“Fuck,” Justin screamed, throwing the beer bottle he had been drinking from into the river. “Fucking bastard, I didn’t want him like that. Not like that.” Justin’s screams turned into sobs as the memories from earlier invaded his thoughts.

Earlier that night

Justin had been hurt and upset when Brian spurned his efforts at having a picnic on the floor, instead choosing to go to Babylon to fuck some anonymous trick. After cleaning up the romantic dinner he had lovingly prepared, Justin had to leave the loft, his emotions in upheaval. He decided to go and visit the musician he had become friends with earlier. Ethan had made no secret in his admiration of Justin and the artist found himself attracted to the other man. Ethan seemed to be everything that Brian wasn’t. The two students seemed to have so much in common, including both having older lovers. Ethan talked about how he had partied with his former lover, going to the clubs and the baths, even though he had grown tired of it just so he could share something with his lover, but now the musician was looking for just the special someone. The one that he could be with alone and Justin understood what he meant because he felt the same way. While he still tricked, it was only with Brian because that’s what he knew the other man expected from him, but Justin didn’t get the same thrill from it as Brian did. The blond enjoyed just spending time at the loft with his lover, as much as he did going to Babylon and Woodys. But the days of lazy evenings at home had become less and less over the past few weeks, until they were almost gone.

Their friends knew the two men were having problems. Even Michael, the one person who had the hardest time admitting that Justin and Brian were in a relationship, had made comments to Justin that he could tell that something was going on. The store owner had told Justin that he could see the growing distance between the two men and was worried about it. And, surprising to Justin, Michael admitted that it wasn’t only Brian that he was worried about. He didn’t want to see Justin hurt either, the two men having grown closer as they worked on their comic book. Michael had tried to encourage Justin to talk to Brian, to tell him what was bothering him, but Justin just hadn’t been able to do it. He was so afraid of angering his lover that, instead, he just kept quiet. And now Justin didn’t know what to do.

It had all started so innocently. He wasn’t looking for anything special. He just couldn’t stay in the loft and he didn’t want to go to Diner or Woodys or Babylon, not wanting to run into any of the gang. Daphne was out of the question. She had already told Justin that she had planned on spending the night with her boyfriend. He knew he could go over to the Munchers, Mel and Lindsay had told them that he was welcome whenever he wanted to come over, but he didn’t want to listen to them tell him how Brian was an asshole and would never change. He hadn’t made many friends at the Institute, between his classes, his physical therapy from the bashing, his job and his hanging out with Brian and the others didn’t give him a whole lot of time to meet new people. That left Ethan.

Justin listened to the violin music that was coming from the apartment, before knocking on the door. When the door opened, Ethan looked so happy to see him. It had been so long since someone had looked at Justin like that. Like just his presence made them happy.

‘Brian used to look at me like that. When did he stop? Maybe he didn’t stop. Maybe I just stopped noticing.’

“What are you doing here?”

“I came for my song,” Justin had replied. Ethan smiled at him, playing a song that made Justin’s insides feel as if they were melting.

‘When was the last time I felt happy? Felt so carefree, like I didn’t have a care in the world. Oh yeah, that’s right. Before the prom. Before Chris Hobbs decided to take a bat to my head and ruin what had to have been the best night of my life. Fucking bastard. Even after all this time, I can still see the look of pain and anguish in Brian’s eyes whenever I try and talk about what happened that night.’

So lost in his thoughts Justin hadn’t noticed when Ethan had stopped playing. It wasn’t until he felt soft lips on his own that he brought himself back to what was happening. He pushed the other boy away, getting up from the chair he had been sitting in.

“What are you doing?”

“What I’ve been wanting to do since I first saw you at my concert,” Ethan replied, leaning in to kiss Justin again. Justin put his hands up, against Ethan’s chest trying to hold the other man off.

“I told you I already have a boyfriend,” Justin tried to keep space between himself and the musician, but Ethan pushed past Justin’s defenses. “Ethan stop.”

“Come on, Justin. You know you want it,” Ethan insisted. “It’s why you came over here.”

“No,” Justin denied. “I just came over to talk.”

“Right,” Ethan sneered. “Talk. I don’t think so.”

“Ethan stop,” Justin tried to push Ethan away but the other boy was stronger. A lot stronger than he looked and before he knew what was going on; Ethan’s had him on the bed, looming over him. Tears streamed down Justin’s face as he looked up at the cold face of the boy he had thought was so nice. He continued to try and break free but he had no luck. In fact, it seemed that the more he struggled the more Ethan seemed to like it.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Ethan murmured. “Fight me. I knew you liked it rough, no matter what you say.”

