| Chapter Commander � KiZeR Chapter writers � Twiggy, Lord Thayer, DMOD, Nihilist, Namic, Magnus Jager Twiggy got off the elevator on the 12th floor, Motley Crue elevator music still ringing in his head. ��Girls, Girls, Girls!� From there, passed the incredibly simple labyrinth, he knew he was getting close. The mildew smell was giving way to cinnamon and�Jamaican Love? Yes, KiZeR liked burning scented candles. Twiggy meant to have a long and scolding chat with him regarding the gnome powered laser. Before long he stood before the door which read, �Losers Ahead�. Littering the ground where several disembodied corpses, suggesting that maybe the message on the door was a pun of some kind. But Twiggy knew he had nothing to fear. Inside, KiZeR was at his computer, typing away as fast as he could (using only his index and middle fingers). He seemed unusually tense and the bags under his eyes suggested he hadn�t slept in days. On the other side of the room, a film of dust had started forming on the comfy leather couch. Suddenly, he say somethign approach him from the corner of his eye... �Hey, man, what�s up?� KiZeR jumped out of his seat and reached for a baseball bat next to his desk, until he realized who it was. He suppressed the urge to yell �GNOME Baseball!� and smash away. �How�d you get in here?� �You mean how'd I get passed the decapitating buzz saw security system? It flew 3 inches over the top o� me hat.� �Right.� �What�s the matter with you? You look like excrement! And where's Aki?� KiZeR ignored the gnome's questions. "Call a meeting. We may be the world�s only hope...� Curious as to what he meant by that, Twiggy did so. As per normal procedure, Twiggy waited until 3 am to pull the �Meeting Alarm�, a cacophony so great not even the dead could sleep through it. So of course, nobody would get any sleep, or peace, until all were present. The FUBARians filed into the meeting hall, all dressed in their sleeping attire, all groggy, confused and very pissed off for being disturbed. �Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your rears! On our last adventure, rescuing the random ninja�whose name I completely forget, we witnessed a relationship start between the radioactive Shark-Octopus monster Schloym and the Facts of Life Hydra. Some unions just should not be. Through the miracle of technology that is Conan O�Brien�s �If They Mated� machine, we have seen the hideous results of what would happen if two seemingly compatible celebrities where to spawn and offspring. His technology has prevented many unholy unions from producing twisted fruit. But sometimes the warnings are ignored, or they arrive too late. The last time such a thing happened, Magic: The Gathering mated with Pokemon, and produced Yu-gi-oh (the audience shudders). Once upon a time, a she-Jackel mated with a used-car salesman. The result was Barbara Streisand! (Gasps and screams are heard, as lightning flashes and thunder crashes outside.) Schloym and the FoL Hydra are one such couple which never should be. Observe. Whether or not this foul monster has yet been born, I do not know! But we must act fast! According to my computer, this �Klugman� is the purest form of corruption and evil this world has ever seen. His very existence is a cancer in reality, and all it encounters will be twisted, deformed and killed! If we are too late to prevent its birth, we must strike it down while it is still young and (hopefully) weak. Who�s with me? ----------------- Meanwhile, in the FUBAR lobby, a group of about twenty women entered. Some were quite beautiful. Others were somewhat big boned and looked rather dyke-ish. When they stopped at the secretary, they claimed to be applicants for KiZeR�s vacancy at slavegirl/sidekick. Though the secretary had not been informed that interviews had begun, she let them pass. On the way to the F�ed Up Elevator, one girl with long, blonde hair and a great figure talked into small a communicator. �Phase 1 complete, we�ve gained entrance, commence Phase 2.� Who are these strange women? What is the real reason for them wanting to get into FUBAR HQ? Is Klugman really the horrible threat KiZeR believes it to be? Has he even been born yet? So many questions� Who will join KiZeR on his quest to slay the monster Klugman? Who will stay behind? Choose now! Or I choose for you... No no no... this is a great gig opportunity... yes... no need to worry. It doesn't matter if the fans are going to actually be there, I'm paying you aren't I? Uh huh... right... that's what I said wasn't it? I told you that it would be the biggest event in the history of all that is unsacred, and you guys are going to be playing it LIVE!!! Yes I know your new album just came out... Yes I've seen the cover. Yes, I cranked up the volume on my computer and listened to what you're capable of... tis the reason why I'm booking you on this limited engagement tour through the world of Khazan. Well, actually your sort of the opening act to the most nasty looking conception of evil the world has seen. No, it's not another band... You'll be playing theme music for the festivities. Uh huh... Uh huh... right........ actually that's not a bad idea... Yes you can play your hit single "Sex Farm". The themes in that song are perfect for the show. Alright, so can I beam you guys over to sign the contract then? Alright, great... see you in a few minutes. Willie got off the phone and smiled at his fellow Fubarians. Get ready to rock cause in a few moments we'll have the best hard rock band for this event. Willie passed out CD's to everyone in the room. No label, no picture, just a purely black cover. The Album is called "Smell the Glove" and we're gonna help tour the group around while watching and or interfering with this conception process. Now, judging by the sheer size of these two reptilian monsters, and taking into account how long large animals need to screw, this process of intercourse in Godzilla proportions will take at least a few weeks. We have time before the big eruption, so, in the mean time, lets figure out what we should do with this situation. I personaly have provided half the entertainment, the other half being the monsters getting it on, and the rest of my part will be watching from the sidelines. Possibly thinking up one-liners that explain the situation and cause great amounts of wittiness to be spread. Regardless, the Headquarters needs to be fixed from the battles and I think we should approach this mission much like the crocodile hunter would. That is all from me, and if you would excuse me, my "babe o meter" just called, and I feel I should go help KiZeR before introducing the band members to all of you. Ciao! Wiseass Dave, Dan/The Devouring One, and Will the Joke Assassin all knelt before the Commander. Wiseass Dave spoke, "WE ARE AT YOUR COMMAND! Our Missiles, Shotguns, and other implements of