Early one Thursday morning, back before reversible jackets were created, a woman named Vera Bland and her son, Bubba, trekked through the fog laden woods of a wretched forest called Wientraub. Bubba was more than slightly concerned that morning, about the reports of an evil wizard, named Mobande, haunting those whereabouts and expressed a desire to pass quickly, through the region of ill reputation. Vera made light of his fears, by singing random lyrics from 23 different songs. Bubba could make no sense of this, at all, and clubbed her repeatedly with his Henry VIII lunchbox. Vera soon lapsed into a coma and floated upwards, disappearing completely, by five o�clock the next afternoon. Out of desperation, Bubba opened an auto repair clinic and lost the respect of those, whom had known him, before the tragedy. Many years passed by and the auto clinic blossomed into a healthy business, although no one could figure out why. Success turned Bubba�s head, which caused his shirt to fit funny, and he decided to change his name to Metric. Those around him, quickly, realized that he was a near god and referred to him as their liter. Metric swelled with pride and considered all well with the world, until 8:45:30 that same evening. As Metric was preparing for bed, Vera floated back down to earth, smashing a hole in the roof and setting off the sprinkler system. Metric screamed and ran for the safety of the kitchen cupboard. Climbing inside, he (inadvertently) knocked over a canister of flour, which burst open into the water standing on the floor. Within seconds, dough formed and consumed the kitchen appliances. Metric laughed and pointed towards the bedroom. � Vera has returned!� he yelled at the dough. � Kill her!� The dough, never having been taken for a animate object before, was slightly confused and considered forming a discussion group to settle the matter, once and for all. Metric screamed that there was no time, with which the dough could do naught, but agree. Meanwhile, in the bedroom, Vera, who was continuing to come down, tore through the floor and was on her way to China, by way of magma. The dough took off in damp pursuit, but it soon became evident, that the flour child could not survive the heat at the earth�s core and was, sadly, baked to death. Vera journeyed on, though, unscathed by the fire, and passed through the crust of China, heading for deep space. When the dough didn�t return, a concerned Metric followed the trail, into the very reaches of hell itself, and found a huge biscuit, there in. Screaming, �Martha White be damned!�, Metric took his own life and died beside the biscuit of his dreams. The biscuit remained undiscovered, for several hundred years, until the great quake of Ramabutt, spewed forth several chucks, from within the bowels of the earth. Explorer Ashford Dunwoody first saw a piece of the mystery biscuit at 2:23 AM, on that same day, but didn�t recognize it, for what it was. He, merely, side stepped the bread substance and continued on to Buffalo. He later regretted this action, since he was in Egypt, at the time, and on foot. Nothing was heard of the biscuit, for 2 years, until it appeared at the Independence Day concert of the London Philharmonic (as part of the percussion section). Explore Dunwoody was in the audience, on that day, and, easily, recognized the famous �thump� of the mystery biscuit. After the proper authorities had been notified, Dunwoody conducted a search, throughout the symphony hall, finally cornering the biscuit, in a wardrobe closet. Just when it appeared that the biscuit was trapped, Vera smashed through the room, on her return trip from Ursa Major. Pandemonium reigned, for several minutes, and the biscuit escaped. Explorer Dunwoody vowed that mystery biscuit mystery would be solved within the year or he would die trying. His intense investigations revealed, that the biscuit appeared at certain places during a given year. Dunwoody set traps, baited with butter and various jellies, at the next, predestined appearance location. Unfortunately, the first trap was a failure, due to the purchase of a low grade oleo, instead of butter. After appropriate punishment had been dealt out to Explorer Dunwoody�s mother, the next trap was laid. Tension mounted, when the biscuit didn�t show up on time, for the second trap. Speculation that the biscuit might have disappeared for good was scratched, though, when it was learned that the biscuit had experienced some car trouble and was, once again, on its way. When it arrived, everything went as planned and Dunwoody had his biscuit. The mystery biscuit remained rather calm, throughout the whole proceedings, until someone mentioned white sandwich bread. At that moment, the biscuit went berserk, tearing free of the sausage casing that had secured it, and wreaked havoc through out the tri-county area. Explorer Dunwoody couldn�t rally enough support in time, to stop the eminent escape of the biscuit and lost his prize, within moments of its capture. Saddened beyond belief, Dunwoody gave up the chase and became a priest. To this day, the biscuit remains at large. Although it has been seen several times on Mount Ararat, no one has gotten a photograph of the biscuit, since the Dunwoody capture. There are tons of sightings, each year, and Father Dunwoody has often expressed a desire to take up the chase, once more, if the trail is hot enough. All experts agree, that if the biscuit is to ever be captured again, Dunwoody will have to come out of seclusion. When asked about this, Father Dunwoody just smiles and walks backwards. Amazing Facts Although Elvis Presley is spotted around the globe, several hundred times a year, more frequently, persons report seeing just a body part of the beloved performer (like the recent rash of left ear sightings in Panama and the infamous floating scrotum of Lake Michigan). Actor Claude Akins, recently, spent 2 years, balancing himself on a football. It has been discovered that this activity was due to an inner ear infection. The actor claims no knowledge of this event and has refused to respond to a series of two thousand harassing phone calls. An excerpt, from the childhood journal of former president Gerald Ford, has revealed his fondness for an asparagus, brussel sprout, and okra vegetable medley that his mother prepared for him, as punishment for his constant squat jumping. |
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