Winter is coming. The weather is getting colder but we have yet to have our first snowstorm. There has been some freezing and it seems our little stretch of Indian summer is over. With the falling of the Autumn leaves comes that old familiar feeling of angst within me. Fall has always been my least favorite time of the year.
I guess that this ever present and low level angst is a remnant of my depression days. It is by no means so dominant as the depression which once plagued my earlier existence, but it is a constant annoyance in my psyche none the less. It�s like when you are thirsty and keep drinking, but nothing you consume seems to satisfy that thirst. So you just keep drinking, not feeling satisfied, until the dissatisfaction begins to eat at your sanity. In this case it manifests for me as a deep seated feeling that nothing is really worth it. That it�s all so very redundant and mundane. No challenges, no conquests, just the sense (like the song) of �I can�t get no satisfaction�.
This is the time of year I just want to lock myself away and hibernate until spring. I am still able to function adequately and accomplish the things that need done such as work, paying the bills, working in the yard and all that, but there is little sense of accomplishment that accompanies any of it. But I know that it will pass in time. It always does. I can see the pattern already. Last month my only entry was one which was a little bit lower on the emotional scale as this entry. That entry was all about my boredom level. But now I at least am up to angst which is showing at least a little bit of fighting against it instead of resignation to the circumstances and mundane events of daily life. But sometimes I find myself wishing that things would get beyond low level angst and shoot up to disgust or insuppressible intolerance of this lack of dissatisfaction in my life. Even though that would be emotionally tumultuous and nerve wracking, at least I might finally make a move to make a serious change and actually accomplish something worthwhile.
Oh well, that is what I deal with presently and thus far for the last few weeks. Perhaps it will last a few more weeks as well, but there are other things that I ponder during this period as well. Not that it is anything that I haven�t thought of before, but directing my thoughts in a positive light helps to alleviate those dissatisfactions. What I am talking about here is the exercising of my creativity as well as logic. Where creativity is concerned, I have been spending more time fantasizing alternate scenarios. I�m not talking sexual fantasy, but more like simple daydreaming. Such things as what it would be like to visit a foreign place or having super powers or the like. I watch Survivor and imagine what I would do in that situation, replaying the scenario I see on television and altering it to include myself as a participant. Things like that. This does not alleviate my angst for long, but does pass the time with something at least somewhat interesting to my mind.
Then of course is the exercising of logic to balance my mental state. I can�t live in a dream world and hence the application of logic is necessary too. I think and ponder such things as linguistics, natural sciences and my old favorite, Quantum Physics. I also study the Bible and have recently been looking at the original Greek and Hebrew texts (hence the aforementioned linguistics applications). That which I ponder tonight is nothing new. I have been trying to come up with common old phrases that are both popular and considered as words of wisdom. One of the main ones I have always challenged is this old saying: �Knowledge is Power�. Years ago I examined this one and came to the conclusion that this old adage is fraught with fallacy. I say this because knowledge in and of itself is actually nothing more than that. Simply knowledge. It does nothing for anyone unless that knowledge is actually applied to some end. Hence I would amend the old saying as following: �Knowledge is empowerment�. For until that knowledge is actually used to better someone�s situation it is simply potential power, or empowerment.
There are other such things I have pondered as well. Two of those old sayings are common but apparently contradict one another. Those are as follows: �The Truth hurts� and �The Truth shall set you free�. Since Truth is the very premise of my existence I have pondered these at length. I will simply sum these two up by adding the same principle to both. This principle is the acceptance and understanding of Truth. Where the first example may be amended to state that �The non-acceptance or misunderstanding of actual and absolute Truth may hurt�, and �The acceptance and understanding of actual and absolute Truth shall set you free�. When one understands and accepts all contributing mechanics of a situation at hand then knowledge is attained and empowerment is achieved thereby having the potential to allow an individual to change old patterns and better their lives. Through the acceptance of actual Truth one might feel regret or remorse from their own or other�s actions which is where the hurt stems from, but if they work to learn from the experience so not to repeat future transgressions then they can indeed learn from those old patterns and �be set free�. Sorrow and regret have a very real and necessary function in our existence as imperfect beings but can be utilized as a tool for growth toward betterment if not allowed to overcome our hearts and minds and become an impairment to future gains. It is simply little more than a matter of personal perspective or Personal Truth.
There is no doubt that the assemblage of language is tricky at best. It is sometimes difficult to implant intention and meaning into the words that are chosen to express ones thoughts. Often times people say or write things which do not adequately or fully encompass their complete meaning and therefore their words, whether spoken or written, may be taken out of context or misunderstood. No one I know is immune to this possibility. It is like the old game where a person at one end of a line passes on a phrase or quick story to the next person. Depending on the phrase shared the person at the end of the line might hear a completely different concept than initially intended. Or perhaps it will have some similarities, but noticeably taken out of context. Of course the more people that the story or phrase passes to, the more likely it is to change. This is a simple model of how myths and legends are born. Who knows what the actual story of such things as Vampires or Werewolves are. Perhaps they started with real events which changed over time due to exaggeration and dramatic flair. Of course with the passage of time come cultural changes which also contribute to misdirection or misunderstanding. As an example, I find it somewhat difficult to read and understand the works of the ancient Greek author Plato simply because I do not understand many of the things discussed then which had different cultural significance to them than to us today.
So anyway, this is this month thus far. And funny thing, I feel a bit alleviated at the moment. I began writing this and felt that angst and almost didn�t write this entry. But now, after exercising my mind and pondering just these things written I feel a bit��well serene. It may not last through tomorrow, but at least it is a moment of solace for now. And that is often how we must take things, one day or moment at a time.
Thursday November 13th, 2003: More Words for the Wise
As I stated in my last entry I have been pondering some of the old sayings and common phrases we hear. Another that I have been examining over the past few days is the old saying that �all things happen for a reason�. Upon considering this at length I think that it would be more accurate to say that �A reason can be found for all things that happen�. I say this, not out of pessimism or a belief that things are out of our control, but the opposite actually. Mostly it seems that when �bad� things happen, people tend to fall to the old saying to ease their troubled hearts and minds.
Often times when such things happen people feel they have no control and therefore place their faith in higher forces to cope with their grief or despair. In doing so they sometimes try to see any good that can come out of the situation because of their faith. In no way do I think this is a bad thing, I simply try to look at such things from an ultimate, realistic point of view in the spirit of absolute Truth. In my view I think that it is how it is meant to be. I don�t believe that God interferes in our lives to make bad things happen, but rather he allows our lives to run their course through our own devices and like a loving parent he is there to comfort us in times of need.
The fact is that so called bad things do happen. It is an inevitable fact of life. Do they happen for a reason? I don�t think so. I would sooner agree with the simpler phrase �Shit happens�. I think it is up to us to find any sense of reason in such events. The fact remains that sometimes when bad things happen it destroys individuals. They stress over it, make themselves sick and sometimes never recover and even die from their own troubles. I personally have known at least one occasion where this has happened. They find no sense of reason and only dwell in the misery of their loss until their resistance is severely strained. It is a state of mind and most certainly can affect one�s physical state. But just as often, usually after a period of grief, others put things into perspective and move on. And even in some of the worst case scenarios there are those who are able to look at their situation and find something to learn, something to help them grow as an individual and as a human being. Often they integrate their reasons and concepts into their lives to become founding and deep set beliefs.
So it can go either way. One can find reason in things that happen or simply dwell on the various aspects of an event and never grow from it. And this goes for both �good� and �bad� things. The same principles apply. It all boils down to a simple matter of personal perspective and our power of choice. So what will your choices be?
