| The Wedding Story |
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| Last Revision Made: 5/9/02 |
| Act 1 Scene starts: Wedding Music begins Groom takes his position with Best Man at his side waiting for the bride. Auntie has a short dialogue with groom wherein she licks her hand, wipes his face, fixes his bowtie, cumber bun and pants...etc... Mother of Groom drags her back to the pew and has another little dialogue as the bridesmaid makes her way down the isle. Maid of Honor walks down and cell phone goes off, She picks it up and tells the to call her back. Where she keeps the cell phone is a mystery... Bride starts her walk with her father as the Wedding March begins. FREEZE The Wedding planner makes her way around the audience and begins her monologue. WP: Ladies and gentleman, Hello and welcome to the Windham Theatre. Thank you for joining us here for this Holy Ceremony of love. (*Rise of eyebrows*) Due to extreme circumstances the wedding will be held (*cough*cough*) HERE! In the event of a repeat of last nights, FIRE, the exits are located at the front and rear of the auditorium. Please refrain from smoking, lighting matches, passing gas, lighting matches while passing gas, etc. etc. Also the use of cell phones or any other electronic device is expressly prohibited. If there is one thing that bursts my brazier, is when the wedding is just beginning, the bride is walking down the aisle and someone�s phone starts playing that William Tell overture! (*Sing it*) (*Then my phone goes off playing that song* hit myself) Then say: �I�m so stupid how could I be so stupid!� This is a story about a slew of characters, not actors, but real characters. You will follow them through tonight�s ceremony and into the reception. How this story will end up, is still a mystery to me so pay close attention. My name is Wendy Pacino, Niece of Al Pacino. I am the wedding Planner. Kiki: (looks at Groom and sighs) "Him, I could have had him! But who cares about me. I'm only the baby of the family. Loraine, always getting what she wants. Marriage, All it is, is the time where your sister takes away the guy you could have had. All I can do is stand here, pretending to be happy. I don't know how long I can let this go on for. Loraine always got what she wanted, and always will I guess." She goes back into the freeze and the Wedding Planner starts the show again. WP: Oh, and one more thing, if anything goes wrong tonight, I WILL have a nervous breakdown. It's not a pretty picture, I suggest not doing it. So can we please attempt to make this night unforgettable. At least for my sake. Thank-you, and enjoy the show." Music starts and the walk begins again as everyone unfreezes. Father gives the bride to the groom and takes his seat. Groom and Bride look at each other and then look around confusedly when the music stops and there is no priest. Just when the silence gets to be too much and people start to get ancy, the priestess yells out from the back Pr: I've Found it. She comes back to the altar toting a huge book, obviously the bible. She plops the book down on the ground and stands on the book to get high enough to see everyone. She fixes her robes Pr: Okay, just a moment. Be ready in a sec. She gets out a few note cards Pr: Who are you again? (she looks for her glasses to start the ceremony.) WP slaps her head The couple whisper their names in the priestesses ear and Ray and Vivian start talking while the priestess looks for her glasses. Ray: Gee, she's kind of a load, don't you think? Viv: Your the one who found her. Ray: Well, she was only $50 Viv: $50, Where did you pick her up anyways? Ray: Same place I found you dear... She sits back again trying to think up a reason for why he said that and the attention turns to the sisters on the other side. The MOG and the Aunt get confused on who�s talking about what: Aunt: Something�s just not right with that girl. Evie: Yes, I think our little boy is making too big of a decision. Aunt: I think it�s her hair. Evie: Would have much preferred if he had married that nice girl next door. Aunt: What�s her name again? Evie: Bertha Margaretson. Aunt: She�s somewhat annoying too. Evie: Bertha? I always thought she was such a nice girl. Always got good grades. Aunt: (she tries to remember by sounding it out) Lilly, no, Looffie, no, Lorrie! What were you saying? Evie: I said, I wanted him to marry Bertha. She wouldn�t steal our baby away from me. Aunt: Bertha? When she come in? Evie: I don�t know anymore� Viv: Now, what was that suppose to mean? pauses Ray: Um, She floated down from heaven. Viv: I don't want to hear this from you. We wouldn't even be at this stupid high school auditorium if you knew how to work the fire