It is now two days later and as I said I would I have submitted my resignation as of yesterday. When I handed Rich my notice and asked him to sign and date one copy for me he had already been informed of my intent by my fellow workers and he and I talked a bit. He said many nice things and asked if there was anything he could do to get me to reconsider. I had told him as I told my fellow deli "bitches" (as we affectionately call ourselves) that my only option at this point was to take several weeks off to consider it and get things accomplished in my personal life. I made no promises as I had no certainties yet. He assured me he understood and handed me back my notice. That was yesterday. Today as I got to work, Brenda (the deli manager) was by the time clock, perhaps waiting for me, and I soon found myself having a chat with both her and Rich in the upper office to discuss my discontent and possible future at the store. They both apologized and admitted that the company has a tendency to "take advantage of their good workers" (Rich) and seemed genuine in their praise of my performance and dependability.
Now that's all good and fine, and I genuinely do appreciate their comments and I know them to be sincere and true. I do know my worth as an employee and yet I do not fall to arrogance in it or ask for special privileges or consideration in light of it. But they did speak of making things right, hoping I would come back after a leave. But being realistic I must look at the facts that these are things I have heard in the past which I have yet to see come to fruition. I must ask myself if those things would indeed become reality. I must also consider whether or not I would want to deal with the things outside of my or their control which bring stress to the position. Many thoughts and ideas turn around in my mind while thinking about it. Perhaps if I could move to another department things would be different. I doubt I could go back to cashiering though as I take full responsibility for screwing that up myself. True, the inconsistent schedule and jumping from night shift to day shift always had me off balance and affected my focus level there, but it was I who ultimately made the errors and had to pay the price for those mistakes. I must admit though that cashiering is probably the best position for me. It is where I normally excel with both customer service and job performance. However, I am aware that my interest in being "chatty" and conversant with the customers also affected my focusing ability.
One thing I find of particular interest with myself is the vast difference between my personal and public attitudes. By nature I am pretty much a loner who prefers to be by myself. It never bothers me to be alone and I am quite certain that I would be perfectly content to be stranded alone for the rest of my life on a deserted island somewhere. When I am out in public I typically present my confident, self assured, cheerful demeanor and am often looked upon quite favorably by others. It seems that I often stand out among others as "noteworthy" and I like to believe I inspire a positive reaction in my general acceptance and appreciation of the uniqueness of all people I come in contact with. I guess you could say that personally I could do without the world at large and society and culture as a whole, but being that this is unfeasible I make the very best out of the fact I am a part of it and strive to bring about the greatest good I can in my own environment.
I guess I could elaborate further. Take for example my love of nature. I enjoy the natural aspects of the world best when I am alone. I think I love nature so much because it is by and large just that, natural. There is very little deception in the natural world and then pretty much only for survival purposes (i.e. camouflage). I guess in comparison with culture and society I simply know where I stand in nature as a part of it. But society is filled with less desirable complexities that one must face and deal with. From my point of view and because of my dedication to Truth I have difficulties in dealing with these less desirable traits. Selfishness, greed, intolerance, needless sorrow and anger, manipulation and most of all deception (among others). I suppose the thing that bothers me most about them is that when I am in the influence of a few of these things there is the constant struggle not to fall to them myself. Most I have no difficulties with anymore but when I am exposed to these traits too much and too often I tend to fall mostly to intolerance which leads to frustration and then eventually in my frustration and disgust I can get just plain mean or nasty in my confrontation of said traits. It takes a lot to get me to that point since I do have a strong sense of compassion and acceptance but I do have the capacities of any other human being.
In nature however, I simply never have to face any of that and I think that is when my true nature of serenity shines. It is probably why I have always been able to get so close to wildlife and I think it is that sense of (dare I say) purity or innocence within me which appeals to the majority of children as well. One thing about my own dissatisfactions with society however. I know how disappointed and frustrated I get sometimes, despite my compassion for my fellow man, but I can't even imagine how Jesus must have felt when he walked the earth. I take solace in the fact that I can never be tested as he was and though I am still quite ignorant in my understanding of many things, I know the sacrifice he made and look to my own final days readily. I have yet much more I can learn, but so long as I strive to make Truth the most important thing in my life I believe I am on the right path.
Well anyway, I think I have elaborated enough on the topic. I am looking forward to the time off to get my bearings back. Who knows how long I will need? I am more than fine financially, that is certain. There are also a number of possibilities I have been considering as well. Perhaps I will go back to work there in time. Or perhaps I will just take an extended leave and seek employment elsewhere. I may end up going back to California to help take care of my friend (and former boss) Chris should he start losing his fight with the cancer he has. Heaven forbid that should happen, but if it were to be then I would be there for him to the last day as he is a true and dear friend whom I love. I might finally finish my novel (ha! fat chance!) or I may start up some sort of entrepreneurial business. Time will tell and for now I need that time to think about it.
