The drive back to the Cathedral was a blur, Hex exceeding the speeding limit most of the way.  Her mind a mess of thought she couldn’t express.  Parking her bike inside she heads for Julius and greeted him.  Not sticking around long she goes to her room even though she knew she would end up elsewhere.  She hated to sit with just her thoughts especially when they involved the crime scene of Russell’s death and what Devin’s must have looked like.  Not even an hour passes and she is searching for Johnny.  Not finding him anywhere else she goes to his room.  Lightly knocking on the door she hears him on the other side before the door opens.  Her dark brown hair is loose and her head bowed slightly shading her eyes.  She’s not in her usual attire and is wearing only a thin t-shirt and a pair of blue jeans.  It’s obvious that she is not here for  sex and she waits for him to actually invite her into the room before stepping through the doorway. 

She enters and sits on the edge of his bed never taking her eyes off her bare feet. The door is shut and the bed sinks beside her as he sits next to her.  She wonders if he has heard what has happened to her herd.  She wonders what Johnny’s thinking as this is not what Hex acts like.  She moves so she is sitting thigh to thigh with him and leans her head against his shoulder.  No doubt Johnny is wondering what is going on because Hex never shows this much emotion unless it’s anger.  Not even after sex she just isn’t the cuddle kind.  Finally, before he has to ask what is wrong she speaks. 

“I abandoned them Johnny.  I made another mistake and now Devin and Russell are dead and Max, he’s somewhere I don’t even know where, he joined a cult.  How could I do that to them?  Normal people learn from their mistakes how come I don’t.  I just make one after another.”  She’s not even sure if Johnny is listening to her but she continues anyway.  “I just get others hurt, I get in the way, I left home because I couldn’t trust myself to stay in control.  Why am I such a  испортить [means: fuck up]?” the words held a hint of anger.   “Почему делают Вы любите меня?[Why do you like me?]  Why would you even put up with me?  I mean you were staked, crucified on the wall of the cathedral because of me. How do you not hate me?”