destruction are yours to use." Will spoke up, "Except. The. Holy. Hand.Grenade." For a moment, there was silence. Dan finally said it, "God help us, we're boring as hell! Dave, come on! GET OUT OF THE SLUMP!" "I dunno man...I'm just not feelin it right now." LotFU Student Dave was seen running past with a fake tumbleweed as a disguise while running downstairs... Nihilist ambles over to Twiggy from the back of the room, looking faintly amused by proceedings. Pausing for a second, he jams a cigarette in his mouth and lights up. "Dr Caraway sends his regrets. He would help out, but Hank got trashed yesterday and drove the van into a lampost somewhere in Lowtown. He's gone off with Gnu to try and break the inbred hick out of jail. So I'm afraid he's not playing this time around." "Shame." "If it's any consolation, I know where he hides his medicinal alcohol." "You do? Fantastic! Where!" "Fifty bucks." "Huh?" "Cough up. I'm not telling you for free. I'm not THAT FUBAR you know. "Fair is fair I suppose" With a surly expression, Twiggy passes Nihilist an extremely dog-eared looking note. "Thank you. It's actually quite easy. He's replaced all the fluids in his mechs suspension with homebrew. You just have to be careful, as he's rejigged the alarm system." "?" "The mech's still active. And so's the gun. You might need this. Apparently the red one turns it off." Nihilist passes Twiggy a large remote control "Thanks" "Oh, and as for the 'Evil Progeny of icky beasties thing', I'm quite happy to help. Just give something to do, and I'll get on with it. Last time was awfully boring. Everyone wandered off and I had nothing to do, so I went on Holiday. Anything need doing now, before we set off?" "Alrite people! It is our mission to destroy the evil beasty! Sloth, Magnus and KiZeR will go search for clues at the oxygen bars and cyber cafe's of science sector. Wiseass Dave, select a crew and rent a boat, bate for the giant monsters with radioactive chum and kill everything that swims. Willie, make sure the band shows up and we have plenty of pretzels and chips for everybody. I'll be jumping around from party to party, popping up at various points in the adventure to assist and/or handicap you, and I will then disappear into thin air the moment anyone takes their eyes off me. Its a gnome thing, don't ask. Now lets get cracking! --------------------- As the FUBARians left to hunt the monster Klugman, the women weaved through the HQ, setting and dropping odd devices as they went. Seeing how they moved, it was obvious that they were well trained, and the fact they did not get lost once suggested they had previous knowledge of the HQ. "Alright guys, phase 3, regroup in the lobby!" Wiseass Dave turned to Dan, who was ready. "Aye, we be huntin sharks, eh?" Said Dan the Fishin Man. Dave shook his head, "No, Klugman." Dan the Fishin Man nodded, "Aye, it be Klugman we be huntin. I'll go get the radioactive mulch." Will interjected, "Wasn't. It. Suppossssed. To. Be...CHUUUUUUM?" Both Dave and Dan groaned, "Trust us, this things supposed to be a Klugman, thus Cannibalistic...it will know its own." Dave sighed, "Well, either way, Dan you're in charge of this one. The Devouring One is our resident crazy fisher...but do me a favor and just try not to let him take over and fling you into the drink?" Dan the Fishin Man laughed in his Pirate Vernacular, "Arrrrrr, but that be where the best fish can be found." Dave sighed, "Whatever. Okay Nihilist, Possibly Banquo if he's up to it yet, Doc and May Lee...yeah, that should do it. I'd like to get LotFU Student D...has anyone seen him recently?" Silence greeted the question...where WAS LS-Dave? Sloth, Magnus and KiZeR drove the FUBAR van to Science Sector. Why Science Sector? Because if anyone had any information on the location of an uber-evil monster in Khazan, surely it would be the nerds, geeks and kaiju otakus that would be found in great abundance there. "Now, I feel I should warn you," KiZeR said to Magnus and Sloth. "The bars of Science Sector are a little different than you'd expect." "Big deal, a bar's a bar right? We just go in, crack some skulls, we find out what we need to know and then we drink the place dry!" "Well, that's where you're wrong...you see, there's no real alcohol in Science sector bars...instead they'll have canasters of 100% pure oxygen and drugged milk." Magnus' face turned ghostly white. "NO BEER!!!!! What kind of forsaken hell is this place?" Sloth's blood began to boil. Of course Magnus had all the ingrediants he'd need too keep himself and his companions drunk for monthes, but the idea of a bar than did not serve alcohol was about as unholy and evil a thing as they could imagine. As the van pulled up to their first target, Magnus and Sloth were sure of only one thing: It was past time they started killing something, preferably something nerdy. Wanting to kill something so badly, being attacked was the last thing on their mind. No sooner did they get off the van were they jumped by pale-faced men in suits. Though they looked scrawny, their strength was deceiving. But still they were no match for the powers of Yampu. With a menacing stare, Sloth made their heads explode. "Alright, WTF was that?", said Magnus "I think they were vampires." "No," said KiZeR. "Not vampires. Blood sucking lawyers. They were after me." "Ok, why are you the target of blood sucking lawyers?" "Well, remember the land-based naval battle against Nim? I made Aki the masthead of the ship, for good luck. Everything was fine and good until we submerged...and I kinda forgot to bring Aki below deck. Anyway, to make a long story short, Aki got royally pissed off and left. Not only that, claiming that I tried to kill her, she's sent these damned lawyers after me. As if making me do my own chores isn't punishment enough! -------------------- The sound of machine gun fire grabbed the attention of everyone in FUBAR HQ's lobby. "ALRIGHT ALL YOU MUTHA@#$%*'S, EVERYONE ON THE GROUND NOW OR YOU'RE ALL F%$@ING DEAD!!!" With expert percission, everybody in the lobby was either hogtied or locked in closets. Aiding the easy with which they took the building was the fact that pretty much everyone who wasn't a faceless temp or random extra was off hunting Klugman. It was almost too easy. Floor by floor, everyone left in the building became hostages to the vicious vixens. The then went to the 13th floor, took a few dozen hostages with them and made it their base of operations. "Everything all clear, Matt?", said one woman to another, a large women who's head was shaved bald. "We've sweeped the entire building, everyone in the building is accounted for. Everyone else must have left, just like she said they would." "Good. Give me satellite link-up. Time to let those son's a b!