Friday September 26th, 2003: Light and Life
Today as I was driving home from cashing my last check a thought occurred to me. I began thinking on my ideas of light and the information that it carries with it. I was recalling a week plus before when Drew and I made an attempt at remote viewing. I told him to choose a place he knew which I didn�t and I would try to go there mentally and see what information I could get. He came up with a few places first, but he kept inadvertently feeding me information. So after several attempts to make it clear how he should �direct� his questions without giving ANY information I could use, he finally got the point. The first three attempts I stopped him when he gave even vague information with his questions such as �what is sitting on the table?� I explained to him how that simple phrase relayed to me that there was indeed a table when I needed to discover that myself through my remote viewing senses. I told him his questions needed to be more vague such as the following: �O.K., as you are standing there, what do you see?�
So once we were clear on that he finally chose a place and only told me the name of it which, quite honestly, I don�t really even remember now. But that was the place to start. I began by asking my inner self, the universe, or whatever that source of knowledge is to show me this place I had no idea about. At first I only got the �sense� of a place. It was not really the form of a mental image but more of a sense of simply �knowing� my surroundings. I began by telling him that it was outdoors and expansive. For some reason my focus kept fixing on some structure. It was vague at first but I told him that I got the sense of several stone (primarily) structures scattered about the vast area. Similarities to a graveyard came to mind, but I could not be sure so I kept searching and inquiring the forces at work. Finally I told him that I kept being drawn to a particular stone structure that sort of reminded me of a mausoleum. So with this I focused myself on the structure and approached it mentally.
Quickly enough I began drawing out details. I told him that it was constructed almost entirely out of a grayish stone. I told him as well that there were only a few curved steps (2-5) going up into it. There were no real bushes or shrubs near it but the area around it was sort of rocky. I was certain of pillar like constructions but told him it was more like a bas relief. I told him of an image of those funny bronze ball like things that the Russian or India based architecture might have. I told him I could feel a bronze-like small ball about waist height which turned out to be part of a banister/handrail. I told him of an archway that was an entrance into the structure and that there was another archway directly across and that I could see a structure in it�s frame, a statue I think of someone on a horse. I told him that the inside of the structure had curved walls and that there were some sort of visual depictions on the left walls. I moved over to them and put my hands up to them and told him I felt raised letters on the walls. I could make out a �th� and perhaps there was a 3 but could not pinpoint it. I got the sense that one of the depictions was of at least two soldiers.
Other details of the structure came out as well including my symbolic image of a crown which I think was a cap on some small tower like protrusion with a point on it. I also moved my consciousness above the structure to see it from above and told him that it was like a circle with a plus meaning that the structure and surrounding sidewalk was round with four paths leading away from it in a plus shape. I also saw a bas-relief type eagle in the stone and got the sense of a cannon somewhere nearby. All this however was never really clear, but rather fuzzy. Sort of like looking through gauze or something. The only things that were really clear was the surrounding grounds and trees. I could clearly see the grassy fields and nearby patches of trees. I could also tell that it was rolling ground and that on one side of the structure the ground was much lower than the rest of the ground.
So thinking on my theories of how light carries information while driving back from the store I was thinking how the living structures came out clearest in this latest R.T. attempt. It made me think about how living things more readily absorb and store light since they are constantly going through chemical changes while the non living stone absorbs and holds less overall. So if it is the information light carries that I am picking up it would make more sense to me that I would more clearly see those things which conduct more light transference and would tend to hold it longer through chemical processes as opposed to non living matter which absorbs and releases it mostly as heat transference.
I sort of see light information as layered like an onion. I am not so sure that the information carried on light waves ever really disappears, but much like a computer the information may be held within it somehow with the newest information being the most easily accessed. I sort of think that this is somehow the key to understanding how memory works. It may even be possible that the brain is not really where memory is stored but rather on the very fabric of light and matter itself. The brain may simply act as a sort of switchboard to access that information whether it is housed in the structure of the brain or not. Of course proximity probably has the effect of better accessibility to the information. And of course that information does not expire. To show this I simply offer the example of starlight. We can interpret the information carried on the light from a distant star to see an image of that star. Use a magnifying instrument and we see a clearer image by focusing that light and magnifying it. However, that information we see now is not the current state of that star, but the state of that star as it was according to how many light years it is away. Therefore if a star is ten light years away, we are seeing the image of that star as it was ten years in the past. The information carried on that stream of light remained unchanged for those ten years.
Granted, I do not clarify my entire view of this subject here, but to adequately explore all of my ideas on this subject it would probably take an entire book. I would have to research Quantum Physics more fully to get the nomenclature right in explaining my ties to it in these regards as well. It of course involves terms such as �light transference�, �electromagnetic frequencies and carrier waves�, �sonic vibration effects� and many other related subjects, probably including all four of the fundamental forces of the universe which are of course Gravity, Electro-magnetism, the Strong and the Weak Nucleic forces. It involves the way in which matter and energy interchange and the idea of Time as a perception of matter. One of these days I really should organize and catalogue my thoughts on these subjects but for now I am satisfied with these little �snippets� of insight now and then. Who knows though? Maybe someday I will figure something substantial out.
