Timeless Advice
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Timeless Advice |
What
advice do you have to keep the romance in the marriage after having a child?
Don’t do anything that will remind her of how she got pregnant in the
first place. Find a good sitter for your child and take him there often! Don't be surprised if you here comments from
his teacher or caregiver saying that your child has been saying some very
interesting things there.
During the Teenage Years: Tell your kids all about your sex life. Laughter is a great way to keep a romance together. Plus it will get them to leave so you two can be alone.
– Natalie Manning
Take time for each other, even when you cannot find a sitter you trust.
Sally Hull
Have the baby sleep at Grandma’s house.
During the Teenage Years: Let the teenager catch you in the act, so that
he will be grossed out. What fun! Marcia Ross
Getting the baby out of sleeping in your room as soon as possible!
Carolee Harris
Take time away for yourselves – we’ll baby-sit. Andrea & Patrick
Bertotti-Mettoyer
Patrick: Remember you are a husband first, then a father. Kiel Van
Inwegen (cousin)
Take time for yourselves, individually and as a couple. Take turns watching your child while the
other spends some alone time. Also,
hire a babysitter (a trusted friend) and go out on a date – dinner, a movie, a
walk in the park. It doesn’t have to be
the whole night, maybe just an hour or two.
– Brian & Melinda
Russell
Perhaps you should forward us any advice you get on this topic. We’ve never been on a date without our
children . . . definitely wouldn’t recommend imitating us here. Marcy Vogler
Start work on the next child. Richard & Jas Nicacio
Go ahead and be loving around your child. This lets the child know that you have a strong marriage. Save the groping and freaking until after
the child goes to bed. Take a vacation
without the child once in a while.
– Nicole Schwartz
OOOOO! Parents aren’t supposed to
do that! Aaron Russell
Keep the door locked. Build a
home where the kids’ rooms are at the opposite end of the house from the master
suite. Get a quiet bed. Get a baby sitter like Grandma and Grandpa
to take them off your hands for a night…or a week. Whatever they’ll let you get away with before calling child
services and claiming you’ve deserted your children.
I think you do the same things when you’re a parent as when you are a
single couple. Except now you get to
change that extra dirty diaper and pick up messes and get up in the middle of
the night to get the baby and give Victoria a break instead of getting her
flowers every week or meeting for lunch, or nooners, or whatever. At least Deb tells me she thinks it’s sexy
when I clean house for her once in a while.
– Jim Russell
It is sexy. A man doing the
dishes and the laundry… My
fantasy! Remember to say “I love you” a
lot. Pat, when you come home and
Victoria has that possessed look again, smells like spit-up or poop (in fact,
what’s that on her shoulder?), just remember, SHE IS BEAUTIFUL DAMNIT! When you’re wondering when her baby belly is
going to be nice and flat and free of stretch marks (Jim’s still waiting), just
remember, SHE IS BEAUTIFUL DAMNIT!
Victoria and the baby magically almost become one – when you’re at that
high point in the bedroom, suddenly Victoria will say, “Is that the baby? I think the baby is crying.” Its all over – get a cold shower. THE BABY KNOWS! Try to get a babysitter and go on regular dates, alone. We’re still trying to get this one down.
– Deb Russell
Just because you have a new member in your family doesn’t mean you have
to give up the things you enjoy. It is
very important to get away from your baby and spend time with just the two of
you alone. Set a special date and make
sure you go on it. You will come back
refreshed and ready to meet these family challenges and changes in your lives
with a whole new attitude. If you never
get away from the baby you may begin having some negative feelings toward
him/her and this makes it really hard to cope.
Some couples are so afraid about leaving their child with a babysitter,
but find someone you trust, go ahead and enjoy having an evening together. Don’t forget the lock on the door - kids
know how to turn handles!!
– Gloria Van Inwegen
Make sure you always remind your other half how much you love them. And don’t forget to use the Grandparents for
baby-sitting so you can take each other out on ‘hot dates’.
