| Chapter 2 Commander � DMOD Writers � Nihilist, Twiggy, Namic, Lord Thayer, MightyMeatyMan, Docinfoid, Kizer, Soberguy Magnus Jager, The FUBAR membership turned to their new commander. Wiseass Dave nodded. �Banquo. It is an honor to be in command on this day. LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED BAY-BEE!� Loud Techno music began playing as the room transformed. It appeared to become an old fashioned �Situation Room�, AKA, the Room full of Hi-Tech equipment, radars, Tons of TV screens, etc. It was reminiscent of the Missile Command and Arcade Defense Center in design�but without the dozens of Clich� Government Workers yelling about any two dozen things. The Wiseass smiled, �Now�our first act of business�� It was then that the First Stooge of the Apocalypse realized that he had made a crucial blunder in the very opening moment of his time as Commander of FUBAR. He hadn�t taken the time to figure out what exactly he was going to do for his time in command. Desperate for an idea, he said the only thing he could think of� �We�re going to leave Lowtown, and ride this baby to�� Suddenly, a new voice resounded throughout the small room�LotFU-Student-D charged in. �RANDOM NINJA #512 HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!� Cried the FUBAR Martial Artist. Wiseass Dave promptly gave much thanks to whomever had granted him this wonderful boon. +++ �So�this is your headquarters?� A somewhat short man dressed in an excellent Suit-Tie combination nodded, �A bit too much like the enemy�but then�they�ll never expect it here, will they?� �Well Nim, I�d say you�ve outdone yourself. So why do you need *my* group?� Nim, a man unheard of since the Nimball Tournament, smiled at his guest, �Before we continue, do you have a name besides �The White Ninja�?� The White Ninja shook his head, �None you deserve to know. Now answer the question.� Nim waved his arm at the surrounding Island Fortress. �We have many things in common, you and I. We both believe in rationalism, we both dislike various�groups�and we both desire to conquer this world and make it our own. Right?� The White Ninja did not move or speak. He simply stood, looking at Nim impassively. �Very well, allow me to put it like this. I have a high profile Clan Hostage. I happen to have an extreme dislike of the FUBAR. You do too. I�m willing to pay you. You are willing to be paid. Our men work together, your Grey Ninja with my machine gun toting bruisers. We both beat the crap outta the FUBAR. We both win. What do you say?� Said Nim. The White Ninja nodded, �Very well. We shall work together, you and I�and together we will destroy their organization�and none shall stand in our way�� +++ Meanwhile, back at FUBAR HQ, a decision was made. Wiseass Dave addressed the group, �We will not leave that Ninja behind! All of his siblings died in�various�wars! We can�t let him die too.� They would have continued on�had the Wall Video screen not suddenly (And violently changed) There, standing before them�was a generic guy in a suit. �BEHOLD!� He cried, �I AM NIM! HEAR ME LAUGH! Hah�oh screw it.� The FUBARians stood there, watching for a moment. Nim cleared his throat, and began to speak, �As you have probably already noticed, Random Ninja #512 is missing from your headquarters. Well, look no further, FOR I HAVE HIM IN MY CLUTCHES!� The FUBARians gasped. Nim continued, �Now�here are my demands. I demand that you return my balls to me�� Willie piped up on the FUBAR end of the discussion, �But Dave�s having so much fun holding them�� Nim cursed, �Return the Nimballs. And I will let the Random Ninja go. Fail to do so�� Nim made a slicing motion over his neck. Banquo shrugged, �Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.� �SILENCE!� Cried Nim, �You will deposit the Nimballs in my Island of Terror by sunset tonight. Now, goodbye.� The channel cut off. The uproar was immense. May Lee had been hiding behind Docnfoid, who was clutching a pair of Demolition Ducks. Banquo was sitting in his chair, shrugging at Nim�s threats. LotFU Student D was making a disjointed speech on the appropriate type of vengeance. Sloth was discussing with Twiggy and Magnus about the finer points of Asskicking, as Kizer began talking with Aki over the return of certain� �Photos�. Wiseass Dave quickly made a phone call to the Missile Command and Arcade Defense Center. On the Large TV screen appeared none other than General Disorder. The various FUBARians quieted down. �General Disorder, were you able to�� The Crusty old general interrupted, �Its worse than I feared, not only are we out of two-ply toilet paper, but the boiler�s on the fritz�� �NO General, were you able to trace NIM�s call?� �Son, as you can see, things are pretty hectic around here, now, we know he�s somewhere between Timbuktu and Tahiti.� Wiseass Dave sighed� �General, get me a map of Khazan, and mark all the tiny islands where fortresses of sorts have mysteriously sprouted up.� General Disorder responded, �Sir, do you really think that�ll work?� Wiseass Dave nodded, �I don�t think. I�m a Wiseass.� 3 hours later, the FUBAR HQ was motoring itself toward a small island off the coast of Mainland Khazan. Wiseass Dave put out another order this time: Anyone who noticed the various plot holes and inconsistencies in the start of the mission was to be shot on sight. Anyone who noted the fact that they shouldn�t be risking their asses over a Random Ninja was to be burnt at the stake. And anyone who tried to get a cup of Latte while they were traveling would get�a stern talking-to. Needless to say, nobody really cared anyway. Wiseass Dave went over the Plan as the HQ was anchored near the isle. �Right, now, as you can see here, we�ve got a bunch of WWII surplus DUKW Landing Boat/Cars, and those LCVP landing Craft Thingy. The DUKs can be driven onto land and act as armored cars, no problem there. The LCVP�s however, are those troop landers you saw in Saving Private Ryan. You know, the part where all the guys are puking and the boat�s front opens up, and all the troops get slaughtered before they can get on the beach? Think that. Please, no one ask why we use them�just accept. Now, the front few cars and boats will be full of Clan Ninja. Docnfoid, May Lee and the Ducks will be pulling off strafing runs and bombing runs against the beach defenses while Willie, Banquo, The Three Stooges of the Apocalypse, Nai/DeDestroyah, Kizer and Will the Weregecko move up the beach in the with the surving Ninja. The ninja will probably all get slaughtered, being the extras that they are, however, I expect the rest of you to be able to take the beachhead in a rather wacky and zany manner�� �Yo Dave!� Sloth grunted, �What about us?� Wiseass Dave nodded, �You, Magnus, Twiggy, and LotFU-Student-D have a most dangerous mission. While we hit the beachhead and slowly move up to Nim�s HQ searching for Random Ninja #512, You will land�here.� He pointed to a small cliff face on the other side of the Island. �Any of you ever play NES Contra? Good, cause your mission looks exactly like the first three Levels. First level has you running through the Jungle outskirts, shooting the crap outta any minions that get in your way. You jump over exploding bridges, until you finally end up�here�at the base of a cliff. There�s a set of enemy perimeter defenses and a mini-base that you destroy, then you move on through Mini-base, smiting everything in your merry path. You destroy the Mini-base full of minions, extras, and possible Life Long foes/rivals for all time�s�t, I broke the fourth wall, didn�t I? Screw it. Anyway, afterwards you end up moving up a mountain path full of pointless waterfalls, minions, and enemy gunning emplacements�in the end, you meet up with the rest of us at the enemy�s main base.� �That doesn�t sound that hard.� Dave shrugged, �Well, to each his own. Get cracking Lady and Gentlemen! We want to have a serious WAR going on by this time tomorrow!" Nihilist and Dr Caraway raise a hand each. "OI! What are we supposed to be doing? We've just finished kitting out the FUBAR van, so where do you want us to drive it?" By any chance could you convert the van into a personel-vehicle carrier? It just occurred to me, that if we're gonna storm an island, we're gonna need boats! Either that, or Jesus is gonna have to carry us all to the island on his shoulders! "And that would most definately suck, my son," said the bearded man with the halo. Sloth turned to Twiggy. "You know, KiZeR's got a point. We need boats, and lots of them to carry all the cannon-fodder ninjas we're going to be transporting for this battle. How long will it take you to build a fleet using silly puddy, 25 5'x5' pilewood boards, a bottle of super glue and a few hundred dead batteries?" "Sorry, boss. No can do," the gnome said more than bit sheepishly. "What do you mean 'no can do'?" "Well, while I was born with MAD GNOME CRAFTING SKILLZ, everything I know about crafting I learned at Professor Union college (go PU Skunks! ). In case you're wondering, yes, the same Professor who was trapped on Gillian's Island for so many years." You're don't mean... "I'm afraid so. While I could built a homemade Gamecube, a mansion with centralized AC and a radio with nothing but coconuts and sand, for the life of me I don't know how to build or fix anthing that floats." The assembled FUBARians looked about the room, rubbing their chins, scratching their heads (and in some instances, picking their noses) in a desperate attempt to come up with a solution to the transportation problem. "Doesn't ANYONE have any ideas?" implored Wiseass Dave. A hand suddenly shot up from amongst the crowd. "Yes, you there in the back - go ahead..." "I half an igloo!" was the response, "We can jubilee gitch forty lungs and teepee them tomorrow. Then, owl we hag to dupe is mink a snail and the wing will crazy us to the Thailand!" Silence struck the assembled crowd as they struggled to make sense of the statement. "Okay, does anyone OTHER than Captain Gibberish have an idea?" asked Wiseass Dave. "I have an idea!" said another voice in the back. "We can probably get forty logs and tape them together. Then, all we have to do is make a sail and the wind will carry us to the island." Cries from Gibberish of: "Gut, that's wet Amway'd!", were ignored. Wiseass Dave sighed. "We have enough DUKW's and LCVP's to do the job...but then again, it would be real cool to do this in style. Ladies and Gents, I suggest you hurry, 'cause we've only got so much time before see to making their vague threat occur or something." Docnfoid spoke up. "I have a flying bus. Maybe we could make those cannibalizing the parts from the LCVP's and DUKW's....Or better yet, we could build a gigantic penguin submarine, or, better yet, a giant walrus hydrofoil!" Wiseass Dave grinned to the surrounding FUBARians. "Go ahead, have fun, as long as the LCVP's and DUKW's are present for the Opening Scene in which millions of Ninja will probably be slaughtered...You guys can show up in whatever way you want...AS LONG AS IT IS IN TRUE FUBAR STYLE" He sighed, "Now will you hurry up and find a method of arriving on the beach BEFORE we die of old age?" Willie looked around the room and saw no other bright ideas. Since brevity was the sole of wit Willie pulled up his tights and said one name... "Edward T. Gunner" They all looked confusedly at him flipping through the Rolodexes in their mind and still came up short. "Who?" "Freaky looking guy... likes guns and planes... swears more than Sloth..." "Who?" I�ll get him, don't worry... He'll drop the Trio and then join the air units. Which brings up a good question... Are the Demolition Duck Squadron ready for this type of precise mission? If not then the troops will need a really big Duck decoy plane to bring them to their target... I suggest bringing on Ed for this task as well." All the members were still trying to figure out who the hell this person was. "Is he FUBAR?" "His ways will definitely like ours, but he does not know yet that he will help us." "When were we going to tell him?" "Right about... now." Willie activated the sub space beaming thingy and Ed was dropped in the middle of the table. He slowly got up and looked around. "Well that's a first, what the #### is up with this ####? What the hell are you ### wiping fucknuts doing beaming me from Spike onto this shithole of a table? What the #### are you staring at Duckman? Who in God's ####### name did this? Who?" They all pointed quickly to Willie who had changed into a Generals uniform. Willie acted like Patton just for Ed. "Quiet down Captain, your skills in this mission will be most important so sit down and listen up." Ed, confused, looked at the bald General and took a seat in between Banquo and Sloth. "Unbeknownst to the rest of you, Captain Gunner here is the best in his class for not only antisuperhero protection but also flight control and squadron leader. If you need a drop down, you can count on Spike to do the job, is that correct Captain?" Still baffled but liking what he was hearing answered "yes sir". Anti-superhero... a mission. He was interested instantly. "Good, Commander Disaster, I believe we have solved some problems then? Oh, and the beach landing... the headquarters can rise up right on the beach... so I wouldn't worry about boats of that sort. Disaster, do you have any further orders before this mission will commence?" Wiseass Dave nodded to Willie. "Ladies and Gentlemen. We are about to embark on a great crusade. My first crusade is to find my speech notes, but YOUR crusade, is to wade about twenty feet off of the HQ, into shallow water to rescue Random Ninja #512. I assume you're all wearing floaties?" Everyone motioned to the floatation devices attached to their arms and legs. "Good. Now, Docnfoid! TO THE SKIES! BOMB THE F--K OUTTA THEM! The ninja Are already landing on the beach! CHARGE MY FUBARIANS! CHAAAAAAARGE!" The scene was a madhouse. Everywhere along the beach, DUKW's were driving up...however, their Ninja drivers had all been the ones who checked "Ninja Magic" under transportation, thus crashed into each other spectacularly. The LCVP's Landed their troops and departed, launching Cannon Fodder Ninja After Cannon Fodder Ninja up the beach. At the top of the beach was a set of fortifyed concrete bunkers, a set of Gatling-style machine guns protruding every few yards. Not to mention the numerous guys with machine guns. It was obvious to the FUBAR membership as they landed on the beachhead, amidst the burning and dying ninja, that there was serious work to do. Wiseass Dave signaled to Docnfoid and Ed in the air: It was time for a serious bombardment as well as Land Assault. Meanwhile, Twiggy, Magnus, LotFU Student D and Sloth were quietly herded onto their attack route by a long-suffering tour-guide. Their phase of Wiseass Dave's Two-pronged strike maneuver was now to begin: Starting with the opening slicing maneuver through the jungle full of machine-gun toting wannabe badasses. Docnfoid's bus launched out of the tube in the tip of the tower. He looked back at May Lee, who was strapped into the seat behind him. In the bus, in each seat, was strapped three Demolition Ducks. Docnfoid waved his arms, and the ducks lined up in the launch tubes. The bus tore through the air sideways, in helicopter strafing fashion, bombarding them with ducks. Unfortunately, he flew too low and was clipped by gatling fire. The bus flew back up into the air. "Wow, wasn't expecting that...." Docnfoid decided to try something different. He told the ducks to fly out the door. He parked the bus in the air, and the ducks filed out of the doorway. They landed behind the bunkers out of the immediate line of fire, but still too low in the brush to be seen by troops further back. They began assembling some sort of contraption on the ground near the bunker that started glowing. Meanwhile..... At an I Love Lucy convention on mainland Kazaa, many hundreds of women dressed as lucy wandered about. There were even some men there. They were dressed as Lucy too. There was a raucous of nasal screaming and such, when suddenly, a glowing blue ball formed in the middle of the auditorium. The lucies were pulled into it. Back at the battle.... The enemy troops were busily manning their guns, when behind them they heard "RIIICKYYYYY!!! WHERE ARE WEEE!!! WHO ARE YOU!? WAAARAAAAAAAAH!?" Nasal, nasal screaming. They turned to look at the woman dressed up as Lucy. They were trying to figure out where she came from, when several more appeared in the room, which quickly filled with them. It was impossible to work with that much noise, so Docnfoid grinned and directed a Demolition duck into the building. It blew up, propelling Lucies at the other bunkers. There were women and men dressed up as Lucy running all over the beach and wriggling into the windows next to the gatling guns, causing general chaos. "The plans during our last adventure may have been a total embarrassment- 'More embassassing for some then for others...' "There will be a reconing women! I will live to see those photos and the negatives destroyed! Erm...ok, as I was saying...our last adventure may have been a total embarrassment and failure, but we will not fail this time! My new plan is foolproof!" 