“No, please, stop,” Justin begged. He felt Ethan open his pants, his hands clammy on his cock as the musician tugged at it painfully.

Present time

“Why didn’t he stop?” Justin asked aloud. “What did I do to make him think I wanted that?” Justin swiped the tears that continued to fall. His mind and body felt numb, a condition that he swore was the only reason that he was able to still sit on the edge of the bridge, instead of taking a swan dive into the chilly water below.

A few hours before

Justin’s mind had shut down during the attack, going to a place that he hadn’t felt the need to visit since he had first been recovering from the bashing. While Ethan was violating his body, Justin’s mind was adrift, not coming back to the present until the blond had felt Ethan finally get off of him.

It had taken a few minutes before Justin realized that Ethan was finished. He slowly got off the bed, trying not to draw anymore attention to himself, wary of what else Ethan might do to him. He found his pants, which Ethan had thrown over the couch after he pulled them off his reluctant lover, pulling them on as quickly, and quietly, as he could. Justin couldn’t look over at the other boy, afraid of what he might find.

“Justin,” the blond stopped at the door, not turning around as he felt the musician approach him. He stiffened as Ethan’s arms wrapped around his midsection, his hands clasping over his stomach. Justin’s breathing came in harsh pants as Ethan placed a gentle kiss on his shoulder. Justin didn’t know what was going on.

“I’ve got to go, Ethan,” Justin whispered, hoping that the other boy wouldn’t push the issue any further. Visions of Jason Kemp’s dead body sprang to his mind, and Justin became even more afraid of the young man behind him. “I have to get home before Brian gets there.”

“I know,” Ethan told him, his voice soft and gentle. The tenderness in which he was treating Justin reminded the blond of how Ethan had been acting when they had first met. “I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you came over tonight. I had a really good time with you and I hope we can do it again sometime.” Justin barely prevented the hysterical laugh that was welling up deep inside him at the thought of ever allowing Ethan the opportunity to repeat what had happened that night. “I really think we could be good together.”

“I already told you, Ethan, I’m already involved with someone and, no matter what he might say, I don’t think Brian would be too happy if I got involved with you,” Justin said, allowing Ethan to turn him around, his head down, unable to meet Ethan’s eyes.

“Then we’ll just have to make sure that he doesn’t find out,” and there was something in the musician’s voice that made Justin look up and he gasped at what he saw. While Ethan’s voice was soft and gentle, his eyes were cold and angry and just was afraid of what the other boy might do if Justin didn’t meet him again.

“Ethan?”

“Relax sweetheart,” Ethan kissed Justin softly on the lips. “I promise everything will be fine.” Justin looked at Ethan confused as the other boy reached around him and opened the door. “Call me later this week and let me know when we can get together.”

“I…I…I’m not sure if I can meet you,” Justin stuttered. “With the comic and working and everything, my schedule is pretty full. Especially with finals coming up. I have a bunch of projects due within the next couple of weeks.

“Well, if you don’t get in touch with me, I’ll just have to search you out,” Ethan replied, the implied threat of what would happen to Justin if that became the case. Ethan leaned in once more, taking Justin’s lips in a possessive kiss before allowing the blond the opportunity to finally escape.

Present Time

“What am I going to do?”

“Well the first thing I would suggest is coming down from there,” a voice said, startling Justin who almost lost his balance. He turned to see who had approached him and was surprised to find a young girl, no older than fifteen standing beside him. The girl had long blonde hair and violet eyes that stood out, even in the lousy lighting that surrounded them on the bridge. She was thin and the clothes she was wearing indicted that, wherever she was living, it certainly wasn’t the better side of town.

“Who are you?” Justin asked, curious about her, despite the numbness that pervaded his body.

“Names Patti,” the girl smiled, holding her hand out for Justin who, despite feeling like shit, couldn’t help but take it in his. When Justin still didn’t say anything, even after the two had released hands, Patti jumped up and sat on the railing next to him. “So, do you come here often because I gotta tell ya, a nice boy like you, sitting here looking like death done over, people might actually get the impression that you were thinking about doing a nice little swan dive.”

“Might make things easier,” Justin said so softly that Patti had barely heard him. “Finish what should have happened before.”

“Nah let me tell ya, taking a dive, never a good idea. Especially in this kind of weather.” At Justin’s raised eyebrow, Patti continued. “Well think about it. It’s been pretty fucking cold lately and there a whole shitload of ice on that river, so you stand a damn good chance of hitting that instead of water. Fucking painful, if you ask me.”