– Richard & Jas
Nicacio
Work on a second, third, etc. Andy Van Inwegen
Find and keep a good babysitter ~ away time is important ~ ALSO, although
a lot has to be censored...keep as much affection as possible out in the
open...the loves you share as a couple reassure the little ones and show a good
model of relationship.
– Devin Burns
Decide you want another child. Marcia Ross
Let them each choose a tv show and use the time wisely! Andrea &
Patrick Bertotti-Mettoyer
During the Teenage Years: Really put that lock on the door!! And now is the time to make sure you have
had that "birds and bees" talk.
Show your love and affection for each other in front of your children. They learn a lot about commitment, etc.,
through your actions. I have heard it said
that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother and
make sure they see that love.
– Gloria Van Inwegen
Put vaseline on the doorknob and learn to have 5 minute quickies. Marilyn
Nicacio
Leave the child at Grandma’s and go away for several weeks on romantic
holidays. Richard & Jas Nicacio
Sell the child and move to Fiji.
Romance is easier when you’re alone on an island.
During Teenage Years: Taking a vacation at this point in the kids life
would end in disastrous consequences for your house, so let the passion burn
whenever you are alone.
– Andy Van Inwegen
What
is the “Big Issue” with your child right now?
My big issue is that I can't believe my child is going to be a
Father! But I know you will be a great
one!! In all seriousness though,
probably setting a routine for eating and sleeping. Sometimes it doesn't happen just like you hope. As a child: Now
children want to do things their own way.
They can get a little stubborn and disrespectful. Just stay the course - calm and in control.
As a teenager: The biggest issue now is dealing with a "real"
person - one who is growing and becoming more independent and making some real
life choices. Parental influence is now
taking a backseat to peer and social influences. The trick is to still be the major force in your child's life but
back off enough to let them be ready to go out on their own. Gloria Van Inwegen
Hanna, 3 2/3 years, is very argumentative and we are have long
discussions about keeping agreements. Mia, 20 months, has very specific
opinions but is not able to verbalize much that we understand so she gets
frustrated. Kiel Van Inwegen (cousin)
Money. All my kids have more
money than I do. They need to remember
all the sacrifices I made for them and support my gambling addiction. Marilyn
Nicacio
Aaron: No “big” issues. He’s just testing out being a
9-year-old. Deb has to repeat a lot of
requests to him and he’s just beginning to realize that you have to work in
order to have fun. I’ll beat it into
him eventually.
Madison: She’s 2 ½ going on 30 some
days. She’s all girl. She has decided she doesn’t need to go potty
on the potty. Her diaper works just
fine. She also picked up some choice
phrases from somebody…not sure whom.
Phrases like “I’m going to kick your $#$#” and “Shut your face” and our
favorite: “ I WANT (fill in the
blank)!” Jim Russell
Aaron: I’m a little stressed about knowing that next year he gets the
“big talk” in school about the birds and the bees. Not sure I’m ready for Aaron to know all
this yet, but unfortunately he’s getting older and in a few years will be a
teenager. We’re just trying to keep
Aaron from turning into a punk – he’s at a vulnerable age right now and we
don’t want him to make a wrong turn.
Madison: Potty training
definitely. We’ve tried all sorts of incentives,
but none work. We didn’t experience
much of the “terrible two’s” with Aaron (probably because he was at daycare and
we didn’t see it as much), but Madison definitely is there. She can be snotty one minute, and the next
say, “I love you so much mommy.” Like I
said before, she’s a princess and she knows it. Deb Russell
Baby: Allowing others to touch and hold her.
As a child: The growing sense of independence. Nicole Schwartz
Danny - trying to get him not to boss other kids, getting him to go to
the bathroom before he pees his pants. Getting him to go to sleep at 9pm.
Quinton - trying to feed him enough and fast enough. Natalie Manning
Thankfully we don’t have children.
If you have issues, beat ‘em! Richard & Jas Nicacio
SHE'S
GONE!!!! Oh wait, never mind. Never had one. My mistake.