'Insert joke here.' "Last time we tried to summon giant monsters with mini singing twin babes. However, there's more than one way to skin a cat, and more than one way to summon a kaiju! For that reason I have stolen/purchased a couple dozen nuclear bombs! By detonating them somewhere in the South Pacific, I'm bound to re-awaken/mutate/create at least one uber-powerful kaiju!" With that KiZeR pressed a button, and a blinding flash of light filled the horizon. Sure enough, a giant shark-octopus looking thing arrose from the sea. 'But how are we going to get the monster to attack the island where #512 is held?'' "Simple. Look up." Written in the sky was a message that read: "Tokyo ===>". The arrow pointed toward the direction of the island. "In addition, I have strategically placed pockets of toxic waste that lead a trail to the island. No monster will be able to help but follow the trail to the island." 'Ok, and how do we stop the monster from killing us all, friends, enemies and #512 too!' "Um...kill 'em all, and God will know his own?" 'You didn't think that far ahead, did you...' The FUBAR van carooms out of the tower at an insane angle, the 'Top Gun' theme music blasting out of the speakers. Just audible was the sound of two FUBARians screaming: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaa!" The van crashes to the ground, sending sand and Ninja limbs flying in all directions. The wheels spin frantically, sending more plumes of sand into the air. Eventually the wheels gain purchase on the sand, sending the van hurtling toward the battle lines. "We need a plan" "What, now? Can't it wait?" "Not really. There's this whole 'enemy-guns-death-ninja' thing to sort out" "I suppose you're right. What should we do?" "Well, I've got a six pack, a portable BBQ, and some chicken wings in the back. I figured we could have a bite to eat, and then contact Marc Dollar. See if we can sell him the film rights. I hear he's launching a new movie channel." "Sounds good. Park over there, next to that heap of dead ninja." "Right-ho" Wiseass Dave bravely grasped Will the Joke Assassin, thrusting him in front of the oncoming wave of enemy fire. Oblivious to his fellow stooge's screams, he saw a small puddle in the sand beside him. Normally, this would not have fazed him...however, usually puddles vanished incredibly quickly on a dry, sandy beach...so when the water began to shake, and a low rumbling noise sounded, he was fazed. As the noise grew louder, he slowly turned around, making sure to keep the loudly protesting Will in front of enemy fire. It was then he saw KiZeR's OCTOPUS OF DEATH. Cursing silently, he blinked, "F--k...what do you call a Giant Octopus? F--k, KiZeR had better have a name, AND an explanation for...OH SH-T!!!" The Wiseass made a snap decision. If he stayed where he was, he would be crushed by the octopus. If he ran forward, thick hided Will or no, he would be eventually mowed down by enemy fire. Thus, there was only one real option. Wiseass Dave implored the enormous Octopus as he ran toward the enemy machine guns, Will placed out in front, "EAT ME YOU SLIMY PEICE OF CRAP!!!" Dan/TDO looked on at them all...and finally voiced his opinion: "...I'm hungry..." Magnus, Tiggy, and Sloth swam up onto the deserted other side of the island beach. Dressed in full camo, and grease paint, swimming with knives in their mouths the came out of the water like ghosts. Twiggy was spitting salt water on the beach, muttering about why they just swam a mile with knives in their mouths, and cursing about the salt water ruining his beard. Sloth looked at the gnome, and then at Magnus, and said, �Some people just don�t know how to make an entrance.� Magnus nodded in agreement, as the gnome tried wildly to get a comb through his beard. Magnus had painted his face to look like some freakish bearded Alice Cooper, while Sloth had a more traditional camo pattern. Twiggy looked like a member of insane clown posse. Magnus pulled out his Contra � Machine gun, the kind where you never run out of ammo. Sloth already had his cradled in his arms like a big black metal baby. Twiggy was dwarfed by the size of his looking kind of like Rambo with the m 60 machine gun. Magnus had played Contra in the arcade and knew there would be a lot of running shooting and jumping. He figured the Shooting should make up for the other two activities. He also had his modified IMUG on his hip in case of emergency. He was pretty sure the Geneva Convention had rules against the IMUG, but what they didn�t know wouldn�t hurt them, and they had to save that random ninja. It was almost time to get started running into the jungle when Magnus got a craving for beer and jerky. He foraged up some plantains for starch and some jungle grains, luckily he had brought his own hops. He managed to craft a plantain lambique, a nice fruity Belgian style beer brewed with yeast and bacteria. Then he pulled out his jerky, mmmm Jerky, which he shared with his companions. It was then that, LotFU-Student-D came ashore. Magnus had not worked with D before, and was unsure of his intentions or purpose, but he was sure that D was a poor swimmer. Magnus wondered if D was there to keep them from killing thousands of people or to help them kill thousands of people. Sloth was far away in thought, (Further than usual). It seemed the Malt napalm/ exploding electronics incident had effected him more than we thought. (Perhaps it was twiggy�s devised that had fried his PC). Magnus decided he would have to get them moving in the right direction. The path ahead, looked very 8 bit, with poor resolution. That would have to be the Contra, NES area. Magnus had a bad feeling about being derezed to 8 bit graphics, but did not let on to the others. He figured the one to be worst effected would be Twiggy, as small characters translated worst. Magnus motioned everyone ahead to the zone, and walked though. The effects were dramatic, he now looked like a poorly pixilated, and low color version of himself. His hair and beard looked like a flat yellow smudge. Next came Sloth who now looked like one of those old 80�s wrestling game characters. As Twiggy came over the effects were just as Magnus had feared, he looked like Mario with a giant machine gun. Next came LotFU-Student-D, who looked kind of shimmery, with swirly colors, but still poorly rendered. And so they began running shooting and jumping. However the shooting did not quite make up for the running and jumping as Magnus had hoped, and several times they had to chuck the gnome over the exploding bridges. They all longed for a 3-d shooter, but they were trapped in a 2-d world. Flashback Twiggy is in front of a mirror, ready to apply the grease paint to his face. Openning up the jars he notices that a few paints are glowing. The glow had an almost hypnotic effect on Twiggy. He had to put it on. It would look just so damned cool. The thought that the glowing might make him an easy target in the battle to come never crossed his mind, for some reason. What Twiggy doesn't know, is that those cans of paint had been stored just a bit too close to a few pounds of plutonium. Their glow was a radioactive one. Through his skin, the grease paint is seeping into his bloodstream. Poisoning his senses, changing the chemicals in his brain, its beginning to have an effect on Twiggy's mind. -back to present- The onslaught of alien monsters seemed endless, but somehow they advanced still. Twiggy, despite not being able to jump as far or high as the others, proved a valuable member if the team. Because of his small size, he found it a lot easier to dodge attacks from enemies and had lost a lot less lives than the others. Luckily, Sloth had remembered to "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A, B, A, select, start" when they arrived on the beach, so losing a few lives wasn't as critical as it could have been. But it had not been a pleasant day so far for Twiggy. He had to swim a mile carrying a knife with his teeth, the salt water was wreaking havoc on his beard and the facepaint he used was chaving him like nothing he had ever experienced before. A few minutes latter, Magnus and Sloth heard laughter. A constant, creepy laughter that grew until they could hear it with the sound of gunfire. It was Twiggy. "Homicidal clowns neva, neva, eva DIE! AHAHAHAHA!!" "God damn it gnome! What the hell are you talking about!" "HAHAHAHAH- #### you!" Sloth and Magnus would have reacted to that remark, had he been listening. Their attentions where taken by that which stood before them, the first boss. A fortress, armed to the teeth, which fired bullets in all directions. The four hide behind a ridge to consider what their strategy should be. Magnus considered the monument to guns ahead of them. It was impressive for an 8bit rendering. Several guns that shoot in all directions. Magnus had noticed the Gnome�s lack of need to duck much due to his limited stature. Magnus jumped up to calculate the trajectories on the gun towers. His theory was sound. �Twiggy, you can stand between the trajectories of the towers without ever getting hit by any of the bullets. Hey are you paying attention to me?� Twiggy�s eyes had rolled most of the way into his head and a small bit of drool was running from his lip. Twiggy was absolutely rabid, and there was an erie glow coming off him, kinda like over microwaved chicken. But he was our only hope�. It was clear that Magnus had to bring Twiggy at least half way back to his senses, not all the way or he would not be willing to do the perilous mission. A simple fact of most early games is they are made for very specific parameters, while everyone else basically fit them Twiggy, was exempt from the basic geometry in this scene, and therefore could park in a safe spot all day shooting casually at the guns. Magnus did the one thing he could think of to revive the gnome, he poured beer on his head, as it had worked in the past. Twiggy revived slightly.. And seemed to at least acknowledge Magnus�s presence. �Now Twiggy we need you to stand 3 feet ahead of the rock and two steps to the right. I�ll even give you my Contra machine gun to give you multi shot power. � Twiggy nodded, well Magnus took it as a nod anyway. He handed Twiggy his Contra � Machine gun giving multiple shot power-up, and shoved twiggy ahead of the rock. Bullets zoomed within inches of Twiggy�s head, and at his feet but they all tracked around him, not one touching him. What happened next can only be told from mone slightly FU�d Gnomes perspective� Twiggy stood before the fortress, bullets flying everywhere except directly at him. His eyes focused. Twiggy had regained his senses, but he clearly wasn't himself. A cruel smile creeped across his face, his stare suggested equal ammounts of dilerium and rage. He then released a battle cry of pure Id. "ICP in tha MOTHAF*&%IN HOUSE!!!" He openned fire on everything. Everything he could see. The fortress, the trees, insects, the innocent woodland creatures (especially the innocent woodland creatures), all where caught in Twiggy's hot lead monson. To the beat of his gunfire, Twiggy sang dirty limericks, misogenistic rhymes, obsenity filled rap lyrics and talked trash about the mothers and sisters of seemingly everyone on the planet. Minutes of deafening explosions and carnage finally gave way to silence. When the smoke cleared, it was unclear as to whether the fortress was destroyed by the machine gun fire, or from the force of Twiggy's insane trash talk rap. "B!tch, you's a ho, and ho you's a b!tch. Everybody knows that you's a funky funky b!tch." LotFU Student D sighed as he put his guitar away...so much for the "Wailing Ninja Style." He was going to have to wait until the Mini-Base shootout before he got to killing things. Adjusting his 8-bit Gi, he spoke to Twiggy... "...if you do not cease with your vile speach, I may be forced to 'Wail' on my guitar and 'flip out, and kill stuff'." Magnus sighed with relief; D was apparently here to help with the body count. His prolonged silence had been creeping Magnus out for some time. "Watch out D the gnome is Wirery, and nigh indestructible, we have been unable to dispatch him as of yet. And he�s Half way useful, He�s only killed sloth once, and screwed up everyone�s gender. Hey wait a minute�� �So D what�s your idea? I cant� for the life of me remember what�s after this.