I also have managed to pay ALL of my debts off. I can only accumulate funds now. But even with all the financial burdens gone, I cannot help but feel lost. The peace in my heart seems so vague and shadowed. I still find some glimmer of solace from my faith in God, but it seems so stunted. It is a strange lack of contentment that is so great that it is nearly more than I can bear. I can�t help but feel that I�m not where I should be or doing what I should be doing. The thought of doing what I�m doing now for the rest of my life makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I can�t think of anything, however, that would please me the rest of my life. I am missing something vital in my existence and I can�t seem to figure out just what it is.
I know, and am quite certain that it is not any sort of material thing. In fact, I often think how there is nothing I possess that couldn�t be replaced or discarded. Even the old letters and cards I keep have little real value, for it is the ideas and thoughts behind them that hold the True value. I think every day how much I wish things were different. I plan on moving soon, but I believe that it is only desired to occupy my thoughts until once again I am comfortable with my surroundings and have time to ponder the emptiness in my soul.
I ask myself if it is God I need to fill this hole. I thought he already had, but I just don�t know. Church and other people don�t seem to help and I fall asleep reading or listening to materials, Biblical or otherwise. And above all that I still have to deal with the feeling that maybe death isn�t such a wrong thought after all. Maybe it�s all just some strange reaction to the Lithium. Who knows? But for now, enough said. In the meantime, I will just try to make some sense of it all.
~FIN