extinguisher. Ray: Well, apparently I put your flame out. Viv: How much did this place cost, 25 cents, A gum ball would've been a better purchase. Ray: No, Mr Blane cut me a really good deal, $101.72 Viv: A hundre... You know we have more money from selling some of my parents assets if we needed it. Ray: The only assets I wanted from your parents was yours. Viv: I don't know why I married you in the first place. Ray: I do, it was because I go you really dr.. (she gives him the look) shutting up now. Aunt: Your baby? He�s our baby. Evie: Who gave birth to him? Aunt: I took care of him. Evie: Yeah, While I worked 55 hours a week to support us! FREEZE Aunt: Okay, she�s not the only one who�s been working for over 20 years, but I can�t tell her that I now run an escort service and have accumulated enough money so that we�ll never have to work again. I started it several years ago after retiring from the Str� entertainment business. I know, I know, I don�t look like the type who sets up a dating game service with a little extra something on the side. But, Noah deserves to have a perfect life, life isn�t good without money. Which I realize now that I�m rolling in. It�s just business, don�t tell Evie, she�d never let me see Noah again if she found out. UNFREEZE Evie: I take your silence as agreement. Aunt: You win, he�s yours. I�ve done nothing for Noah. (sarcastic tone) Evie: Now don�t you play the guilt trip on me. Pr: Fill us with your love oh Lord... Leo: I'll fill you with my love... Pr:...And we will sing for joy all our days. May the goodness of the Lord be upon us and give sex...uh...success to the...work of our hands. Leo: I bet your hands are very talented. Pr: Ahem, we're trying to have a wedding here... Leo: Yeah, right� Priestess hands him a book and says the following lines Pr: And now the best Man will give us a reading from the book of Exodus - Leo: Early in the morning Moses went up to Mount Sinai as the Lord had commanded him, taking along two stone tablets. Having come down in a cloud, the Lord stood with Moses there and proclaimed his name, "Lord." Thus the Lord passed before him and cried out, "The Lord, the Lord, a merciful and gracious God, slow to anger and rich in kindness and fidelity." Moses at once bowed down to the ground in worship. Then he said, "If I find favor with you, O Lord, do come along in our company. This is indeed stiff-necked people; yet pardon our wickedness and our sins, and receive us as your own." The Word of the Lord. Pr: Thank You, and now a reading from the second letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians done by our Maid of Honor. (MoH gets her cell-phone out and makes a call explaining to her agent that this is a perfect time to go over her reading ability. She warms up doing actor things and then is ready, She does the monologue extremely dramatic-like). CK: Brothers and sisters rejoice. Mend your ways, encourage one another, agree with one another, live in peace, and the God of love and Peace will be with you. Greet one-another with a holy kiss. All the holy ones greet you. The Grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with all of you. The Word of the Lord. Pr: Thanks be to God, ---thank you for that Ms. Kanes. And now a reading from the Holy Gospel according to John: (gets out her note-cards.) Pr: God so loved the world that he gave his only son so that everyone believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. (turns note card) He lifted up the rod, and smote the waters that were the river, in the sight of Pharaoh and in the sight of his servants, and the water turned to blood... Noah: Cool! Pr: What, (turns note cards over confused) This doesn't sound right. Ohhhh, wrong one. here we go, all set! So God gave his son in love but not in vain. The Gospel of the lord, Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ. Pr: Please kneel... (kneeling joke) Pr: We are here to celebrate the union of two people who have descended from the... (2 post-it notes are seen on the bottoms of the grooms feet spelling out "Help Me") (WP goes frantic) WP: We have an article 5 section 2 situation! DJ: What are you talking about? WP: I'm going in!, Cover ME! She does a belly flop on the ground and crawls military style towards the groom in the main aisle. DJ: (franticly) What On Earth Are You Doing? Pr: May the love they share never falter and may all revel in their happiness on this blessed day. WP ignores comment. She gets within grabbing distance of the feet and takes out a long grabbing claw device and picks off the post it notes. She speaks into the mic, WP: Eagle 5, Mission accomplished, returning to home base for debriefing" (crawls back military style) (priestess motions for