Convincing Lie
I don't care that you asked her
It doesn't matter that you only kiss me drunkenly
I don't mind the days I don't talk to you
Your roommate's presence doesn't bother me
I am not affected by your voice when you apologize
Your opinion is not important
I don't miss your attitude
Your arms don't feel perfect around my sleeping body
I don't believe what you tell me
I refuse to wear lipstick for you
I never wait for your call
I don't have feelings for you
April 12, 1999

Crazy
Crazy
wow. I wanted you to be here with me, watching words swim and colors mesh into each other
I can't decide if I want food or sleep or you
And from somewhere that just came
None of this seems poetic
Listless again, or does that give too much away?
And for the first time I'm feeling the keys beneath my fingers
Why do I always want things to get over?
Why do I not ponder them and savor them
Now-and it's gone

If I don't write these things down they will be erased by tomorrow
Nov. 2000

Death
Escape from the talons
of the predator
claws tear flesh from bone
but it flees
panic stricken gait
ground like a treadmill
still pressing on
and still it gains
closer, closer
the talons will sink in again
and a body falls to the ground
Jan. 1996

Destinations
Road leading nowhere
Comes from nothing
never ending, without beginning
the journey onward goes.
Suddenly something's changing
You are near-- holding my wonder dear
And I wander-- not away but closer
expecting nothing, but wanting all
the ties unbinding as slowly I fall
I realize your presence and long for your warmth
I know where I'm falling-- still to scared to admit
Your jumbled thoughts poured out on paper
awkwardly I sit-- and what do you fear?
We're falling together, yet is that how we'll land?
Seems like forever, do you understand?
I think all the time, my heart longs for you.
And what do I say? That confusion's fun...
But I wonder all the time-- are you the one?
Already knowing the answer
Still from each other we run
Stop holding back, I can't let my self free
the past has padlocked my heart
my only dream is that you hold the key.
Oct. 29, 1995

Dream of the Pyro
Smoke cuts holes through
unsuspecting blue-soaked sky
and i'm happy

fire licks clean old
brown boards
and i smile

soot-black nails in
rotting wood glow orange moonbeans
and i laugh

splinters of filthy windowpane
shatter crackling silence
and my heart soars

the baby's cry
and i shiver
Aug. 1995

Dreams
the cold steel slides down my back
i cringe slowly away to wait for attack
he grips my arm to pull me near
i feel the sweat from my temples run down
to pull away is my death-thought fear
my chest pounds out of my ribs
Jan. 1997

Empty Suitcase
I'm suffocating as I'm sitting here
And she just walked upstairs to find
You because you called to her.
I want you to call to me and not
Leave the country or my heart
Behind because a part of me
Really likes the dislocating spiral
Your desperate, deliberate, difficulty
Sent me down. Without warning
And after denial and before I
Could disagree or displace it all
And now its gone anyway. I felt
It last night, and the day before.
Usually that's what happens when
There was nothing there to begin with
Except for lust and loneliness.
Dec. 15, 99

Engagement
Retched, torn
Rend heart from base
Drive in the news to my aorta
Ring on her finger-out of my
Life, leave me now
Left long before, finalize
The direction we have taken
Believe now, understand, awaken
Lustful breath toward the
Ceremony where you take her
Hand, take my heart
Adorn hers, crush mine
Canker my wishes of us whittled
To friendship I pine
Cancer of the love I have for you
Your response dies as it grows
Pipedream where we are what
We were
Invite your future life with an
Invitation to me
Please
July 25, 2001

eXceed eXpectation X
I didn't expect an embrace.
Faces close and moonlit through
Cheap blinds.
Suffering from streetlights, urban clutch
Your roll toward me with shy confidence,
Formed from previous intoxicated
Phone call when I wanted you and
Your lips.
Grasp my shoulder, my neck
Pull me closer where I feel your breath,
And want and strength.
Intelligent caress: surprise me with your
Warmth, intent
Lull me with your brief sigh as our lips
Meet but brush apart.
More tension than can be contained in
A kiss.
Drag your lips across mine once more
Lose control and press them and
Your body to mine.
Fade into your solvent of indecisive
Jerking advances.
We both want what we can have
And that is the problem.
Our lips meet again, searching, finding
Nothing more than themselves and
The other, and wanting the other
More than life.
Sex through breath, and intercourse
In the movement of our clothed
Hips, while our lips meld and wane.
I want so much that so little is too
Much.
Convulse back to passionate press
Of mouths to satisfy a small part
Of the bottomless pool begun by
Your kiss.
Nov. 27, 2001

Faces
Are they all avoiding controversy just as I seek it?
Do those taking medicines for their fears of others
Want to offer me some so I'll break away?
I chose to surround myself with more like you.
I need them to be me. Wondering where I hope to
Attend the new lives I've created for each of you.
Tomorrow your nose will be different,
Tomorrow
Your father will create a new you because you haven't
Done it yet. Faced with a choice, would you make
This one? With no choice, I know I would. Your
School picture stares happily, blankly at my face as
I type, and I visualize the new you, the improved you,
As I wish I could improve myself. The easy way out.
This is as everything is. Money and opportunity. Never
Inspiration or drive, you don't need those things to
Become better between everyone crowded around.
What will they believe at school? What do you want
Them to believe, and how can I follow?
Dec. 17, 1999

First Date
Far more interesting than my homeless heart
I'll meet you tomorrow night
I hope I like you
We'll listen to jazz
and dance with your arm around my waist
and your hand on my hip
wispering the lyrics in my ear
murmuring painful memories one day because you trust me
I hope it is not overcast
the moon will spill on us through your windshield
We'll watch star-beams on the tall grass of the field
Far more interesting than a normal monday night
Your fingers and the leaf-rustling breeze in my hair
phone call to ask my thoughts at 3:00 am on Thursday
Intriguing high hopes for the first meeting
Far more interesting than my last blind date
April 12, 1999

