I am sitting up late this evening contemplating my own mortality. I try to envision the direction my life is taking and I see very little progress. A stagnant pool. I feel that I know what to do but yet refrain from doing so. There is inner conflict, but conflict with what? Fear? Possibly the little comfort I have keeps me from taking chances. Perhaps it is laziness. I know of that hindrance. It causes me to put things off and to procrastinate. It is a hard changed trait. I tell myself �If only I could muster some motivation.� But what is it that I want? I feel what I believe to be my subconscious pulling me to act, but not giving direction where to turn. Is it time to move on? I feel more and more that the answer is yes. But what will I do? Where will I go? I can�t seem to find the right answer. All options I�m aware of seem to be about as bad as my present situation in some other respects. Is it only my own self that I battle? Not the environment? Is it some internal factor which needs to be addressed and not some external exposure? The answer I believe is yes and no. Yes there is conflict within myself that I must come to terms with, but also I feel the pressures of external influences hindering my development.
What will it take to push me to change my situation. Something subtle? Perhaps something drastic? This whole train of thought came about because I read an article about the HIV/AIDS situation. Realizing that I had a few more HIV symptoms than I would have liked forced me to face the possibilities. For a brief time I felt that my subconscious knew the answers, and I felt them to be very negative. Could this be what I meant by death in my talks with Allen? Death physically from a microscopic virus? Or is it not my inner selfs voice, but the devil�s cleverly disguised? Perhaps I should be tested and find out for sure. And if I do, am I really prepared as well as I believe myself to be? I suppose I will not know until the time comes. In the meantime I will pray.
Fin.~ |