� A slimy tenticle slithered around Wiseass Dave's waist and hoisted him up. Looking down, he saw the gapping mouth of the monster, filled with razor sharp teeth. As the creature devoured him, he heard a scream from Aki... "NO! Schloym is about to eat Dave!" Being moed down by enemy fire might have been less painfull, but Dave survived and now rested in the belly of the beast. Luckily, its digestive process was very much like that of a shark, and it could take months for the acids to kill him. Given the situation, many things could have ran through his mind, among them: 'How do I get out of here?', 'Are we winning the battle on the outside?' or 'How do we stop this monster from killing us all?' But no, the only thing on Wiseass Dave's mind was... "What kind of dumbass name for a monster is Schloym?" Edited by KiZeR on Nov. 19 2002,10:42 As Dave pondered his fate in the belly of the hideous Schloym, another beast swam awkwardly to shore. It's great scaly body instinctively following the trail of toxic goo left by the FUBARians, it rushed forward through the water with a speed that seemed contradictory to it's great girth. As it approached the island, it could hear the carnage going on ashore and yearned to once more cause some of its own. For many long months it had been kept prisoner in an inpenetrable fortress but now, freed from the shackles of its captors, its only thoughts were of rampaging and gratuitous property damage. As the shore grew nearer, it began to rise from the water, displacing the bloated, bloodied bodies of ninjas as it ascended into the cool sea air. As a head poked up from beneath the surface its blonde mane, wet and matted from the long swim, instantly sprang into a perfectly-styled coif of feathered beauty. A second head popped up from the water sporting pigtails and braces and then another - round and unattractive. By the time the fourth head emerged, an angry and rebellious look upon its face, its green scaly snake-like necks could be clearly seen as they thrashed about in the turbulent surf. At once, the massive reptilian body leapt up onto the beach as each head let out a terrifying shriek and it's razor-sharp claws dug into the bloodstained sand. Surveying the scene, it instinctively lunged for a group of terrified ninjas hiding behind the burned out shell of a FUBAR vehicle. Just as suddenly however, it stopped. One head had spotted another, more interesting target a little further up the beach. A giant octopus, tentacles waving about, terrorized the beach's occupants. As monsters are genetically pre-disposed to do, The Facts of Life Hydra belched flames of anger as it stormed towards its foe to engage in pointless giant monster battle! The various guards in the Machine Gun nests had finally managed to put down the Lucy Insurrection...but now they knew that this was the LEAST of their problems. A giant Hydra-esque thing was about to duke it out with a giant Octopus. They knew immediately that no matter how many shots they fired, they would not be able to harm either creature. Their sum experience in watching monster movies taught them THAT. But still, the remnants of the beach guard bravely fired upon the two creatures... ------ Wiseass Dave was having one of those days. His Will Shield was still on the beach, probably yelling "thanks" to the monsters for doing what he had failed to do several times in the past...He was in a stomach whose acids were so weak as to not work until 24 hours had past...and he was being thrown around everywhere by what appeared to be The Giant Octopi version of the Can-can. Either that, or it was dueling with a Giant Facts-of-Life-Hydra. Yes, it was indeed one of those days... He had a sudden realization. He was being bounced around in an octopus's stomach. He MIGHT give the creature indigestion... Smiling, he pulled out his Desert Eagle Magnum of Excessive Force, followed by his Paladin Warhammer...oh yes, he would give Schl-lol-oym...schlol....The Giant Octupus indigestion. Indegestion with extreme prejudice. --- LotFU Student D blinked as he looked at Twiggy. "Yeaaaaah....okay, NExt level: Mini-base. We run through the level, blowing open doors and killing stuff, till we reach a power core covered in defense guns. We destroy it, and then we move on to the Waterfall level...then we meet everyone else at the main base." Adjusting his NES Ryu from Ninja Gaiden outfit, he ran into the HQ with the other three, smiling as the Contra End of Level theme played: This time, as a guitar ensemble. Meanwhile, at a certain Headquarters on the island, others plotted. Nim looked on at the beach scene and the Minibase apathetically, the only thought on his mind being "How much will this cost me?" He sighed, "Leutenant, order the tank squadrons to support the beach defenses. We can't very well let a ragtag group of nutjobs break through, now can we?" He smiled...even THOSE monsters would have to worry about THESE tanks. The White Ninja materialized beside him. "An excellent idea, and what of your nearby outpost?" Nim sighed, "You DID station your Ninja there?" The White Ninja smiled, "Indeed. They will soon find that their 8-bit textures have become real life footage, and that they will be attacked by both your men...and my Ninja." Nim nodded, "I would not have come this close without you, you will be greatly rewarded when we succeed...how IS our guest doing?" The White Ninja pointed to a video monitor, which depicted Random Ninja #512 pacing in his cell. The White Ninja smiled, "I'd say he's feeling rather down right now. Now...I think its time we sent...THEM...to deal with the outpost situation." Nim replied, "Isn't it a bit early in the game to start chucking aces about?" The White Ninja counter-metaphored, "Not when this much is at stake. Trust me...it will be best to send...THEM." Nim nodded. It would be done, and soon...everything would be his. Twiggy, Sloth, Magnus and LotFu Student Dave entered the mini-base level and quickly realized something was different. No longer was everything 8-bit. "Now what?", wondered Magnus. For some reason, his mouth didn't move in time with what he said. "Hey, what's with your mouth? Hey, I'm doing it too!", said Sloth. "What does this mean?" Dave knew exactly what it meant. Ninjas. Lot's of 'em. "Our guns will have no effect here. Its going to be hand to hand combat until we beat this stage. But don't worry guys," Dave assured the others, "I know LotFu. It will require focus and mental dicipline to detect our opponents, without them, you will be helpless." Focus and mental dicipline, something in his current condition, Twiggy lacked. "Ninja punks can suck my $%^& if they ain't down wit the clown!", Twiggy screamed, running of ahead of the others. He was promptly thrown back by some unseen force, knocked out cold. Magnus was somewhat disoriented by the change from 8 bit to full resolution, and the bad ninja dub he was now experiencing. Twiggy was again prone on the floor, at least he was useful for the gun tower. Magnus gripped the handle of his rattan great sword, and sank into a defensive position, swinging his eyes from left to right. Sloth pulled his boot knife, and prepared for some righteous Yampu ### whoopin.. D was still in his Ryu robes, but they looked better in full rez. Then it began. Floods of ninjas all attacking one at a time, as is their idiom. Sloth had built up quite a pile of Ninja Pulp, Magnus had snapped many limbs and even managed do pop some heads. At one point 4 ninjas closed to with in range, which they only do in a manner that allows them all to be killed with one swipe. Magnus did a spin jump with his great sword, managing a simultaneous four head pop. All four heads hung in the air for what seemed like minutes. Magnus landed with his back to the ninjas, weapon out and to the left. Magnus thought this is so sweet� Several of the Ninjas lined up for Magnus shifted to other lines. They had realized the Gaijin with the blonde hair might not be the easy fight they expected. Meanwhile, and unbeknownst to Magnus, D or Sloth, some of the stealthier ninja�s grabbed Twiggy and threw him into a small sack. (Damn Sneaky Ninjas) (Queue evil sounding music, and Narrator�.) Will Twiggy escape? Will he have to be rescued? How many Ninjas must die before Random ninja 512 can be rescued? The Facts of Life Hydra roared menacingly as it pounced upon the giant octopus. Its Tootie head clamped down on a writhng tenacle and bit with her savage, brace-laden teeth. Razor-sharp claws dug into the beast's flesh as it reeled from the attack. Inside it's belly, Dave was being tossed around like a load of half dried laundry. Ninjas scattered, trying to put as much distance between themselves and the giant monsters. They might have been ninjas, but they were no dummies. The remaining beach guard however, WE'RE dummies, and charged through the sand towards the rampaging beasts, futily firing their machine guns as they went. The bullets zinged off thick moster hide. Schloym, not to be outdone, wrapped 3 tentacles around the Mindy head and began to squeeze. The Hydra roared in pain and anger as it began biting at the tendrils in an attempt to free it's ugliest head. In a flash, it had swung its tail around like a whip, knocking the Octopus to the surf with a mighty thud. Both monsters wrestled upon the ground, tentacles, tails and teenaged heads whipping about in a frenzied ballet of monster-sized carnage. As the battle reached its height, an unforeseen difficulty came to the fore. The heads and tenacles of the two beasts were hopelessly tangled, and both struggled in vain to seperate themselves. To make matters worse, dozens of tanks began to roll out onto the beach, just as the ninjas were beginning to turn the tide of the battle. There was a writing mass of heads and tenticles that destroyed everything in its path. The two beasts emitted growls of pure hatred. Then suddenly, it stopped. The still tangled monsters wiggled and rolled toward the beach and disappeared under the waves. "Um...what the hell just happened?", wondered more than a few on both sides of the conflict. "I think I know," said KiZeR. "What everyone thought was a grudge match to the death of two rival monsters, wasn't that at all. Rather, a brief sparring match is just a way of saying 'Hello' ...a monster's hand shake, really." "So you're saying those two are friends?" "Oh, more than that! I think we just witnessed true love at first sight. Those two have gone under the sea to find a place that's a bit more 'private'." "Ewww!!! Well, at least we're safe from being caught in the crossfire, and can get back to saving #512." "Yes, but...", KiZeR trailed off, not finishing his sentence. "But what?" "While we no longer have to worry about the Hydra and Schloym, I'm troubled by what the offspring of their union will be. But that's a problem for another day. I'll contact Conan O'Brian and make use of his 'If They Mated' machine after we've saved #512." ------------ Back at enemy HQ, the still unconscious Twiggy was brought before Nim and the White Ninja. "Another hostage...excellent. Put him in a cell in the dungeon. We'll interigate him when he comes to," said Nim. "The fools, they have no idea what they're up against!" (ooc- Soberguy, if you could mail me a picture of the Facts of Life Hydra, I'd much appreciate it) A groggy Twiggy openned his eyes to find himself strapped to a wheelchair. Nim and a man in a black mask, who could only be an expert torchurer, stood before him. "You're one kinky fat #$%&, aren't you B!TCH!!!" "Such impudence! But I doubt you'll be so fiesty when we're done with you." "Your mother said the same thing last night! But after I stuck my ^#$% up her @**, I had her mooing like the cow she is! Besides, we both know its only a matter of time before the others rescue me." "That's where you're wrong. Impressive as the FUBAR forces are, they are no match for the forces of the White Ninja and myself!" "FUBAR? $#%^ no, I'm not talking about them! I'm talking about my Juggalos. The entire Juggalo Nation is coming to my aid, and I wouldn't want to be your sphincter when they're done with you!" A sub-ordinate quickly burst into the room. "Sir! We're detecting another army, coming in from the north!" "A bunch of gutter-mouthed, rapping clowns? Am I supposed to be scared? We can take them." "You and what army, b!tch?" "Funny you should mention the word 'army'", Nim chuckled. Walking calmly to a nearby panell, he gave a command over the loudspeaker. "Release the KISS army!" His attire was quasi Shakespearean/Scout Leader/Army General. He had decorations up the wazoo, a place where only he knew the secrets. Banquo had decided to sit this one out, so the slack had to be picked up by one and only one leader that could handle a mission of this magnitude. His name� Willie� his troops� About 20 post pubescent Boy Scouts with a penchant for destruction without deterring from the code of scouting. The Regiment in all it�s glory formed a line in the Headquarter Lobby. All members that had not found something to do yet also formed the group just behind Willie, which was a very honorable place to be in any situation. �Mount up!� Willie called to the troops and they all filed into the state-of-the-art armored golf carts specially redesigned after the Nimball tournament. This brought a good set of questions in the Generals mind. Where in fact were Nims Balls? Were the balls in the FUBAR halls? Did we know where the balls were when we got the call for the balls? Before Willie�s mind turned into a non-sensical Dr. Seuss story he pulled forth his rubber chicken like a Generals crop and pointed it toward the door to begin the charge. It flopped around in his hand but everyone got the idea. ------------------------------ Ed was still confused about his whereabouts. How did he get here? How did Spike get here unscathed? Why did this new insignia patch just seem cool to him? He looked around at some of the other Air units not used in the first attack. Ducks� exploding Ducks� �Of all the fucked up #### that I�ve seen in my time this has got to be �� He was cut off by anti aircraft flak that ran up the ### of Spike. A reaming so hard Ed did not intend nor like. Ed looked down at his controls and found a new button with a FUBAR insignia on it. It was labeled �To #### #### Up�. He smiled, took a swig of good booze for good luck, and engaged the arsenal units. The Extra Ducks followed in dive bomb formation. ------------------------------- Watching the monitor of torture, Nim turned around suddenly in his cushy office. He knew he felt a presence there and like many a ninja before he could not see it. A voice came from behind. �They�re coming� He swiveled back around to a different corner to find not a Ninja but a clownish looking guy with a large scar across his face. �Stephen King, eat yer heart out� Well, you haven�t killed me yet, so your obviously not part of them.� The stranger couldn�t see it, but felt, Nims finger brush over and press the emergency button attached to the bottom of his desk. Without a word and unnoticeably to Nim, it was disabled before he knew it. �For some reason unbeknownst to myself you have been marked by the FUBAR establishment. The God that Controls my powers calls his home with your enemy. I would suggest you progress peacefully in this matter, there are worse problems than lacking Balls.� �Is that a threat?� �Maybe, it alls depends on where your beliefs lie�� Controlled disappeared from the room. Nim sat there wondering where the security was� ----------------------------- Ed�s rage peaked as he turn the auto pilot on �reek hell� and his took to the back of the plane. In between bursts of fire one could hear the pure soldier in his element cursing to nothingness in a sea of exploding ducks. It was a sight to behold, oh yes� --------------------------- The troops hit the beach well protected from the bursts of machine gun fire. Willie stood triumphantly on his Golf Cart and looked at the scene being played out. Damn, why wasn�t I here before? He looked to the surging waters and heard Al Green playing in the distance. He smiled and said something totally random to his troops� �Tis a good day to belch� Forming a flying eagle pattern the carts rushed up the beach unaware of what might lie ahead�. -------------------- Meanwhile� Nim looked down at his monitors with a new found fear� "The Golf Carts have return to haunt me!!!" Nim's intense frown intensified as he looked at the coming clash between the Golf Carts and his own battle tanks. And he remembered the Stooges. Many years before, they had met. He and the Three Stooges of the Apocalypse...there was a great battle to see who would control the ACE Computer Camp Starcraft Tournament. Will had been the first to fall, the cannon fodder he was. Then, Wiseass Dave...the Wiseass was a very cunning and capable commander, but he could not hold Nim forever. Then, the Devouring One crushed Nim in a battle that would be forever spoken of in small whispers. The day Nim Lost. But it did not end there. His Nimballs had been key to a powerful weapon, which he could use to take Khazan to be his own. However, it needed both Nimballs...which were in the possession of the FUBARians. Nim had met those who had won the said Nimballs on the Field of the Nimball Tournament...the Three Stooges of the Apocalypse in their Heavy Assault Multi-Purpose Attack Cart. They won again in a matter of minutes. This time, they would not win. It did not matter if their Sub-commander Willie fielded 18, 25, or even 100 carts! Nim...WOULD...BE...VICTORIOUS...he hoped. Nodding to an aid, Nim activated the Command Line on his office. He and Willie were about to engage in a battle of Wits, and the Wang-Envy One was unarmed. After all, Nim had graduated from the greatest school of Military Tactics known to man: A LAN Room. +++ Meanwhile, back at Nim's Sub-base where Magnus, Sloth, and D were battling Ninja, things took a turn for the worse. LotFU Student D finished the last Ninja that attacked him with a flashy roundhouse kick. The group looked at the corpses around them... D groaned, "Where's Twiggy?" A new voice filled the corridor, "Ach, wher's TWIGGAY, wher's TWIGGAY! Ye bums!" Striding into the opposite end of the corridor, was a tiny man...a dwarf. Clad in Mithril armor, toting a heavy warhammer in his right hand, and a Dwarven battle axe in his left, he was an incredibly imposing figure. His long blonde beard reached down to his waist, and his Mithril helm shone in the bright corridor lighting. "Ah'm Berin Strongbrew! An Ah'll kick all yer ausses!" Another voice emerged from the shadows. "Not if I kill them first." He wore a College Sports Jacket, and a pair of thin-rimmed glasses. He didn't look imposing...then he looked at Magnus. "You and me, punk. Lets rock." Suddenly, he drew a Katana from seemingly nowhere, twirling it and swirling it an incredible rate, he ended his movements just as quickly as he began...his clothes transformed into armor around him...he was now a Japanese Samurai. Finally...silence... Suddenly, the ceiling above broke down, dropping a strange man who wore normal looking clothes into the room. �Did I miss the fun?