$%^es what's going on." "It's done. Send the message." -------------------------- "Attention FUBAR. My name is Robert Ewing. My men and I have just taken control of your HQ. Why did we do this? We were once ordinary citizens of Lowtown. Some of us were fathers, husbands. Some were important businessmen, others were even superheroes. Then you rip our lives apart! Yes, we have determined that YOU are responsible for switching the genders of everyone in Lowtown a few monthes ago! We were once men. Now, we are the Ex-Men! Unlike everyone else, we did not switch back to our normal genders. We do not know why, but since YOU were responsible, we will leave it to YOU to undo. We have set explosive charges all over your headquaters. Our demands are simple. Change us back, and we might not blow it to kingdom come. Refuse, and not only do we nuke your building, we'll also hunt each and every one of you down like rats. Willie was uber confused at this point? How did the Evil Klugman already be conceived and birthed when not long ago he said it would take a few weeks for the conception and then we would then have to wait till the birth. Why were the members going on a Klugman hunt already, the thing wasn't born yet! Next bit of storyline confusion, Willie was agast at the idiots not paying attention to the storyline from chapter one when Banquo ordered the reconfiguration of all the sex changes. How did these babes slip by the interesting invention of Twiggy? His hand brushed the beaming sequence and greeted the band into the Headquarters giving them all insignias as passes to roam anywhere in the building... "You'll have to excuse the place, we're in the middle of a hostile transexual takeover... Usually happens once a week, nothing to be alarmed at. Yeah, we usually get weirdos like that at our gigs too, I mean can't the bloody blokes figure out a sex and stay with it? So, you guys can just set up there in the lobby, don't mind the hot babes toting weapons, and if they ask any questions just tell them about the sheer power of your amplifiers. Willie escorted the band and the backstage crew to the Lobby just as things started to get ugly. The entire Lobby had these little devices set everywhere. But just in the Lobby because it wasn't explained how it was possible that these ladies who weren't FUBAR trained were able to open the doors or use the elevator. In fact, Willie was going to make an example of this... Willie was approached by a young blonde. Uninterested, Willie turned to the elevator, an area the intruders couldn't get into for obvious reasons. He depressed the up key with his heiney and the doors opened. The blonde was taken aback. The doors closed before she could catch them. Willie beamed to the Holodeck and assumed the Generals chair. Gazing at the monitors he checked to make sure that the membership had their insignias on. He depressed a key labeled stinky and the lobby gave off a very audible fart noise that the intruders turned their noses up too. Fumes began to fill the room and choking incurred. Willie turned the vents on when the room was totally filled. The Drummer for the band just happened to die at that moment, not because of the fumes but due to natural implosion legistics. The intruders lay unconscious on the ground. The bass player made a joke of the situation wafting his backside and exclaiming "Excuse Me". When was the monster sex show going to start? Would Twiggy turn the men back the way they were or would they all be made into KiZeR's slave assisstants? Would Willie have to fix other mistakes in the storyline? The #### do I care? I just fix things... How did the Evil Klugman already be conceived and birthed when not long ago he said it would take a few weeks for the conception and then we would then have to wait till the birth. Why were the members going on a Klugman hunt already, the thing wasn't born yet! Well, we don't know if it has been born yet. The conceiving happened wwwaaaaayyyy back during chapter 2, when Schloym and Hydra slithered away under the sea. Maybe the geeks in Science sector will know more. As of right now, the only evidence that Klugman may exist is a program in KiZeR's computer, and it could all end up be a wild goose chase. Next bit of storyline confusion, Willie was agast at the idiots not paying attention to the storyline from chapter one when Banquo ordered the reconfiguration of all the sex changes. How did these babes slip by the interesting invention of Twiggy? Yeah, well that was when you were commander. I'm commander now, and I say not everybody got switched back. PO'ed trans-gender commandos are FUBAR's enemy #1! Them and Klugman. The entire Lobby had these little devices set everywhere. But just in the Lobby because it wasn't explained how it was possible that these ladies who weren't FUBAR trained were able to open the doors or use the elevator. Not so... Posted: Dec. 28 2002,15:34 "As the FUBARians left to hunt the monster Klugman, the women weaved through the HQ, setting and dropping odd devices as they went. Seeing how they moved, it was obvious that they were well trained, and the fact they did not get lost once suggested they had previous knowledge of the HQ." If it ain't broke, don't fix it! Nihilist wanders back into HQ, wearing bright orange inflatable arm bands that clash appallingly with his standard black leather trenchcoat. In one hand he's dragging a large harpoon gun, in the other a large clay pot from which an angry buzzing sound can be heard. Carefully placing his toys on the ground, Nihilist snaps the neck of a nearby X-man, just for practise, and remarks to noone in particular: "I always thought fishing was boring. But these new 'psychotic swarm of angry stinging insect harpoons' should make things a bit more interesting. If not, those tactical nukes I swiped from the Fallen garage the other night should. I wonder whether we'll have to row this boat we're supposed to be getting. And what exactly IS a scupper anyway?" "Sensei...should we have not have actually done something?" Asked a Random Ninja. Inside the LotFU Dojo Bar and Grill, Sensei Kung-Fu Master Bob simply shook his head. "No my son. It is far cooler if are completely unseen by anyone and anything except for a few cinematic hints...like shadows on the walls occasionally, THEN we pop up out of nowhere with those L-shaped swords and kill everything in sight." The Random Ninja growled, "You mean, Kukri's" Master Bob nodded, "Yeah, those things. Lets face it, it will be impossible for them to figure out which of the four entrances of ours they should use anyway. And if they DO figure out to use the right one, they see nothing. And if they DO see a ninja, it will commit seppukku and then all the OTHER Ninja will slaughter them." GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! --- "So." The White Ninja said, "We meet again. For the first time, for the last time." <Dramatic Chord!