Last Thursday I was assigned to a young man in the eighth grade at one of the schools I have subbed at before. He is a wonderfully polite and thoughtful young man. The condition he has makes it difficult for him to walk and write but I don�t think I should say more than that. So I basically serve sometimes as his second set of hands. I am scheduled to be with him at least until May and probably will be with him until the end of this school year. If that happens then I will become a permanent employee and eligible for other benefits and a higher rate of pay. Should I be accepted for this then there is the possibility that I will follow this young man through his remaining scholastic years. This would be great since next year he will be going to high school which is very close to home.
I guess I feel good about this entire situation. I�m really not sure. I guess the permanence of the situation puts me off a little bit, but it also attracts me. It makes me wonder why it is that I seem to jump back and forth between the desire for stability and spontaneity. I usually just chalk it up to that strange combination of my Cancerian desire to nest and the gypsy blood which leads me to move around and want novelty. Ah well, I will just have to see how it goes. :-)
Thursday February 17th, 2005: A Shift of Perspective
Today I had the strangest experience. I was reading my book, �In search of Schrodinger�s cat�, during lunch in the teacher�s lounge and I began to �shift� into a very focused state of mind. Or perhaps it became the opposite as a disassociation from sense of self. I was reading a section of the book concerning the possibility of time travel and alternate dimensions when everything around me began to fade. I wasn�t aware of this fading however while it was occurring. It was sort of as if time had stopped for me, but not the world around me. Only upon looking back at it I can see that the room and the sounds in it sort of just �dampened�. Even the page I was reading grew dim as my very being seemed to let go of all worldly conventions. It was as though I was in a frame of being that I had known only a few times before. I say frame of being because it was as if my intellectual mind itself had shut down and I was nothing more that a presence. There were no thoughts, no emotions, simply an awareness of �being� in that moment.
For that brief moment nothing external existed for me, not even my own physical form. It was as if I had become once again the pure essence of existence which I knew from a previous experience titled �the great journey� elsewhere in this journal, only minus the fact of an external awareness of existence. In this state of being there was no sense of sorrow or joy, thought or imagination. There was just the simple serenity of pure being. A sense of eternity without mind, body or emotion. Looking back, I must admit I rather liked it and wished I could stay there.
It was while in this state of being where the world �turned off� that a voice drew me back to reality. I was on some level aware of the activity of the world around me, but it was merely like the softest whisper. Barely registering on my awareness. But then came a voice which broke through the serenity. �ANTHONY!�, I heard. I drifted back into the tangible world and everything came back into focus. It seemed everyone was staring at me as I got my bearings back. It only took a moment it seems, but apparently one of the teachers had been talking to me. He made a comment about me being really into my book. I recovered quickly and told them what I was reading about. They mentioned how I didn�t hear them talking to me. The conversation turned to a mirthful exchange however concerning humorous tidings and I rather enjoyed that too.
Strange it seems now that for a moment I slipped into the state of eternal existence and became my very soul in this environment. I would have really liked to have remained there. Free from all the trappings of a physical nature. How can I convey such a state of absolute serenity and lack of trivial concern? It was similar to the experience of existence in the presence of the very source of creation as in �the great journey�, only this time that source was found within and there was no journey which took place, just a simple shifting of perspective. If only I could do this at will. But then, if I could, I very much doubt that I would remain in this physical reality at all. I would most likely remain there as my body began to deteriorate and eventually die, freeing my very essence from those bonds. What would happen from there, who can say? But, I will find out some day. After all, I can�t live forever. :-)
Friday February 25th, 2005: Hidden Truths
Something strange is going on. Monday was a holiday so there was no school. As I got up on Tuesday and began getting ready, the phone rang. It was the woman from the answering service at the I.U. saying that my assignment was cancelled. She gave no specifics as to why, but mentioned something about an e-mail she received. She seemed a bit evasive or elusive, but I didn�t give it much more thought. Later that day I went online to see what was available in the future only to find that I was no longer in the system at AESOP. Of course my mind instantly set to looking for possibilities. I wondered to myself what it could be. Perhaps the assignment was a district position and not with the I.U. which might explain why I was taken out of the system, but I still sent my timesheet to the I.U. so perhaps not.
I called the answering service back and asked about the situation and the woman seemed oddly uncomfortable. Still no explanation, merely a statement that she doesn�t know anything and does what she�s told. She did inform me that the director of human resources would be giving me a call. I had heard however from a few sources that one could wait for quite a while in such cases so I decided to call the man myself. My first discussion with him was on Wednesday and he �seemed� not to know much about the situation. He made only vague references to having �gotten a call� and referred to an �incident�. It was as if he was being deliberately ambiguous and I had the distinct feeling I was being kept in the dark. Strange I thought, since just a week before, one of the supervisors met me at the school and felt the need to inform me that if I didn�t stick with this assignment I would have to be �cut loose�. I took no offense at his remark, chalking it up to the stresses he must face in order to fulfill the many needs of the I.U. Still, his remarks did seem a little unprofessional.
Now what on earth, I thought, could be the problem. Everything with the assignment was going well. I documented things well, took specific actions to address the child�s particular needs and began working on his problem areas with his teachers. So what could be the �incident� this man received a call about? I wondered if it had something to do with the student missing his bus, but that problem had been resolved as I took steps to ensure that issue not remain a problem. I thought it might even have something to do with this child constantly asking me about political concerns. But in that I only encouraged him to support his candidate fully, despite the fact that I supported a different candidate. The fact remains that I can see nothing in this particular assignment which would justify being terminated from it, for even three of the student�s teachers informed me that they thought I was doing an exceptional job. Despite all my ponderings however, I took the director�s word for it and was told that he was looking into the matter and that I could call him back Friday for further discussion.