� The other two laughed, Berin said, �Nah, naut a thing.� The newest entry wore a faded blue jean jacket, and matching blue jean pants. Under the jack was a white T-shirt. Nothing that really stood out, despite its inherent retro feel. He pulled no weapons�but a fire lay in his eyes. A fire of spirit and Avatar-liness that only Sloth could understand�for this was his foe. A man empowered by an unknown Deity, with power that could only be dreamed of. And if the man�s flaming fists did not prove this, his strange Aura did. He spoke again, �Lets Rock.� The three villains charged Magnus, Sloth, and LotFU Student D� +++ Back at the Battle of the Beach, Will the Joke Assassin and Dan/The Devouring One were busy wondering what to do. �Christ Will! WE DON�T HAVE A COMMANDER NOW! DUMBASS!� Will nodded, �True. But. The. Machine. Gunners. Have. All. Gone�We.�Re. Not. Being. Shot. At.� Suddenly, a great explosion of air occurred some distance out in the ocean. A screaming Wiseass Dave was launched onto his partners in Hooliganery. Immediately after he got off his partners, he got out a comm.-link. �Willie! STOP THOSE TANKS! Nihilist! GO HELP WILLIE! KiZeR�Do That Thing You Doooooeoooo�Docnfoid, May Lee, and Spike, continue bombing runs. I Wanna see some action people!!!� Behind him, on the floor, Dan moaned, �You could have at least said sorry.� But the Wiseass was already gone. Docnfoid looked around at the devastation. "Crap..." Tanks. Lots of tanks. He looked back at May Lee and back outside. The lunatic in the airplane seemed to be doing a good job despite being magically teleported into the middle of a meeting of an organization based on disorganization. Docnfoid directed the Demolition Ducks at the tanks below. As the smoke cleared, Docnfoid gaped in horror. The tanks he had hit had transformed into ten foot clones of Fred Durst! "What have I done..." Docnfoid flew his bus higher into the atmosphere to come up with more of a plan. Magnus looked at the samurai. �Nice transformation how bout this?� Magnus pulled out a flask of mead and downed it all. His hair grew longer and thicket, his beard split into two braids, and his muscle mass doubled. His armor now fit snugly conforming to his body. Magnus pulled his Helm from his pack and placed it on his head. �That�s better�. Then Magnus adopted a right hand forward stance, And a European sword up defense against the Samurai. The Samurai looked at the crude rattan weapon Magnus wielded and said, �What do you plan to do with that? It can not even penetrate my armor.� Magnus smiled and replied �Let me show you exactly what I�m going to do.� Magnus moved like the wind throwing a volley of shots which the samurai did not even bother blocking. Shots to the body, head and limbs, each shot simply leaving a red blood spot on the samurai�s armor. The technique was flawless but the weapon was ineffective. Magnus finished with a thrust to the eye slot, which did little more than move the samurai�s helm, the end of the weapon being to big to penetrate the slot. The samurai laughed out loud. �THAT? That is what you are going to do to me? I am not impressed. My turn, although I am not sure you warrant my full onslaught I will give it to you as you recent kill count warrants it. Are you comfortable?� Magnus replied, �I am,�.. Ready.� The Samurai began with a long draw cut for Magnus�s head. Seeking to one-shot Magnus. Magnus replied, with a gentle tilt of his rattan sword, catching the blow for his head and sending it sliding up the rattan sword. A small ribbon of blood soaked tape and rattan slowly drifted to the ground like a feather. The samurai was confused; the sword should have cleaved the rattan, and Magnus�s head for that matter. He threw another shot this one for the Left side of Magnus�s body. Magnus smoothly brought the rattan sword down to cover his hip, and again caught the blade of the samurai�s sword at just the angle to send it harmlessly away from its target. Again a small ribbon of blood soaked tape and rattan slowly drifted to the ground like a feather. The samurai, began a complex series of potentially killing blows, each caught by Magnus on a different part of his blade, and each sending a ribbon of blood soaked tape and rattan slowly drifted to the ground like a feather. The samurai, Looked at Magnus�s weapon now stripped off tape only showing its Rattan core. He laughed, �Amazing defense Magnus, but at this rate you will run out of weapon. You cannot hope to win. YOU can not even touch me with that weapon.� Magnus adjusted his guard; he knew this next round of defenses would hurt. He would have to take some damage to allow his plan to work. He did not look forward to it. Magnus silently gestured for the samurai to come get some, by twitching the tip of his sword at the samurai. The samurai appeared calm, but inside he was becoming irritated. He knew if Magnus had a �real� weapon this fight would be completely different. He began another flood of blows. Magnus caught each blow precisely on his weapon, but he was not able to stop many of them from making contact wit his body. Magnus felt blows connecting with his armor. He knew that they were hitting just short of hard enough to penetrate the armor. Rattan dust and fine slivers of Rattan filled the air around Magnus. Little tufts of his padded gambeson also flew through the air. The Samurai felt his confidence, and his anger grow. He could not get past the fact that Magnus was turning killing blows into ineffective attacks. He had connected with Magnus�s body this time. He was making progress but this would not be one to brag about, Magnus should be dead. Magnus again adjusted his guard this time bringing the tip back to wards him and the grip out from him. He again twitched his sword for the samurai to attack. The samurai began another flood of potentially lethal attacks. Magnus caught each with a portion of the front of his weapon, now much thinner than when he started. This time, almost all of the samurai�s blows connected with Magnus�s armor, and the opening s between them. Magnus was able to minimize the damage, but he was now bleeding from several joints or his body, and his armor had visible holes in it. More rattan dust and slivers of rattan were accumulating around Magnus, and his weapon was now less than a half-inch across. The samurai felt a rush of confidence. Magnus was bleeding and his armor would not hold up to another flight of blows. Yet he was also almost completely overcome with rage. The samurai threw a head shot, and Magnus caught it with the tip of his weapon. A triangle of rattan flew over Magnus�s shoulder as he ducked the blow. The samurai turned his blade to bring in the next shot in the series, another headshot. Again Magnus caught the blow on the tip of his weapon, sending another triangle of rattan from the tip of his weapon. This shot grazed Magnus�s helm making a violent screeching sound, leaving scratches up its side. The samurai flowed this over around and circled it in for Magnus�s left shoulder. Magnus defected the blow and arched his back dropping his shoulder out of harms way as another triangle of rattan flew from his weapon. The next blow in the samurai�s combination was a recovery and a blow intended for Magnus�s left hip. The shot came in and Magnus sprang back clear of the blow, but caught the tip of his weapon on the samurai�s sword as it passed harmlessly past. Another triangle of rattan flew from Magnus�s weapon. The samurai�s combination ended, and Magnus adopted a stance with his weapon on his left shoulder. The samurai looked at this stance. �Have you given up that is an attack stance, and you can�t hurt me.� Magnus was like a wound spring inside, anxiously awaiting the samurai�s first shot in this next flood. The samurai looked at Magnus, who�s new posture left most of his body exposed to attack. The samurai lunged for a shot to the right side of Magnus�s head. Time slowed down for Magnus, the samurai had chosen the blow he had hoped for. He ducked the blow, as it whistled over his helm, he struck the samurai, in the right armpit, one inch above the first mark he had left on the samurai�s armor. His now sharpened rattan weapon easily cut through the padding in that joint, causing the samurai�s right hand to go limp. The next shot hit one inch above the second mark Magnus had made this one just between the samurai�s helm and left shoulder. Again Magnus�s blow hit no plate armor, only padding, slicing and breaking the samurai�s collar bone, disabling the samurai�s left arm. The samurai sword flew 10 feet to be lodged into a random ninja. The third shot swung around to the samurai�s Left hip, coming up from under the flaud of plates hanging there. The nicely sharpened rattan sword sliced a half inch slice off the samurai�s hip. The samurai cried out in pain. Magnus took his fourth shot on the stunned samurai, this one dropping down the right side of the samurai, slicing the cords holding the plates on his right hip, finally connecting with a spot one inch from the mark he had put on the samurai�s right hip. This blow chopped into the samurai�s hip and brought the samurai to his knees. Magnus took his last shot, a thrust to the samurai�s right eye. The now sharply tipped rattan sword squeezed easily into the eyehole of the samurai�s faceplate. Magnus looked down at the samurai. �I even showed you what I was going to do, live with this loss, samurai.� Magnus pulled his weapon from the samurai�s eye. It now looked like a red sword, with edge and tip. He had managed to carve the blade using the samurai�s blows, putting himself at risk many times to get just the right draw on the blade to craft it. Magnus wondered how the others where fairing� As the massive ICP and KISS armies prepared for their battle the sounds of their war cries could be heard far and wide. As the KISS army began their cries of "Rock and Roll All Night" a small, almost undetectable shock wave traveled throughout the multiverse acting as a becon. Several moments passed before a small random blue portal appeared in the middle of a group of ninjas. Now as any transportation specialist will tell you the same space cannot contain two different solid matters. Therefore when any object, say a disgruntle creation sick of waiting, was to be transported in the same space of a, well group of ninjas will result in a bloody explosion with body parts and vital organs flying every which way. "Damn cursed KISS CD. I knew I shouldn't have picked up that thing up." Namic mumbled as he put away a small cd player in his jacket. "Well at least I'm no longer in that damned waiting room of doom. Now I hope I landing somewhere in low�oh sick." Namic looked down to see he was standing in what was most likely the lower intestines of a ninja. After whipping the guts and blood off his shoes Namic looked around to find out what he had 'dropped' in on. On the left was a large army of KISS and ICP wanna-bies. On the left were 10-foot tall Fred Durst clones and tanks. He slapped his face. "My first day here and already thinks are f#$&ed up. Well I guess I should get involved since I'm already here. Now, let's just get a weapon." He spied a dull ninja sword still clenched in a disembodied arm. Namic smiled as he pried to sword from the ninja's cold dead hands. Suddenly the blade has a new likeness, as the once dull metal was shiny and sharp. Namic pondered the transformation for a few seconds before realizing what had happened. "I guess that arm must have been from some sort of cannon folder extra who was probably destined to die here anyway, so the sword was pretty sh!%y. But it changed into something useful since I actually since I'm not a random peon running around waiting to get my head blown off. Well I guess I should stop fooling around with the forth wall and slice something up." He looked over at the Fred Durst clones. "Starting with those damned sellouts clones!" Screamed the newest player of the battle as he rushed forth to wreck havoc and mayhem. Not even bothing to take the time and even look for anyone or try to make any introductions of any sort or find out of there was any type of a plan. The arrival of Namic, ILMW and the Golf Carts breathed new life into a battle weary FUBAR army. The tanks that had not been turned into 10 foot tall Fred Durst clones found they could hot keep up with the maneuverable little vehicles and their flank was quickly turned. Battle continued through the night. As the sun arrose for Day 2 of combat, a mid-level officer of Nim's army was forced to assume command after all his superiors where killed, rendered incapacitated or had fled. An attempt was made to radio in for help from HQ. "Lieutenant Custard to HQ! Lieutenant to HQ! I am now acting commander of the Defensive forces. All higher ranting officers are either dead or MIA. Requesting reinforcements! For God's sake, we're getting creamed out here! Over!" "HQ to Defensive forces leader. *Krssssh* Unable to comply. *Krrsssssh* I repeat: there will be no reinforcements. Over." "What do you mean, no reinforcements? If ever we needed the KISS army, its now! Over!" "The KISS army is busy with another force to the North. You're going to have to turn the tide *Krrrssssssh* yourself. You're on your own-" The transmition was interrupted when the radio exploded due to a direct hit by some sort of energy beam to it antennae dish. A man stood before the now scared shitless Lieutenant. It was Kizoo, with the I.M.U.S gun pointed at his head. "Does your radio sound funny in the morning? I.M.U.S. IN THE MORNING!" With a pull of the trigger and the sound of charged ions, Lieutenant Custard joined the ranks of the people who suck. LotFU Student D and Berin had battled through the night, matching each other. Berin had D beaten in raw strength, and the ability to take an impossibly amount of damage thanks to his Dwarven Mail...whereas D had pure speed and Ninja Stealth. Many a time that night, he had shied away from a deathblow, vanishing in a cloud of smoke. Many a time, Berin was forced to jerk away as The LotFU Student let loose with a