First Time
Primal and arcane
Thoroughly thick and damp
Articulate with rough fingertips
Beads form on your forehead
Melt away
Your eyelashes savor my cheek
With a brief sigh.
The palm of your hand haunts me,
Hard against my pelvis, softer
Against my ribs.
My mouth deceptively grazes your
Jaw.
Erratic, lurching, fearful, searching
Fingernails in my hair, trail my
Veins lower to spine.
Resting there I release to catch your
Pupils study my lips.
And for the first time yours meet mine
Your palm presses my neck, arched
Toward yours.
Primal and arcane
The incense of your body
The radiance of this kiss.
Nov. 20, 2001

For J
Blatantly imagine the turn you could have taken
purposely compose those pictures in your mind
I cannot forget the places I have traveled
you are very lucky that you can leave those thoughts behind

Once upon a long-lost time I tried to please the crowd
but they never noticed I was there
You had hoped that things would work out differently than this
now somehow you've learned how not to care

That night is gone and I've gone away
You're just a thought- I didn't ask you to stay
and I'm thinking about later on...
I don't care what happened yesterday
no regrets...

Now you're older and seem colder than you treated me
The sands of time fall faster than you do
I have seen you stumble and grasp for surrounding air
Just another memory to forget to you.

That night is gone and I've gone away
You're just a thought - didn't ask you to stay
and I'm thinking about later on...
I don't care what happened yesterday
no regrets...

Think back to the time, do you want to move on?
My strength comes from today and not from yesterday...

That night is gone and I've gone away
You're just a thought - didn't ask you to stay
and I'm thinking about later on...
I don't care what happened yesterday
no regrets...

I'm not going back, my throne is right here waiting
the King of my own world I plan to be
Do I miss the past as much as I miss summer?
Without the winter chill my soul is free.
July 7, 1998

Forced Poetry
Arcane glimpse of future
Without present pain
I hid it all away. First physical remnants of hope, memory
Then memories of memory and hopes of hope
You returned. Eyes smirking, see through every inch of me
The me who changed returned. Eyes watering with recognition
New, old emotion with hi. Search smirking eyes for more
Than conquest. Chicks on the weekends. Me.
You force me into poetry. Succinct words to mask garbled
Considerations.

I told you about it when we walked to the car.
I only write unhappily.
July 23, 2001

Friends
the cigarette burns a hole
through the styrofoam plate.
they aren't made for ashtrays,
she tells me
but why should I care?
it's her table
in her house
it's almost out anyway
you can't smoke the filter
I feel happy,
but maybe it's the nicotine buzz
her fingernails are red
I wish mine were,
but mine are too short
and my fingers too stubby
so i change the conversation
to motorcycles
because mine is brand new
and instead she can be jealous.
Nov. 1995

Goodbye.
my body feels this strange warmth right now...
the kind you feel when you know someone is staring at you
even though i know you aren't behind me
this calm has come over me
as if i could burst and everything would just gush out
but maybe that can't happen without an audience...
why would one cry except because someone is watching?
that's how i feel sometimes...
as if it would be a waste to show emotion
to no one
i think i'm sinking into the cushion of my chair
i can't feel anything around me anymore except this chair
and my heartbeat
detached and restless, not like this calm cradling me
i hope i break simply to wash you away
dammit. why don't i want to release you?
this is my dead end where you left me
Aug 21, 1998

Goslings
Power failure over something less
Personal failure in the wild
Mother and father herd them to the water
They only drink when told
Water's clear, manmade
The bugs ignore, skirt the shade
Skim the water to the mother and father
Who entertain better than computer could
That's what I want
In the shade
In the wild where goose families laid
Between the cracks, away from work, getting paid
Incognito, brandishing facts
To scratch on glass with refined detail
Burned blistered by mellow April sun of disappointment
April 15, 2001

Hand
I thought that mothers hold their children
my mother's hand should be in mine
because she is my mother
but her hand doesn't hold me
or my hand
it slaps my face with the force of her
anger and alcohol behind it
but i don't blame her
nor myself because i know it is her way
may it never become my way
i hear her angered voice on the phone that
she holds in that hand
her anger directed toward the world
not her boyfriend
and not even toward me, but i am here now
we need each other in love and life
in a way i am hers just as she is mine
her hand is mine also
at least a part of me and what i will become
maybe more what i promise never
to replay
July 15, 1998

Hiding
the mask serves its purpose
after the shimmering stars
explode the night air
the mask is useful
to cover regretful words
in the depth of the page
the mask cannot be seen
but results are there
they still don't know everything
or anything
the mask is big or small
but it continuously changes- fittingly
the mask hides
it helps change
not in the plane of discovery
but despair
the mask hinders
it hides change
not in the act of kindness
but fear
April 1996

Home
Muffled cries fade into silence,
an occasional whimper
breaks the peace.
The darkness closes slowly
around the child
curled in the corner
clutching her knees.

On the sofa lies her mother
passed out cold
with no regret,
punishment issued mercilessly
when drunken expectations
had not been met.

At school the next day
she bears a bandage
to mask the result
of broken home,
searches for someone
to feel her sorrow.
Why must she feel so alone?

She has no choice,
another secret
must be kept
within her heart.
She watches from
the outside as
within she's torn apart.

