*
.
.'
*
.
`.
*
.
[Melvin has once again
insulted her without realizing it]
Melvin Udall
Forget I said that.
Carol Connelly
I'll never forget you said it.
Simon Bishop
Melvin, do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
Carol Connelly
Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a
regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly
Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Melvin Udall
I can't get back to my old life.
She's evicted me from my life!
Simon Bishop
Did you really like it all that much?
Carol Connelly
To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held
each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
Melvin Udall
Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon Bishop
Sure.
Melvin Udall
You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon Bishop
Melvin...
Melvin Udall
I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you
weren't...
Simon Bishop
You consider your life easy?
[pause]
Melvin Udall
All right, I give you that one.
Melvin Udall
I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly
I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall
Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Anyway, here
goes: I've got this, what, ailment. Now, my doctor, this shrink
I used to go to all the time, says that in fifty to sixty percent
of cases, a pill really helps. I HATE pills, hate them. I'm
using the word "hate" about pills. Anyway, my compliment
to you is the night after you came over and said that you
would never... well, you were there, you know what you said.
Anyway, the very next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly
I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall
You make me want to be a better man.
Melvin Udall
I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol
Do you want to dance?
Melvin Udall
I've been thinking about that for a while.
Carol
[standing up]
Well?
Melvin Udall
No.
Melvin Udall
Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Carol
Judging from your eyes, I'd say you
were kind, so so much for eyes.
Simon Bishop
If you stare at someone long enough,
you discover their humanity.
Receptionist
How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall
I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
[Sitting in the bar after Carol storms
out]
Melvin Udall
Well, it's not right to go into details, but I said the wrong thing.
Whereas if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman
who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with
you. No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Melvin Udall
How can you diagnose someone with an obsessive compulsive
disorder, then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin Udall
Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a
fire, not even
if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week
later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying
human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the
stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then,
don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and
you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has
been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's
going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone
to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on
this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop
Uhm, yes. It's not a... subtle point that you're
making.
Melvin Udall
Okay then.
[Shuts door in Simon's face]
Melvin Udall
What if this is as good as it gets?
Melvin Udall
I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows
you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who
appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you
do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single
thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you
almost always mean something that's all about being straight and
good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them,
them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear
their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman
alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Melvin Udall
Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol
When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you
were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Carol Connelly
Do you have any control over how
creepy you allow yourself to get?
Simon Bishop
The life that I was trying for is gone, and I'm
feeling
so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Carol
Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Melvin Udall
Maybe we could live *without* the wisecracks.
Carol
Maybe we could.
Carol
OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall
It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take
place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no
one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times,
noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad,
but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
Carol
Have you ever let a romantic moment make
you do something that you knew was stupid?
Melvin Udall
Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