“I didn’t.”

“True, you didn’t ask me, but I’ve always been told that I could never help but stick my nose in other people’s business,” the blonde said. “I’ve been told it’s my worst trait.”

“And yet you keep doing it,” Justin said, looking back out at the water. “I don’t even know you, why should I listen to anything you have to say?”

“True you don’t know me, and I can’t think of one reason why you should listen to me,” Patti admitted. “Except for the fact that I’ve been where you are and I gotta tell ya. Offing yourself, so not the right fucking answer.” The hysterical laughter that Justin held in back at Ethan’s apartment finally bubbled out and he found himself holding his sides as he shook. Patti sat there quietly, allowing Justin the time he needed to gain control of his emotions before she continued.

“Look..?”

“Justin.”

“Okay. Look, Justin, you’re right. I don’t know you and I don’t know why you’re sitting here looking as if you have no reason not to jump, but I have been there,” Patti said. “Trust me, despite my glamorous appearance; my life hasn’t exactly been all wine and roses.” Justin smiled at that, not able to help himself. “I’ve seen a lot of shit in the time I’ve been living on my own, a lot of shit that most people wouldn’t think possible and I’ve sat where you are, thinking that the best thing for me, the best thing for everyone really, would be for me to just take myself out of life’s equation.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I can’t say,” Patti admitted. “It’s not like I’ve had a whole lot going for me, but I realized that what I did have was mine. I might not have friends or a family, well at least not ones that I can really rely on, but I did have some people counting on me. People that needed me, even if they were too damn stubborn to admit it.”

“Sounds familiar,” Justin sighed.

“I’m sure. But Justin, by the looks of you, I think you do have a few things going for you,” Patti said. “You don’t look like your life is too bad. You don’t have the look of a street rat or hustler, although I have to admit, you probably would make a killing if that’s what you wanted to do.”

“Not really.”

“Yeah that’s what I thought. In fact, if your clothes are any indication, I bet you’ve got yourself a nice little set up.” Justin looked over at her. “Hey, I might live on the streets but I can still tell nice labels when I see them. I grew up in a house where that was a requirement.”

“Why?” Justin didn’t know how to ask the question that was on the tip of his tongue, not wanting to offend the strange girl that had befriended him.

“Why am I on the streets?” Justin nodded. “Well it’s certainly not because it’s what I’ve always wanted. It was just safer for me to take my chances living on the streets than living in the nice suburban home with a mother who didn’t like having sex and a father that did. Especially with young girls.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, meaning it. “Ummm, how long?”

“What? How long did it go on or how long have I been on the streets?”

“Both?”

“Well, the first was from when I was six till I left when I was twelve, and I’ve been on my own for seven years.” Justin did the math realizing Patti was actually closer to his age than he had originally thought.

“Why didn’t you call the cops on him?”

“My father is a cop which didn’t leave me with a whole lot of options, if you know what I mean.” Justin nodded his head. “It was just easier for me to leave.”

“Have you seen your family since you left?”

“I’ve been by the house, although I never let them know I was there. Nothing’s changed there except now I seem to have a younger sister and all I can do is hope that somehow my father has changed.” Justin sat quietly as he thought about the story that he had just heard, unable to imagine what it must have been like for the blonde to have lived like that. Ethan had only raped Justin once and already the artist wished that he had the nerve to end his life.

“Look, Justin, I’m not asking you to tell me why you think it might be better if you take a dive. It’s not really any of my business, but I can tell you that, no matter how bad it looks right now, things will get better,” Patti assured him, moving to jump back onto the pavement. Justin followed her, without even thinking about it, until both teens were standing on the street

“What did you do to get over what your father did to you?” Justin had to ask.

“Who said I got over it?” Patti answered. “What happened to me isn’t something that is all that easy to get over. The only thing I could do, and it’s something that I’m still doing, is to just take life one day at a time. That’s all anyone can do.” Justin watched as Patti turned and began walking away from him, the darkness swallowing her until Justin was once more alone. He turned the other direction, ready to begin the long walk to the loft when he heard a voice call out to him.

“Don’t let it win, Justin. Remember you have to live one day at a time and eventually it will get better.” Justin shook his head, heading towards his home, suddenly needing to feel Brian’s arms around him. While he wasn’t sure if he would be able to tell his lover what had happened with Ethan, he knew that if he wanted to deal with what had happened earlier, he needed Brian’s support. He just hoped he was strong enough to let Brian be there for him.