Hospital
Decapitation seems a fitting thing for a day like today
Children without a mother and a guy without a finger
And that bitch tells me he needs to grow up-
No, you need some compassion, lady, a heart transplant
At least you took his blood pressure to tell us everything we already know
Sorry, Karen Davis is no longer here, she left hours ago
Like he did last night
And just like his dad in a lawsuit over this same shit
I'm bored or angry or enlightened
I should hurt myself to gain full access
Preying on the injured and unhappy- at least now you have a pamphlet
And I'm directly cut off from the world in this bomb shelter of suffering
I'm still hungry
March 5, 2000

How Could You Ask Me That?
i just woke up to the smell of you
although i found nothing with your scent
it haunts my nights because i wish
i was holding you

despite the fact that it is 3:29 am
and exhaustion is fighting my senses,
it is overcome by thoughts of tomorrow,
missing you, the empty room down the hall,
and your warm lips

seeing you was my reason to get out
of bed every morning
and this morning, i am afraid because
waking up will mean you are leaving me

strange how i dread the very hour i look
forward to because i will hold you again
knowing it is closer to the end
i pray that it is also a beginning

you have been so much more to me than
a boyfriend or lover or soulmate
you have become my best friend
and i will always love you for that as much
or more than i love you because you are part of me

i don't know how to say goodbye to you
i don't believe (or don't want to believe)
that it will be goodbye, but rather,
a physical separation that cannot keep me from your warmth.

your song touched me much like all of your songs do
and much like your fingertips and lips do
thank you for us-- what we were and what we will be
i will never forget, i will never regret, and i will
never lose that piece of you
Aug 14, 1998

Hunger
I'm remembering the third year
My third summer
Another third summer after the beginning
But I ponder why this should repeat
Fear of sustenance
Of myself
Of others
Especially the good ones
The kind ones who care
The kind who watch me
Dissevering their glare

pondering three

acceptable because I don't affect anyone but myself
sell my face on the market of Saturday night
hiding everything else
fake identity and fake pride
counterfeit smile to feign content
jokes to set aside
the doubt and the anger
laced with smeared mascara
and an elbow in the cheek

pondering the third
July 28, 1999

I Do
Flawed, like the half carat he nudged toward me
In the restaurant across town
And blistered like the woman's collagen-swollen lips
At the salon that painted my nails
With a French manicure and fake expense,
I found my future.
My dress from Penny's where I splurged on plastic pearls
For my hungry neck.
I'll walk down the aisle to him,
The cheapest example of true love.
May 21, 2001

Insignificance
lowly am I
when i gaze to the sky
and falling stars are before me

how shall I care
for this burden I bear
while the rain soaks dampest right through me

small are my deeds
on which based are greed
and what I have written shears me free
June 1996

Jerk
You need to stop talking
you only upset me and push me farther
you're not a jerk
but i want to believe that you are
it would be easier
i need to stop listening
would you notice?
if i blocked you out, you could
do no more damage to me
to yourself or my opinion of you
You need to stop talking
maybe then i would miss you and
remember how much you really
mean to me
because you're not a jerk
July 15, 1998

Judgment
Wisely, I am not the world's whore.
Therefore, I am not yours.
Sometimes I wish you were no longer here anymore,
you might revel in the freedom.
When I reach the end of the corridor,
you may not be there.
Dangerously, I would miss you.
Others know what is best for me.
I ponder their omnipotence.
Usually, I long to agree,
however, you are wrong.
When darkness falls on the moment of truth,
I measure by my judgment.
Written as if all were aloof,
I push you out of my mind with words.
Laying on my resting place of thorns,
I roll over to your likeness.
From the world my heart has been torn,
Therefore, I am not yours.
July 1, 1998

Leave me alone.
No one, nowhere-
that's how I've been left
no belief, without fail
and two to four to six falls away
escape the same as life or death
I don't care, you don't matter
I won't, and you come home
soon I stop, but you go on
far and away and distant, but closer
I feel nothing, although I'm being crushed
ringing disturbs the flow rushing by
silence, hopeful- needing freedom sense
the thickness around growing more dense...
perpetual strengthened, clock ticking lengthened
I want to jump, but the ground falls away
The clouds are swirling through ramped stomping
stars falling burn the night sky with acid tainted worth!
I stop.
I watch, and burn as the sky, black bright stain
Never gone, never empty gesture
I don't believe...
Away, go away.
Jan. 23, 1997

Life, Loss, Hope and Nothing
Once, before the sunrise,
I sent pieces of myself away.
Away over the star-spun sky,
into blackness and nothing,
far beyond.
My soul could escape then,
through the ruptured folds.
I watched my mists as they faded,
trying to grasp at shimmering Life,
Loss on his heels.
I paraded my might,
poised the image about myself,
forgot all undercurrent,
but yet I taxed taut Hope,
and broke her.
Out in that blackness,
they weave together,
each alone, derive strength
from each other.
And I watch, to pretend
I see, though Nothing-
with his piercing eyes is here.
Only him I see.
Nov. 22, 1996

Listless
Self worth is based upon them, bright eyes, grinning thoughts
He held my hand and I held on without question or loosening
He read and watched me for reactions, but none came
I was scared to admit that these thoughts were mine
Released before forethought so I couldn't push them under
He intoxicates me and confuses and describes sordid thoughts
I study the whims that he murmurs and question my own
Next he will disagree and I will transform for him
Although I believe everything I will to occur next is worthy
To where did my faith in groundwork retire?
I put forth such obscene amounts without reward
I trust he will come forth to praise the effort
Even if he does not know it is mine
Sept. 28, 1999

Lost
Search for the solution
but can't remember the problem
the wisps of memory float by.
Hope is swallowed by despair
and dreams swirl into fantasies
never to come true
cheeks wet
with the results of emotion
eyes hidden from view
And the crumpled letters
that once meant living
slowly die forgotten in the bottom
of the drawer.