> LotFU Student Dave shook his head, "No, technically we are meeting during one of the many times we have met FOR the last time." The White Ninja shook his head, "No young fool! You are truly meeting me for the first time...and it shall be your last!" <Dramatic Chord!> LotFU-Student-D simply sighed, in true badly dubbed fashion, "I *sigh* now kill you!" The two stood on the very highest peak of the FUBAR HQ, for this was the site of their dramatic final battle, the last showdown, the final throwdown, the dancing duel done to death. And this time around, it IS on HBO. And so they flew at each other. One a Dark Warrior who was not so dark being that he wore White...and the other a Warrior of good who was battling for everything he knew and loved. --- Wiseass Dave turned to May Lee and Docnfoid as Dan began giving a speech on how dangerous a Shar...err...Klugman was. "Yeah...I know...just smile and nod, and we may survive to actually hunt the beast." He turned to the Nihilist, "I'm about to give you a very dangerous assignment Nihilist, while we smile, nod and distract him, you need to go around and pull the plug on his Microphone." After a careful application of a bazooka round, the Mic was silent, and there was much rejoicing as Dan became inaudible. Dave turned back to May Lee. "oh damn...the WereGecko...how'd I forget!?!" (OOC: Sorry about that Will...forgot...) Will popped his head up, "OOOOH. He. Went. Tooo. Gettt. Aaa. Ship." "Anywayz, lets begin our search," said KiZeR. "So, what excately are we doing again?" asked Magnus. "We're going in and we're gonna find a nerd in there who knows something about kaiju. Then we beat what we wantto know out of him. Surely he'll know if either Klugman or his parents have been sighted and where we might find them now." "What about HQ?" "What about it?" "Um...its been taken by some chicks calling themselves the Ex-Men." "Bah, rediculous! Its impossible to operate the elevator and certain doors without proper FUBAR training. They're still stuck in the lobby I bet! Just send in a few Demolition Ducks, a dozen I.O.U. ninjas or a single drunken bagpipe player, problem solved. We've got bigger fish to fry!" ------------------ More than a few FUBARians reacted this way upon hearing news of the resent events at HQ. They will soon realize how wrong they are. Somehow, the Ex-Men know the FUBAR ways. But how can this be? *Fwooshhhh* Namic stepped out of the toilet stall as choas and madness that was going on around the HQ. "Stupid paper work. While everyone goes monster hunting I'm left doing jack. I don't see why I couldn't have been allowed in the briefing. I mean I kept the engines running back at the battle of Nim's base and I get stuck with red tape." After washing his hands Namic opened the door just as an armed trans-gender terrorist walked past. Namic quickly shut the door, unseen by the she-male. "Damn, I guess that announcement was right. And I thought it was a bad practical joke." Suddenly another toilet was flushed. Namic looked over ready for whoever was in the other stall. His eyes widened as the person opened the door. "Oh, #1, you're still alive? I thought you were killed when the rear weapons accidentally went off� Well it wasn't really an accident." #1 stood at attention and answered. "SIR! I was able to survive when the pulses of the weapons, combined with the radioactive clog formed a miniature rip in the space time continuum that put me in a safe location." Namic sighed. "I'll buy it. There's already enough plot holes to sink Atlantis." Namic said, completely disregarding the fourth wall. "Well we have an advantage #1. You see I've learned from several movies that no matter how elite a terrorist group is, or how well they may have search the building there's usualy 1 or 2 persons that are never accounted for, who manage to be a large monkey wrench in their carefully laid plans. "Now before we start sneaking around the duct system and taking out people we'll need to get our hands on some weapons." Namic walked back to the restroom door. "Now, a few moments ago a she-males walked past here. If she, he or whatever if following the standard guard pattern then it'll walk past here again. Now factor walking speed with the length of the hall. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, and now." Namic kicked the door, slamming the ex-man as she/he walked by. "Hurry up and help me carry it in." Moments later Namic and #1 carried in the unconscious ex-man. Namic removed any weapons he could find. "Ok, now that I'm armed we'll need a plan. I could really use a group of expendable guys to cover my ###." "SIR! We could find the Lemming Squad." #1 reported back. "The Lemming Squad?" "Yes SIR! You've meet them, they were the red shirted crewmembers. Since we're extremely expendable no one really cares that much about us." "So a bunch of guys in red shirts are going to take on the Ex-Men?" "Not red shirts, SIR! We'll have our special white battle armor that provides no real defense along with large helmets that restrict our vision." "Good idea #1. Now I'll sneak through the safety of the air ducts while taking out ex-men MGS style and have witty banter with their leader through that sap's radio when they call for a status report. You'll run down through the building, as loud as you can and if possible yell insults that's sure to piss them off and make them shoot at you. If you manage to stay alive then the Lemming Squad can join in what will probably be a climatic battle." Namic said to #1 before crawling into the ducts. The Laundry Room. Large piles of clothes lie around the floor, steaming slightly, and in the case of Magus', slowly fermenting due to his habit of using yeast as deodourant. Holding his nose, Nihilist walks in, wearing a large pair of surgical rubber gloves. Grabbing a couple of 'wife-beater' vests, he exits quickly, looking faintly disgusted. Whether it's the smell, or the fact that Twiggy wears Tartan Jockstraps most of the time, noone can tell. "Nihilist, what are you doing?" "The building is under attack by an evil terroist organisation. Therefore, according to the rules of Bad Unoriginal Movie Plotline (BUMP�, there have to be two undiscovered members of FUBAR crawling around in the air ducts, shooting bad guys, getting shot more times than any normal person has a right to be, before surviving to kill the head bad guy in a quasi-scary manner." "Yes, fine, with you so far...why the vests" "You HAVE to be in a vest. It's in the rules somewhere. If you don't then you bound to get killed half way through scene 2. Under no circumstances can the hero have anything in the way of decent military gear, as if he does, he becomes an 'Expendable Good Guy' (EGG�. So whoever is in the airducts, they need vests." Nihilist opens the nearest air duct and drops the vests in. "How do you know they'll find the vests?" "BUMP�. Never fails. Now, what's going on