On 23 January this year we found out that Pei Han was pregnant with twins. Since then it has been an amazing journey of discovery, excitement and anxiety, the latter being the reason that I am only now writing about this incredible event in our lives.
Every two weeks since the end of January we have been to the doctor and seen how our babies have grown from little round black spots floating around in the womb, to worm-like creatures with heads and then outlines on the screen with arms, legs and furiously beating hearts. Two weeks ago we got our first 4D look at them and the ultrasound outlines became real bodies and faces that have made them, a boy and a girl, into real little people living healthily in Pei Han's ever-growing tummy.
Yet, despite this constant awareness that we will be parents in a few short months, I am no closer to feeling like a father than I did before 23 January. It is a strange emotion that I feel. On the one hand I am concerned for Pei Han and the babies, constantly asking her to rest more and enquiring, almost daily now, whether the babies are kicking, to the point where I think she is becoming sick and tired of my nagging and questions. But on the other hand, I feel detached from the whole pregnancy, not being able to understand or experience the feelings and discomfort she has now. I touch her stomach to feel the two of them kicking and thrill at the sensation, but there are times when she says "Did you feel that?" and I didn't, which only reminds me that I am an outside observer.
So, when people ask me how I feel about becoming a father, I can honestly say that I don't know. Of course I am excited about the prospect, and constantly think about how it is going to be in a few months and the pride I am going to feel in having my own children, but none of it is a reality for me in the way that it is for Pei Han. In a way it feels like we are talking about someone else instead of me. Occasionally, Pei Han says to me "Wow, you are going to be a father," and I can only smile, not at the reality, but the strangeness of it.
I am thrilled that everyone I know is so excited about the upcoming birth of my children and it also fills me with a sense of excitement and anticipation. I seem to spend a lot of time recently imagining what kind of father I will and want to be and, even though it stills feels like a somewhat distant prospect that is happening to someone else, I am aware of the love I already have for my son and daughter.
Dion Marc Delport
17 June 2009