Lovely
my thoughts for you are chaos
my heart believes them more than any truth
the nonsense that fills my head
aching skull from memory loss
emptiness of my brain- just short of insane
and i love it
I'm reaching for my multi-colored recollections
floating in too many directions
knowing i'll lose some forever- wondering if i'll miss them
oh stars please tell me i'll never- have to miss you
but i already do
I'm waiting for my spirit to crush my soul
the weight of your purpose equaling my goal
while we anticipate, pre-meditate
is it your intention to procrastinate?
i refuse to blame fate
this ringing in my ears, now one else hears
penetrating my heart, complicating my mind
i'm not complaining, simply explaining
i'm only sorry it doesn't make sense
it's just too immense
within my understanding i linger
wanting to leave its safety- like dense fog
in the darkness i grope, suddenly grasping your fingers
into the sunlight you pull me near
i long forever to stay right here
Oct. 29, 1995

Lyrics
You are worth my time
and my worry
i have decided
i do not know if i am worth yours
you consume my thoughts regardless
my car is broken down on the shoulder
of the highway
i would rather rest on your shoulder
but you are not with me
leaning my head back,
i envision your visage
your smile,
and bob of your head when happy
sitting in the car
i imagine you in the hallway
on the floor
playing for me
your lyrics fill my head
i want to hear your music also
i turn the radio dial
but it is silent unlike my
dreams of us
July 15, 1998

Mind Time
Ticking quieted,
Harsh time has stopped.
Inspiration lessened
As the balloon, fear, popped.

Sensation maximized
Unless hands are forgotten.
Moving circular
Against those who fought an

Enemy of the mental
Projection of me.
Without who I hope
To sufferers set free.

The possibility possible,
With loss lost.
I may want Time back
Despite the pain cost.
Feb. 29, 2000

Moisture
I hear midnight,
calling withered roses-
dusty, black now.
The pink ribbon their noose.
Strongest upside-down
All becomes brown;
sometimes black.
Never red, never yellow.
These are beginnings,
only to fade- dull lustre away.
Thick, pungent, moist the petals
breathe.
Speak? For conscience.
For me. Even if only
within my heart.
The breath is my spirit,
and dry the changing wind.
Nov. 22, 1996

Morning Before Work
Rusty showerhead pouring liquid over my frame,
Singing while restless soul rinses away.
Pull back the mildewed curtain; press your lips to mine.
Powerful shadows follow your decay.
Green walls of the downtown apartment shadowed by you.
Please peel away your walls like the paint
peeling on mine litters the brown burbur
Cotton towel hides my body from your modest glance
barefoot tread toward you in your worn armchair
curl myself in the beam of pale morning light which shines
on your lap through faded draperies
Envisioning our future, devoid of well-worn fibers
Late for work, ignoring the time, cherishing your cheap cologne,
loving you although your aspiration has lost stimulation.
July 24, 1998

Mother's Clock
She looks at me and
I imagine to myself
What she expects of me
this time, sand
it falls slowly marking
the passing of time.
It's time
time to do my homework,
Or time,
time to dust the old
Living room chest we use as
a coffee table,
and time,
time to practice my piano,
Someday I will get a scholarship
I'm imagining that too.
I know she thinks it.
And I know,
I'm sure, it means more to her than me
But it's my life,
and her time.
My watch says it's now
Hers is fast by a few years.
Nov. 1995

Music
I was lost. Hopelessly
lost. The forest in the setting sun
had looked beautiful and
colorful.
The leaves falling and rustling
orange, yellow and red.
But night had fallen fast, and
now in the moonless night
I couldn't make out my
surroundings. I was sure
I had been stumbling and groping
about for an eternity, but
it was suddenly apparent to me
that the trees and foliage
I had been encountering
were no longer inhibiting my
path.

I concluded that I wasn't in a forest
but an open field. The overcast sky
could not aid my vision. Then,
in the distance, I saw it: a small flame,
a flicker!
In my excitement
I ran toward it stumbling. Now
I heard something, a low
moan, but it was rhythmic, almost
melodious.

I stopped-- listening, watching. The light
was a fire. I crept closer, my eyes
intent upon the flame.
Then I noticed the shadows
dancing about me. I was not close
enough to see that these
shadows were made by stone columns
connected at the top by another stone
slab.

These were fixed in a circle around the
fire. The moaning had gotten
much louder and I looked around. Opposite
me, across the fire was a forest, that
is where the sound came from.
Then a figure emerged, then another
and yet another. I hid behind a pillar
to observe. Slowly a procession of robed
and hooded men entered the circle, four
of them carrying a large ragged
bundle.

As they chanted they
lifted it, higher, higher
over the fire. The chanting
stopped suddenly as they released it and
it caught the flame. Then the odor
hit me. Like
nothing I have ever smelled.
It made me ill. I started to gag. Then
a hooded man turned
toward me.
Even though I was fully in shadow
I felt he was looking right at me. Then I saw
his eyes--
red, glowing.
Those eyes sent a tremor of terror
through me.

I
was
suddenly
running, stumbling,
groping and then falling. My
head hit a hard, sharp object and all was
black.
1995

New
All summer long I reveled in my well-thought new heart
not sure of your intention but I wanted the truth
I trust this lack of confidence as I trust you
This is how things begin.

Without anyone, I feel lost. Maybe just lonely.
Distraction good enough for awhile
Now distracted from my distraction, my heart confused.
Bring me back to that place of freedom and trust.
Naivete.
July 30, 1998

Next Steps
Searching the clouded terrain below,
I distinguish myself from brush and stone.
Not certain how I hover,
As I sit atop this damp, powderful throne,
And watch.

