Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at.
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Never eat more than you can lift.
No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.
Death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
Never fight an inanimate object.
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
Vescere bracis meis : Eat my shorts.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
There are two possibilities: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
All general statements are false.
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.