Very interesting���I woke up this morning and noticed something odd. But before I get to that let me explain what is going on which may account for it. It is of course a new year. And though I don�t really celebrate any holidays I usually try the new year�s resolution thing. So for the last couple days I have been exercising every morning after I get up. I also have been reading at least a little bit every day. I completely quit smoking those damn cigars (hopefully for good this time instead of just a few months) and I have been drinking more plain water and eating more organic foods. I have also been doing at least one thing every day that I would normally neglect.
So with these behavioral changes I have been noticing several physiological and psychological adjustments. First I can definitely feel the physical healing taking place. The fatigue and constant yawning is beginning to subside a bit as the toxins clear from all the junk and fried foods, smoke and lactic acid build up from inadequate exercise. It�s funny, I have been sleeping more and my body wants to sleep earlier than usual.
Then there is the matter of my mental activity. It�s sort of a dualistic phenomena that is occurring. First, I have been experiencing these serene moments. My mind is clearing a bit. An effect of the toxins clearing perhaps. It is usually accompanied by a body quieting as well. Not so much being tired, but more like being in a deep relaxed state. You know, like how you feel after you have soaked in a nice hot bath for an hour or so. The other part of the dualistic effect is the old mind race thing. Not my conscious mind, but that never ending hum of subconscious activity. The hum is so �loud� sometimes that I am inundated with random feelings, images and sounds that pop through into my conscious mind. I suppose I could equate it to being in a music store where there are many different types of music playing at the same time. But not whole songs, just clips. Of course, it�s also as if there is a bakery with many smells wafting by as well and many colors moving all around. All too much to look at one thing. This is the whirlwind of my subconscious. It is most prevalent when I am sleeping. It�s not that my sleep isn�t restful though. It�s just��active. It does rouse me from my sleep and I wake up many times during the night, but not into full consciousness. Only to where I know I am awake and tell myself to go back to sleep. Or so I thought��
This is where the weird stuff comes in. I remember clearly going to bed last night. I had just brought spooky in and shut out all the lights and got under the covers. I just knew that after she was done eating she would want back out and sure enough she hopped up onto the window sill and meowed to go out. I gave in and got up, deciding she could stay outside until morning since it has been relatively warm the last couple days. I then went back to bed and fell asleep. As with the last couple nights the old mind was moving at incredible speed. I was aware of rousing and going back to bed a few times when I woke up. Then, after using the restroom I went to sit in my chair and I �felt� that spooky was inside. I checked on the stand beside the door (behind the chair) and sure enough she was there. She stretched and licked herself and sort of purr meowed at me.
I knew I had let her out before going to sleep and so I tried to pull up the event of letting her back in. I have no conscious knowledge of it. Weird I thought. I looked at the towel in front of the door and it was flung aside as I normally do it when I open the door, but it was not replaced like I normally do. I find myself wondering how it all happened. Just to get spooky in the house when it�s nice outside is a real chore in itself. I usually have to lure her up to the porch and then pick her up and take her in. But perhaps she simply wanted in this time. In order to let her in I would have either had to lift up the sticky window in the bedroom and then close it, or I would have had to use both hands to simultaneously turn the knob on the front door and unlatch it with the other hand. Either way I had to be up and out of bed, moving around and not bumping into things.
Now I know I have slept walked in the past, but I never knew just how detailed my actions could be. I always imagined it was like stumbling around in a subconscious state. But obviously I had to conduct specific tasks requiring some sense of coordination. Perhaps it was not difficult since letting the cat in and opening the door is a common task for me. It does make me wonder just what else I do in my nightly exploits though, and just how often I do these things. It�s almost as if there is a whole other aspect of self that has some kind of control. Sort of like a split personality which is not aware of each aspect of itself. The thing is, I have felt for some time now that the other aspect of my awareness is more aware than I previously imagined. In fact, I think that it is my �other half� which is where my intuitions come from. You know, those things that you just �know�. And those strange flashes of insight and hunch which are oddly right with no other apparent way of knowing.
