Episode 10
French Subtitled Film
(Exterior
large rubbish dump. Hand-held camera tracks to girl in simple white dress with
red hair fourteen foot long, who is sitting on a chair holding a cabbage in her
hands. After a time Stig, in white jeans, shirt and scarf enters shot and
stands around uneasily.)
Stig:
(Terry Jones) Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE:
'GOOD MORNING')
Girl:
(Carol Cleveland) Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE:
'GOOD MORNING')
(Pause.
Stig looks uneasy, glancing at camera.)
Stig:
II fair beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE:
'IT'S A NICE DAY')
Girl:
Oui, oui.
(SUBTITLE:
'YES, YES')
Stig:
D'accord...
(SUBTITLE:
'HEAR HEAR')
Stig:
Venez-vous ici souvent?
(SUBTITLE:
'DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?')
Girl:
Oui.
(SUBTITLE:
'YES')
Stig:
Ah. Bon. Bon.
(SUBTITLE:
'GOOD, GOOD')
(Pause.)
Stig:
Je vois que vous avez un chou.
(SUBTITLE:
'I SEE THAT YOU HAVE A CABBAGE')
Girl:
Oui.
(SUBTITLE:
'YES')
(Stig
starts to laugh falsely, and then the girl joins in. It is a miserable attempt
to capture joy and togetherness. The girl stops laughing before Stig does.)
Stig:
Certainement il fair beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE:
'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')
(Stig
wanders out of shot but is very obviously pushed back into the picture.)
Stig:
Je suis revolutionnaire.
(SUBTITLE:
'I AM A REVOLUTIONARY')
Girl:
Oh.
Stig:
Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?
(SUBTITLE:
'WHAT DID YOU SAY?')
Girl:
J'ai dit 'oh'.
(SUBTITLE:
'I SAID "OH"')
Stig:
Ah. Tr's interessant.
(SUBTITLE:
'AH. VERY INTERESTING')
(Cut
to pimply youth in studio.)
Phil:
(Eric Idle) Brian Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there in an improvised
scene from Jean Kenneth Longueur's new movie 'Le Fromage Grand'. Brian and
Brianette symbolize the breakdown in communication in our modern society in
this exciting new film and Longueur is saying to us, his audience, 'go on,
protest, do something about it, assault the manager, demand your money back'.
Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage, Longueur mercilessly
exposes the violence underlying our society when Brian and Brianerte again meet
on yet another rubbish dump.
(Different
part of same dump, but not very different. Girl is still on chair but this time
with a head of lettuce. Then Stig enters shot.)
Stig:
Bonjour encore.
(SUBTITLE:
'HELLO AGAIN')
Girl:
Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE:
'GOOD MORNING')
Stig:
Je vois que aujourd'jui vous avez une co-laitue.
(SUBTITLE:
'I SEE YOU'VE GOT A WEBB'S WONDER TODAY')
Girl:
Oui.
Stig:
Bon.
(SUBTITLE:
'GOOD')
(Intercut
quick shot from war film: machine-gunner in plane.)
Stig:
Il fair beau encore.
(SUBTITLE:
'IT'S A LOVELY DAY AGAIN')
(Shot
of Paris riots and clubbing.)
Girl:
Oui.
(SUBTITLE:
'YES')
Stig:
Bon.
(SUBTITLE:
'GOOD')
(Shot
of Michael being struck on head with a club by John.)
Stig:
Vous pouvez dire 'a encore.
(SUBTITLE:
'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')
(Shot
of collapsing building, then a man at a piano (Graham); the lid slams on his
hands.)
Stig:
Certainement il fair beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE:
'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT')
(Shot
of aeroplanes bombing. Shot of chef receiving arrow in chest. Shot of girl
kicking tall man on shin. Shot of rockets being fired from plane.)
Girl:
Oui.
(SUBTITLE:
'YES')
(Shot
of hydrogen bomb.')
Stig:
I1 fait beau bier. Ha ha ha.
(SUBTITLE:
'IT WAS LOVELY YESTERDAY. HA HA HA')
(Shot
of ack ack gun. Shot of man receiving a punch in the head from a boxing glove.
Shot of nun kicking a policeman in the crutch.)
Girl:
Ha ha.
(SUBTITLE:
'HA HA. HA HA. HA HA.')
(Shot
of Spitfire. Shot of Korean soldier; then man being beheaded.)
Stig:
Quel surprise de vous voir encore.