Your back to my retreat from single
Pieces of the demise I promised to bear
From ruin. From which I start to
Recall those times I left and ran from there:
From you.

Firesmoke lingering outside its warmth; diving
My soul into that pond so bright
With starblaze. I anticipated your appreciation-
The sole affection of poets' sight,
Which I envy.

Below me, I tread away and remember that day
When you mattered so much,
I could not stay upon your bed so close
To your breath, your insults, your touch,
Without them really.

A strange thing to encounter yourself doing,
When one is not himself at all.
But knows his own mind; for where other
Is my own mind but within ME as I fall
Back to my body.

We, as we shall be, apart no matter
How often we're together.
It shows no bounds, this fissure I've created
That girl walking away, If you'd let her,
would come back.
Nov. 4, 1999

Ninety-Nine Cent Faith
Burlap memories of us
Wrap that candle in 99 cent
Paper towel.
Tread heavily
And drop into the crate
I'll stay
I reach for your wrist and
Tell you I'll stay
But you won't

Best myself with bottles
Unopened. Open them not
To face base circumstance.
Recognition of saints
I was once your icon
But all those devout have more
Than one, don't they?

Godliness
Holiness
Cleanliness of our bedroom
Kept that way for you

Holiness
Cleanliness
Sparseness of my bedroom
This way without you
Vacant, steadfast in my love.
Nov. 29, 2001

Old Friends
Blonde for them with sunlight
Brunette beneath awaiting closure
Exchange internecine smiles
Shrink from lese-mageste exposure

My mind, lost in hair, fraught with rare
Thoughts of our past where you cried
Touching my lips with fingertips
For comfort before your soul died.

I awaited your return. Did you know?
I carried great concern. Then I forgot
Those tears and lips and hair with blonde.
I became you, or your memory brought
from my past.

Aug. 18, 2000

On Thin Ice
Only star-fire can find me
this is where I sit
Again I dream alone
And my world keeps going
I can't hear it
but I hear you
your voice still loud
although you aren't here
the air vibrates
sound waves pound my veins
here, the artificial heartbeat
and a groan escapes
Wild the beat
your figure illuminated
a silhouette
or is it the mist?
Far I reach
so I touch the sand
and hold it dear
as it sifts away
you are the sand
as the wind pulls it from me
May 1996

One Afternoon
His wavy, wet hair hangs in his
Huge brown eyes
and I ask him, "Why does it rain?"
He doesn't have an answer
but the tilt of his head is enough
The corners of my mouth turn up
as he kicks out
Making the creaking porch swing
jerk backwards and up into the misty air
And I start to wonder
why I feel so enchanted
on such a dim, damp day
so I lean over
and brush the brown tangles
from his face.
Sept. 8, 1995

Operation

Yesterday she made an incision
Under the soft breast tissue, between two
Slight ribs, into the aorta
Twisted it there to experience the searing
Anxiety with the rush of blood loss and power
Accepted the pain like tattoos with
Satisfaction and blood that must be wiped away.
Piercings rarely bled gratifying her less
Like the men who approach her frailty with
expectation

She was a child who spun on the playground
Arms outstretched grasping for the wind,
Eyes wide to the clouds, ignoring the dizziness
To appreciate the same utopian euphoria she
Finds in Extasy on her chipboard dresser or
Ecstasy of a man's desire on her bedroom rug
Beneath the sweating body of her latest fuck

No further than the freefall to the playground
From the lurching empty swing. Once in a while
These things all make you bleed. She might
Drink her blood or her next-door neighbor's if
Her stomach was not so weak. A vampiress
To the core with scalpel and happy childhood
Memory of natural highs long lost like natural
Eye color or given name.
April 25, 2001

Outerwear
I found her in the hall closet
Of my sorority where she was
Abandoned-probably because
She is unattractive, but she
Is reversible.

She still reminded me of stale
Beer and cloves-I knew she
wouldn't mind more. She
Guarded me to Canada and
The Pub with the big dumpster
Outside.

Really I hoped no one wanted
Her because I wanted her
Warmth on the walk home. And
Because she would sit alone,
Saving my seat.

I don't let her in my room
With her strengthened beer
And cigarette stench and
The strange mixture of cologne
With vomit-I had to help
Him home-he was sick.

She even has a hood; when
It becomes colder I'm sure
I'll appreciate her without
Wondering who will notice that
She is green and blue. I'm
Jealous of her loyalty.
Nov. 11, 99

People Watching
a job with nothing to do
mind racing trying to
think of something to
occupy time
leaving-pretending to
go somewhere important
to waste away an hour
or more
dinner break will be
a long one
maybe i'll also leave
early
but what will mom
think if i'm home?
hidden behind a large
display so I am
not on display again
like last time
like every time at
a job with nothing to do
a rainy day when hair
is important
getting a chair so my
legs will not ache so
praying that an hour
will fade quickly
writing to get rid of
more time at
a job with nothing to do
talk to the good-looking
man who works at the
store in the office-
the one i asked for the chair
cardboard surrounding me
a setup with a girl much more
beautiful than i-
and better hair
talking to scary workers
and old men
and young guys
who tell me she has better hair,
but i'm beautiful
and i'm working too
hard because i'm at
a job with nothing to do
someone save me from the
stockboy! maybe i
have become snobby
modeling (even if it is pro-mo)
scared of these people
with stupid comments
"are you giving manicures today?"
thinking that they should
leave please go away
only old women- do they
use pantene?
one woman with an elder-fro
asking if i sell anything made for white hair
sure i do
i'll go find it because i'm working at
a job with nothing to do
1998

