Jokes and Anecdotes

It is said that laughter is the best medicine. And it is true. It helps you to refresh and maintain your health. So here are some crackers from the QQP.

The call of the child

One day a woman saw her three-year-old son with the phone which he quickly hung up when he saw her. She asked him," What were you doing?" He replied," I had called my aunty Sheetal." The mother said," You don't even know her number. How can you call her?" "Yes I do. I had called her", He said. The woman tried to convince him that he didn't know aunty Sheetal's number but he insisted he had called her. "Okay", She said," What did she say then?" The child said," She told me I had the wrong number."

Chance !

One day, a man went into a jeweler's shop. He started looking at ornaments. For nearly an hour he went on enquiring about the ornaments and their prices etc. Finally the jeweler asked him," What are you looking for?" He said," Chance."

A trip to the moon

One man man asks another mad fellow," Would you like to go to the moon?" He answers," I would, but how can I do that?" First one says," It's very simple. I have a very powerful torch. The rays of it's light will guide you." He answers," Hmmmmm ! Am I mad ? ; If you turn it off in between then ? "

King of Animals

Teacher : Raju, what a lion will deliver? a cub or an egg?

Raju : Sir, he is the king of animals. He can do whatever he wants !

Person1 : I have some diamonds in my hand. Can you guess how many?

Person2 : If my guess is correct, will you give me one?

Person1 : Yes ! I'll give both.

Person2 : I think you have 5 diamonds.

A man with his brand new mobile went to a hotel. He was waiting for the food he had ordered. Suddenly his cell rang. He answered the call. It was his wife. He asked her," How did you know I am the hotel?"

A man who had lost his one hand was walking sadly on the street when he saw another man who had lost both his hands jumping. He asked, " I am crying because I've lost one hand and how can you jump although you've lost your both hands?"

He said," My body is itching !"

10)

A child came running to a police officer.

Child : Sir, my father and our neighbour are fighting ! Come with me.

Policeman : How long since they are fighting?

Child : 1 hour sir.

Policeman : And you are calling me 'now'???

Child : Till now my father was beating him. Now he is beating my father.

11)

Doubles

Two friends were busy playing chess. Sam and John came there and told, "Hey, we want to play now." One of the friends responded," No problem. Let's play doubles."

12)

Pneumonia

The hospital patient was worried. "Are you sure it's pneumonia, doctor?" he asked. "I've heard of cases where a doctor treated a patient for pneumonia, and he ended up dying of something else."

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."

13)

Wife: Look at Mr. Mehta. He cares so much for his wife. Recently, he brought a diamond necklace for her. Do you ever do that ?

Husband: I would love to do that; if Mr. Mehta agrees.

14)

'Then take me back...'

Driver : Sir, the car can't go further. It has run out of fuel.

Man : Ok. Then take me back to my residence.

15)

Teacher : Students, If you go to a jungle and a tiger comes in front of you, what will you do ?

A student: This question itself is not right. There is no question of we doing anything. Whatever is to be done, is to be done by the tiger. We cannot do anything sir !

16)

A man was working on the railway when a train came speeding around the corner. He ran as fast as he could down the track before it finally hit him.

When he regained consciousness in hospital, the doctor asked him why he hadn't simply run up the embankment.

"Don't be a fool," said the man. "If I couldn't outrun it on flat ground, what chance would I have running uphill?"

17)

Woman :You were supposed to come yesterday to repair the door bell.

Electrician : I did, Madam. I rang twice but got no answer.

18)

Beggar (to a passer by) : Actually I am a writer. I have written a book titled '1001 ways to earn money'.

Passer by: Then why are you begging?

Beggar: This is one of the ways of earning money I have mentioned in my book.

19)

A man who had planned to commit suicide went to a railway track to throw himself before a running train.

"What are you doing here?" asked a passer by.

"I have come here to kill myself," says the man.

"But why are you carrying your food and water bag with you?"

"Well you know, trains can be late. And we Punjabis don't like to remain hungry.

20)

A boy was traveling by a bus. The conductor was telling the passengers that below 12 years passengers should take half ticket and above 12 years old passengers should take full ticket. He came to the boy.

Conductor : How old are you?

Boy : 8 years sir.

Conductor : So when are you going to become 12 years old?

Boy : After I get off the bus.

21)

Mother (to her son) : Why are you jumping like this ???

Son : Mom, I took the medicine without shaking the bottle.

