I have not written anything for the past two months because my life has been besieged by sudden, unexpected changes that I would rather not have happened. But they did and I am trying to cope with the aftermath. I think I have written before that nothing lasts forever, neither good nor bad, neither happiness or sadness, neither elation nor pain. I wrote that because I believe it and I believe it because I have had experience. Now I am having the experience again, and while I still believe that the pain and unhappiness of this experience will not last forever, what I had forgotten was how deep the pain can be and how persistent the unhappiness.
Family and friends have tried to console me and build up the confidence that I usually display, often in some overabundance, and I genuinely appreciate their support and concern. However, while their words are certainly a comfort to me, they cannot erase the constant, nagging, thoughts and feelings that seem to be my constant companions at the moment. It's not that I am self-pityingly reveling in my sorrow, for trust me, there is very little revelry going on inside me. It's just that such hurt requires the process of time, which will eventually erase the negative emotions I feel and, hopefully, replace them with new experiences and emotions.
I wonder, if I could, would I change my life? Probably not, because the things I have experienced have shaped me, whether good or bad. And all these things together make me feel that I am alive. I have very few regrets and while one or two are regrets for things I did, the others are regrets for things I did not do when I had the opportunity. I live in the hope that one day the opportunity to do these things will again arise and then there will be no repeat hesitation on my part!
For now, I have some immediate regrets about my immediate situation, but I am sure that these will not be lingering regrets. With time they will be replaced with the happiness I hope for.
1 August 2004
Dion Marc Delport