I have considered many things these past few weeks. First of all, how much our environment molds us. My belief that our surroundings have a powerful impact on our lives seems to be justified with the examples of events in my own life. I look at myself now and the person I was a year ago and I see a difference. Mostly in the way of personal attitude. I find that my outlook on life now is not so positive as it was when I was back east. When I first arrived in California I carried that positive attitude with me. I had a fair amount of enthusiasm. But now, several months later, I have noticed that flame is now flickering. I look for the cause of it and realize that much of it is due to the same old feelings of stagnancy I left behind back in June of 1993. It seems as though things never change.
I know however that this is untrue and merely my own perception. For I look back far enough and I see the subtle changes. Especially concerning certain aspects with Alicia, Derek and Shannon. With the birth of Nikita Marie, my sister is on a new path of growth and understanding. I remember how she was a few years ago and I can see a noticeable change. While there still seems to be difficulty for her to assert herself and let go of the past, she has made some progress. This makes it much easier for me to communicate with her and now it�s not so bad being around her more often. I see in her a thirst for a better existence. Hopefully she will work toward accomplishing it.
Derek is moving on with his life and since he�s made the move from his mom�s, he has found that it wasn�t so bad or hard a decision after all. While he is still stubborn as ever, he too is growing. He is now seeing Melissa. A woman with a young daughter who is living at his mom�s. She is interesting to say the least.
As for Shannon, I cannot express how pleased I am with her and our relationship. I remember not long ago when she seemed like a little child looking for answers. Now, as I hear of her progress and learn of the person she is becoming, I feel as though she is now the teacher and I am the student. Our relationship brings me the most joy in this seemingly boring life. In a way she is an anchor for me. Her presence (and God�s) help to keep me sane. I could not have asked for a better or more wonderful friend.
Now for the part of my problems. I look into myself and find nearly all the same problems I had a year ago. The only real addition is the problem of my inability to resolve anything where my mother is concerned. I am almost sorry to say that I have given up. If I have any real love for her, I have yet to find it. I could write a number of pages explaining my feelings on the matter, but I will not waste the time. I will only say that I do not like the person I am when I am around her. All my friends have made remarks about the changes they see and I realize she brings out the worst in me. It carries over into the rest of my life. I thought it was just me who had a problem with her, but looking back, I see every member of our family having the most problems with her as well. Since I see no compromise with her I guess I can only wait until she leaves on the 30th. It�s a shame I won�t miss her.
~FIN