flurry of deadly punches and kicks which would have pounded his skull flat. Now they stood at opposite ends of a small corridor they had battled each other into, breathing heavily as they evaluated each other once more. The dwarf laughed, "Hah! Lad, I was s'posed to fight a GNOME! Yer a friggen NINJA! Ach, tis an intrestin state of affiars." The LotFU Student adjusted his Karate Gi. "I'm not a ninja." "Oh? Then what are ye?" Dave grinned, "FUBAR Martial Artist of doom." The Dwarf did not say a word...by mutual consent, there would be one final strike...one final hit...one final attack. This was where the battle would be decided, for Dave knew that neither really gave enough of a damn to let the fight be prolonged any further. They both charged... Berin Strongbrew brought his hammer and battleaxe high above his head... As he ran, Dave let loose a warcry that had been yelled in thousands of arcades since the very late nineties... "SHIN SHORYUKEN!!!!" The villainous dwarf brought his weapons down on The FUBAR Martial Artist as Dave brought his fist upward in completion of the fabled Fighting Move... Dave hit first. His right fist connected with Berin in a strike that would shatter a cinderblock, followed by his left fist with equal force...finally, a flying Knee smash into Berin's jaw. A sickly set of cracking noises were heard from the small creature as he was sent crashing through the opposite end of the corridor, creating a hole in the metal. LotFU-Student-Dave went into his classic "Victory Pose", performing a small leap to the side, and then thrusting his elbow back in a "Hell Yes!" Motion. Now, it was time to find the others... +++ Wiseass Dave laughed triumphantly as the remaining tanks were routed. He loved when a plan came together almost as much as he loved avoiding lawsuits, at which he was second to none. "Okay...Edward and Docnfoid, commence impossible bombing runs against Nim's outlaying Anti-Air defenses..." "Is that an order that could get them killed? Wiseass Dave wondered, "Nahh, Edward T. Gunner could eat that stuff for breakfast...I think...well, I gotta put everybody in the line of fire, its the commander's hardest job." "Somebody get that Namic fellow over here, I wanna know who he is, what he had for breakfast, and if I can get some, cause GODDAMN IT! WHERE ARE THE CATERERS!" A radio came back over as Dave downed a mug of coffee. The next food shipment would not be for another thirty minutes...perfect. Yawning loudly, Wiseass Dave gave a new order... "Ready or not...WE ATTACK...at DAWN!!!" Dan/The Devouring One burst Dave's bubble, "Dave. It IS dawn." Wiseass Dave groaned as he came up with another cliche. "FINE! We attack...at HIGH NOON! ITS TIME FER A GOOD OLE FASHIONED SHOWDOWN!" +++ (Cue Dramatic "End Of Episode" announcer's voice) AND SO, FUBARIANS HAVE DECIDED TO ATTACK...AT DAW...HIGH NOON! WHILST THEY FEAST ON BREAKFAST AND MARTIAL THEIR FOOOOORCES! CAN TWIGGY ESCAPE? AND WHAT OF SLOTH, HOW GOES HIS BATTLE? WILL RANDOM NINJA #512 BE RESCUED? HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOOD CHUCK CHUCK IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOULD? THIS AND MORE, *damn* SOOON! Aww crap. Am I too late to destroy tanks? Damn PhD's. Always taking up the attention. Best count me out for the rest of this episode, I've got too much too do in the real world. Feel free to use my characters in anyway you see fit. I'll rejoin for episode 3. Seems fairer than not giving this proper attention. Muchos apologies Ed began his second bombing run. The first proved to be very effective seeing as nothing was left on the ground but building pieces and Duck Feathers. Ed looked to his right and saw the Magical Mystery Bus start taking heavy damage. He signaled Doc to follow him on this run. Setting Spike on Defending, Auto Pilot, Ed took his seat again at the back of the Spike manning his quad barreled machine gun. He popped in an old school 80's metal band tape and put on his headphones. He pushed the button and raised himself and the turret to the outside of the plane. Doc and May looked on in amazement. The bombing began. This was to deploy most of the contents within Spike over a major supply and ammunition Depot. (The building actually looked like a "Home Depot" but because of trademark law we can't mention that.) Anti-Air craft weapns began to fire. It seemed that Spike was immune to the power of the machine guns ripping the air apart which only got Ed more fired up. One could actually hear cursing above the roar of the plane and gun fire. Ed mowed down countless enemy lines with his specially modified weapon. After dumping 100 pound after hundred pound of bomb materials Spike flipped up-sidedown so that Ed could do more direct damage. The Bus following also dumped it's payload which acted as a catalyst for the explosions that followed. Exploding Ducks were everywhere. Righting themselves they both pushed full throttle out of the fire and dust in the air causing a really interesting "Blowing up the Death Star" like movie effect. Their job was almost done. Doc returned to the HQ to refuel whilst Spike and Ed barrel rolled to the Enemy headquarters building. A path had to be made for our inebriated trio of jungle fighters. Meanwhile, the rest of the FUBARians were sitting around a table, as ordered by Wiseass Dave. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this pre-assault meeting for one reason - Its dinner time. The caterer's are ready, so its time for a FUBAR Thanksgiving lunch before our triumphant assault agains Nim's Final Fortress. Fortunetely, I think the Pastor of Carrots is dead, so they ARE present in the salad." Suddenly, the Ninja Waiter's instantly placed food on the meeting table. Wiseass Dave nodded, "Dinner...is served..." He paused, "Does anyone know what's keeping Sloth, Magnus, and Twiggy up?" A ninja spoke in his ear. "...crap...um...guys, not only can we not eat until someone says Grace, but we also can't eat until everyone is at the table." Groans were heard around the FUBAR room. "Yes, yes I know. But don't worry, all we need to do is destroy Nim's fortress and..." The FUBARians did not allow him to finish. Will the WereGecko downed a concoction from his Smoothie maker as he charged toward the Seige positions, and the Boy Scouts manned their golf carts. Kizoo/Kizer and Aki got into battle position...as Nihilist and Dr. Caraway did...stuff. It was getting about time for a showdown. *Belch* Can't fight. Too full. Succoming...to...tryptophanes.... Sloth looked at his new opponent. "Where'd you get the Canadian Tuxedo, Denim-Man?" "I'm not Denim-Man, Ignoramus. I'm the messenger of NOTHING, come to destroy you specifically. You are a mistake of theological rule, and cannot be allowed to live." "I assume that's why you're with these goons?" "Your assumption is correct." "You die now." The two combatants locked up into defensive stances, neither willing to underestimate the other. The world around them slipped into a mode of two-dimensionality that rivaled that of Mortal Kombat, or Street Fighter, as the two inched toward eachother sideways. It seemed that this would be the only way to make this battle work, was to do it in the style of the side-view fighter game. Sloth made a rush that could only be accomplished with a double-tap of the left button, leaping at the last minute and landing on the other side of the Avatar. He lifted his leg and executed a kick to the small of his opponent's back. Avatar flew forward and landed on his face, and Sloth strode forward, standing over his fallen opponent. Avatar leaped up with a kick to Sloth's face, and launched a flurry of quick punches to our hero's torso. Sloth tagged the back button, and blocked about half of them, dropping into a crouch and roundhouse sweeping Avatar off his feet. Avatar crawled to his feet with his life bar showing half power above him, when Sloth dropped again and launched a booyah-gramma style uppercut to Avatar's jaw, sending him flying into the air to drop to the ground, unmoving. The power bar up at the top showed that Sloth's ultimate attack had dealt more than enough damage to take out Avatar of Nothing, and win this battle. Who was next? Nim observed the battle on the beach from his private office on his wide screen teleprompter. The situation had become quite grim. The Lieutenant's transmition, before being cut off, had comfirmed Nim's worst fears. His forces on the beach had been routed. At anyone moment, the golfcarts would be coming for for him. Desprate for some good news, he pressed a button on his desk and was connected via teleprompter to the torchure room. There stood a man in black interogating poor Twiggy. "The pain will not stop until you give me some useful information!" *GASP* "Blow me." "You will tell me how to break the FUBAR Army's code!" "Eat my shorts" "Why you little!" Clearly, the tight lipped and quite dilerious Twiggy would not give anything to his captors, not even the satisfaction of begging for mercy. Nim felt a light breeze come from behind him, and with it, the feeling that he was being watched. This was odd, considering the windows and doors were all closed. He turned around to see the White Ninja. 'Its about time you turned around, I've been doing everything I could to get your attention for the past 2 minutes. Are you deaf, or just paralyzed with fear?' "I assume you're here for a reason. You'd better have some good news for me." 'Three men have just exitted the mini base level. Our men have failed.' "So they've reached the waterfall level. We're fighting a battle on 3 fronts, and we're losing 2 of them. Thank God the KISS Army is still holding its ground. We're running out of options!" 'Call back all of your forces, defend HQ with everything we have. I shall go to the Waterfall and subdue the three personally.' "Considering the odds, you seem strangely pleased." 'One of the three, LotFU student Dave, is of the Clan of the I.O.U. Should the the HQ fall and our plans fail, I shall still escape with some revenge.' Without another sound, Nim blinked for but a moment and the White Ninja disappeared. Alone, Nim began to make plans for a desperate final battle. Nim sighed...He should have thought of that sooner. Clicking several places on the Battle Map on his computer, he pulled back the remnants of his army. The battle lines would move to his imposing uber-fortress...and what a battle it would be. After thinking a moment, he moved a crack battalion of Multi-purpose infantry to the Waterfall Level to aid the Grey Ninja and their Gunning Emplacements. It served as a well played move on numerous levels. On one hand, if the FUBARians skipped straight to Nim's HQ, the forces at the Waterfall could flank them. On the other hand, if the FUBARians attacked the forces at the Waterfall, Nim's HQ forces could flank them. The key was that the Waterfall Forces needed to hold out for a period of time. With the White Ninja himself on the scene, Nim was confident that they could complete their mission objective: Survive for 30 minutes. Nim let out a battlecry that would make most Fanboys tremble in ecstasy: "VIVE LA STARCRAFT!!!" Quickly, he began building marines as the Crack Battalion and White Ninja Hero Unit arrived on the scene. The strategy in the Third Mission of the Terran Campaign had been to flood the building roofs with marines, and bunker up the entranceways. The same strategy would probably apply against the mere Three warriors who were attempting to strike at Nim. After all,They may have been a trio of Hero Units, but there were only three of them... +++ Meanwhile, a very different commander was meeting with his generals. "Lady and Gentlemen. Things are about to get deadly. Nim's been beaten badly, but he's even more dangerous now...I should know, I've faced him before. The more it seems that he's down and out, the greater his bite gets...sorta like what happens to a Pokemon that uses the Rage Technique...now I'm going to go wash my mouth out with soap for mentioning that in a minute, but for RIGHT NOW..." Wiseass Dave cleared his throat as he looked at his assembled warriors. "The key, is that we need to be incredibly careful while passing this waterfall...here..." He pointed to his map with his Warhammer. "You see, this is where Sloth, Twiggy, Magnus, and LS-Dave are going to meet with us. The Problem, is that if we help them by attacking there, Nim can smash into us from above. If we skip to Nim's fortress, he can smash us from below with his Waterfall forces. Now, I personally think that our 4 badasses down there are capable of taking the Waterfall on there own...but our position is rather fragile. Our best bet is to land in this position between the Waterfall Level and Nim's fortress. Knowing that Rat-bastard, he'll probably smash us with BOTH force groups. Normally, I'd call this plan suicide, except that he'd probably take enough soldiers from the Waterfall level to allow Task Group Booze, as Sloth, Twiggy, Magnus, and LS-Dave are known, to smash the remaining forces at the waterfall, then show up and smash the other Waterfall forces from behind. Thus, we create a decisive battle which weakens Nim to the point that we can probably take his fortress sucessfully." Dave pointed to the drawings on his map. Labeled clearly was Task Force Booze (Sloth's Crew), Task Force Juggalo Nation (The Juggalo Nation), and Task Force Kick-to-the-### (Everybody Else). Facing these, were Nim Group Waterfall, Nim Group Main Body, and Nim Group Kiss Army. Dave motioned to everyone. "Okay boys and gel, That's the plan! LETS MOVE OUT!" Magnus was finally able to look over and see his companions, it seemed he was the only one with any blood on him. Sloth looked at Magnus and laughed, "Looks like you got your ### whooped boy" Magnus pointed over his shoulder to the samurai, "You should see the other guy." "Umm what other guy?" Replied Sloth. Magnus's stomach sank, as he thought, damn evil nemesises, always slinking off and living. He turned only to see a trail of blood. "Well I don't see your opponents either." Magnus was right apparently they had all been denied their FATALITY... No bonus scene here. Time to move on, people waiting to die and all. Sloth replied, �Crap, no fatality�� �No worries we�ll get them in the final level. Sides we�re supposed to meet up at the waterfall zone. We�re running late as it is. � Sloth shrugged a bit and looked around, taking everything in. "Yeah, I guess we do need to get to the waterfall. We have a comrade in peril...knew that damned gnome would be trouble. Well, amigo, never leave a man behind. One can only hope that he holds out and keeps his fookin' mouth shut until we can get to him." "Sloth?" "Yeah, Magnus?" "That's more than I've heard you speak since that time I told you my sister was hot, and then you found out that she looked like an overgrown turtle." "I'll get you for that, by the way. Let's move." They gathered up their gear, and started hiking to the waterfall, where they would rendezvous with the rest of FUBAR. The End Of Level Contra Medley played as the trio moved out of the Minibase into the waterfall level, an exciting level full of platforming, jumping up ledges until the top is reached, where a big army waits. Scattered on the various jumps are pockets of enemy infantry, waiting and watching for Sloth's crew to screw up...gun turrets are also positioned in various places. All the while, the White Ninja looks on from the top of the waterfall, waiting. Soon LS-Dave would arrive...then they would met once more. --------- The FUBAR HQ popped up on the chosen battleground, looking tall and phallic as usual. The various fighters filed out as the base defenses readied themselves. Wiseass Dave nodded to Dan, "You're