(SUBTITLE:
'WHAT A SURPRISE TO SEE YOU AGAIN')
(Shot
of Paris riots. Shot of man having his foot stamped on. Shot of blazing
building. Shot of man being poked in the eye with an umbrella. Shot of
battleship firing broadside. Shot of man in underpants having a bucket of water
thrown over him. Shot of soccer violence. Shot of man bring knifed by a Greek
Orthodox priest.)
Girl:
Je t'aime.
(SUBTITLE:
'I LOVE YOU')
Stig:
Je t'aime.
(SUBTITLE:
'I LOVE YOU')
(They smile at each other happily for a moment. Then they hear something ticking. They listen carefully for a moment and then both start to look fearfully at the cos lettuce. After a moment of terror the cos lettuce explodes, in slow motion, blowing them apart. As tatters and pieces of cos lettuce float through the air in slow motion, the camera pans down to some autumn leaves. Freeze frame. SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FIN')
Scott of the Antarctic
Phil:
Pretty strong meat there from Longueur who is saying, of course, that
ultimately materialism, in this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must destroy us
all. That was for O. Simon, K. Simon, P. Simon and R. Sparrow of Leicester.
Later on, we're going to take a look at John Wayne's latest movie, 'Buckets of
Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads' but now we look ahead. On Tuesday Chris
Conger took a BBC film unit to the location where 20th Century Vole are
shooting their latest epic 'Scott of the Antarctic'.
(Chris
Conger standing with back to pier and a few holidaymakers behind him.)
Conger:
Sea, sand and sunshine make Paignton the queen of the English Riviera. But for
the next six months this sleepy Devonshire resort will be transformed into the
blizzard-swept wastes of the South Pole. For today shooting starts on the epic
'Scott of the Antarctic', produced by Gerry Schlick. (walks over to Schlick)
Schlick:
(American accent) Hello.
Conger:
Gerry, you chose Paignton as the location for Scott.
Schlick:
Right, right.
Conger:
Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no snow here?
Schlick:
Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex, which is a new white foam rubber
which actually on screen looks more like snow than snow...
(Cut
to shot of people nailing and sticking white foam rubber over things. It looks
terrible. Others are painting the sand with white paint.)
Schlick:
... and 1,600 cubic US furlongs of white paint, with a special snow finish.
Conger:
And I believe Kirk Vilb is playing the title role.
Schlick:
That is correct. We were very thrilled and honoured when Kirk agreed to play
the part of Lieutenant Scott (cut to Kirk Vilb who is wearing fur open at the
chest; he is having a chest wig stuck on and icing sugar squeezed on to his nose
and eyebrows) because a star of his magnitude can pick and choose, but he read
the title and just flipped. (cut back to Gerry Schlick and Chris Conger) And
directing we have a very fine young British director, James McRettin, who's
been collaborating on the screenplay, of course Jimmy...
(McRettin
rushes into foreground. He is in no way like J. McGrath.)
McRettin:
Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great.
Hello. Marvellous. Marvellous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh this is really great. I mean,
it's really saying something, don't you think?
Conger:
Have you started shooting yet?
McRettin:
Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great -
great.
Conger:
What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?
McRettin:
Great. Terrific. Oh it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor.
Sort it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and
anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin
and tonic and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a
drink, have a drink.
Conger:
But which scene are we shooting first, Jimmy?
McRettin:
Yes, great. Oh, marvellous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first?
What? (to Conger) It's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie.
Well, it is now. I rewrote it. (calls.) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut
that?
Schlick:
No, we didn't.
McRettin:
We didn't. Oh great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling)
Scene one's back in everyone. Scene one's back in. Great. Great. (to Conger)
This is the scene - outside the tent - it's all bloody marvelous. It makes you
want to throw up.
(Cut
to ScMick and Conger on the beach.)
Schlick:
Now in this scene Lieutenant Scott returns to camp in the early morning after
walking the huskies to have brunch with the rest of his team. (cut to shot of
tent with Bowers, who is black, and Oates, sitting outside) Oates, played by
your very own lovely Terence Lemming, who is an English cockney officer
seconded to the US Navy, and Bowers played by Seymour Fortescue, the Olympic
pole vaulter.
(Film:
Scott comes up to them. He has two large boxes strapped to his feet to make him
look tall.)
Oates:
Hi, Lieutenant.
Scott:
Hi, Oatesy. Sure is a beautiful day already.
McRettin:
(rushing in) Great, great.
Scott:
What? What are you saying?
McRettin:
I was just saying great, great. Cue Evans.
(Sexy
girl with long blond hair comes into shot with short pink fur coat. She walks up
to Scott who towers four feet above her as she is walking in a trench.)
Schlick:
And this is Vanilla Hoare as Miss Evans.
Conger:
Miss Evans?
Schlick:
Right.
