We made our annual trip to London to play in Leyton Orient's CHAOS Cup with a large squad in numbers and size.
Amazingly we had eleven in the Touring Party and they were, in no particular order:- Barry Cook, Davie Nisbet, Paul Stormonth, Alan Main (c), James McLaughlin, John Crosbie, Tam Moon, Iain Campbell (Mr), The Crosshill Goal Machine (all going by train on Friday afternoon), Algernon Dorward (flying down on Friday night) and Steve Stormonth (flying down on Saturday morning).
The main party set off on Friday afternoon with the weather a bit dull and arrived in The Big Smoke with the sun splitting the skies after a fairly uneventful train journey.
The Birkbeck Pub in Leyton (possibly Leytonstone, but I won't trivialise) was our destination and there we met our hosts for the weekend and had couple of shandies to relax before the big tourney the next day.
Five of the squad were staying in the Birkbeck itself but the bar closed at a normal time (well, normal by English standards but early by our more relaxed licensing laws in Bonnie Scotland) and, obviously, everybody was in bed early in eager anticipation of the big day ahead.
There were sixteen teams taking part in the CHAOS and we drawn alongside London Birmingham, Reading and UCL (University College London).
It was another glorious day, well if you were a lilywhite Glaswegian, the locals said it was okay and still wore jackets.
Before our first game three of the squad, Jazza, Crossers and Mr C were chosen to play in a scratch team to open the tourney. Their team drew 2-2 with Orientear B with Jazza scoring the goal of the tournament as he went on a mazy run beating player after player before slotting the ball past the keeper.
On to the real stuff and our first game was against London Birmingham who beat us 1-0 (six games in a row in London without scoring no less) despite Nippy hitting the bar, with the ball.
Not to worry, two games to redeem ourselves but we went behind to UCL before BARRY got us a late equaliser.
Another 1-1 draw followed against Reading, NIPPY scoring this time, but it wasn't enough to get us through the group stages and we ended up in the Plate competition.
The Plate competition is for all the teams knocked out in the group stages, like the EUFA Cup but without all the big fuss, and we got a quarter final draw against London Cardiff to start us off.
YOUNG AL opened the scoring with a great finish as he slid in to knock the ball home but thankfully NIPPY equalised to make it 1-1 and take the game to a penalty shoot out.
For this game we weren't told of any rules for who would be able to take the penalties so Barry, Stormy, Jazza, Algie and Mr C all volunteered with the Boss particularly delighted to be the one to take the fifth pen.
Unfortunately Baz missed our first, or the keeper made a brilliant save depending on who you talk to, but our outstanding keeper James "The Penguin" (covered in sun tan lotion), with a pre-penalty ritual which meant he walked the length of the pitch to take his position then hit the bar with both hands (I always knew the boy wasn't all there) saved two of the Bluebird's kicks.
The Stormonth's and Algie, yes Algie, duly converted to leave Mr C with the task of putting us in the Semis. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife as he walked up (no point in running as it only wastes energy) and calmly stroked the ball home to send his team mates delirious with excitement.
This was nothing compared to the scenes in the pub outside the ground where the penalties were being beamed back live via a mobile phone. I believe Raph nearly spilt his pint in the commotion !
It was a strange Semi Final line up, or more appropriately a carve up, as there were three Orient teams and ourselves through and, would you Adam and Eve it, we drew one of them !
The "A" team were our semi final opponents and they consisted of the more mature O's supporters and Woody and Razzle.
A pulsating encounter saw The Goal Machine come close, Young Al having a shot brilliantly saved by Wee Brian in the O's goal and Gentle Ben of Orient competely missing an open goal after The Penguin had gone walkabout.
So goalless and onto to penalties again although this time it was only the players left on the pitch at the end who could take one and........The Machine was on the pitch at the end ! Oh well, we didn't want to win the Plate anyway !
This meant that Cookster, Jazza, Nippy, Stormy and Mach stepped up to the plate to get us into the Plate Final.
Barry scored this time as did Jazza but Nippy's kick was brilliantly tipped round the post by Wee Brian.
The pressure was on but our mad keeper saved one then, after Stormy had scored, the last O's player tried to be too clever and blasted over to give the Machine a shot at glory.