I began wondering if the situation in fact had anything to do with this assignment at all. The thought occurred to me that perhaps the situation, detailed in December�s entry, concerning the young man at Shop N Save had been brought to their attention. This is merely supposition of course, but it would seem to address the sense of discomfort and subtle concern present. I can see how that situation, presented from an alarmist point of view and based on fear and assumption, could create the effects I find myself facing now. If this is the case, I wonder just how deep that fear and assumption can run. My intentions with the letter I wrote to that young man were meant to encourage and inspire him to recognize his potential. To offer a sense of admiration and appreciation of the positive attributes I believe him to possess, just as all the other letters I have written to so many. I have given such letters to friends and strangers alike, common folk as well as celebrities. December�s entries convey my intentions in that matter and my reasons for this practice. Until this last letter I had never had a negative response. The fact is that in every other case my intentions bore fruit to encourage and inspire. The letter I wrote to Oprah Winfrey apparently had such an effect that one of my favorite lines from my letter to her ended up in a commercial to promote her show years ago when I sent it to her. How and why this young man read into my letter different intentions than what I had in mind dismays me to no end.
There is another possibility I considered as well in this matter. When I met with one of the supervisors at the school he seemed amicable enough at first, but ended our discussion with the statement I mentioned above about sticking with the assignment or being cut loose. I did mention the conversation to a couple of the people I worked with there. I discussed it in the same fashion as I stated above, that it seemed uncalled for, but that I was not without a degree of understanding of the pressures the man faces. Though I don�t know the man, it is possible that this was brought to his attention and he felt some sense of hurt pride or bruised ego and out of this, decided to exact retaliation. This of course is only another possibility and thus far I have little to substantiate any theory on. The director seemed to guard very well against any specific information.
So, I called back today and spoke with the director as instructed. The moment I got on the phone with him he was at a loss for words. �I er um�..� was how the conversation began. Not what I would expect from the director of human resources. Again I was given only vague responses and ambiguous reasons. When pressed, he told me that �something� was lacking and that this �other person� was better suited to the assignment. He implied that my performance was inadequate in this assignment but that they would call me for other assignments when the need arose. So I asked him why I had been taken out of the system and could not access available assignments on the AESOP system. This was followed by many um�s and er�s and he stated that this was their prerogative. I voiced my concerns to him about my financial concerns and again pressed him for specific reasons for this course of action they had taken and still received no adequate explanation, I simply received more �run around�. The director seemed very eager to conclude the conversation and seemed to become a bit agitated, all the while avoiding specific answers to my queries. I informed him of my concerns that there was something I wasn�t being told as to why I was taken out of the AESOP system to which I got a response of �this is how we do things and that�s all I�m going to discuss on the matter�. He then said in essence, �don�t call us, we�ll call you.� and I left it at that.
So something unsaid is most assuredly going on here. To quote Shakespeare, �Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.� Something has definitely shaken up these people. Could it be the hurt pride of one man? Is it something I have yet to consider? I can�t imagine it as the simple fact of their possible awareness that I am an openly gay man. This fact has not been introduced in any way in my professional association with the I.U. And though I have met several other gay staff members throughout the district, this topic has never been present where students are concerned, save once at A.G. North. In that instance a student in the class I was subbing for asked me directly and respectfully if I was gay. He apparently knew my next door neighbor who was in his class last year and they had apparently talked about the fact of me being gay. And while I would have liked to have answered this student honestly I told him this: �I have no problem answering your question, XXXXX, but that is a subject which would not be appropriate in the school setting and something we should not discuss.� I then asked him if it really mattered anyway. Of course, I recognize that this in itself is a travesty. Why it is that this subject cannot be openly addressed in the school setting is a mystery. After all, it is a fact of life and if a student asks a straight teacher about their marriage and kids there is not the same avoidance. Teachers freely talk about their husbands/wives and children in classes that I have been in. It seems so very sad to me. But such is the cross I must bear I suppose of unfounded societal prejudice and fear.
So, what to do? Well, that�s sort of hard to figure, given the fact that those at the I.U. are being deliberately guarded in this matter. I suppose that I will have to do a little investigating and see if I can�t uncover a few things. I have a few resources at my disposal and I�m sure someone out there knows something they can tell me. Until such information is discovered, I will take nothing for granted and not base any decisions on mere supposition. I�m curious as to what I may find however. As it is I have no specific idea of what the issues may concern, only possibilities. I cannot find any area where I have failed to perform the duties of the job and I have in fact had many tell me throughout the districts I have worked in that they were impressed with my job performance. The strongest possibility, given so few facts, would seem that my troubles are based on discriminatory factors. I certainly hope this is not the case. I would find this very sad indeed and quite frankly, if this is the case, I feel that legal action would need to be pursued. Fortunately, my position of treasurer in the Morgantown PFLAG group has garnered association with several resource groups for such cases such as the Human Rights Campaign, Lambda legal defense and GLSEN. And while I have no such desire to pursue legal avenues, I will in no way �stand down� from such injustice if this is indeed found to be the reason for my present situation.
As I said, I do not yet know enough to pursue a particular course of action. Something IS going on though. But, I have faith that Truth will make itself known. If there is indeed some way that I have failed then I will gladly face that fact and learn and improve from it. If however, through no fault of my own, I am being judged unfairly then I will stand up for my rights and take whatever course I feel most appropriate. Whatever it is, my pursuit of it will, as always, be in the spirit of Truth, virtue and that which is right.