(Miss
Evans is now beneath Scott at knee height.)
Scott:
Good morning, Miss Evans.
Evans:
Oh, I've forgotten my line.
McRettin:
What's her line? What's her line?
(Girl
runs in with script.)
Girl:
It's 'Good morning, Captain Scott'.
Evans:
Oh, yeah. 'Good morning, Captain.' Sc'..; oh, I'm just not really very happy
with that line. Could I just say Hi Scottie ?
McRettin:
Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.
Girl:
Hi Scarrie Oh, sorry. Hi Stocky! Oh - I'm sorry again. Oh, Jim. I'm just
unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, (goes beserk waving
hands) like this? Hi Scottie!
McRettin:
Great! We'll shoot it.
Scott:
Are you sure that's right?
McRettin:
Oh, it's great.
(Gerry
Schlick walks into the shot.)
Schlick:
Jim.
McRettin:
Jim! Jim! Oh, me!
Schlick:
Jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.
McRettin:
Great! Where are they?
Schlick:
Where are who?
McRettin:
I don't know. I was getting confused.
Schlick:
Jim, I feel here, that Scott may be too tall in the area of height with
reference to Vanilla who is too near the ground in the area of being too short
at this time.
McRettin:
Great ... Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Scott and put a box in
Vanilla's trench.
Scott:
Say, why don't I take the boxes off and Vanilla get up out of the trench?
McRettin:
It wouldn't work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
Evans:
What was that?
McRettin:
Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Scott takes his boxes off and you don't
stand in the trench.
Evans:
I say my lines out of the trench?
McRettin:
Even better. Great.
Evans:
But I've never acted out of a trench. I might fall over. It's dangerous.
McRettin:
Oh well, could you just try it?
Evans:
Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a million
dollars to act out of a trench. I played Miss St John the Baptist in a trench,
(she walks along in the trench and we see that she has two boxes strapped to
her feet) and I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Miss
Alexander Fleming in a furrow so if you want this scene played out of a trench,
well you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman. (walks off) I played Miss
Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs Jesus Christ in a geological syncline, so
don't...
McRettin:
Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's
work.
Schlick:
But you haven't done a shot.
McRettin:
Just keeping morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)
(The
same afternoon.)
Schlick:
Now this afternoon we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat
on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the
blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion.
Conger:
But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic.
Schlick:
What?
Conger:
There aren't any lions in the Antarctic.
Schlick:
You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous! Whoever
heard of a lion in the Antarctic? Right. Lose the lion.
McRettin:
Got to keep the lion. It's great!
Schlick:
Lose the lion.
McRettin:
Great. We're losing the lion. Rewrite. Lose the lion everyone. That's
fantastic,
Scott:
What's this about our losing the lion?
Schlick:
Well, Kirk, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the lion a little
bit, Kirk, angel.
Scott:
(loudly) Why?
Schlick:
Well, Kirkie, doll, there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby.
Scott:
(shouts) I get to fight the lion.
Schlick:
It'd be silly.
Scott:
Listen, I gotta fight the lion. That's what that guy Scott's all about. I know.
I've studied him already.
Schlick:
But why couldn't you fight a penguin?
McRettin:
Great! (falls over)
Scott:
Fight a rotten penguin?
Schlick:
It needn't be a little penguin. It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen.
An electric penguin, twenty feet high, with long green tentacles that sting
people, and you can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting
psssssshhhh in slow motion.
Scott:
The lion is in the contract.
Schlick:
He fights the lion.
McRettin:
Even better. Great. Have a drink. Lose the penguin. Stand by to shoot. (falls
over)
Schlick:
Where do they have lions?
Conger:
Africa.
Schlick:
That's it. Scott's in Africa. As many lions as we need.
McRettin:
Great!
Schlick: He's looking for a pole no one else knows about. That ties in with the sand. Right. Paint the sand yellow again. Okay, let's get this show on the road. 'Scott of the Sahara.'
Scott of the Sahara
(Cut
instantly to sky. CAPTION: 'SCOTT OF THE SAHARA')
Voice
Over: Booming out of the pages of history comes a story of three men and one
woman whose courage shocked a generation.
(Blinding
sun. Pan down to Paignton beach. Scott, Evans, Oates and Bowers wearing furs
crossing sand on snow shoes. With sledge pulled by motley selection of mongrel
dogs, badly disguised as huskies.)
Voice
Over: From the same team that brought you ... (the names come out superimposed)
'Lawrence of Glareorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman
of Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Leamington' ... comes the story of
three people and a woman united by fate who set out in search of the fabled
Pole of the Sahara and found ... themselves. See ... Lieutenant Scott's death
struggle with a crazed desert lion.
