| Prologue: The man was really no braver, than any other man. He had no special abilities, that weren�t endowed to other men. He was not differently blessed from above, than any other man. He didn�t even have a two for one discount coupon for Pizza Inn. He paused to reflect, while looking in the mirror. � Who am I to brave all these terrors?�, he asked aloud, but aloud had already left the room and A.P.E. was alone (and a low interest one, at that). He turned away from the mirror and walked to a nearby chair. Missing it, he sprawled on the floor. The tiles were cold, but he was warm. His dress was blue and his eyes were green. His feet were blue. His teeth were green. I adjusted the tone on the set and returned to my seat. It was going to be a strange night. I was writing, again. Chapter One: The Dance of the Crazed Mailmen A.P.E. was not your typical American hero. But with that in consideration, it should be noted , that he was not just a simple American man, either. In fact, he was some kind of damned freakazoid mutant monkey thing, with a penchant for solving crimes and investigating asparagus cooking disasters. He took on the cases that no one else wanted to touch. He took on the cases that no one else could solve. He took on a case of Old Rattlesnake Bourbon, every Saturday night, and usually woke up, the next morning, in a pool of his own urine. Well ... what did you expect? He�s an ape! Nevertheless, a friend of A.P.E.�s, met him, that morning, as the monkey was coming into the secret headquarters. They shook briefs handily and began walking up the long steps, to the supreme commander�s office. The following afternoon, they arrived. The commander seemed pleased to see them. He was a moron (moron likely). � A.P.E.,� he screamed softly,� you�re just the man, I was wanting to see. Take a seat.� The monkey grabbed a chair and fled from the office. The commander groaned, picked up the phone, and dispatched a posse. The posse spent the next three weeks, chasing the Monkey across Canada. Everyone agreed, that the country was beautiful, this time of year. Sadly, no one had brought a change of underwear and they were all forbidden to return. A.P.E., finally, realized that it was useless to keep running. He had tried this stunt, twenty times before, and had never gotten away with it. He turned himself in, to the officials at the girls reformatory. Six weeks (and two penicillin shots) later, A.P.E. was back in the commander�s office. The monkey was told of his latest mission. �We�ve heard some strange tales, A.P.E. . Strange tales, about a man that lives near Sardis.� � Oh, my god!� A.P.E. hollered. Nevertheless slapped him across his upper ugly area. The commander applauded. �I know that its hard to imagine that there�s more to it than that, but there is. And its a real buttocks clincher! We�ve heard that he�s involved with Vice!� The monkey�s face turned white, as a bucket of paint fell on his head. � You mean that master of all female criminals ... Adele Vice?� � Exactly!� the commander sang. A.P.E. began to shake. He fell to the floor. He looked for something to put between his teeth. A twenty dollar bill, usually worked wonders. Nevertheless tried to calm him down, by singing an old polish manure shoveling song. It didn�t work. The monkey was having a fit. A fit that was hard to beat, much less tie. First, A.P.E.�s face turned red. Then, his ears turned blue. Then, I got up and hit the side of the set. The color returned to normal. � What can I expect, when I go to this place, near Sardis?� the monkey asked. � Horrors, yet unimagined, my fuzzy bunned friend.� the commander answered. � You�ll be lucky to return alive!� � What!?� A.P.E. screamed, in a calm voice, not unlike that of a rabid fuller brush salesman. �No way, slime plug!. You�d better get yourself another dingleberry, for this job. I quit!� The commander�s voice shot out an oath. A.P.E. ducked, as it whizzed by and hit the wall, behind him. Unfortunately, he slipped and banged his head on a chair. � I�m sorry.� he later said. � I didn�t mean to jump to concussions� He then left with his trusted aid, Cool. |
| Absurd Digest |
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