Playwright
Pulling away from the foreground
Temping with beer and freetime
Release the bond, watch the trap lapse
Flinch, to fear a recurrence
Or deterrence
Deflect my devotion, emotionless,
Shun indecisive commotion
Where I, aimless,
Wrestle, settle and lunge
Only to begin again
Backward to the bluescreen I
Accepted with sinister faith
I watch my blocked movements
Scripted, painless
Ponder what that clue meant-
When you fell in love
The stage kiss caused a stir of truth
March 14, 2000

Please Forgive Me
I'm sorry, I think I made a mistake
that happens sometimes.
I'm sorry, but this is too much to
take,
can you forgive me?
I'm sorry, my feelings hurt too by reply
and yours?
I'm sorry, could this be good-bye?
I know it's my fault...

and I'm sorry.
Sept. 23, 1995

Prima Donna
The ballerina spins,
turns in the sparkling snow swirls.
the strong wind sweeps around
past her glassy eyes.
flakes whipping fast.
her skirt stubbornly motionless.
Crown atop her unmoving blond glory
not a twitch.
yet sill she rotates.
frozen arms and fake plastic smile.
nearly naked figure warm as the
surrounding water,
as the snow crystals settle
and her movement slows.
the music fades
and she waits again for
the excited child to turn the key.
June 1996

Rainbows
The little black girl hides under
the slide,
Joe, the bully, is searching now,
looking for a victim.
He passes Jane,
notices a little tanned girl
with a cabbage patch
kid.
He glances at Stephen,
his truck makes
tracks in the
dirt.
He treks past the
sandbox.
A group of pale
children make roads and
lakes.
He reaches the shadow
of the slide.
The shadow masks
her color and he trudges
on.

Relief
Morbid, I ache
and still I feign peace
Widow of Hunger
my plight for perfection
distant presence to my heart
yet not my strength, or mind
yearns, gaging my will, but
I will wait, I will provide
myself answers
though still I wonder
certain I will not convince;
But you must. When again
joining my presence, no longer
distant. Truths your heart
tells mine openly. Intriguing
deeper questions from...
Aug 25, 1998

Runway Runaway
She jumps at the chance
to present her face to the crowd
her body hardly covered
although revealing, she's proud
watching from the audience
the girl envies her big sister
but she's always gone on the road
the girl can't help but miss her
she will follow in the footsteps
already set by her kin
loving attention,
but violated within
if big sister had known
what would follow that audition
bring her weight and heart down
force her into submission
she would never have left
in seek of great fame
now her sister is trapped
and she has herself to blame.
July 30, 1998

Sandcastles
My toes sink into the damp sand
waves splash up
to bury my feet
the sun beats down
and my hair sucks it in
imitating the golden rays

warm my pale skin
but rosy my cheeks
and I trudge back to
the umbrella masking my
beach blanket.
The calluses on foot bottoms
vaguely painful
from sandfire.

My mind changes and
instead of clean and cool
on the blanket under the
umbrella,
I choose the warm sunlit
sand
and ignore the grit in my hair
Later leaving behind only
my sand angel,
and the castle I want to
live in someday.
Sept. 1995

Satisfied
Peripheral vision shrivels each time
I look at you
Appreciate the paucity of longing
For another
And beat my fists against no
Further doors
Paperbag syndrome for no one
But you
Prefer you without it anyway
To overlook and undress
For you
To downplay and upbraid
Your insecurities
Secure
Happy
As I'll ever be
May 24, 2001

Semester
Dave Matthews disrupts the quiet
Which is necessary to study, much like avoiding a kiss
My mind is frantic like a riot
Because I want to stay with you and reduce our abyss
The snow covers all of the barren trees
And I will miss you during more snows, delayed until June
I feel a shudder in my knees
Holding on, lengthening this short night, knowing that soon
Your life will form crystal
Shining in a new life with new classes and new people in a London bar
You've cocked the hammer of a pistol
To temporarily wound the life with Preoccupations over which your heart has brooded
Now there is too little time, I've concluded.
Dec. 7, 1999

Shower
I remove my underwear
Step into the bathtub without
Turning on the water
Pass judgment on the grout
And cracked ceiling tiles
Showered in remorse, suds
My hair with memories
Your touch washes over my
Thigh and I wonder what
You ponder -- do you sit in
Your bath curling your
Toes around the faucet?
Thinking of me? Caress
The waxiness of soap bar
In the tray with my knee
The rubber band entangling
My hair caught by my
Fingers, pull, loosen my
Mind, loosen my grip on
The porcelain to slide down
Toes on the faucet until
Cold water begins to cover
My body -- wash you away.
May 29, 2001

Sleepless
I've become dependent on drugs because of this chinese water torture
There is a constant drip from the faucet and a leak in the ceiling
I stay awake at night fighting uncomfortable stillness as not to wake him
He doesn't believe in insomnia and rarely believes in me
The plunk continuous in the bottom of the bucket draws my mind from his scrutiny though
As I lay motionless, his arms stifle my movement
As I ponder calculus homework, his eyes stifle my thought
The falling water drops keep me company less selfishly than him
I look forward to a glass of water, two capsules and the familiar drip
I long for sleep that will not visit my body because of racing thought and his grip
He keeps the apartment cold so I am dependent on his warmth
Maybe he knows that my dependence goes no further than the drugs when he rolls over
Away from his problems, away from his fears, away from the faucet, away from me
April 12, 1999