As a teenager: Drug addiction and that damn loud music. Damn those schools!!! Andy Van Inwegen
Korbin is teething . . . Baby Orajel.
Also, right now Kilor is whining.
He seems to be getting better, though. Marcy Vogler
Keadin: probably taking his breathing treatments and learning the idea he
doesn’t get things all the time that he wants
Elly: pottying and talking/communicating. Sally Hull
That he doesn’t exist. Marcia Ross
No issues!!! The issues are “fun adventures” ~ OK, to not speak too
idealistic, Connor has his tempers and his tantrums ~ BATTLE OF WILLS ~ in
private, ignoring the outbursts and time outs seem to work best; and in public,
finding a “bunker” of privacy to deal with the situation is always the fun
challenge - kind of like running for cover. Devin Burns
Getting enough physical exertion and mental stimulation...it's hard to
keep up with her. Andrea & Patrick Bertotti-Mettoyer
Enjoy your child at the current age and stage they are at. Don’t wish for them to walk and talk too
soon. Children grow up way too fast.
Brian & Melinda Russell
Where
do you go for advice on child-rearing?
A gypsy. Marcia
Ross
Family and the books on positive discipline - like Positive Discipline the first 3 years. Andrea & Patrick
Bertotti-Mettoyer
Mom/Dad. Nicole Schwartz
With Kilor, we used “The Baby Book” by William Sears & Martha
Sears. It focuses on a child-centered,
attachment-style parenting. I was so
delighted when I found this book, as it helped me to feel comfortable in my
decisions to sleep with Kilor, etc.
With Korbin, however, we have used the totally different approach
outlined in “On Becoming Baby Wise” by Garry Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. This book outlines the necessity of getting
baby on a schedule, and reverses the order of feeding and sleeping from what
seemed natural for me. Both books
seemed to be perfect for me at the time I found them, which is ironic since
they propose such opposite parenting ideals.
Most importantly, I would say, do what feels right, and if you need assurance
or validation, find a book that tells you that what you’re doing is O.K. Remember that every child is different. Remind others of that if you’re getting too
much unsolicited advice. I also read
Parenting magazines and ask for advice from family and friends.
– Marcy Vogler
My wife, Naoko, parents, and friends. Kiel Van Inwegen (cousin)
Friends that have kids, day-care providers, Dr. Phil or Oprah. Oh, whom are we kidding? I have a big Velcro wall here at the house
and the kids have Velcro suits. When
they need a whooping, I hang them on the wall.
– Jim Russell
A book called “What to Expect the First Year,” parenting.com,
babycenter.com, americanbaby.com, and friends. Deb Russell
I read some books, but some of them seemed very trendy and sort of out in
left field. I think I learned the most
from the way my parents raised me. I
also learned from my friends and other family members -- mostly seeing things they did that I didn't
like. Parents need to be consistent,
consistent, consistent. I really think
children are happier and more well adjusted in situations that aren’t changing
all the time. They know the bounds and
limits and function very well within them. When you and Andy were young
children, I used my own judgment and common sense. You were both becoming your own individuals and some things that
worked with one of you didn't work with the other one. You and your child will work these things
out, and you really will know what to do when the time comes.
Regarding teenagers: If there is someone whose advice you respect, they
can be a great resource. It could be a
friend, family member, or an expert in the field. I really like Dr. James Dobson who is the "Focus on the
Family" lecturer. We heard him on
a lecture series (through videos) at church a long time ago and he does a short
segment on CBS TV in the morning. He
has some great ideas and good common sense things to consider for families,
especially ones with teenagers.
– Gloria Van Inwegen
The experts: your parents and in-laws. Marilyn Nicacio
Regarding infants: I won’t be going to my husband that’s for sure! I’ll probably go to my mother when the time
comes. Regarding children: At this stage I think I might seek professional
advice for my own sanity.
Regarding teenagers: If I haven’t got control by now then I think I’ll
just give-up.
