I had one of the strangest experiences today. But before I get into it I would like to note that I did not sleep last night. I woke up around 3pm on Thursday afternoon and decided just to stay up all Thursday night. In fact I am writing this at 6 in the morning on Saturday the 3rd. Strangely enough, I am not really tired even though I have been awake now for nearly 40 hours.
So anyway, the experience. I had been playing the computer game Torment all morning and finally decided that I needed to get outdoors for a while. It was quite warm in the house and I was feeling all sticky. I went out in the back by the zucchini plants next to the shed and I began to feel a strange other worldly, sort of ethereal state of mind. As though I could sense the subtle stirring of energies all around me. Sort of a hyper alert state that kept my attention darting around my surroundings at certain events. The first thing I noticed was the stirring of the slight breeze in the Beech tree. It made no sound, but it was like a silent voice calling to me in my mind, as though the wind and tree itself were trying to speak to me. A gentle, whispery sort of tugging at my subconscious. I know this feeling well from countless times over the years, but this time was different. I can scarcely find words to describe the sensation, but it was in some strange way just like hearing sound, but not with the ears. Sort of like a phantom sound in my mind, or better yet, within the folds of my very being. Motion detection on some level that I had never experienced before.
I at first thought that it was a strange side effect of not having slept and maybe it was, but I was not the least bit tired. In fact, I was quite energized and harmonious. I sat drinking in the sensation when I �sensed� another motion behind me and to my right coming toward me. I glanced over my shoulder (my deaf side oddly enough) and saw a large butterfly flying past me. As I watched the motion I sensed the movement more keenly than I ever had before. It was as though I could feel the effort that the insect was making to beat it�s wings and that effort seemed so forced. Not like the wind which seemed more free flowing and gentle. Compared to the motion of the wind, the butterfly�s efforts seemed so struggled. And while the wind seemed whispery and gentle, the butterfly�s beating wings seemed (without sound) to �feel� as thunder echoing in my mind. This whole experience of motion sense lasted about twenty minutes and in that time it was as though I could feel the energy of things moving all about me. It was not linked to sound, but a tugging at some part of my mind or spirit. It only seemed closest to the sense of sound in it�s expression since it was a matter of differing magnitudes.
It was as if the very universe was speaking to me in a strong voice, but in a language I could not understand. But it all depended on the magnitude of the energy at play. While I could sense the occasional butterfly or bird moving near me without seeing them, I could not sense the much smaller things. I �sensed� an apple fall from the tree behind me and a moment later heard the thump as it hit the ground, and I could �feel� the larger catalpa leaves gently falling too, but not the smaller and farther away cherry tree leaves. It was as if there were messages in each event, but I just could not understand the language. I sat puzzled, trying to figure it out until the sensation slowly melted away and my sensory abilities returned to normal.
As already stated, I had felt the sensation of this before at times, but never so clearly and never as a sort of phantom �sound� in my mind. It was most peculiar to say the least. I just sat there near that spot for that 20 minutes and enjoyed the sense of harmony with all of creation while trying to puzzle out the impressions I was receiving. Funny though, it did not seem too important that I figure it out. Just an annoying feeling that I couldn�t understand it. Sort of like watching a television program in another language that you don�t understand. You still get something out of it, but don�t quite understand.
Well, I have been awake far too long and I am actually feeling a little tired and my eyes are beginning to droop a bit. I still feel sharp mentally though. In fact this may have been the clearest my thoughts and mind have been in a long while. None of that brain fog that I normally feel. But for now it is time to surrender this mind to the folds of the dreamscape. And I have this funny feeling that I am really going to dream tonight! I also had the strangest feeling that I could stay awake for several more days if I tried. But, I don�t want to push it and take the chance of getting all goofy and brain fogged. So it�s off to other worlds for now.
Monday August 26th, 2002: Reality Immersion.
Today, in the early morning hours I have decided to record my thoughts and feelings regarding something that has been a part of my existence for as long as I can remember. What I speak of is this ever constant feeling of surrealism. In more understandable terms it is a feeling that all things and events in my life almost never seem completely real. Sort of like the experience of dreaming. But even a dream feels real until one is woken up. Much like my experiences. But in this it is the passage of time that makes things unreal in a sense. The problem is that even as things are actually occurring to me they seem somewhat shadowed. It was not always this dominant. Memories from my past always seem in the realm of surrealism, but there is the knowledge that it was once what we call reality. But slowly, over my growing years, the surrealism seems to invade my senses evermore and existence seems more a shadow of life than life itself.
Now don�t get me wrong, I am not talking about some sort of psychosis or losing touch with reality. I know the meaning of it and fully recognize fact from fiction, actuality from fantasy. What I am speaking of is that ability to be fully �in the moment�. Much of the time it feels as though my life is just some motion picture playing out on a screen. As I get older and I have less novel experiences, the feeling of �detachment� gets ever stronger. As though I am less tied spiritually to my physical being. It sometimes becomes so strong that it seems that I am watching my life through someone else�s eyes and it never FULLY hits me. At least, not as I think it should. Perhaps everyone feels this way. I don�t really know for sure.