When I was young and used to sleepwalk, my mother told me I would do several strange and unusual things. She said I would have conversations with her (which I of course never recalled), and sometimes she swore I was speaking in other languages. One time in particular she swore I was speaking Chinese, but since she didn�t understand Chinese, it may just as well have been gibberish. Looking back now, I can see that this has always been a facet of myself which remains enigmatic to this day. There have been a few interesting events over the years however. Somewhere in previous journal entries I know I touch on them. The most interesting of them would be my lucid dreaming sessions, especially the one where my conscious self was aware of my dream self, which seemed to have a consciousness all it�s own. Then there are the times during college where I learned to suspend my consciousness between the sleep and awake phases. This had the effect (much like what I am experiencing now) of being aware or lucid of my physical surroundings but at the same time, experiencing dream sensations as well. Sort of like being in two places at once, or more specifically, experiencing two realities at once.
So what is that other part? Subconscious, id, soul, spirit or whatever you want to call it, there is something at work, that�s for sure. I just wonder sometimes, who is really in control? Or is there in fact, any control at all?
Monday, January 19th, 2004: Something on the Horizon???
You know, sometimes I feel as though I am going to go insane from this feeling of motion within my mind. It is still buzzing about as in the last entry. The part which drives me batty is that too much of it is just beyond my grasp of comprehension. It is as though I have a dozen thoughts at once and can�t focus on any of them. The thing is they are not structured like my conscious thoughts. Most often they are in the form of a simple sense of �knowing�. A quick sense of intuitive insight, but no definitive information. An example might be the few times a day when I can feel people looking at the back of my head when I am at work slicing meat or cheese with my back turned to them. You know the feeling. It is the same as when you are going down the freeway and you just �feel� that the person in the car next to you is staring at you. And sure enough, you look over and they quickly look away, or smile or something.
Sometimes I like to practice quieting my conscious mind and letting the images and feelings simply flow. I used to do it a lot in my Tracy, CA apartment. I remember laying on the couch and simply focusing on the things that passed through. They would usually just flip very quickly. I might see an image of a boat, followed by the smell of rain, then hearing some words of Spanish (which I recognize as Spanish, but couldn�t translate), and on like that. I wonder if it is internal neurons firing old memories, external factors impacting somehow on my mind, plain old imagination or some form of mental illness. :-)
Lately (and in fact a recurring theme) I have been having the feeling that something is going to happen or could happen. Sort of like a premonition of something on a grand scale. I have felt this often throughout my life and it is sort of like a �destiny� type thing. I quote that because I don�t think I really believe in destiny per say. It is what drives me nutty. In the past it has always been a feeling of anticipation which never comes to pass. But I must wonder if there is something to it. For you see, these feelings and free flowing thoughts come from the same place all the so called �psychic� experiences have come from. It is the same source that �knew� that there was something watching Brian and I on our hike in Marin, despite the fact we stared right at the camouflaged deer and did not see it until we pulled out his binoculars. It�s the same source that spits out information while in casual conversation with people that makes them say �I was just thinking that�. It is the same source that gave me information about Gettysburg (little round top) in my remote viewing session with Drew as covered in a previous journal entry.
I don�t know. Maybe I simply AM insane. Or maybe it IS some connection with God and the universe which allows access to information outside of �self�. Perhaps it�s a little of both. Whatever it is, it is not the same as that which I know as consciousness. It creeps into the awareness of consciousness. It is in fact an awareness in and of itself. Perhaps it is that eternal part of my being which I call spirit. Whatever the case it is real to me and an almost constant presence. I like to believe it is my true being which is at one with all creation, but this mind does not know. And it is this mind that is writing this and playing this guessing game. It is the insanity of trying to puzzle it out that keeps this mind interested and from getting completely bored. Oh well, I have spiraled down now into practical babble so I guess that will be all for now.