Brian in the O's goal had seen the Mach play before and, after he'd stopped laughing,
he steadied himself for the anticipated toe bash shot which would barely reach the goal and leave the Mach off his work with a broken toe.
But..............just as the geese flew over the pitch, or was it pigs, the Machine defied his critics, and medical science, by side footing the ball, at pace, into the top corner past a bewildered Brian.
He was immediately engulfed by his surprised and delighted team mates who carried him shoulder high to the pub as it was his round.
A quick six pints then it was back for the Final, against the Orientear B team, younger, less mature but a lot fitter, well fitter, then the A team.
Our Final team lined up the same as the previous Plate games:- The Penguin, Algernon, Young Al (c), Stormy, Jazza and Crossers. Subs (on at half time) NIppy, Mach, Cookster and Mr C.
Like all major finals, and the CHAOS Plate, the game wasn't a classic although we did probably have the edge with the O's keeper Dale Winton (later to be voted Player of the Tournament) being the busier keeper.
However, with almost the last kick of the ball, and the game heading for penalties, the O's broke away but the Penguin, having an outstanding, noisy and eccentric tournament, saved the day by rushing out to block an attacker's shot.
There was just time, on the final whistle, for us to make a tactical substitution with Stormy coming on for Crossers who didn't want to take a penalty (not mentally strong enough). Strangely this left the Machine on, a weird tactical move.
Third game in a row and it's on to penalties and, as we all know, they are a lottery unless you win, of course.
We had to go first and Barry, Jazza, Nippy ("keep it low, by the way", then he proceedes to score with a high shot off the post) and Stormy all converted then the Penguin saved the O's fourth kick and it was down to the Machine to win us the Plate.
Up he stepped to side foot the ball, the keeper fumbled, the ball went over the line, the keeper dragged it back, the O's supporters behind the goal said it wasn't in, the referee agreed and the Machine went ballistic.
"Well, eh......I thought it was in........eh", said a clearly furious Machine but the referee, Wee Brian the keeper from earlier, said no and we were into sudden death.
Again Barry, Jazza, Nippy and Stormy all scored before James became a hero as he tipped a kick onto the bar and over and we had won the Plate without the Mach having to take another kick, thankfully.
Cue mass celebrations and even the never easy to please Manager was seen to smile, probably indigestion.
Back for a few pints outside the ground then onto the Birkbeck for the evening's entertainment.
The trophies were handed out by Raph the Taff to Reading who won the main commpetition, also on penalties, to Cardiff who won the Wooden Spoon (if you can actually win such an award) and then Young Al, tour captain, went up to receive the Plate and gave a momentous speech which brought a tear to many an eye.
The quiz followed, which we didn't do very well in, then a long session was had by all in the beer garden with our team being toasted with champagne courtesy of Old Nippy.
There was good lot of socialising done with the remaining teams enjoying each others company in a convivial atmosphere.
Not too late a night and not too early a start the next day either and five of the squad
decided to go sightseeing whilst the remaining five opted for the Birkbeck to unwind after a long day.
A quiz at night saw Crossers and Mr C end up on the winning team (though with little help from the two of them) and then there was a lock in to finish the night off.
A quiet journey home to rainy Glasgow on Monday afternoon after a very enjoyable weekend away.
Our thanks to Raph, Woody, and Joan and Roy at the Birkbeck for their hospitality and to Tom Davies for his organisation of the tourney.
We enjoyed our weekend, played six games, won none and won our first trophy at the CHAOS since 1991 (you can't count the Wooden Spoon) so all in all a successful trip.
PLEASE NOTE: For legal reasons, and to protect the dignity/reputation of certain individuals, the above report has been censored.
The censorship includes; how many times Crossers had to change his trousers on the journey down; why James is barred from the local bookies; why Nippy and Mach slept in seperate beds on the Sunday night; who had the most Orgasms on the Sunday (it's a DRINK, for goodness sake); the true identity of local folk duo Finbar and Roly; how well Algie can hold his drink; what the mother of Raph's children is really like; why none of the pretty looking barmaids in the Birkbeck have passports; which of the Orient guys is the spitting image of Eric Morecambe; and why Tam Moon doesn't get a mention in the report.
PHOTOS