At first I was unsure what it was. Then as I got to know him as a person, I found that his qualities began to shine through. I began to see his kind heart and gentle spirit. A sense of determination which greatly exceeds the norm and a desire to seek understanding. In time I came to rejoice in the nearness of his spirit, for it contains an energy and a love of life which brings joy to nearly all it touches. His natural charisma is self evident.
And now as I watch him grow nearer to adulthood and see the changes that take place, I must say that I become evermore impressed with his progress and his achievements. I feel very fortunate to be allowed to share in his triumphs and joys and to be there for him in his times of trial and need. Through the time we spend together I can honestly say that I find many of my greatest joys. And while I would never do him (or anyone) the injustice of comparing him to anyone else, I must say that the level of friendship I feel toward him is only comparable with my friendship with Allen. The bond we share is one which is deeply rooted in our spirits and my heart rejoices in the love we have for one another.
Unfortunately there is a negative side to all of this. Not on Chito�s part, but on my own. With as much joy that I find in the time we spend together, I find an increasing amount of sorrow. I find at times I begin to feel very alone. And with that comes a degree of sadness. Having all these wonderful qualities in a person I hold so dear reminds me that I have no one special to share my life with. No one to hold me when I�m down, no one to comfort my weariness and no one to love in that special way.
If things were different, as I admit I sometimes wished they were, I could easily fall in love with this beautifully spirited and handsome young man. For he has just about all the qualities I have ever hoped for in a soul mate. But I could never ask him or myself to be anything other than what we are. I care far too much about him to ever do such a thing. I learned that lesson when I came to terms with my feelings for Allen. I had fallen very much for him and wanted so much to be with him in every way. But through it all I searched for the Truth in our relationship and as much as I wanted to be with him, I saw no future in it. It may have been possible for a time but we would never have become such wonderful and caring friends as we are today. He too has nearly all of the qualities I hope for in a soul mate. And looking at the similarities I can�t help but feel a bit lonely from the reminders of those early times and days without God�s love. But it�s O.K. I know that I am loved. And I know that I know how to love others, for I do love my friends very much. I know it in the way I feel when I�m with them, and in the way our lives are shared.
I remember one night when Chito and Andy stayed over. Chito was sleeping on the bed with me and Andy on the floor. As I lay there before falling asleep I felt a warmth wash over me. I opened my eyes to see Chito watching me as I slept. He looked away and I just smiled and went back to sleep, for I too had done the same thing and pondered I�m sure many of the same things he did that night. Emotions can be strange things at times and may need some time to sort out and understand fully.
I find myself wondering if Chito really understands our relationship. I believe he does and he comes across as being very sure of himself. Some things do make me wonder if he might be a little bit confused though. Such as when we wrestle and those times we have slept in the same bed. But I think he knows that he can talk to me and I will always be completely honest with him and I also believe that he knows that I will always care very deeply for and be there for him should he ever need me. I certainly would never want him to feel that he couldn�t talk to me, because even if I don�t see his reasoning or even if I completely disagree with him on some point and even if he did something that might disappoint me, I will always love, accept and believe in him. I hope that he never doubts that. One thing I feel certain of, he is going to be a wonderful father some day. :-)
So again lord, thank you for the wisdom I have gained . Thank you for the abilities you have given me and especially thank you for all those that I love and have the honor of sharing my life with. Please watch over them and continue to help me be all that I can be.
~FIN