with the whole, 'Savage Evil Progeny of Scary Monsters' thing? Are we going fishing or what? I'm getting bored, and all these Ex-Men are getting in the way of the vending machines." Dan the Fishin Man/Devouring One looked over his assembled crewmembers...indeed, soon, they would be ready to set sail into battle. Doc and May Lee were manning the Spam Cannons on either side of the vessel. The perfect weapon in Dan's eyes. After all, you get more Ammunition hourly in your E-mail...most of which has a form of sexually explicit statement in the Topic Line...at least in Dan's E-mail. Will the Weregecko was busy making smoothies for the enjoyment of the crew as Will the Joke Assassin silently did what most agreed was the least dangerous course of action for the health of the crew: Absolutely nothing. Wiseass Dave leaned against the side of the ship, dropping Radioactive Mulch into the sea. "I swear...How could a massive sea creature even begin to LOOK at this ####?" He did not notice as a Giant Shark shot up to the surface, scarfing down the mulch he had previously thrown...Will the Joke Assassin simply stared behind Dave in mortal fear as the Jaws� lookalike stood meer inches away from the Mighty Wiseass. The entire crew of the Newly named K.C.S. I P Freely looked on in terror as the giant Shark looked back at them. Dave looked at the terrifyed looks of his fellows, blissfully ignorant of the terror behind him. He finally spoke, moments later, "What? Did the writer just steal a scene from Jaws or somethin?" He turned around to face...the open sea. He turned back, "Now, unless someone pulled off THAT old Cartoon trick, I don't think we have anything to worry ab..." A loud crashing noise occurred as the Giant Shark leapt up, Swallowing the Wiseass in a single bite. Dan the Fishin Man snorted, "Idiot. The wiseass is supposed to SURVIVE...Its the gung-ho ANTI-SHARK who gets waxed...Well, come on. Lets go save him from ANOTHER giant sea creature..." The Spam Cannons opened fire as the Hunt for the Dead Mocktober began... Magnus was uncomfortable as he walked into the O2 bar. He could feel his very life energy being drained from him. The air was clean no smell of smoke, pee and beer. He half expected his personal kryptonite Soberguy to spring from around the corner and cause him to lose all his powers again. The air of sobriety was almost overpowering. Well one thing was certain, there where plenty of geeks, but some things would need to be adjusted... Twiggy you and Kizer grab a geek; I'll be right back.. Magnus walked out to the Fubar van, he had an angle� He found some garden hose and threaded it into the gas tank. He was not siphoning he was taking a drink.. He had been distilling mead into a 200 proof alcohol over the last couple months, for a very specific reason, and they had gone and filled the fubar van tank with it. Well time to reveal it's true purpose. Magnus took a pull, as distasteful as it was to drink alcohol from a straw he suffered through it. The alcohol tasted quite refreshing as it burnt the lining from his mouth and throat. He took a second pull, this one longer and deeper. He felt the change take him. He had taken on a mead berserk before but nothing like this. He felt his already dulled intellect shrinking away. He knew there was only one thing these geeks would respond to. He watched as the fubar van shrank away until it looked like a matchbox car. He felt his muscles twist and deform. His armor morphed into a more mecha like form with rippling muscle showing between the plates. He had known that he would have to become a giant monster to elicit a response from geeks such as this, as they would not respond to a beating they had been beaten their whole lives, and developed quite a tolerance for it. They would die before talking, and they tended to die quite easily. Inside Kizer and Twiggy where busy trying to select just the right geek, when they spotted a table of pasty looking types huffing O2 in the corner and talking about giant monsters. A look passed between Kizer and Twiggy, they had found their targets. Kizer wondered what was taking Magnus so long, but figured they could get a response from the geeks. Twiggy agreed and they walked up to the table of Kaiju Otaku. A quartet of pasty geeks each in their favorite giant monster t-shirts muttered something about the coming of Klugman as Twiggy and Kizer approached. Kizer snapped to attention �What was that geek? Tell us or your going to get the beating� Immediately the whole bar went silent. Someone used the �G� word�. All eyes turned to Kizer, and Twiggy. This was about to get ugly. Just then the roof literally blew off the place. Foul fumes of alcohol crept into the O2 bar from the now absent roof. Then a huge helmeted head with red squinty eyes peered over the opening, a long beard and longer hair flowed out of the helm. Mechaesque armor gleamed in the sun. A rolling belch echoed from the creature, and more foul alcohol stench rolled in. Twiggy and Kizer looked up on the figure looming over the building. Both of them knew the figure, but could not believe their eyes. They had seen and heard of Magnus� alcohol induced transformations but nothing had prepared them for this. They looked at each other and simultaneously the same words came from their mouths. �Dear god it�s Magnus..� Magnus looked down on the crowd alcohol dulled his thoughts but he recognized Twiggy and Kizer. He could not quite figure out what he was supposed to do though. He knew he wanted to destroy this place for calling itself a bar and not having alcohol, yet he knew he had to wait. Below the geeks stood in awe at the mighty creature above them. Instead of fear they stood in awe. They had all dreamed of at some time coming in contact with a real giant monster, or robo, and Magnus appeared to be a twisted combination of both in his giant armor. Magnus pointed to Twiggy and Kizer and grumbled in a deep resonating voice, �Friends�� The geeks where now anxious to answer Kizer and Twiggy�s questions. They quickly told all they knew about the coming of Klugman, which was next to nothing. They where not sure what a Klugman was or when it would come, but they all where anxious to see it. Magnus leaned on the rim of the building yawning as Twiggy and Kizer collected info. As Twiggy and Kizer got their fill of useless information, Magnus became irritated, as geeks began to swarm around his feet. One word came from his mouth, �Done?� Twiggy looked at Kizer and nodded. Magnus said just one more word, �Out..� With this Twiggy and Kizer took their leave. The bar now free of friendlies but still full of annoying geek fanboys, would feel Magnus� wrath. First his large feet made short work of the geeks around them, turning them to putty. Next Magnus drew back his fist and sent it crashing into the center of the bar. The walls fell in crushing and trapping the geek fanboys. Magnus crashed down on his huge but, and looked at Twiggy and Kizer and muttered, �Coffee.. now..