sure this will work?" Dan nodded, "I won last time, I can win again. Nim won't know what hit his force until its all over." The two parted. Dave to make sure that the rest of the FUBARians were ready for battle, Dan to ready his plan... Know your enemies To say it had not been a good day for Nim would have been an understatement. From the routing of his tanks on the beach, to the failure of the three fighters in the mini-base, and the return of the accursed golfcarts and Willy, if it weren't for bad luck, he'd have no luck at all. But things were about to change. A man walked into Nim's office holding a folder. "I have a report from the science lab. Its about the prisoner...the gnome. You might want to see this, sir." "Give it here," barked Nim. "Hmmm...lets see...summoned the Juggalo army telepathicly...as I suspected...toxin induced...dementia...inhuman resistance to pain...toxin, from his face paint? I wonder, what would happen if the facepaint were to be washed off?" "Turn the page sir, it seems its already happened. Toilet bowl-swirly torchure washed it all off." "How long ago was this?" "About half an hour ago. The gnome has an incredibly high metabolism, and the effects of the toxin seem to have worn off. His connection to the Juggalo Army has disappeared and he isn't quite so energetic. It seems his attitude was a result of the toxin as well. Now, he's..." "Extremely weak, confused and vulnerable to suggestion. Is he conscious? Where is he now?" "Yes, in a cell in the dungeon." ------------------------- FUBAR was preparing its attack. Then something strange happened. The Juggalo army suddenly turned and left the island, disappearing as suddenly and unexpectedly as they had arrived. "Hey, where do you think you're going? We're planning the finally battle here! Come back here! What the deuce?", said Wiseass Dave. "Good riddence I say. ICP sucks," said KiZeR. "Who knows why they even showed up in the first place? I say we don't need them." "But still, losing a 1/4 of our forces is nothing to sneeze at!" lamented ILMW. "I don't knopw how or why, but this is Nim's doing." ------------------------- Twiggy lied on a bed in his cell. He had tried to sleep, he dreamed some ninja came...but he had awoken, in the darkness. He had no idea where he was, or how he had gotten here, all he knew now was pain. Everything ached, and what was worse, he didn't know why. He tried to remember, but this head was in a fog. The last clear memory he had was of swimming a mile to the beach with a dagger in his mouth, and the terrible chaffing of his face paint. At least he had been relieved of that torment, somehow. When he heard the clank of his cell door openning, he just barely managed to turn his head to see his visitor. "Poor guy, you look terrible. Its a good thing we rescued you when we did." "Nim? How...what hap...pen..." Nim put a moist cloth on the gnome's forehead. It felt good, soothing. "Do you remember anything? The attack? The stuff you had on your face?" "Barely...we were rescuing number...number...I forget. I only remember bits and pieces," moaned Twiggy. "When we found you, you were almost dead. You had been abandoned. It seems one of your comrades played an awful trick on you. That facepaint almost liquified your brain." "No, I put it on myse-" "Shhhh...don't talk, you're still weak. You don't remember what happened. They made you put it on." "FUBAR...my friends." "Are they? Then why did they leave you for dead? Yuo've been here for quite a while. Why no rescue attempt? What terrible things they must have done to you. LotMU is still LotMU, no matter what it calls itself now. FUBAR is LotMU." "N-n-no." "I have spies, you know. Many reliable sources. I've seen how they treat you. You think you're a member? You think they see you as an equal? You're a mascot. A joke. You're a gnome, and they hate gnomes. I know you're memory is still a bit fuzzy, but surely you remember something. And more will come back to you now that you're free form their clutches. You've been abused, both physically and mentally. They taunt you, pour beer on your head, and laugh at you behind your back. Sure, there are a few who have been kind. "Y-yes...May...Doc...K-" The newbies. But the ones with the power, the ones in control, all of them have ties to the original LotMU. They've been using you, they want you to trust them. They want you to convince the gnomes to come out of hiding. And when you do that, that war, the horrors, the holocaust, will start all over again. And the young ones, they're like sheep. Just one good speech from their leaders and they'll be at your throat and drown you in bleach. You know what I say is true. "I...I..." "Shhhhh.....you need rest, so I'll leave you alone now. But please think about what I have said. Know your enemies, and know it is not me. Good night, noble gnome. Know your friends. Know your enemies." Wiseass Dave pondered the situation carefully. Without the Juggalo Nation, everything had changed. "Damn...hot damn...Dan was right. OKAY EVERYONE!" David took off his Paladin armor...revealing a Damn spiffy 1800's era Naval Uniform. "THIS IS ADMIRAL DAVE! Everyone board the K.C.S (Khazan City Ship) FUBAR HQ! We're about to engage in the largest Land Based Naval battle this world has ever seen...the ONLY Land Based Naval battle this world has ever seen." Suddenly, all around the Missile Command and Arcade Defense Center Floor, Missile launch posts popped out. In the FUBAR Computer Core Room, 16-pounder heavy Iron-shot Black Powder cannons filled small slots that went all the way around the extent of the floor, creating a set of Heavy Cannonading ability in a 360 degree arc. Dan/The Devouring One called up from the 1st floor of FUBAR HQ. "This is Dan. Everything's ready, we'll be crusing along the surface of the loamy waves in just a minute...but I'm gonna need someone to handle the Pointless and Created Just For The Sake of This Fic Engine Room. Anybody who knows the Submarine/Starship TV series/Movies will do. The Ninja can handle the Cannons, but Everyone else has a chance to ready their own unique weapons on their own floors. Everything okay up there?" Dave laughed, "Hell yeah! BEAM ME UP!" Suddenly, He was on the FUBAR HQ's Command Deck, waiting for the others to ready their guns. "Gentlemen and Lady, the idea behind this is that we'll be able to crush Nim's army with our Tower of Naval Power...we shove off into battle in five minutes. Load whatever side mounted weapons you can set up on your floors...this is gonna get FUUUUNKAAAAAY!!!" "I.M.U.S. guns are mounted on starboard and port side, for anybody's use. But...something's missing. Ships in olden days needed a statue of a woman at the front. For good luck, or something," said KiZeR. 'Well, too bad Twiggy isn't here, we'll have to do without,' said Aki. "Ahem...re-read your contract. Page 41, paragraph D" 'What are you talking about?' "I, the party in the first part (that's you), do agree to aid the party in the second part (that's me) in any battle, provided the party in the first part (you again) does not have to do any heavy lifting, engage in unnecessary physical contact...etc. etc... Ah, here it is, ...may at any time be bound and gaged, frozen in carbonite, strapped to the bow of any naval vessal...etc., for the purpose of decoy, decoration or lucky charm for a period of no longer than 8 hours in a single day provided their is no danger of drowning and proper meals, medical treatment and hydration supplied, if requested. Its right there, in ultra-fine print. And since this is a land based naval battle, you're in no danger of drowning." 'No! Wait, you can't do this to me! I could get hurt! Hey, wait! I'll give you the photos if you erase that part of the contract!' "And the negatives?" 'Yes! Yes!' "An interesting proposal, I'll think about it and give you my reply after we win this battle." 'AAAAAAAGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! GET ME OFF THIS DAMN BOW!!! AAAAAAAYYYYYEEEE!!!' "Hey, why are you guys pushing me here?" Namic yelled at two large crewmen who shoved him into the engine room. "We just got your resume. Don't ask how. But apparently you fit the bill." The larger of the two men said. "But I wanna blow #### up!" Namic protested. "Just put me up there with a large cache of weapons and I can take out as mush of those guys as needed. Hell maybe a little more. I mean just look how good I did against those damned Fred Durst clones." "Sorry, but every FUBAR member has their own floor for that. Unfortunately it just so happens you're not officially FUBAR. So tough luck." The smaller of the two men said before closing the doors. "Damnit. I bet that lazy bastard someone did this to me. He couldn't have just used some Star Trek rip-off name for all of those games; he had to use me. Well let's get this started." He looked over the engine room as various crewmembers operated the various devices and gadgets. "Ok everyone. Listen up! I want full power to everything. I want some guy to stand in front of the main engine so that when #### happens there will be someone to be thrown around like a rag dog." "Uh Sir? The main engine power source isn't operation at full potential." A random crew man yelled. Namic picked up a large oversized wrench. "DO I have to do everything myself. Let me show you how it's done." Namic yelled moments before swinging the large wrench against the machine several times. As the fuel sources opened up large flames, incinerating a random crewman. "Whoops, well you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs." "SIR!!" Another crew member yelled. "The power surge has caused the fuses to the exterior lighting to blow." "Well where the hell are they!" Namic screamed back. "Over there sir. Through the fast moving oversized pistons over the large flame spewing pipes, and just under the large spinning gears that could grind a man to small bits." Namic looked over at the deadly gauntlet. "Damn, well looks like you're going to have to go through and replace them. And please be quick. Sure we don't need to exterior lights since it�s the middle of the day, but hey better safe than sorry right." Namic said looking away from the hideous death trap that awaited the random crewman. "I guess it can't be too bad. Sacrificing random crewmen to fix stuff that we probably wont need anyway. I just can't wait till something serious needs to be taken care of." Wiseass Dave smiled as the K.C.S FUBAR HQ went underway, with Aki as their mast head, the good ship plowed through the loamy wat...err...dirt below them. Occasionally, one of Nim's scattered soldier groups would stumble upon the HQ...and meet their demise at the hands of the Iron Shot 16-pounder cannons. Soon, the HQ would hit the waterfall level...very soon... Dan called from the engine room, "Dave! Dan here, Namic seems to have things under control...I'll be coming up shortly." Dave smiled as he spoke into his comm.-link. "Good. With any luck, Task Force Booze is starting things up at the waterfall. I'll inform the FUBARians that they'll have to ready their guns in mid-fight, for the clash with the enemy is imminent..." Will the Joke Assassin walked into the room, "Yeeeeah. But. What. If. Nim. Brings. Out. Bigger. Guns?" Dave laughed, "Hehhehe, That my friend, is what Dan and I expect. If such a thing happens, we'll kick his ### harder than we're about to. With any luck, Sloth and his boys are about to get to the down and dirty fighting...so we're about to run a serious slugfest that should mark the difference between victory and defeat." The Admiral cracked his knuckles. "Oh yes...the Battle of Water-fall will be one pigf--ker of a slugfest..." Ed�s job was done. He motioned to the other flying units to return to base. Under his seat he pulled a pint can of Guinness for his seat fridge. The auto-pilot seemed to take Ed further into Flak yet it still had no effect on Spike. Ed slugged down half of the can and wiped his mouth on his tattered sleeve. He noticed the enemy fortress coming into view. He also noticed a slew of helicopters with equally impressive machine gun firing turrets. He thought about using his gun and then decided against it. He remembered the special button in the cockpit. He returned and found that red circle of �#### #### up� goodness and waited until he was in range. Coming under extreme fire, he depressed it and sat back to watch the carnage. Spike hiccupped a bit and almost stalled. Ed quickly put his safety belt on making sure not to spill any beer. The bullets were actually doing some minor damage which started to piss Ed off. The engines moved on the wings and took up a harrier-like-hover position over the building. Guns automatically protruded from every possible spot in the plane. A weird humming noise emanated from all over. What the #### is this #### !!!!! Ed caught a glimpse of the Headquarters inching closer on the horizon before Spike let loose. Now� Those of you who have never seen �The Last Star-fighter� will have to bear with me on this part. The right side wing engine flipped upwards and to a 20 degree angle while the left moved slightly in the opposite direction at again 20 degrees. Spike uncontrollably now, began a stationary 360 angle Barrel Roll and fired all guns simultaneously. Everything within a 200 foot radius up down and side to side began to blow up. The top of the building began to shatter. Helicopters lie smoldering on the ground. Some jumped to their death from the building. Spike returned to hover mode and Ed sat back, mouth agape. �Holy ####### ####!� He looked down at his beer. Evidently the centrifugal force kept the Guinness safely in the can. He smiled and began to drink the rest of the beer. Unfortunately Ed wasn�t paying attention to the office that now protruded from the top of the building. He also didn�t notice the bug guy walking in to find his office in a shambles and the plane hovering ahead. Guess what? While Ed was busy downing that drink he also missed the huge Rocket launcher that the big guy pulled from the hallway, which, unbeknownst to Ed would take out the entire rear section of spike and cause the plane to go into a spinning, fiery dive into the ocean. Ed didn�t see it coming. It was his own destruction. ----------------------------- Jason walked into the interrogation room which was now emptied of all occupants due to the gun fire heard from above. He disregarded the Random Ninja and strolled over to the gnome in question. Twiggy peered at Controlled with a �Why aren�t I drunk for this� look. Controlled licked his lips and spoke in a low voice. You know, I�ve tasted gnome before. It�s a bit gamey and tough, but always good in a beer battered sauce and douse with hot mustard. You have no need to fear me now though. My LotMU ways have ceased but I do come here to warn you. Beware of the enemy as well as your friends. You never know when an old member could come around the corner and begin mayhem against the gnomish nation once again. As for your situation I leave you this. A hair scrunchy. If your gnomish ways are correct you should be able to use this to not only save yourself but help complete this mission as well. I leave you know, until my God calls me to his service. Good bye.