It is a strange sensation at times. Knowing what reality is and yet not feeling fully a part of it. I suppose I am trying here to better describe what I referred to as the �brain fog� in this months other entry. I will give an example of what I mean: Last night as I lay in bed to fall asleep I realized that I had no feeling or sense of my body. It was as though I had no body and was pure awareness. Now I knew that I had a body and that it was laying on the bed, in my room, breathing and functioning as always. But in that moment I had no real �sense� of it. There was only the sense of my awareness knowing of a body. I thought it strange and began to focus my awareness on the fact that I had a hand, a leg, etc. I would twitch my toes and fingers or move a body part and it would come into being and more fully into awareness as reality, but a shadow always remained. Always a sense of detachment from physical reality.
Even now as I sit here typing there is a sense of existing outside the physical reality. Like I am not fully here in mind, body AND spirit. I can use my intellect and view my past, realizing the shifting and where it first impacted my senses on a conscious level. At first it would be a sense of some other part of me that I did not recognize. That very thing I called my spirit in earlier entries. The gentle knowledge within that would whisper, not in words, �All is as it should be�. But even before that I can remember telling my very dear and longtime friend Greg about my concept of Big Tony and Little Tony. Big Tony being some stronger, wiser part of myself that dwelt within me and guided me. I have known Greg since I was twelve.
I have only now come to realize (or should I say UNDERSTAND *see the second to last chapter for a better grasp of what I mean) that it is this shifting of awareness that has caused so many effects and changes over the course of my life. They are as follows:
1. I once feared Death. Now I have no fear of it and in some strange way I am
actually looking forward to it. I do not fear my own death and I do not feel sorrow
or regret at someone else�s passing, but rather remember them joyfully.
2. I used to fall prey to depression and sorrow very often. So much so that it was
practically a way of life for me. And now for many years I have not known these
things as more than the tiniest shadow of what they once were. Crankiness? Sure.
Disappointment and discontent? Definitely. I recognize sorrow and am inspired to
it in movies when it is meant to be felt, and can empathize with someone else I am
with who feels it, but it is just that, empathy and not my own true sorrow.
3. Fear in general was another thing familiar to me. This too now has greatly
diminished. I have always been somewhat fearless in a sense, but now the only
real experiences close to true fear I have are those of being suddenly startled or
in extremely perilous situations (which has not happened for years now).
Nervousness and anxiety are still ever present however.
4. I used to feel terribly lonely. As though I did not matter to anyone. I felt as
though I was not a part of the world. But now I actually enjoy being alone
(probably too much) and have not felt lonely in years. I now have many people that I
love and who I feel love me in return. I also now have this experience of being a
part of everything. This �connection� with all of creation. *see below*
5. I used to have a very low self esteem and no real self confidence. Now I truly
love who I am (though not everything about myself) and am quite confident in myself
and my abilities. More than I ever thought possible. And while it may at times seem
like a bit of arrogance coming through, I find I am constantly guarding myself against
that. A constant lesson, but not so fine a line as it once was.
6. I used to be terribly selfish and spiteful. Selfish meaning always thinking of me and
my worries. Self absorbed might be a better term. (I was always generous with material
things). Now I really don�t think so much of myself when I am around others. I find
that I concern myself more with them and their comfort and well being. I notice the
beauty in each person more than I ever have before and have come to truly appreciate
those things that make them unique. I still value myself equally and will voice my
opinions and views, but I equally respect theirs as well.
There are of course other things that have changed. Almost all for the better. Perhaps the only thing that has changed for the worse is a feeling of separation from society as a whole. This is the one thing that I can�t include in the statement I make in point 4 above. It is a two sided coin though. For I am quite active socially and community wise, but I still often feel that I am kind of a black sheep or the odd man out. That I am misunderstood, perhaps even a bit strange. But this does not affect my sense of self worth. It just feels sometimes as though I have little in common with the more general ideas of society as a whole.
Also gleaned from point 4 came the thought that maybe this feeling of connectedness with creation is a contributing factor of my lack of self perspective. Perhaps this focus on the harmony with all things takes away from my sense of daily life. I do recognize that I feel most like myself and most in reality when I am in natural settings and feeling that harmony strongest. But most times even when I am alone at home my thoughts and understandings never fully congeal. I guess that�s what it all comes down to. The difference between knowing and understanding. And there is a world of difference between the two. For example, I know that I am a man with a mind, body, emotions and perhaps even a spirit, but I can barely even begin to understand all the intricate connections between those facets of my being. I know that all matter is comprised of these tiny things called atoms, but I can only imagine by descriptions given to me in books and such as to their reality and hardly have a grasp in true understanding of the concepts involved.
So many things we know and take for granted. Without ever truly understanding them. Well, it�s funny. I started out talking of this surrealism and how it concerned me and now I feel as though it hardly matters. Strange. I just keep getting that old sense of �all is as it should be�. Even though I feel a bit discontented that I am no closer to an answer than when I started, and even a bit of frustration from that realization, there is still that quiet sense of peace that is greater than, or somehow beyond this experience of physical self. So I will end with the knowledge that I am weary of trying to puzzle it out for now.