� Nihilist stands on the baot, unsure as to the best course of action. Then inspiration hits him "OW! May Lee, did you have to do that?" "Sorry Nil. I'm still working out how this cannon thingy works. Waht do you think this button does?" "No idea. Push it and find out." "Hokay" Click WHAM! "OK, so that button fires all the available ammo at once, in a big circle. Now what do we do?" "I guess we need some more ammo." "Hmmm...Doc?" "Huh? What? I didn't do it! Agghhh! Badgers! Everywhere! Following me around with spoons!" "Medication. Left pocket, three pills." Gulp "Thank you." "Don't mention it. Now, can we borrow your ducks for ammo. We accidently lost all the spam." "I suppose. But it won't be much good underwater. Ducks aren't waterproof." Nihilist holds up a large roll of sellotape "Not yet." "Ah" And so the search for coffee began. Luckily, just a few blocks down, KiZeR noticed a small shop called "Alice's Coffeehouse." The group had to carry Magnus' bloated form, as he was far to drunk to walk on his own. Finally they reached the bistro, but in the upside-down world that is Science sector, would even ordering a simple cup of Joe be so easy? "Could we get some coffee?", said Twiggy to the cashier. The women shot a puzzled look at the gnome. "Its not called that in Science sector," said KiZeR. "Let me do the ordering, I knew how to speak some Geek." "Five venti triple lattes for my friend here, and a quadruple expresso," said KiZeR to the women behind the counter. "I'm sorry, we don't serve that." "What kind of coffeehouse is this? What do you serve?" "Well, today's special is Purple haze. And I'd recommend the Turkish hash," said the cashier. "Purple coffee? Geez, you nerds need to stop playing God!" "Um...its not c-" "Turkish coffee is pretty strong," noted Twiggy. "We'll take it. And we'll have a few of those brownies, too." Edited by KiZeR on Jan. 06 2003,17:32 Unfortunetely, the battle was, unlike as promised...NOT on HBO. Around the time that LotFU Student Dave and The White Ninja were battling for supremacy on the FUBAR HQ roof, a massive explosion occurred at the very top. A set of Ex-men quickly checked to see what had happened...their bodies were later found at the bottom of the FUBAR HQ with "" faces printed on their stomachs...in blood. But the other Ex-men ignored this, noting that whatever had dealt this damage had long since left. This was signified by the large, man shaped hole that was in the ground by FUBAR HQ. Chances were that his connection with the FUBAR, be he friend or foe, had allowed him to break the "Funny Barrier" and land in China Town, Khazan. However, this is merely Supposition. What isn't supposition was Wiseass Dave's reaction while he was inside the belly of a Giant Shark. He spoke aloud as he lit a match, "I feel a disturbance in the Farce...it is as though a million gamers threw down their controllers in disgust and screamed in defiance..." He suddenly realized that there was no chance for him to get an academy award for saying this when no one was around. And he was most DEFINETELY not going to get "Best Supporting Actor" if he wasn't supporting the actors. He looked up to where he hoped the KCS I.P. Freely (The Ship) was... "Help me Any One...you are my only hope...goddamn it why do all the giant monsters attack ME?" "Hold still you little feathered....gotcha! Right, I think that's the last of them. They're a bit sticky in places, but they should work." "Nihilist, remind me to never let you wrap my christmas presents." "Remind me not to buy you any." "Guys, I hate to hurry you on this, but can we try and remember about Wiseass Dave?" "Doc, everything is under control. All we have to do is lure the monster a bit closer to the surface, then shoot it with these waterproof ducks until it explodes. Wiseass Dave should float out of the exploded scary monster remains, so we pick him up, make him have a wash, and we're done. Simple." "How are we going to lure the monster to the surface?" "I've tied a rope around Will the Joke Assassins leg. We kick him into the sea, and then tow him behind us for a bit. I'm sure a big scary monster like this one isn't going to be satisfied with Wiseass. He's too skinny. We'll just have to make sure we yank Will out before he gets eaten." "Sounds good." "I'm in." "Hang on a min-" Boot SPLASH! "Keep your eyes peeled. We're going big monster fishing." "Man, I didn't think crawling through the friggin air ducts was this uncomfortable." Namic had been crawling through the FUBAR air ducts for several minutes, searching for some random ex-men to take out. He'd found the wife beater vest several turns back and was now wearing it. Just as he looked into one of the vents the radio Namic stole came to life. "Robert to Pat, come in. You're late for your status report" Namic pulled the radio from his belt. "Sounds like that's my cue." Namic said before answering the message. "I'm sorry, but Pat can't come back to the phone right now. He's too busy being my bitch." "What the hell? This channel is reserved only for guys who've been unjustly turned into chicks by FUBAR. Besides all my men have everyone accounted for." "Ah come on Robert don't you ever watch movies. Those lines are always open to every random guy who takes out the baddies. How else are we supposed to have witty banter? Plus no matter what there's always someone who's overlooked like a husband or a cook." Namic taunted through the radio. "Look, if you think you're going to single handily defeat us, you're sadly mistaken. My Ex-Men have trained for too long and too hard to fail now." Namic rolled his eyes. "Yeah well if the rest of you're crew is like Pat then I doubt you guys trained hard enough. Now I'm going to cut off the communications until after I've taken care of several more Ex-Men. By the way next time we chat can you talk in a bad eastern European accent and call me cowboy?" "WHAT? No I'm not going to call you cowbay. You're nothing but a FUBARian who's seen too many movies." Namic laughed. "OK, good use of a movie quote for you. Besides I'm not a FUBARian who's seen too many movies. My paperwork hasn't gone through yet, and I've been in too many video games, not movies. Also you should be on the look for a guy in a red shirt. He's running around the base looking to get some action. Make sure that if you find him he dies a horrible and bloody death. And if you can record it, it would be really great." Namic laughed as he put the radio back on his belt. "Well I guess the Ex-Men should be good for something." * * * "And I wanna do things that make you're mother cry." #1 yelled as he run down the halls of the FUBAR HQ. His bright red shirt had several rips and burn marks from the Ex-Men's weapons, but surprisingly he