� Controlled vanished from site. Twiggy thought that the unsoberness might be getting a second wind until he found the scrunchy in his hands� -------------------------------------------- Willie paused at the site of the downed plane. He had no expression for the heart filled sorrow that should�ve been produced at that moment. He nodded, and turned to the acting commander. He nodded again to leave him to his own devices. Touching his insignia he returned to his comfy chair on the holodeck. Willie looked at a view screen to find Namic fooling around on the ammunition and golf cart engines floor. �Wow, that�s definitely FUBAR� Willie pushed his very own red button. The Headquarters came alive. The outer hull began to vibrate uncontrollably moving the sand silt below the water much easier and twas only felt by enemies of FUBAR. Droplets of rain could also be felt by all within a radius of the building. No clouds in the sky could only mean that this chapter was coming to a thundering climax! Sloth and his team arrived at the waterfall unchallenged, amazingly. "Wait here. I'm gonna take care of something." "What's that, Sloth?" "Underling conference." "Gotcha. Tell Controlled we said 'hi'." "Wait here." Sloth walked over to a small cave beside the waterfall, and stomped his foot. "Jason?!" "Yeah." "What the F-CK are you doing around here?" "I'm being mysterious, Sloth." "Why?" "Because I can. I have to have SOMETHING to do while I wait for your sorry ### to call on me for help." "First of all, my sorry ### is in charge. Second of all...uh...I've done fine and haven't needed your help. Until now. You're with my team until further notice." "Do I have a choice?" "Did I give you a choice as to whether or not you were gonna help me out?" "Yeah." "Then make your own inferences." "Right." The two walked back out to rejoin Sloth's team, and wait for whatever would happen at the rendezvous point. The battle of Waterfall began quickly after the Fall of Spike, showing a Can-do attitude on the part of the FUBARians...and the fact that they were really bored. Wiseass Dave adjusted his uniform as the FUBAR HQ announced its presence on the battlefield, by way of Aki's fearful screams and the overly loud Electric Guitar ensemble that played as the HQ rumbled toward the Waterfall. A group of Nim's Tanks an Marines sat waiting, letting loose a concentrated barrage and the Vibrating, Phallic HQ. They were quickly routed by a concentrated counter-barrage from the 16-pounder heavy guns and KiZeR's side mounted IMUS Cannons. Thus, not only did they have large holes in their guts, but they sucked too. As they ran from the top of the Waterfall, the forces on the various ledges rained fire down on Task Force Booze as it began its assault on the Waterfall. With Task Force Booze, it was soon discovered that LotFU-Student-Dave had vanished, leaving a simple note in his place. The White Ninja has arrived. I must answer his challenge at the top ledge of this waterfall, with whatever weapons I may muster...He has mastered the Dark Arts, and my chances of survival are low...but this is something I must do. -Dave And so, Sloth began leading his troops... *** Meanwhile, Nim was busy at work at his HQ. Seeing the carnage being wrecked on his forces by the FUBAR HQ, he decided it was time to pull his trump card: His HQ. Nim's HQ, with the aid of specialized Anti-gravity boosters, managed to lift 20 feet off the ground. Then, by way of its specialized propulsion mechanism, it speedily zoomed toward the battlelines. Nim nodded in approval to his technicians. THIS would be the decisive battle. A duel of the Navally oriented Land Based HQ's. On all sides of his Rectangular Headquarters, heavy missile launchers, energy cannons, and miscellaneous weapons of all sorts sprouted out. The FUBARian's would not know what hit them... Or so Nim thought. Much soul searching did the little gnome do. Where did that strange man come from, and where did he disappear too? The debate that waged on inside his mind would have filled a thousand pages. Who could he trust? He looked down at the hair scrunchy he held in his hand. Should he escape? Which side should he join? What the spork could he do with this hair scrunchy? Why was he asking himself so many dumb questions that he already knew the answers to? There was only one man he could trust. He would not escape! He would aledge himself with Nim! And the hair scrunchy would tie it all together. Controlled found a nice spot to lay back and watch the troops come upon them. Sloth and Magnus found cover behind him. Controlled kept getting hit with barrage after barrage of bullets, and yet blood was spilling everywhere, the wounds healed as fast as the metal hit his cold body. A blue light flashed in Jasons eye and he began to float towards the troops that were firing down upon them. Magnus looked at Sloth with a confused look. Sloth pulled another SoM hat from his back pocket and forced it on Magnus� �Cover your ears, this is where he tends to freak out. Remember, that hat is just a loner.� The waterfall began to shake. Jason extended his arms and let loose the full gamut of vibration energy. Thrust forth in all direction millions of atoms split in a split second. The troops turned to run but twas too late. A wall of nothingness struck all within the radius of Controlled. Only two were saved from his wrath, the SoM gear toting booze hounds. Though they didn�t save themselves from the force of gravity. They fell about 10 feet since the ground immediately below them was no more. The water began to fall once again and sort of baptized Controlled in cleansing. He smiled and turned to his fellow Mojo users. Sloth flicked him off, obviously distraught from the slight fall and the lack of surface to climb now. Look at this! How the #### are we gonna get to the top to help the ninja team mate we had! You blew a ####### sphere out the side of this wall bigger than your mamma ###! Controlled shook his head in disbelief at what he just heard. He floated down to them and took Magnus� hat off throwing back at Sloth. Sloth, you�ve been given the power of the Gods and in their absence you must rain down justice. Cease this petty use for your current surroundings and look past your mortal insignificance! Invoke the true power of Yampu. For you are Yampu! Become one with the idol. I already tried that once. This idol is just a symbol! Did you think Mojo thoughts while holding it? Don�t even pull that Peter Pan, think happy thoughts bullshit on me! I�m not Corey! The Idol began to glow, Controlled noticed it secretly and Sloth did not. The rage of Sloth awakened its power which needed to grow. Controlled escalated the argument the only way he knew how. Nah, Corey would�ve figured it out far before you could! You better not be ####### with me now� who did Yampu give this power to? Huh? Me! Cause I�m his ####### knight! I�m his ####### broad sword to slash the #### out of everything! Yeah, right after you killed all the other candidates for the job! That�s ####### it! Sloth raised the idol up preparing to strike down Jason with it when a bolt of holy lightning struck the now gleaming idol freezing the current situation between the two of them. The knowledge of Yampu flooded through Sloth as did once with Controlled. The light vanished and Sloth seemed to come out of a daze. He looked at Controlled then looked at the idol. He put the idol back in his jacket. With a somber gaze trailing over the horizon Sloth sighed and took in the situation. He laughed to himself at the new found thoughts he now experienced. The laughter grew as he began to float in the air, a blue hue surrounding him. It almost felt like absinthe coursing through his veins, but he still had an unyielding grip on the situation. He shot into the air laughing and Controlled followed with the biggest grin he ever displayed. Magnus looked up, taking everything all in. How they do that? What the hell just happened? Why do I have the urge to pick my nose in wonder? �Uhh, guys����� what about me?� Sloth looked over to Magnus, his body smoking and twitching, but he was still standing. He had survived the rush of knowledge, the memories, the raw power that had surged through his body as prompted by Jason, formerly known as Controlled. He saw the world differently now, after having stolen Yampu's entire self, becoming one with the God. He wouldn't be coming back to claim his power now. Nobody would. It was all Sloth's power now. "Magnus?" "Yeah Sloth?" "I'm a GOD now." "Good for you, what are we gonna do?" "Let's kick some tail." LotFU Student Dave stood at the top of the Waterfall. Across the way, was none other than the Dreaded White Ninja. Amidst the chaos and strife that occurred around them, the dead and dying soldiers, the screams and explosions...there was a clam, almost heavenly peace. And so, LotFU Student Dave thought back to the words of his master... "My son." Sensei Kung-Fu Master Bob had said, "A great evil has befallen us." Wiseass Dave had nodded, "Yes...the White Ninja." The LotFU Master shook his head, "No young assbopper. Allow me to relate to you his story so that you might understand. "Once, the White Ninja was as proud a warrior as any of us. He fought well, and became the pride of the Clan. He, like you, learned under the Dual-mastership of Sensei Ninjitsu Master Rob, and myself... "But he was overconfident. He read through the forbidden texts, and learned the Forbidden Arts of Shotoken LotFU...the Killing Arts. Ways of battle far too dishonorable and distasteful in the eyes of the Clan and myself. Using these arts, he killed me..." Dave interrupted, "But you're standing right there." Bob's eyes twitched as he looked from one side of the room to the other, as though worried of an unseen threat. "NO I'M NOT! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!" Dave was flabbergasted, "But..." Bob ranted on, "I'M DEAD! I AM NOT HERE, YOU NEVER SAW ME!" Dave nodded, "Very well, Sensei." Bob sighed, "Good. Now. The simple fact is, he left after that...but he will return some day. So, I am sending you to learn with another master of the Fighting arts to prepare you for the coming battle...You will know who he is when you see him." And so LotFU-Student Dave had met this hidden Master, and trained with him in a most holy and sacred art...an art which he would unleash now on this most hated foe. The White Ninja stood over him, "Indeed...you are supposedly going to be a far greater fighter than I ever was. I doubt it...however, it will be entertaining to watch you suffer." LotFU Student Dave replied in dubbed speech, "You no make me! I dislocate your bones!" The White Ninja laughed his Dubbed laugh, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Shall we?" The two squared off for battle... "Admiral Dave! We have new targets on the blinky thingy!" Wiseass Dave looked at Will, "The Sonar?" The Weregecko nodded, "Bingo." Dave looked out the nearest window... "Sweet mother of crap...Its Nim's Headquarters. BATTLE STATIONS EVERYONE!" As the battle klaxons went off throughout the FUBAR HQ Namic was still in engineering yelling at the expendable crewmen. "Ok people. You hear that, it means there's a lot of #### that's going to be going on soon. And since I'll be damnned if I'm going to die down here. That's what you guys are for." Namic muttered the last part under his breath. He turned around to see the crewman he'd just sent to replace the fuse. "Uh, you're still alive?" "SIR! I was able to complete my mission. Despite the fact that the large pistons crushed my toll box, the flaming pipes scorched off my eyebrows and half my hair, and the giant gears ripped my shirt off me." The crewman yelled while standing at attention. Namic pondered the amazing fact that the random crewman had survived a gratuitous mission. "Well for you to make it through that you must be pretty damned special. I'll start referring you as #1, since you'll be my #1 man to go to. Plus I gotta make sure you don't outdo me and die a horrible death." Namic muttered the last part under his breath again. "Well I have another mission for you. Apparently the plasma conduit powering the aft weapons systems has been clogged with a rather large radioactive object. I know we might not need the rear weapons since Nim's HQ is in front of us. But I'll be dammned if we're helpless when we have to leave after we blow the base to bits." "SIR, YES SIR!" #1 yelled as before rushing off. Namic went to one of the stations and looked over the readings. "We'll looks like its about ready to hit the fan. Better make sure I have enough expendable guys in place to block the vital systems from fire when the other systems starts blowing up." Namic continued to assign the crew to their different locations are the final battle drew near. Wiseass Dave looked at the surrounding FUBARians. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury...Its time to kick some ###." __ The Battle of the HQs began with a set of hammer-blows exchanged by both sides. The FUBAR HQ kicked off the offensive with a barrage of Cannon Fire from the 16 Pounders, and an IMUS Side-mounted Gun Barrage. Mere moments after this first barrage, a new weapon was fired. The FUBAR Van, with The Nihilist at the controls, Doctor Caraway riding Literal Shotgun, and Captain Gibberish in the back seat, it was propelled from the HQ into the side of Nim's Blocky HQ. The group's mission: reak Havoc and Kick ###. Nim's Counter-barrage was no less deadly, as a flurry of laser cannon blasts and heavy missiles were propelled toward the FUBAR HQ, each blast hitting its mark. Several of the enemy guns Sucked, but they were not yet sucky enough to reduce damage. The two HQ's exchanged shots, circling each other on the High Earth, pounding each other like Boxers, except without the possibility of ear biting. David sent the call down to Namic: "Scotty! WE NEED MORE POWER!" Namic replied: "AHM GIVIN ER ALL SH'S GOT, BUT SHE AIN'T GOT MUCH MORE CAPTAIN!" Willie smacked the Red Countermeasures Button, sending a sheet of acid out of the top of the HQ. Enemy missiles attempted to penetrate the Fountanous acid, only to be melted on impact. But Nim still had a few tricks, his Cube O' Death HQ was full of them. The Overlord returned fire with a set of Photon Cannon blasts from his newly opened port side set of cannons. Admiral Dave motioned to Docnfoid. Duck Strikes were required, and FAST. It was now up to him to begin an aerial assault...He motioned for May Lee to go with him... And all the while, Aki screamed, and screamed, and screamed. It had been done, Sloth was no longer what he thought. He had become more so. Yampu was gone, and the only traces of good in his power emanated through Jason alone for Sloth very much desired pure power. There was no more Yampu, no longer a crutch for Controlled to live by. He returned home. Where was home? The Ethereal plains were emptied after the fall. Where was his heavenly home? The last hiding place for his family? He was free, from everything in the mortal world. But freedom while lost can be a nasty and confusing combination. He drifted, leaving the battlefield shores. He returned to Khazan though still unaware of his surroundings. He landed softly on the ground, pulled his trench-coat tight around him and began to walk the streets of Lowtown. He passed cleaning crews that were still removing the stench from the walls and sidewalks. There was only one building still open for business. He walked into the church not knowing why he had this need to sense another holy spirit. There were roughly 15 people also sitting in pews obviously going over their daily prayers hoping for the fast recovery of their streets. Time passed slowly as he sat in his row. A spirit came to him. It wasn�t what he expected. It felt as though she was present with him in that building. His senses were sure of it, but nothing prominent came to his vision. Time wore on and all but one other woman left the church. Almost reaching a dream state once again, a priest came up to Jason and asked whether he would like a place to sleep for the night. The woman still crouched in the pew with her head down, as if she was sleeping. He looked up at the priest and shook his head. Jason arose and began to walk towards the door. The priest was about to ask the woman the same question when Jason heard her speak in a faint voice; �Please, don�t leave me�� �Hey Sloth, Isn�t that the headquarters? Looks like they are trying to steal our body count.