So here it is one month and one day after my 35th birthday. I suppose I now need to get on with the fact that I may be around for a while. So much for the whole �not making it to 35� thing. Thoughts that have gone through my head of late have been those of having a future and the necessity of planning somewhat for that seeming reality. The other thing I have noticed is the natural tendency towards maturity where my state of mind is concerned. The trip to Manchester beach this year has shown me how much I have changed over these last few years. While Greg, Derek and the guys are ever consistent in their ongoing characteristics, I find that I have less and less in common with them in such matters. Childish ways are becoming a thing of the past and concerns for the sanctity of other�s rights are ever more dominant to me.
Of course, this changing direction toward maturity makes me appear to be the stick in the mud of those who have not moved in the same direction. I cannot say that one way is better than the other, simply that it widens the gap between us. We each have the right to be as we choose in this life. What we can tolerate in the others on a day to day basis is a different matter altogether.
There are two primary positive things in my life right now. First is my financial situation. I have been sticking to my long standing goal of getting out of debt and I am nearing that fact now. If All goes as expected I should be out of debt by the end of this year. As it is, my personal loan is below $400. Just over two more months and it will be a thing of the past. With that out of the way I will only have my Citibank visa left, which will take quite a while longer, but with my savings and such increasing every week it should all balance out around December. The second thing is that I have given up smoking cigarettes. For good this time I think. I still will smoke cigars, but I have committed myself in the matter of cigarettes. This is a good step and it is saving me some money and I think it is a step in quitting altogether. Why I even feel the need for it is due to those moments of time to fill that I covered in another entry. I know that if there is any addiction involved it is psychological and not physical because if I am visiting friends out of town for a few days I never even think of smoking or feel the urge.
Other areas of my life have not changed much. My inability to tolerate the drama that seems to surround me is ever present. I mostly find myself keeping my distance in such matters where others are concerned. To be involved in them takes more energy than I am willing to commit and so at times I feel that others see me as uncaring or uncompassionate. My own view is that I see all the wasted energy of playing all the games of such dramas when a simple balance of mind, heart and spirit, coupled with the acceptance of Truth will usually prevent all that wasted time and chaotic emotion. Why waste time trying to change things that are beyond my ability simply because I do not like them? Or spend countless hours brooding over all the negative emotions simply because things did not go the way I would have liked. Better to accept the reality of events that have transpired and remain steadfast to my commitment to Truth and make the most of any given situation without dwelling on the negativities of them.
Life must go on and it is only our own perceptions which hinder us or make us succeed. We may have no control over the way certain events play out in life, but we certainly have a choice of how we can respond to them. When I see others battling those things which they think are the cause of their miseries, never realizing that they are obstacles that are only within their own psyches, I feel sort of sad that they can not see it but yet fortunate that I have not had to deal with such things for several years now at least. There are of course the daily troubles which occur, but they seldom last through the immediate time of struggle and very rarely carry over into a few days. Then there is the problem of recurrence of the same problem. The thing that makes this tolerable is the knowledge that the choice is mine in whether to let it continue or not. If any given difficulty becomes too recurrent and intolerable then all I need do is move on in another direction. When such intolerance occurs I simply know that I must weigh the benefits of keeping things the same against the discomfort and then make a choice. As an example, I know that if things at work ever get so frustrating that I hate to even get up in the morning, then I have the option of finding a new job. Experience shows me that it is not difficult getting another job, paying the bills and such, but of course there are likewise no guarantees that things changed will be any better. But if nothing else there will be new opportunities to explore as well as different obstacles to overcome.
Romance. Now there is a pretty dead subject. I am not saying that I am incapable of having a loving committed relationship with one special person, but my happiness does not depend on it. Too often I see so much of people�s happiness revolve around having someone else to be with when that happiness should first come from within and instead be shared with someone special. If happiness can only be found because of them then it will always be hollow and never truly satisfying. This is not to say that they should not be able to bring you joy, quite the contrary. So very many moments of my day are brightened and made joyful by sharing with so many, but it is like walking through a beautiful flower garden. I can walk through and experience joy and wonder in the garden, but need not pick the blossoms to try to hold on to the feeling. Doing so would only make them wither and die and attach negative emotions with the experience. Instead I can appreciate the moments as they are present and hold on to the memory of what I liked about them and look forward to future possibilities of experiences yet to come. To latch onto the present or past and dread or simply not acknowledge other possibilities means that I fear change. And that is no way to go through life, for life is change. Nothing lasts forever. Even our very universe is changing and will someday cease to be in it�s own time. Matter and energy are ever changing, ever evolving and it stands to reason that our lives are no different. So with all that said and relating it to romance, I must say that I would have to find someone with the same understanding about these matters for me to be content in a relationship. But even as nice as that would be, it is by no means a necessity for me to lead a happy and productive life. My light touches many already and theirs touch me. And even if they depart from my life they will have left their mark. What I take from the experiences with them and what we create together is up to each of us.
Well that about covers my thoughts for now. I am trying to make sure to have at least one entry in this journal a month. Perhaps I do it so as not to forget what this life�s journey is all about. Or maybe just so I can see the slow, but certain changes taking place over the years in my state of consciousness. Either way, for now, it gives me a sense of satisfaction.