Solitary, Communal
Lucky me
Benign temperament
And erratic foe
Belching a form of hopeful insanity
Into the hearts of most of us
Waiting
Until the saved and saver
Vanishes
Biased, limited
Potential of many
Human drama which relies on the
Personal.
Autobiography of challenge
Jarring free the larger scope
Working list of contrast
And stop speaking for the whole
Nov. 28, 2001

Spectrum
red dust of today
orange of tomorrow
filtered purple of the sunset
ivy jade of summer
silver puddle sparkle
like golden cobweb dewdrops
wet grass and damp feet
dripping wax to porch steps
the crickets' song grow dim
white dandelion dancer swirling
swept by the chilly wind
firefly chartreuse brightness
quickly fades to dark
the angels' whisper jagged
and smothered now the spark
Sept. 24, 1995

Stalking
The sun bathes my face
And I reach for my cat
Who bathes her own.
She's learned that the fall
Could rob her of playful pounce.
She purrs in the warm beams.

The fly she shoots toward
Buzzes up with anger from
Its shingle, and she
Indignantly pads back to
The window-it is, after all-
An often site of flies.

She lands in my bedroom
And stalks toward a cottonball
Under my vanity; my cue to
Leave the front porch roof.
Nov. 10, 99

Strength of the Ladybug
hopes lost
later found
pieces missing
weakened broken fragments
limply strung together
now
trust mangled helpless
the ladybug is again strong
plastic smiles with
unhappy eyes
honesty behind unknown
the ladybug is again happy
fright beneath lies
purple wonder to the dewdrops
decide to stay- or go
I'll go, you can stay with
the ladybug
Sept. 4, 1995

Summer Plans
I'm naked in my bed
again
incense filling the room
odor
sweet night perfume floats
away
tomorrow to finish packing the blue
milkcrates
bring the ripped tu-tu and leave sweet
dreams
tomorrow is the end of before
life
from the stage to the auditorium
balcony
shower with the friends I'm leaving
behind
locker room to cabin
bunk
one week and they will all be
here
June 8, 1997

Sunshine
rose petals fill the air
fresh scent of spring
flowers in the yellow field
sway to the bluebird song

sun filtering
beating warm through cloud fluff
the mushrooms under
pinetrees,
peeking up from a needle prison
staying cool and moist

whirly maple seeds
join the petals
bees are happy today
Nov. 1995

Superstitious Suffocation
Everyday I watched you while
Rubbing frost off a bus window
Strained to make certain I saw
You rush up the driveway, holding
My breath until you disappeared.
Without air I would have you
One day, you would love me.
You told me
Ten years later
You feared sneaking a breath
From the moment you shouldered
Your backpack until the front
Door slammed behind. Holding
Our breath, together, our lungs straining,
How I wanted everything
Those fall and summer days, disappearing
Behind the maple leaves in your front yard,
You held your breath longer
Maple trees have come between us again
But now I continue running for my front door,
Already out of your sight.
Dec. 28, 2000

Tears
Magic fingers
swoop low over the cemetery
tears are falling
dry cheeks becoming saturated
tears becoming a salty river
and a boat can float
jump in, it can sail you away
across the lake
filled by this stream
the lake must be an ocean
it is filled with salt
and so are her cheeks
by the shore she stands
and the magic fingers
grab for her breath
she struggles for air
with a gasp
magic fingers change heart
and wipe her cheeks dry.
Nov. 1995

The bowl
Grandmother calls it a basinette;
It mirrors my reflection beneath
The ornate mirror on the wall
Of the chamber I now occupy,
Until I dip my fingers into the hearth warmed
Liquid to splash my filthy skin.

This morning she added wilted ivory rose petals,
Just as her skin, and I knew to feel fear.
I dipped my fingers in the fragrant deathly garden,
Comparing her aged skin to mine.
Our herb garden has no flowers and grandmother
Never buys them.

The sun is barely seeping through my draperies,
And I strain to hear strangers' voices
In the kitchen below my creaking floorboards.
The occasional clash of pots and pans and the fragrance
Of unusual foods simmering with a mixture
Of pollen and lilies.

I grasp the basinette in a heartless embrace and tiptoe down the velvet stairs, through the front hall,
And into the great room with all of grandfather's
Mahogany.
My arms outstretched to present the wilted dampness,
To grandmother holding those same ivory roses
Over my grandfather's open coffin.
Oct. 12, 1999

The Bridge
I'm running
faster, faster
the cold, frigid wind
cutting my throat
stripping the skin from
my cheeks
I feel the strap of
my bag slipping,
sliding from my shoulder.
I snatch for it
but it falls.
It's gone.
I want to look
back.
I want to at least
see my only belongings
fade into the distance
but I don't,
I can't.
The burning cold wind
slices through my lungs
but I don't look back.
The dark is closing in
pulling away my senses
the loss of sight sucking
my hearing and feeling and taste
...and smell.
But the smell of charred
bones still in my nose.
I see a bridge in the
distance.
It looms high above
but strangely seems
small, insignificant.
And my flight takes
me to it.
Under its cold blanket
I cover myself in
wet leaves,
my protection.
And sleep for the night
to dream of the
lights, the smoke,
the dogs, and the
screams.