– Richard & Jas
Nicacio
My wife. Devin
Burns
Peers and others with children, you'll find lots of nonparents giving
advice but not too many following it.
Sally Hull
I like to send mass emails out to my friends and family members where I
ask ever possible question under the sun.
You'd be surprised at some of the responses.
Regarding teenagers: I've only got energy enough to chat with the crack
whore down the street. Besides, she's
providing for about 16 kids anyway, so she's probably got some great advice.
– Andy Van Inwegen
What
tips can you share for traveling?
Baby: Start traveling with your little one early - it's all about
conditioning!!! Devin Burns
Baby: Use a carrier to keep baby on you, have toys, etc. easily
available, have extra clothes for parents as well as the child (as they are
likely to get you dirty on the plane).
Check as much of your luggage as possible so you don’t have so much to
carry. Give yourself plenty of extra
time - babies don’t hurry well. Nurse
on take-off/landing if baby has ear problems.
Child: Have a bag of toys that they have never seen before so that they
keep their attention well. Andrea & Patrick Bertotti-Mettoyer
Baby: Bring plenty of diapers, food, wipes, toys, ear plugs, same for the
plane except don’t take the juice offered by the flight attendant.
Teenager: Try not to embarrass your kid.
Learn to like their music. Bring
earplugs. Natalie Manning
Baby: Bring as little gear as possible!
Bring something for them to suck on so their ears don’t hurt. Bring some new toys to occupy them. Carolee
Harris
Baby: Bring new toys from the dollar store to make it work. But, be
prepared you will be worn out from constant entertaining, also if under one
bring bottle for take off and landing. Sally Hull
Baby: Car is easy because the baby will fit in the trunk. On planes the best place for the baby is
outside on the wings. Child: Tie the child to the top of the car. Tie the child to the wing of the plane.
Teenager: You might as well let the teen drive his own car. On a plane the teen will sit as far as
possible from you. Marcia Ross
Baby: Keep a favorite toy near by.
Willy and I gave Kayla small doses of Nyquil when traveling by plane.
Snacks, toys, and singing.
Teenager: Conversation, route planning, music. Nicole Schwartz
Baby: Remember that you can breast-feed them in their car-seats. Buy suckers, but super-vise, as they can
break them from the stick posing a choking hazard. When flying with baby, breast-feed during take-off and landing to
help them keep their ears popped.
Child: Again, suckers, drinks,
and snacks. Kilor loves to have graham
crackers, and we usually only allow water in the car. For airplanes, sticker books, crayons, and magna-doodles. Marcy
Vogler
Baby: Traveling is a little tricky because you have to take so many
things for the baby. But basically,
babies are great little travelers.
Don’t ever skip a trip just because of your baby - they adjust nicely.
Child: Just make sure they are able to keep getting the rest they need
and that they don’t get hungry. Take
lots of good, unmessy snacks with you to keep them happy.
Teenager: If at all possible, let them bring a friend along. If not, be sure to include their opinions
and input in the travel plans. Gloria Van Inwegen
Baby: Beat ‘em first. Dose them
up with Night Nurse so they sleep throughout the whole trip and will never even
know they left home. Richard & Jas Nicacio
Baby: Stay at home.
Child: Avoid planes. They tend to
explode into balls of flames and send you plummeting at 9.86 meters/second
(squared of course) straight down.
Minus some wind resistance. But
seriously, with wind resistance, we're talking a human body reaching a terminal
velocity of about 130 miles per hour.
Those probably aren’t the best conditions for your baby, so if I were
you, I’d keep them safe and sound on the ground until you’re ready to kill
them. Andy Van Inwegen
Teenager: You're probably more inclined to kill this hormone filled
walking nightmare, so send the jerk on the plane while you take a train.
Baby: Take as many breaks as possible.
Babies get bored, too. Kiel Van Inwegen (cousin)
Baby: Tylenol or Sudafed or Nytol are good things when given in
moderation. Keep the trips short,
travel at night when the baby is usually asleep. We took Aaron to the coast when he was 1 ½ and Madison went all
the way to Disney World when she was that age.
