Today was my day off and like any other day off I felt as though I wasted a large part of it. I did learn of an unknown facet of my character however. This I found completely fascinating, yet somewhat repulsive.
I remember many times praying to God to let me feel a real attraction to a woman. In this I meant a real, physical attraction. Something that would let me know that I could function in all ways as a husband and father. I expected to eventually find someone, feel attracted to her and not be repulsed by the thought of having sex with her. What I experienced was something totally unexpected.
It seems I was watching MTV when a song by Lita Ford came on. The name was �Kiss me deadly�. As I watched this video I found myself spellbound. To me, this woman appeared to be about 30-36, had a tattoo on her shoulder, and seemed to fit the bad-girl image. The type I would imagine as being least likely to fit the bill. But as she sang the song, her body motions, facial expressions and even her voice tone and style all seemed to join together with a message of deep desirable sensuality. Within a few moments I realized that my breathing and heart rate had quickened. I felt slightly warm and very captivated. I could not take my eyes off of her and for the very first time in my life I truly felt a great desire for a woman.*(See Below) This in itself scared me. I knew fully that the desire I was feeling was sinful and yet was so exhilarating that I could not bear to turn away. She acted, in my eyes, in such an animalistic way that excluded human inhibition and I viewed this as I would view two animals mating. As a natural event with a very instinctual drive behind it.
I remember a certain look that she gave and it held in her eyes an innocence or maybe a naivet�. This was a look that expressed a desire but yet showed no treachery or deceit. Giving a promise of fulfilling interaction. After the video was over I sat and thought of the new part of me I had discovered. I know now that I can have a relationship with a woman on all levels. I also know that my intellect has control over my instincts. God works in mysterious ways.
Fin.~
*Refer to journal entry #13 |