was still unharmed. He looked over at the unmarked door as he tried to catch his breath. "Finally, I found it. The rest of the guys must still be inside" #1 opened entered the unmarked room just as a barrage of bullets flew past him. And so the attempts to sober Gigantic Magnus began. First tried the Turkish "Coffee", but found it made him want to drink more alcohol, and made him very hungry. He also found himself giggling alot at very strange things. Twiggy and Kizer where noticeable disturbed by Magnus' booming school girl like giggles. They would be more disturbed in a very short time... It was then that Magnus felt an overwhelming desire to eat. He did not care what anything would do. Possibly some fried eggs... His huge hand snatched Twiggy who was holding the brownies and chucked him into his mouth. Magnus quickly spit out Twiggy not liking his hairy texture. A drenched Twiggy looked at Kizer disgusted. "What are we gonna do about this?" It was then that the smell of baked goods hit Magnus's enormous nostrils. He quickly stood and started a lumbering run towards the source of the smell. Several small buildings where toppled in his wake. Many Asian people stood, pointed, and screamed, their mouths not matching their words. Three blocks of mayhem latter Magnus found his quarry a Krispy Creme Donut shop. He ripped the top off like a giant donut box and sat eating like a fiend and giggling hysterically. Kizer and Twiggy caught up and looked at each other. "I never would have expected a Krispy creme in science sector" Twiggy replied "Yeah they are everywhere now. Maybe they will have real coffee flavored coffee?" It was then that Magnus's addled mind recognized the tall silver cylinder with the tap at the bottom. "COFFEE!!!!" Magnus grabbed the hot cylinder, took the top off pulling the spent beens out. He proceeded to add a pound of sugar to the coffe and drank deeply. He tossed the spent cylinder on the ground and relaxed against the side of the building. The transformation was quick. Magnus shrunk down to his normal size, his mechaesqe armor returning to normal. He was a little edgy and kinda paranoid, but no longer a gigantic menace to the sector. Just a normal menace to the sector. Now that Magnus was somewhat back to normal, the hunt could continue. "Alrite," said KiZeR. "What have we learned about Klugman so far?" "Jack, and ####." "Well said, Magnus. It seems everybody has heard about it somehow, but nobody's actually seen him. We have no reports of villages being smashed in the middle of the night. Everybody says Klugman has already been born, but no one has any real evidence to lead them to that conclusion. Everyone says they've only heard of Klugman through word of mouth and posts in message boards. Very strange." "So what does this all mean?" said Twiggy. "Don't know. I think its time we track down his parents. Luckily, the geeks told me exactly where they live. Let's bounce, guys. We're headed for Monster Isle!" Wiseass Dave looked at Will the Joke Assassin. The Joke Assassin looked at Wiseass Dave. The Assassin was suspended within the shark's belly, hanging by a rope. David had a Warhammer. The resulting decision was simple. David had a new pinata. Smashing the Joke Assassin against the shark again and again, he came to another realization. This wasn't getting him out of the shark's belly any faster, and he was out of funny. Silently, he wondered where he could find more ammo. There HAD to be something around there somewhere... "I thought you were going to pull him up!" "I thought you were!" "Well I wasn't. Here, take some of your ducks down to Wiseass and Will. They might be able to blow this thing up from the inside." "OK. HANG O-" BOOT SPLASH! GULP! "Doc is on the way boys. And he's bringing ducks. I just don't think he's very happy about it." Nihilist lights another cig and leans on the railing to wait for the fun to start. Do do do doooo do doooo do waaaaah... Wiseass Dave smiles as a small tube shaped object falls out of Will's shirt pocket. It doesn't matter what comes, freshness better in life, with Mentos freshness full of life! Smiling to the camera, he pulls out his .50 Desert Eagle of Excessive Force. A second roped figure falls through the Shark Mouth, easily recognizable as Docnfoid. Taking the tube, he pops a small white circle into his mouth. Mentos Freshness! Full ooof freshness! Mentos freshness full of life!!! David notices the Ducks in Docnfoid's hand, and shoots a single round into the nearest one... Meanwhile on the I.P. Freely, Nihilist smokes his cigar...a shockwave spreads over the water as three figures are launched out of the water. Blood covers the area, obviously the remnants of one enormous shark. David makes a perfect 4.0 landing (And even the NINJA judge gives him a 10 for FLIPPING OUT) while holding the strange tube in the air. The jingle comes to a close. Mentos: The Mess Maker. Moments later, Will the Joke Assassin lands beside him in a heap. Docnfoid is better off, landing directly on top of Dave... "What took you guys so long?" Dave replied from under Docnfoid, "The crux of the biscuit is the apostrophe." "Everybody gather around me...", said Twiggy as he presented his remote control teleportation device. In a flash, he, KiZeR and Magnus found themselves on Monster Isle, right in front of the Shloym-Hydra residence. "Of all the things I expected a monster's home to look like, this is probably the last thing that came to my mind." "Damn, that's one big white picket fence." Before the three was a duplex, with wood panel siding and a backyard. In every way, it looked like the suburban dream home, the kind of thing you'd see in a 50's sitcom, except it was gigantic. Blades of grass in the front lawn where the size of tree. The house itself could fit a small city. The door was 500 feet at least. "Umm...how the heck are we going to ring the door bell?" �We needed a change of pace. We needed some serious footage for the full length movie feature. We also needed a clue about what was actually happening. Willie had been stuck in the headquarters for quite awhile now. Unfortunately the powers of the band were not powerful enough to overtake the awesome beauty of these transvestites turn this way due to our doing. The Whoopee Cushion of Sleep only worked for a few moments. Time for a neat escape.� Um, Will? �Yes, Banquo?