22)

"This little computer", the sales clerk said, "will do half of your job for you."

Studying the machine, the customer said, " Fine, I'll take two."

23)

A priest was traveling in a boat. The priest was very proud of his knowledge and wisdom.

Priest : Do you know Geeta ?

Boatman : No sir. I heard this word for the first time.

Priest : Oh ! That means 25% of your life is in vein.

(After some time)

Priest : Have you read Bible ?

Boatman : No sir.

Priest : Oh my god ! That means 50% of your life is in vein.

(Suddenly after some time, the water level increased. The boat started vibrating and it was about to sink.)

Boatman : Do u know how to swim ?

Priest : No.

Boatman : That means 100% of your life is in vein.

24)

Mr.Babu received a call in an evening from Mr.Lalu.

Mr.Lalu : Is my son Mahesh there ?

Mr.Babu : No.

Mr.Lalu : Ok. If you see him anywhere tell him to reach his home immediately.

Mr.Babu : Any problem ?

Mr.Lalu : I am completing his homework and I have some difficulties.

25)

Little Johnny at his best !

Contributed by : Aniket Mhatre.

Teacher           : Why are you late?
Little Johnny      : Because of the sign.
Teacher           : Which sign?
Little Johnny      : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: Johnny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
Little Johnny: You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher:    Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Johnny:       "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher:    No, that's wrong
Johnny:       Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher:    What is the chemical formula for water?
Johnny:        "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher:     What are you talking about?
Johnny:        Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher:    George, go to the map and find North America.
George:    Here it is!
Teacher:    Correct. Now, Johnny, who discovered America?
Johnny:       George!

Teacher: Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Johnny: Me!

Teacher: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
Johnny: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

Johnny: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me To write?
Johnny: Your name on this report card.

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Johnny: Don't bite any.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."
Johnny: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Johnny: Brotherly love.

Teacher: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Johnny : A teacher

26 ) No one answers back

A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."
One of his friends asked, "And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.

27)

A teacher asks the class, "Boys, name me some reptiles?"

A boy : A Snake.

Teacher : Correct. Now give me another example.

Other boy : Another snake.

Patient :"What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Raju : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
Rahul : "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

28) Contribution by Prasanna Kulkarni.

A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"

The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask."

The sardar then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."

The sardar says, "I'll take it!"

The next day, he walks into his office with his new thermos.

His boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"

He said, "It's a thermos flask."

The boss then says, "What does it do?"

He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"

The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

29) Chinese Child

Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid:Chinese." "How come you write chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" Sardarji says, "I read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

30) No one was injured

Contribution by Tommy Smith

Steven: A lift can carry twenty persons at a time, but once thirty persons went in, the lift was overloaded and fell to the ground. It broke into pieces but no one was injured. Why?
Mary: I don't know.
Steven: Because everyone died.

31) Problem with the eyesight

Once, a man went to an eye specialist. The man told him, "Doctor, I have a problem with my eyesight. I am not able to see far." The doctor took him out of his clinic and, pointing his finger to the sky, he asked the patient, "What is that?" He replied quickly,"The sun." The doctor smiled and said,"Its enough. How far do you wish to see?"

32) Employment
Contribution By Prasanna Kulkarni

A person was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled Name,Age,Address etc. Then he came to the column "Salary Expected" : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes

33) Hot coffee; Cold coffee

A man went to a restaurent with his wife. They called the waitor and asked him to bring 2 coffee. He asked, "Hot or cold sir?" The man asked him, " How much do they cost?" He said, "Hot coffee costs Rs.10 and Cold one costs Rs.30." The man then confirmed the order of 2 hot coffees. When it was delivered, the man was talking with his wife. Suddenly after some time, he said to his wife, "Come on let's drink it fast otherwise if it becomes cold, we will have to pay Rs.30."

34) Contribution by Prasanna Kulkarni

John and Jim landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. John somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Jim got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush was over, John went upstairs to see friend Jim. He met Jim in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Ahh Jim ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Jim replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* and there was no driver here."

35) Contribution by Shilpa Lele

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

36)

A boy was riding his bicycle too fast on the road.

Traffic Police : (to the boy) "Why are you riding the bicycle so fast?

Boy : The reason is that the brakes of this bicycle are failed. So I think I should reach home before any accident happens.

Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?

David: You just send a telegram: 'Result declared, past year's performance repeated'.

37) Hot Call

Contributed by Prasanna Kulkarni

Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." " Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ....what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."

