Shrek 2

Shrek

Once upon another time...

Prince Charming
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen
were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land
everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that
their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took
hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy
godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower,
there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he
who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and
scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and
limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most
handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break
the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the
tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her
sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!

Wolf
What?

Prince Charming
Princess... Fiona?

Wolf
NO!

Prince Charming
Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?

Wolf
She's on her honeymoon.

Shrek
The kingdom of FAR FAR Away, Donkey?
That's where we're going! FAR! FAR!... away.

Fairy Godmother
Your fallen tears have called to me, so here comes my sweet remedy.
I know what every princess needs for her to live life happily.
With... just a wave of my magic wand your troubles will soon be gone.
With a flick of the wrist in just a flash, you land a prince with a ton of cash,
A high priced dress made by mice no less!
Some crystal glass pumps and almost dressed! Worries will vanish your soul will cleanse
Confide in your very own furniture friends We'll help you set a new fashion trend!
I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great! The kind of gal a prince would date
They'll write your name on the bathroom wall For happy ever after- give Fiona a call!
A sporty carriage to ride in style. A sexy man-boy chauffer Kyle.
Vanish your blemishes, tooth decay... cellulite thighs will fade away
A hool and a hey! Have a Bichon Frise And oh, what the hey... have a Bichon Frise!
Nip and tuck here and there, to land that prince with the perfect hair.
Lipstick liners, shadow blush! to get that prince with a sexy tush.
Lucky day, hunk buffet For the lipstick a roll in the hay
You can swoon on the moon with the prince to this tune
Don't be drab, you'll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs
Cheese souflee Valentine's Day? Have some chicken fricassee...

[after turning back into a donkey]
Donkey
Aaaaaaw.

Shrek
You still look like a noble steed to me.

[repeatedly]
Donkey
Are we there yet?

Donkey
Shrek and I drank this potion and now... we're sexy!

Shrek
Working hard? Or hardly working?

[Shrek, Fiona, Fiona's Mum and Dad
and Donkey are arguing at the table]

Queen
Harold!

Princess Fiona
Shrek!

Shrek
Fiona...

King
Fiona!

Princess Fiona
Mum!

Queen
Harold!

Donkey
[happily]
Donkey!

Puss-in-Boots
Dare to fear... Puss In Boots.

Queen
Oh, don't be such a drama king!

[upon arriving at Far Far Away]
Shrek
We are definitely not in the swamp anymore.

Shrek
[to Donkey]
For five minutes, can you not be yourself?

Puss-in-Boots
Fear me, if you dare.

Donkey
[to Puss]
If we ever need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.

[Shrek is depressed because Fiona's father wants to kill him]
Donkey
Oh, don't feel bad, Shrek.
Almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.

[Shrek steals two noblemen's clothes]
Shrek
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.

Shrek
Oh, look! A little cat.

Puss-in-Boots
I am puss... In boots...
[cough - hack - cough]
Hairball...

King
So I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be...

Shrek
Ogres! Yes!

Queen
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Harold?

King
Oh, no, no. Of course not!
That's assuming you don't eat your own young.

Princess Fiona
Dad!

Queen
So, you live in a swamp?
That sounds like a fine place to raise the children.

Shrek
It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

King
Indeed! I had just started eating.

Donkey
[to Puss-in-Boots]
The position of annoying talking animal has been filled.

Donkey
You're supposed to say "You have the right to remain silent!".
No one said I have the right to remain silent!

Shrek
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.

[Puss is watching Shrek and Fiona]
Puss-in-Boots
Whatever happens... I must not... cry...

Donkey collapses in a dead faint]
Puss-in-Boots
Hey, boss. Let's shave him.

[after drinking a beauty potion]
Donkey
I don't *feel* any different. Do I look any different?

Puss-in-Boots
You still look like an ass to me!

Shrek
Quick tell a lie!

Pinocchio
What should I say?

Donkey
Say something crazy...
like you're wearing ladies underwear.

Pinocchio
Um, ok. I'm wearing ladies underwear.

[silence]

Shrek
Are you?

Pinocchio
I most certainly am not.
[nose extends] .

Donkey
It looks like you most certainly are.

Pinocchio
I am not!
[nose extends]

Puss-in-Boots
What Kind?

Gingerbread Man
IT'S A THONG!