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You may begin to see a pattern, because pretty much all these poems- unless specified otherwise - were writen for a Creative Writing class I took my Sophmore year of high school. This one would be the infamous "Bitterness Poem". It held a lot of resentment in me at the time, I guess that's why I wrote it in the first place. But to clear up an all too often misconception, this poem is basically a metaphor. A metaphor with reality woven in. The boy was real. The relationship happened. As innocent as it was, it still happened. Lasted some time. That's all true and how I described him. It's about my first love...that wasn't a celebrity, haha. But my first true and actual love when I was young and niave. We were both young, and basically promised each other forever in our small little childish ways. I know I keep refering to the fact that we were young, because we were....when we first came in contact with each other I was...wait lemme see...it was the summer I was 12. He was older, not by much...just...oh say...3 years! *LOL* So, I was 12 and he 15, even though he thought I was 13 - I thought that made me all that much older, more mature and all even though I was only fibbing and jumping the gun by somewhere between 5 and 6 months. We never really talked of matrimony (Thank God!), but there were big steps. Um, like he made us a website. Think like a pre-teen people,then you'll get it! *LOL* Ah, that website....it was our cute little way of expressing our love through words and graffics...and he once even wrote all these sweet pick-up lines. I even remember one! No wait, two! "You're father was a theif. He stole all the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes." and I don't remember which variation it was because there are so many of this one, but Ima wing it, "Was it a long fall from heaven?" No, that wasn't it...but you know the one I'm talking about...the whole long fall from heaven cos you're an angel. But then the website was a battle ground. Oooh, it was ugly, and it got vulgar. At one point we didn't even talk to each other, just faught it out on the site. I find it really funny now. Anyway, I'm really side tracked again. The actual diamond ring does exist, yet he wasn't the one who gave it to me. In actuality, it's old, it was my mother's when she was a girl. I found it during the time he and I were together, and it began to have sentimental value tied to him. Odd, I know. Then in the time after our break up, I used it as a safety net...being too old for binkies by that time. *LOL* Ya know that whole innocence, safty, and calm you feel during your first love? Well that ring with those aspects tied to it, helped me through some rough times and woes, until I didn't need it anymore. But there was a drawback to it, with that ring, I was still tied to him. All my love, everything, still his. And this was bad, because it prevented me from moving on fully. Like I'd be with my boyfriend, and we'd be kissing or whatever, then I'd notice the ring or they'd ask about it...and I'd feel like I was cheating. Or when I'd admit my feelings or we'd talk about stuff involving ourselves or whatever....I felt like I was lying, even though I was it. And it developed into a problem and dilemma I still posses. A problem with commitment. Commitment, is something I really want, so don't get me wrong, and it sounds like no big deal to me. But when it comes down to it I get scared, and...and well tend to run away and stick my head in the ground like an ostrich or do something stupid purposful, yet as an unconcious act so they'll leave me. But in those instances when get to the point when the casual relationship gets serious, or the serious relationship the second point of commitment (saying that I already got past the 1st) and I'd get scared and break it off...I would usually come back in a very short time frame - between a few days in a few weeks. That would happen once a twice and then it was hit the road, either way, the guy or I.I dunno, maybe my ex who the poem is about will get a bit of glee to know that he's partially the cause for this syndrome, malfuntion or whatever it is that I have. Or maybe he'll be sad or who knows. I know I don't..........I spoke to him about 2 almost 3 years ago, I miraculously caught him online one night. We spoke ever so briefly, and then he got silent and abruptly left without a word. It's not like I hadn't heard news of him in the 2 year time frame from our break up to when I spoke to him. Little tid bits, from people he knew and I was aquainted with....but who can be sure. For all I know, the people I knew as his mates, well of those that I did know, couldn have just been him using another name. It doesn't matter now, because I have the feeling that where ever he is or whatever he is doing in his life, he is moderatly happy. Yet, there is the feeling that something saddens him greatly and brings him down, something from the past.....I've had these feelings, or vibes, or whatever you want to call them about him for years. I have others about him, but I'm not crazy. I just have de' ja vu' often enough to make my head spin, and prohetial dreams more often than random or release dreams, when I can remember them and have an amatur form of esp, I'm told, and have come to know from my own research which I have done. Most people have these things, but don't come clean about it to other for fear of being shunned, teased, or being labeled a lunetic. But me, I couldn't care the least. Over the years I've come to understand and believe that....people can shove it, I am who I am, and there is no changing that. And as always I've veered totally from the point of things, so that means it's time to end because I think I've already explained this poem in my own warped way. :P |
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