(The
four are walking along. Suddenly they stop, stare, and react in horror. Scott
steps to the front to defend the others. Intercut, non-matching stock shot of
lion running out of jungle and leaping at camera. Scott waits poised and is
then struck by completely rigid stuffed lion. Montage of shots of him
wrestling, firstly with the stuffed lion, then with an actor in a tatty lion
suit. The lion picks up a chair, fends Scott off, smashes it over his head.
Finally Scott kicks the lion on the shin. The lion leaps around on one leg and
picks up a knife. Scott points, the lion looks, Scott kicks the knife out of
the lion's paw. He advances on the lion, and socks him on the jaw. The lion
collapses in slow motion. After a pause, phoney blood spurts out.)
Voice
Over: See Ensign Oates' frank adult death struggle with the spine-chilling
giant electric penguin...
(Oates
looks up in horror, a shadow crosses him. Reverse shot of model penguin [quite
small, about a foot] which lights up and looks electric. The penguin is close
to the camera in the foreground and appears huge. Oates looks around
desperately then starts to undress. Shot of penguin throwing tentacle.
Half-nude Oates struggles with it. Intercut a lot of phoney reverses. Oates by
now clad only in posing briefs sees a stone. He picks up the stone, then camera
zooms into above-naval shot; he removes his briefs, puts the stone in the
briefs, twirls it like a sling, and releases stone. The penguin is hit on beak,
and falls over backwards.)
Voice
Over: ... See Miss Evans pursued by the man-eating roll-top writing desk.
(Miss
Evans is running along screaming. Shot of desk chasing her [phoney desk with
man inside]. The roll top goes up and down, emitting roars, and displaying
fearsome white teeth inside. As Evans runs, her clothing gets torn on each of
the three cactuses. These are well spaced apart so that there is a lot of trouble
to get near them. When she is practically nude, she runs out of shot revealing
the announcer.)
Announcer: And now for something completely different.
The Fish License Sketch
Customer:
Hello, I would like to buy a fish license, please.
Shopkeeper:
A what?
C:
A license for my pet fish, Eric.
S:
How did you know my name was Eric?
C:
No no no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.
S:
What?
C:
He is...an...halibut.
S:
You've got a pet halibut?
C:
Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too
flat.
S:
You must be a looney.
C:
I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because
I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn
called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe,
the lady show-jumper, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor,
Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an
haddock! So, if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a
looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
S:
Alright, alright, alright. A license.
C:
Yes.
S:
For a fish.
C:
Yes.
S:
You are a looney.
C:
Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric,
and I've got a license for me pet cat Eric...
S:
You don't need a license for your cat.
C:
I bleeding well do and I got one. He can't be called Eric without it--
S:
There's no such thing as a bloody cat license.
C:
Yes there is!
S:
Isn't!
C:
Is!
S:
Isn't!
C:
I bleeding got one, look! What's that then?
S:
This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in
crayon.
C:
The man didn't have the right form.
S:
What man?
C:
The man from the cat detector van.
S:
The looney detector van, you mean.
C:
Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.
S:
What cat detector van?
C:
The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
S:
Housinge?
C:
It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many
bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at
four hundred yards! And Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
S:
How much did you pay for this?
C:
Sixty quid, and eight for the fruit-bat.
S:
What fruit-bat?
C:
Eric the fruit-bat.
S:
Are all your pets called Eric?
C:
There's nothing so odd about that: Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called
Abdul!
S:
No he didn't!
C:
Did!
S:
Didn't!
C:
Did, did, did, did, did and did!
S:
Oh, all right.
C:
Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?
S:
I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
C:
In that case, give me a bee license.
S:
A license for your pet bee?
C:
Yes.
S:
Called Eric? Eric the Bee?
C:
No.
S:
No?
C:
No, Eric the Half-Bee. He had an accident.
S:
You're off your chump.
C:
Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquiallism to imply
that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my
little chum Eric the Half-Bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take
it away, Eric the orchestra leader!.......
A
one... two.... A one.. two.. three..four...
[piano
intro]
Half
a bee, philosophically, must, ipso facto, half not be.
But
half the bee
has
got to be,
vis
a vis
its
entity - do you see?
But
can a bee
be
said to be
or
not to be
an
entire bee
when
half the bee
is
not a bee
due
to some ancient injury?
Singing...
La
dee dee, 1 2 3,
Eric
the half a bee.
A B
C D E F G,
Eric
the half a bee.
Is
this retched demi-bee,
half
asleep upon my knee,
some
freak from a menagerie?
No!
It's Eric the half a bee.