� Why for art thou talking in the third person? Willie looked up in the air at the question in ponderous thought. It was questionable yet, uncouth. He made weird noises as he spoke in the third person point of view, all the while playing with the arrow through his head. Banquo shook his head� To the WANG Cave! the what? Just go with it� With that Banquo and Willie avoided the prodings of the beautiful beautys of beautifulness and headed to the holodeck bridge. Willie went to the bookcase within and pulled out a book that was titled; �Sanity for Dummies�. The bookcase turned and with a dash they both entered the WANG cave. Fortunately it was easy to describe the place to Banquo for Willie was still talking in the Third Person POV. Banquo shuddered, already weary of the ruse. Just as Willie began to explain it the Band upstairs began playing. Nothing could be heard. Legistics. Cave specifications. How the hell it was built. And yes all the goodies within were explained. But nothing could be heard. Just the noise from above and the occasional yelling of the lead singer� �Living on a Sex Farm!!!� Willie and Banquo leapt into the WANG mobile and sped off in the very phallic car. The car shot out of the ground easily and immediately transformed into a jet plane thingy. Banquo looked at Willie in confusion. Wha? You haven�t seen the 80�s cartoon �Mask�? Banquo smiled and nodded. He noticed not ammunition of supplies for Monster destroying nor anti headquarter take over weapons. He found a movie camera and several reels. Instantly Willie had changed hats. He became director Willie. OK, this is what I want for the first shot� alls you have to do is keep the camera perpendicular to the car facing outwards, and I�ll fly this baby to all the points of interest� got it? Banquo set the camera. Begin Gratuitous scenic fight scene now� Pan left, shot of the headquarters. Peering through the glass. Women on the ground holding their ears as the Band plays; starts their next song setting the amplifiers to 11. Zoom out slightly� Windows explode outwards and secretary is seen running from the noise. Zoom in on the face and her Bountiful, gorgeous, plentiful � uh� eyes. Camera angle ascends and reaches the tip of the headquarters 69th floor. John Wu style ninja fight scene. Complete with every shogun weapon ever thought of in a movie sequence. Fight angles changing to emphasize the emotion and ignore the stupidity. 10 minute fight to the sound of heavy metal being played downstairs. �Majesty of Rock�� remember to get the rights on that song� Camera zooms out and follows a single bird in the air trailing the horizon. The sun gives off that beaded light movie panning thing as the camera goes into slow motion passing by the Science Sector Krispee Kreme shoppe. Give ample amount of time for viewers to crave the fruits of our chapter 3 sponsor. Moving on now Picket Fence side. Quick view of the goal which our villains must defeat. Klugman of evil� giving off a face of �I�m evil, just look at mah picture and you�ll agree.� OK, enough about him. Scene change, following same bird into the Lowtown park where it flies down and lands in front of an old man feeding the birds. Now brace yourself, I don�t have control over the vehicle anymore� I�m going to press the eject button before we crash into that there building� �What?� SCHPLOOOIIIING ------------------------------------ Mr. Graves got his scenario for the ME, now here�s mine! The kindly gentlemen watched the crazed phallic looking vehicle crash into a nearby building. He also saw the two idiots in FU insignia parachutes floating off into the distance. Fortunately, the noise and carnage didn�t scare the birds away. He went back to feeding the birds. Something was different though. Someone had sit down on the other end of the park bench. Clothes tattered and bloodied from battle, he lounged back and shook his head in stupification. He obviously also witnessed the car, and unbeknownst to the older man, knew the passengers. The Fellow decided to start a conversation, for he didn�t actually see evil in this newcomers eye, just uncertainty of a true path in life. I�m a Wizard mind you� Jason wasn�t in the mood to talk� �Really�� Of course, why else would I wear this ridiculous looking hat? Jason looked at him, finally making eye contact� He immediately liked this person, and chuckled to himself, though said nothing as he turned to look at the birds. The �Wizard� tossed him a slice of bread. He looked at it, broke it up and fed the plump pigeons starting to corral around him now too. It was a new feeling. Peaceful. Yes there was the blaring of fire engines and the commotion of what a flaming and collapsing building would do to a moment like this. But, it was blocked out by both. He flicked the last piece to a smaller bird and arose from the seat. He smiled at the gentleman, who smiled back, and he began to walk away. Just within earshot of the bench he heard the birds starting to squawk loudly, followed by popping noises. He turn to find blood and feathers filling the sky around the old man. He was desperately trying to help them. Save them. Jason looked down to his hand and realized that this was his doing. When he looked up a very saddened and yet anger filled Wizard was looking back. Old men from other benches, unnoticed before, began to surround Jason. His eye began to glow, his mind instinctively sensed the eminent danger but the reality was, that this was something that he did not want to happen� It was too late to talk. I didn�t mean to� ---------------------------------- Meanwhile, from the depths of the ocean, not far from where the last chapter ended an unnatural being came to life once again. His first words being thus; ####### #### ### ###### Motha ####### piss ### that ####### sucked! Twiggy, KiZeR and Magnus stood before the insanely huge cottage on Monster Isle, pondering how they were going to ring the door bell, which must have been at least 20 stories up. "Stupid teleporter." Twiggy cursed under his breath. The device was on the fritz again, teleporting up just wasn't possible. "Can any of your guys fly? KiZeR and Magnus shook their heads. After a power hour of pounding spirits and pondering possibilities, Twiggy finally exclaimed: "Yereeka! Why don't we build a catapault out of those giant blades of grass in the lawn?" And so production commenced, and in no time at all, the catapult was constructed. Using his supreme level detective ability and his great trigonomic math skillz, KiZeR was able to calculate the persice angle the to set catapult so it could launch Twiggy (who was the lightest and most durable of the three) directly at the doorbell. And so Twiggy was launched, his small form flying through the air like a missile, getting ever closer to his destination. When he was close enough to see, Twiggy noticed that there were in fact two buttons! One had an inscription above it which said "Schloym-Hydra residence". Unfortunately, that was not the button he was hurtling towards. The second button also had an inscription above it, and just before Twiggy colided with it, he was able to read what it said. It said: RESET ------------------------- And everything was back to the way it was the day before, as if nothing had ever happened. The End The moral of the story: Wrather, rinse and repeat. Always repeat. And that's news to me. |