The Day I named our Palm tree
hey, I'm stranded
but so are you.
You understand
my desert island.
our surrounding waters black.
black is the faces of them,
all of them
The tide washes up upon our shore,
it's rising now.
our desert island is shrinking away.
The patch of land we share
holds our lone palm tree
I named her for us:
Destiny
Sept. 15, 1995

The Gas Station
and how do you feel?
I'm standing, waiting
for the gas to pump
make sure my car gets
exactly 5 dollars.
and how are you?
oops, 5 oh one.
do you have a penny?
the penny thing always
has one just for me.
what you been up to?
pop and candy are
very hard to decide on
me? I can pay
for my gas and leave
nice seeing you again.
May 1996

The lake
As the ripples emanate from my fingertips,
the fragrant stars waver,
as my thoughts.
Mists over the calm water darkness rise.
I lean farther to sift them through my fingers.
My limbs ache for the cool liquid to surround
but I still obey, ease toes in- legs dangling.
Safe from the infinite current.
Sailing away on this firmly anchored dock.
It is only the water moving by naked calves-
I know.
Yet I'm traveling- some direction infinitely now.
Down? Sinking as my shell floats unaware?
Drowning must resemble this thumping urge
of helplessness.
My surroundings no different than the pounding
warm, red liquid in my temples.
My surroundings are clotting suddenly
and I give in...
July 8, 1997

Thoughts
Where are you going and
how are you getting there?
My thoughts are lost in
pocket lint
Where do yours go when
you aren't paying attention?
I bet there's a lot of extra
ones floating around in the
pond out back.
That must be why the fish
I caught is so smart.
sometimes they fall into
the empty bottles in the recycling bin.
I think that's where new ideas
come from.
My only problem is the big hole
in my pocket.
Dec. 1995

To Break Free
Beneath the violated limbs I sleep.
The hour late, and I cannot help but to bring reservations.
My marionette actions ignored purposely;
they must not be recalled later.
Although useful, I appear worthless in flight.
Lift me above worth, above stretched suppression.
To the stars with my wings, infinitely beyond these branches.
The stardust filters past my feathers.
I resist the atmosphere; the swirling clouds block the view of home.
Greater pressure, more strength
lone will must be enough without apprehension.
I fly, I soar...
My cage now forgotten.
July 1, 1998

Tonight
I dreamt I spied reflection
upon my sixth story window.
Surprised, I watched a moment
then with awe.
The feeling swelled within me as
mistaken I crept closer.
And suddenly the moon I
clearly saw.
There is something for those
who take the message left for granted.
The beams stream through cotton
curtains to my bed.
But, the night is not spent thinking
thoughts of only you.
To dream of you tonight
or him instead...
July 10, 1998

Unfinished
Rambling wood where he rambles next to me
I knew he wouldn't say anything about everything
That mattered-what he did choose to discuss
Floored me
Nov. 11, 99

Untitled
A hardened heart
and down I lay
to search for hope
again I pray
My plight for peace
and trust and love
My eyes stray upward
to the ceiling above
My room is small
yet walls close in
I'm looking back
to where I've been
My life lived well
no sound regrets
And still I search,
no love found yet
The crowd looks on
my breath gives way
As I leave my dreams
to try again; maybe better
today.
Sept. 15, 1995

Visiting Daddy
Next week I think I'm coming home
No decision made yet, you know I can never make up my mind.
My presence doesn't affect you, and that bothers me.
Ask me to come home, tell me you miss me.
My duffle bag packed, and my shoes tied,
just in case you drive me away.
I doubt you care that much. Hate is not worse than apathy.
It won't matter someday, once I am apathetic,
but now homecoming occupies my thoughts.
She wouldn't approve. You never have.
Between the two, seeking acceptance, wanting consent.
Maybe when my afternoon class is over,
I'll take the long way to look
at the front porch where i used to swing.
If you are there, will you beckon to me to join you?
I'll probably stay here so I will never have to discover
whether you would raise your hand to wave me over.
July 30, 1998

Wet Dreams
A mermaid is drowning in the shallow
water
she calls me
but I do not want to help
her.
She is not mine,
and her scales do not fit me.
I want what is hers
but I cannot have--
Drowning--
neither can she.
Sept. 23, 1995

Without Salty Bottlecaps
My land is the heaven of cucumbers
the dog tracks follow the sunshine
and coffee is boiling on my pontoon.

I cried with my selfish goldfish yesterday
afterwards the wallpaper was green
but I didn't mind.

I choked on her bubbles
popping them with pineneedles
and I painted my fake grapes blue.

My land stops at the Kool-aid stand
I watch it carefully
my eyes hear the wind chimes
as the worms light my candles
and I drink from my paper cup.

Without Them
Forever tripping over the remains
the result and destination appear quicker
when nothing blocks the trail along the ravine
prayer for written word
the list has already been created
absent of the name sought
glance again to make sure because sight
may have been insufficient
not before loneliness without previous company
sets in
they traverse the winding chasm
loneliness with present company
realization of comfort right here alone
sets in
they are unnecessary
July 16, 1998

Work Day
battered reality from air conditioned confines
increasingly humid, time passes, defines
space divided with plastic conformed
after within mirrors the ground when stormed
trampled silently, bored and restlessly fit
skull spinning from screen to chair where sits
the friendly of me, the weak and demure
waiting for that of hard work to assure
June 5, 2000

Youth
Too early
Maybe not long enough for you.
Time passes, but discollaborated and weak,
I miss your presence,
much like her.

Is it her? Or the date?
or me?
I hope I cannot blame the latter.
although it probably will never matter.
I'm letting go of dreams I had hoped to gather,
I know I must.

Soon I will be old,
often the cause of change.
My heart is slowly growing cold;
I don't want to let go...
I will be aware of the world;
I hope also of you.

Innocence is fresh for you;
I'm remembering and reenacting.
My beliefs and hopes are true,
although futile.

Faded, inaccurate images of union
draw my attention to the door.
Incomplete emotions
fall to the floor.

I'm holding the memory close to my existence
although you are only a part of the memory now.
Importance depends upon the instance,
and you instantly touched my soul...
June 31, 1998

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