When I left California, I knew that a time would come when I would feel some sorrow for things left behind. I miss my friends dearly. It didn�t hit me until the night before I left Virginia and realized that I would be leaving behind the last connection to that life. My dearest and most cherished blessing. Namely my friend for life, Allen. It was that night, after he and I talked, that all the doubts and all my fears were revealed. All at once I felt the insecurities of a lifetime come to reality. All of my planning and all of my intellectual knowledge could not and did not prepare me for the day when I would leave everything familiar behind. I suppose my parents help, but I never felt a real family bond with them as I have for my friends in California.
That night was the first time in many years that I truly felt like a lost little child. I went to Allen later that evening for support, but he wouldn�t speak to me. I remember feeling desperate and I all but begged him to talk to me if just for a while. But, I suppose he was tired. I went to my room there and cried. I felt abandoned. Finally after 3 hours, I fell asleep. Not long afterwards the alarm went off. I awoke with a heavy heart filled with sorrow and disappointment. Always striving to be there for other people when in need, I realized that this time there was no one there for me. Allen was there in the front yard as I sat on the steps and I could tell he wanted to say something. But like me, I guess the thought of saying goodbye was too much for him to bear. This of course is only speculation on my part as I cannot really read minds. But I left knowing that I did the right thing for myself. To find myself and God�s will for me I feel I had to do what I did.
Several times that day I cried again with only God�s strength to keep me whole. And I knew that it was his influence that gave me the strength to carry on through this life the last few years. I realized then that I had always analyzed every conceivable option or possibility to protect myself from getting hurt as I had done so many times before. But when it came right down to it, all my thinking and all of my insights could not shelter me from the pain and sorrow of leaving a world behind me. That frightened child inside of me won out. But I praise God�s holy name for being with me in my darkest hour when all others were gone. Again Jesus, I thank you.
~FIN