They did pretty well. Lots of
patience and make sure you have a nice flight attendant when flying or a sturdy
roof rack when driving.
Child: Bring books, color crayons, and dolly’s, and toy cars, and…get the
picture: more luggage. The good news is
that you can let them run around on their own and pretend they aren’t yours as
they get older. And eventually, they
don’t want to be seen with you because it isn’t “cool.” Gameboys or Gameboy advances are a
must. We have 2. Jim Russell
Baby: In the car, travel when the infant is sleeping. On the plane, remember the air pressure
effects their ears and give them baby medicine before and during travel. (Serious advice).
Child: Take breaks so they can run around. Try to interest them in the passing scenery. Travel during their sleep time. Make friends with the flight attendants.
Teenager: In the car give them responsibilities including driving if
applicable. In the plane, don’t sit
near them. Marilyn Nicacio
Are
boys or girls “easier” (for the parents)?
Of course girls are much sweeter.
Teenagers: Where would you get the idea that any teenager is easy? Marcia
Ross
Keep a diaper or Kleenexes handy with the boys. The minute they feel air a blowing, there’s going to be a
fountain. On the other hand, the girls
have a lot more “cracks” and “crevices” to clean out…remember, with girls it’s
front to back. All in all, both have
challenges. I think it has more to do
with first and second born not necessarily boy or girl. Aaron has always been more cautious, more
sensitive, and since he was our first we tended to “baby” him a bit more. Madison on the other hand juggles knives, is
as reckless as Evil Kenevil, and loves to be tossed into the air and flipped
around over my head. She does tend to
be able to wrap me around her finger when she wants though… But that Girl/boy
thing kicks in when they hit about 2 years Old. The boys challenge directly with attitude and back talk. So do the girls, but they’re so damn cute
you just can’t be mad. (At least that
how it is with Madison and me….yup…she owns me.) Jim Russell
I think girls are definitely easier as infants. I have seen some little boy terrors in my time, but all the
little girls I know are very sweet. Boys are definitely easier as
teenagers! Girls in their awkward years
are the worst. Carolee Harris
Baby: The youngest child, whatever sex.
Child: Boys are so much easier to raise,
They listen better, mind well and learn how to use the restroom much
faster than girls. Only people with
great intestinal fortitude should attempt to have more than 2 girls. Marilyn
Nicacio
We have two girls, seems like they are easier, but the children of some
friends are horrible little girls. Kiel Van Inwegen (cousin)
Well, since I don't really have a frame of reference for this one, I
guess I had better not offer an opinion --- although, I have always been very
partial to boys!! I have heard that girls are easier to potty train than boys. Also, little girls seem to be content to
play more “quietly” than little boys play, but that may be an unfair
assumption.
Teenagers: I feel boys are much easier.
Girls tend to be moodier, are more influenced by friends, etc. (sorry,
but that is my opinion. Of course, some
girls, mainly Victoria, are wonderful!!)
Through my teaching experience it is much easier to deal with a
difficult boy than it is a difficult girl. Gloria Van Inwegen
I hope boys are but probably girls. Natalie Manning
Baby: I don't think sex matters at this stage. The baby's disposition should give you a clue what you're in for
later on in his/her development.
Child: Girls are expected to be docile and are frowned upon by society
when rambunctious. Boys get away with
testing boundaries. So I will have to
side with girls being "easier" physically, but they can play the
emotion game earlier than boys. Nicole Schwartz
The first is always easier it baits you for the second. SO, in my case,
Elly was tougher Sally Hull
Baby: Girls, of course.
Teenagers: Hhhhmmmm…that’s a tough one…get a pet dog instead – they’re
definitely easier! Richard & Jas Nicacio
Baby: Both eat,
poop, and shat themselves like babies.
Child: boys are nothing compared to those hell raising girls. Andy Van Inwegen
Only have boys, so I don’t know which is easier. Mine were very easy infants. Marcy Vogler