� Sloth grumbled �Not on my shift�� The two of them looked at each other. Magnus was a little scabby and covered in his own blood for once. Sloth was crackling lightly. Magnus smirked, �Let�s Rock� The two of them walked towards the circling towers, as true warriors never run, need to conserve energy for the coming battle. Magnus prepared his modified IMUG, he changed the setting to high, and made sure the fractured lens was still in there. Although it was less likely to kill any one person, it would seriously cook a whole crowd. Magnus remembered the smell last time he fired this thing, like cooked rabbit. He hated to admit it but it had made him very hungry� They trudged to near where the towers circled each other. The Fubar ninja army laid decimated, bodies everywhere. Many of Nim�s forces where also strewn about. Some giant Fred Durst clones here, some tanks there, and some golf carts lying around. The place was a mess and very few people where left standing. Magnus and Sloth polished them off as they went. Most of the action was between the two circling towers. Magnus looked at Sloth, �We got to get in Nim�s tower, that has to be where they have Twiggy.� Sloth nodded his head as he slit a ninja�s throat. �Hey Sloth aren�t they on our side? � �Their fodder is all I know and easy kills. Great for the body count.� So Magnus shrugged and pointed the Modified IMUG shotgun at a nearby group of Cannon Fodder ninjas, and squeezed the trigger. Crazy waves of blue light swirled around hitting the ninjas. Disturbing popping noises and wailing came from the group of ninjas. An appetizing smell like cooking rabbit filled the air. Surprisingly all of the ninjas managed to just get wounded and not killed. They where all seriously half baked though. Magnus squeezed of another round, and again the crazed swirls of IMUG hit the ninjas, who had remained nicely grouped. More popping and cracking noises, with even more wailing came from the ninjas. The smell of cooked meat was now very strong. It was then that Magnus remembered, bullets and rays only wound ninjas, you have to finish them hand to hand. At this point Sloth was staring at Magnus, �Hey hurry up and finish them, that gnome is probably going to do something to blow us up if we don�t get there soon.� Magnus pulled his recently improved Rattan sword and charged the ninjas. In their maimed state Magnus was able to pull several multiple head pop shots and some head to crotch splits. It lacked much of the joy though as they where already disabled. It was then that Magnus realized he was very hungry�.. Now fully restored, refueled and reloaded the magical mystery tour bus shot out of the 61st floor make shift hangar. A rainbow of colors blasted from it's tailpipe. It was obviously fueled with liquid FU. Willie had noticed the damage done to the building. Banquo actually called down wondering what the hell was going on. "What the Hell is going on down here?" Said Banquo, almost healed from the last mishap. Willie showed him the view screens. We're taking a lot of damage, about as much as we're dishing out. So then submerge and hit the other building where it's weakest. Ahh, yes, we'll go through the back door! Willie got on the com... General Pecker here! The war counsel has decided that at the right moment, when everything seems bleakest we shall show the enemy our fleeing skills only to pierce them through the back side! Commander, I think it's about time we ended this war with style and wittyness, not overzealousness and the old "My guns are bigger than your guns" type of attitude! It's been done far too many times and will be what the enemy expects. Pecker out! Admiral Dave nodded, "True enough...I was hoping to board their vessel after latching onto it with grappling hooks...buuut...Oh come on! Don't *I* get a Bold Font?!?" David turned to see why. There stood LotFU Student D. "HOLY GOD! What happened to you!?!" For a good representation of what LotFU Student D looked like, have a random ninja get hit by a car, a baseball bat, a wrecking ball, and the ugly stick. Otherwise said, not a pretty sight. The FUBAR Martial Artist sighed, "You should see the other guy." Wiseass Dave grinned, "You know how powerful the forces of anticlimactica are for us to be living in this very moment?" The Martial Artist nodded, "Best not to think about it." Dan/TDO interrupted. "Well sir, I just sent a message to Sloth to get his ### up to saving Twiggy...apparently he was captured." Wiseass Dave replied, "Good, tell them to hurry before this story blows up completely...and can you tell me how Nihilist and Gibberish are doing..." "What the f#$% is that?!?!?!", wondered Banquo, as he spied the enemy ship with his binoculars. "And how the heck did they get so small?" The answer to the second question was, Banquo was holding his binoculars backwards. The previous question, nobody onboard had an answer to. The crew of the other ship had begun placing what seemed like large circular pieces of glass all over the ship. "They kinda look like...lenses?" It was then that the last lens was put in place. Focusing the light of the sun in just the right way, each lens focused its light to another lens, which further refined the energy, sending it to yet another lens, which ultimately became focused on a single lens at the front tip of the vessal. The very sunlight had been made into a lazer of incredible destructive force, of which the HQ took a direct hit. Considerable damage had been done to the paint job and numerous extras and red-shirted ensigns lost their lives, but the HQ was still operational. "Cap'm!", pleaded Namic over the intercom. "I don't think she'll be able to take another hit like that, whatever that was! "Ok guys, remember my speach about ended this war with style and wittyness? The time is now! All hands below decks! Prepare to dive!" -------- "Captain! The enemy is retreating!", reported one giant Fred Durst clone. "Pursue, fire at will," ordered 'Captain' Nim. "They've somehow managed to dig a hole and are travelling underground, I can't see them!" "Excellent. Switch to the seismic detectors. Release the boring drill charges." Nim turned to someone to his right side. "A land-based U-boat battle. They're reacting exactly as you predicted. And that solar-powered lazer was pure genius." "Twas nothing. I've got much more and better things in store." "You and me, Twiggy, we are destined for great things. You did the right thing in trusting me. Together, I will get my balls back, and FU- er... LotMU will pay for its crimes." Twiggy squeezed the hair scrunchy, which he held in his pocket. His mother had worn a scrunchy just like it on her beard. He had not forgotten her last words. "They'll try to surface underneath us, ram into us where we're the most vulnerable. If we can dodge that, we should be able to get behind them and take out their engines." Soon. Soon, but not yet. His palms grew sweaty, as he squeezed ever tighter. The H.M.S. Phallacio Hornblower, a.k.a. the FUBAR HQ in land-based vessal mode, had successfully become the world's only land-based submarine (a subterraine?). The plan was to surface right underneath the enemy, but certain circumstances where making that exceedingly difficult. "Two more depth charges! We'll be feeling the impact in 3...2...1...", reported KiZeR, as shockwaves rocked the ship. "Where'd Nim get all these awesome weapons all of a sudden?", wondered Admiral Dave. "More than that, its almost as if he's anticipating our every move! Banquo was right, just when we think we've got him beat, Nim gets 3 times more crafty and 5 times more deadly!" "Sir, we're taking a beating here," reported Navigations Officer Docnfoid. "Those depth charges are making it impossible to to get underneath the enemy." The plan couldn't be enacted. Attacking in the intended way would be suicide. With Nim's new lazer cannon, resurfacing would be suicide. Retreat might have been be a possibility, but there was a very good possibility that Nim's ship was faster above ground then FUBAR was below. Only one option was left. "Full stop, turn off the engines! Silent running." The waiting game began. And just as it began, it ended. Dan/The Devouring One finally said it, "Aww I'm sick of this sh!t." Wiseass Dave nodded, and motioned to the others around him. "Ladies and gentlemen, he's sick of this ####. We're all sick of this ####. So you know what? I'm finishing this mother bugger. KiZeR, what's our Health Bar say?" KiZeR checked the readouts, "...down to 1/4 usual vitality." Dave asked, "And our Special Bar?" KiZeR checked again, "Third Tier." Dave pulled out a Control Pad. "Time to finish this." A question for the ages: How does an HQ yell "SHORYUKEN!" as it hits another HQ with a flying uppercut? The Answer: Bagpipes. Lots and lots of bagpipes. The HQ jabbed at Nim's with a dozen blows from its mighty non-existent fists and feet, pulling off massive combo hits that would crush a mountain... Wiseass Dave smiled as he looked at his health bar. "ON MY MARK! PREPARE...FOR SHUNGOKUSATSU!" Shungokusatsu. The Ultimate Attack. The Lv3orMax special move which made the screen go black as a million blows were struck at the same time, eliminating any hope of an enemy for survival...and making a nifty japanese character/symbol appear behind the deceased enemy as the Living Fighter had his back turned to the camera. If there was a time for Twiggy to do whatever his task was, NOW would be it. Ok boys and girls, who here has seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? Good, very good. You know that seen at the end, where the Enterprise has just ripped Khan's ship a new one? Just before he sets off the Genesis device? Well, picture that on Nim's ship, except him and Twiggy are the only ones left alive. *Brrrsssh*..."This is the FUBAR...*brrrrrsh*..we demand your immediate and unconditional surrende*rrrsssshhhhh*. I repeat..." The communications system, on which Communications officer May Lee's voice broadcasted, was probably the only thing that still worked on the wrecked vassal. Still Nim pressed random buttons in a futile attempt to strike one last time at his nemesis, or perhaps just escape. For Twiggy, the time was now. "Sir, we still have on last chance for victory!" "How?", yelled Nim as he grabbed and lifted the gnome by his collar. "Tell me! How! Spit it out, you pathetic little man!" "Um...ack! Choking! Okay. Remember when I said I had more brilliant inventions? The greatest of them all, I have right here." Twiggy produced the hair scrunchie from his pocket. "What is it? How does it work?" barked Nim, snatching it from Twiggy's hands. A psychic accelerator! Just put it on your head, like a headband, and you'll have insane Akira-from-the-manga level telekinetic powers! Nim put on the scrunchie, just as Twiggy advized. "Yes! FUBAR will rue the day they crossed me!" Nim began to search his pockets for something. "Oh, I've been waiting for this moment...where is it? I final have an opportunity to say it and where is it? Ah, here! My copy Moby #### with the good lines highlighted!" o_0 "Ahem! From hell's heart, I stab at thee...for hate's sake, I spit my...last breath...at thee...oh, uh...I...feel...dizz...izzy. Waz happin...nin." "Cheap, 5 cent hair scrunchie. You feel dizzy because the elastic is squeezing your head so tight, its cutting off blood flow to your brain. The rubber that it's made out of is defective. If it put it in a warm place under pressure for too long, it gets ultra-tight, and damn near unbreakable. My mom had one just like it. Good ole' mom. Remember when you were lecturing me about who I should trust? You, and not FUBAR? My mom's last words were, 'Never trust anyone over 3 feet tall.' I don't trust FUBAR any more than I trust you. That's why I joined them in the first place. The best way I can think of to stop any anti-gnome aggression before it starts, is to be on the inside." Its around this point that Twiggy noticed Nim was unconscious, and probably had been for at least 3/4 of his monologue. ------------------ Meanwhile, back on the bridge of FUBAR HQ... "Dave! We're receiving a transmition from Nim's HQ-ship thingy!", said Communications officer May Lee. "Well that's kind of them...but how did they know the FUBAR van needed a new transmition?" "Not that kind of transmition!" "Right....on screen." "Aye, maty! Seein' as how Captain Nim's incapacitated and everyone else is dead, I, Twiggarious Lilipucion McGee do declare that I'm now commanding officer of this here fine Vessel/Headquarters." "Twiggy! You're alive! Damn it." "Ha! You said he wouldn't survive, that's 50 yen for me! w00t! I wonder...how many smoothies can 50 yen buy?" "Nothing. 50 yen is practically nothing. Anyway, what about Random Ninja #512? Did you manage to save him?" "Yep, he's right here. Wave to the people #512!" "..." Somewhere in the back, some noted that Twiggy had not said, "Ninja master says", and so #512 committed seppicuu on the spot. By the powers invested in my by the fact that nobody gives a damn, I hereby declare this chapter... OVER!!!! And we now take you to our commander, for final thoughts... the moral of this chapters story... and the decree of the next commander... DMOD... Nihilist and Dr Caraway wander onto the bridge. Both of them are badly sunburnt, and wearing large Sombrero's. They are also carrying a large number of carrier bags, which clank suspiciously. "Hey all. Sorry we missed all the fun. We decided we couldn't be bothered, so we went on vacation instead. But before you all get mad, we brought back as many duty free bottles of booze and smoothies as we could carry, so it's not like we were slacking off or anything. So, did we mss anything exciting?" Wiseass Dave looked to the Assembled FUBARians. "Unfortunetely, Nim escaped at the last minute. I'm not going to ask how, and you shouldn't either." He adjusted his admiral uniform, "Ladies and gentlemen. We be done. Finally. That said, I have made my choice for the next commander. His bravery in the face of...something...is truly amazing: Twiggy McGee! Consider yourself in command." He turned to the others, "Sorry about mucking the chapter up a bit, but hey, we survived, didn't we?" He continued, "Twiggy, remember, we're still on the random Desert Island, so take us away!" Notable quotes: MightyMeatyMan "...anyone who posts is subject to the last Son of Mojo's benignly entertaining John-isms, even Landon. John, I've been here more than two years now, and you adopted me, so I'd say you're not so much a 2 year vet as you are "an FPL tradition for nearly a quarter of a decade." --Ivan, truthspeaker DMOD Sensei Ninjitsu Master Rob: Ninja sex is an ancient and secret art. Neither partner actually knows that its happened...they just have the urge to smoke. Kizer Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality The successful people are the ones who can think up stuff for the rest of the world to keep busy at. - Don Marquis Twiggy Chances are, the post you just read will be editted and re-editted about 15 times within the next 10 minutes. I'm just fickle like that. Namic You can't even go out for a pizza anymore without tripping over some damned mutant or meta-human. Docinfoid WELL SWEET CREAM ON AN ICE CREAM SAMMICH! The fifth commandment is don't say eskimo out loud! READ WENDY COMICS! STOP READING MY SIGNATURE Nihilist Dust Particle - Nihilist's Random Musings. Yet more rambling about the insides of my head. |