38) Use of the legs

Son : Father, I want a car for me. All my friends have their own cars and I need one too.

Father : (Angrily) Shut up. How can you talk like that? Tell me, what are your two legs for?

Son : One to press the accelerator and the other to brake.

39)

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so that only the recipient would open it and read it."

40)

Teacher : What is the difference between an intelligent person and a fool?

Sam : No intelligent person asks such a foolish question.

41)

An airforce trainee was about to jump of the aeroplane with parachutes for the first time. He was a little bit scared before his first ever jump. He asked his trainer, "What if this parachute is faulty and doesn't open at all?" The Trainer replied,"Don't worry, we will return it back to the manufacturer for replacement."

42)

If god had Voice-Mail

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, what if God decided to install voice mail?" Imagine praying and hearing this: Hi! Thank you for calling GOD.

Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests, Press 2 for Thanksgiving, Press 3 for Complaints, Press 4 for All Other Inquiries. Or Else wait for our Customer Support Executive.

What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However,your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it is received, so please stay on the line"

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in Prayer If you would like to speak to:

Ganeshji, Press 1. For Jesus, Press 2. For Allah, Press 3.

For a directory of God's other Angels, Press 3. If you would like to hear Narad sing a Bhajan while you are holding, please press 4. To find out if a loved one has been assigned To Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her PAN number, then press the 0 key. If you get a negative response, try area code 420 for(Hell).

For reservations and bookings in at "My Father's Guest House - { Exclusive 7 Star Hotel }" please enter Your Name , Date of Birth in mm-dd-yy format followed by 3-1-6.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact the local Priest at your neighbourhood Temple/Church/Mosque...........THANK GOD, HE DOESN'T HAVE VOICE MAIL AND HE LISTENS WHENEVER WE PRAY!!!!!

43)

John (to his father) : Dad, what is the difference between a gun and a machine-gun ?

Father : I talk like a gun and your mom talks like a machine-gun.

44)

Wedding Ring

At the cocktail party, one woman asked another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am. I married the wrong man."

45)

As old as I am

A man asked a boy, "How old is your father? The boy replied, "As old as I am." "What? how is it possible?" asked the man. The boy said," He became father when I was born."

46)

George and Simon, met in a shop. George asked Simon," Why are you looking so sad?" He replied,"I lost 500 Rupees in a bet on the yesterday's cricket match. George said,"I have also lost 1000 Rupees on the same match." Simon asked,"How did you lose 1000 Rupees?" He replied,"500 during the match and the other 500 on the highlights."

47)

IF..

(Contribution by Sudha Raje)

48)

"Woken up someone else"

Once a Dumb Man was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave 20 Rupees to a guy, sitting opposite to him in the train, to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the man deserved more service. So, when the dumb man fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, he was woken up, and went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" He replied "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"

49)

'Ford and Oxford'

A man at an interview.

Officer : Do you know what is a 'Ford'?

Man : Yes it is a car.

Officer : Can you tell me what is 'Oxford'?

Man : Yes. It means bullock cart.

50)

Teacher : (To a student) Tell me, What do you like the most; the sun or the moon?

Student : I like the moon.

Teacher : Why don't you like the sun?

Student : It's quite obvious. He comes out shining during the day time, when there is no real need. But the moon comes out at night, when we really need light.

51)

A child came running to a police officer.

Child : Sir, my father and our neighbour are fighting ! Come with me.

Policeman : How long since they are fighting?

Child : 1 hour sir.

Policeman : And you are calling me 'now'???

Child : Till now my father was beating him. Now he is beating my father.

52)

A man calls his neighbour.

Man : I am sorry to say, but my dog is spoiling your nice garden.

Neighbour : But I don't have any garden.

Man : (laughs) Even I don't have a dog.

53)

Real Manager

In a class of English, the teacher asked the students to write an essay on the subject 'If I become a manager of a company...' All students began writing but only one student was sitting idle. Teacher asked him why he was not writing. He Replied,"I am waiting for my secretary."

54)

A man points his finger towards the sky and asks a passer by, "Excuse me, Is it the sun or the moon?" He replies,"I'm sorry. I am new in this town."

55)

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

8. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

9. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

10. Your dog has its own home page.

11. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

12. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

13. Your phone bill is as heavy as a brick.

14. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

15. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

16. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

17. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

18. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

19. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

20. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

21. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

22. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

23. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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