Fiddle
dee dum,
Fiddle
dee dee,
Eric
the half bee.
Ho
ho ho,
Tee
hee hee,
Eric
the half a bee.
I
love this hive employee-ee-ee [with buzzing in background]
bisected
accidentally
one
summer afternoon by me
I
love him carnally.
He
loves him carnally... [together]
...semi-carnally
[spoken]
The
end
'Cyril
Connelly?'
No!
'Semi-carnally'
Oh!
Cyril
Connelly [sung softly and slowly]
Derby Council vs All-Blacks Rugby Match
(In
long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and dignitaries approach a
startled Praline. Organ music below a reverent voice over:)
Voice
Over: And now, there is the Mayor. Surely the third tallest mayor in Derby's
history. And there are the Aldermen magnificently resplendent in their
Aldermanic hose and just look at the power in those thighs. The New Zealanders
are going to find it pretty tough going in the set pieces in the second half...
So Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald... and now the Mayor has
reached the Great Customer Mr Eric Praline. (the mayor takes a piece of Paper
from the post office man) And now the Mayoral human being takes the Mayoral Pen
in the Mayoral hand and watched by the Lady Mayoress, who of course scored that
magnificent try in the first half, signs the fishy exemption (the mayor signs
it and hands it to Praline) and the Great Customer, Mr Eric Praline, who is
understandably awed by the magnificence and even the absurdity of this great
occasion here at Cardiff Arms Park, (Praline looks very confused) has finally
gone spare and there is the going sparal look on the front of his head. And now
the Aldermen are finishing their oranges and leaving the post office for the
start of the second half.
(They
all exit out of door, eating oranges, and Praline looks after them. Cut to a
rugby fielet Crowd roaring as the aldermen, mayor, mayoress, town clerk, Dawn
Palethorpe (on a horse) and the borough surveyor run onto the pitch and take up
their positions.)
Commentator:
And here come the Derby Council XV following the All Blacks out on to the
pitch. There, in the centre of the picture you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir
Gerald - one of the fastest wingers we must have seen in England this season.
On the left hand side of the picture the Lord Mayor has been running such
wonderful possession for Derby Council in the lines out and it's the All Blacks
to kick off. Wilson to kick off. Oh, I can see there the Chairman of the
By-ways and Highways Committee who's obviously recovered from that very nasty
blow he got in that loose ball in the first half. (opposite them the All Blacks
kick off) And Wilson kicks off and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball
beautifully there, the All Blacks are up on it very fast and the whistle has
gone. I'm not quite sure what happened there, I couldn't see, but there's a
scrum~down. I think it's an All Blacks' ball. 'They were upon them very fast.
Obviously they're going to try very hard in this half to wipe out this
five-point deficit. Derby Council eight points to three up and Derby Council
have got the ball against the head. There is the Borough Surveyor, the
scrum-haif is out of the ... er, the Chairman of the Highway and By-way
Committee who's kicked for touch. The line out - and it's into the line out and
the Mayor has got the ball again. To the Borough Surveyor who's left out the
Medical Officer of Health. Straight along the line to the Lady Mayoress and the
Lady Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has missed her - he's taken to
the full back - only the full back to beat and she has scored! The Lady
Mayoress has scored, it's eleven points to three.
(Caption
on screen: 'NEW ZEALAND 3 DERBY COUNCIL 11' Cut to linkman and Cliff Morgan.)
Linkman:
(Michael) Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result for the All
Blacks.
Cliff:
(Welsh accent) Well, they've had very bad luck on the tour so far. They missed
four very easy kicks against the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society, which must
have cost them the match and then of course there was that crippling defeat at
the hands of the Derry and Toms Soft Toy Department, so I don't think they can
be really fancying their chances against the London Pooves on Saturday.
Linkman:
And what about China?
Cliff:
Well, whether Mao Tse Tung is alive or not, Lin Piao has a stranglehold on the
central committee which Lin Shao Chi can't break, so it remains to be seen
whether Chou En Lai can really get his finger out and get going in the second
half.
Linkman:
Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi-final
between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver
Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match.
(Rapid
montage of goals scored by competent gynaecologists wearing surgical gowns and
caps, against totally incompetent and immobile LJSI team who simply stand round
going 'aaah! Jim lad' as the goals rain in. The ball is tucked off-screen.
Sudden cut to studio. A presenter is standing in front of curtain; he catches
the ball thrown from off. He smiles.)
Presenter: Well, that's about it for tonight ladies and gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you. Ha, ha, ha. (The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to montage of scenes of destruction, buildings falling down, bombs etc. Roll credits over.)