them to stand again. The couple rises Pr: May we have the rings? Leo: Of course (reaches into pockets and can�t find them) One moment please�( walks over to Candy) Um.. Candy CK: Mmm? (applying make up, not paying attention) Leo: (hushed tone) Last night, where�d I put the rings? CK: Ohhhh�(annoying laugh insert) you left them on the nightstand. I remember cause you kept talking about one nightstand. Leo: (looks embarrassed) yess� CK: (pulls rings out of her bra) Here� I figured they�d be important. (Hands them to the priestess) Pr: (Whispers to the couple) What were these for again? - Oh yeah, The Ring is a symbol of� (action switches to the rear of the auditorium to the WP and her helper). WP: Jones, we have a section 18, article 6. Remove it. DJ: (shouting) A WHAT? WP: Shhh! DJ: WHAT?! WP: Use your headset. DJ: MY WHAT? WP: (points to head) The headset, use the headset! DJ: HUH?! WP: (hisses) COME HERE! DJ: (jogs over) What do you need. WP: The section 18, article 6. Remove it. DJ: Behoove it? WP: NO REMOVE IT! DJ: Remove what? WP: The section 18, article 6. DJ: And do what now? WP: Remove it! Remove it! God Jones, all I ask is that you study the guide book and know the codes. DJ: What code? WP: In the guide book. DJ: What guide book? WP: The Wendy Pacino Guide To A Successful Wedding. Written by me. DJ: Riigght. That one. Yeah, I know it. WP: So remove the section 18, article 6. DJ: Who is it? WP: It's not a who, it's a what. DJ: What? WP: Yes? DJ: Where? WP: What do you mean? DJ: Where's the what? WP: Where? DJ: Yes, when? WP: (frustrated) You're confusing me! DJ: (annoyed) You're confusing me. WP: Just remove the flowers from pew 3. DJ: (grinning) Sure, the section 18, article 6 right? (Wendy walks away talking to herself about hired help, clearly annoyed.) Pr: And now we turn to the Profession of faith We believe in one God, the father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. Father snores once Pr: We believe in the Lord, Jesus Christ, The only Son of God, Eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light form Light, True God from true God, Begotten, not made, One in Being with the Father. Father snores again and Mother elbows/startles him awake. Priestess continues to mime the profession of Faith as the attention moves to CK. CK's cell goes off again and she starts carrying a conversation. Insert CK conversation to agent WP runs over to her. WP- Kanes, will you please turn off your cell phone for the remainder of the ceremony? it's very distracting. CK- um, well, I would, but my agent gets all yicky with me. Anyone could be calling with a casting offer. OH my gosh, what if Days of Our Lives calls me? And I missed the call? WP- they'll leave a message. CK- No, they'll call someone else. I don't think your as acting save-y as me. I'm a thespian. (smugly) WP- you're sexual orientation has nothing to do with this. Turn it off. Pr: We look for the resurrection of the dead, And the life of the world to come. Amen Pr: The couple have said that they have prepared their own vows. Good, less for me to read. (Groom looks to Best Man. Best Man hands the groom a piece of paper) Noah: She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean She was the best da... darn woman I had ever seen. She had the sightless eyes, Telling me no lies Knocking me out with those American...uh...eyes. You look like an angel, walk like and angel, talk like an angel But I got wise, you're the� (Groom looks at the paper double takes his wife and then looks at the BM.) ...uh...never mind Pr: Are you sure you want to go through with this? Noah: Um Pr: You wanna think about it for a second? Wife glares Noah Reacts Noah: To wife: �Yes dear�, turns back to priestess �Oh, Yes, go on.� Priestess motions to Lorraine, who gets ready, having memorized it a month ago. Lor: Would you love me in a year Will you whisper it in my ear? You took a guess, that I'd say yes. Standing here, with no fear, seeing our future clear. Pr: Are you really sure about this, I mean, there are other fish in the sea, you know one fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish. Chuckle snort laugh from maid of honor. CK: That was funny! No one else gets the joke. Pr: hmm, tough crowd (or �Good Crowd�, depending on audience reaction)� this actually reminds me of a movie I saw a week ago� The Father interrupts her Ray: OHHHHH, I get it, Dr. Suess. Ha. That was a good one. Pr: Riiight (said Dr. Evil Style), where were we? (flips note-card) Oh, yeah, I love this part, The I do's Pr: If all of you are following along in the program you�ll notice that at this time we would be doing the lighting of the candle of union thingy. We�re not going to be doing this because, one, we�re in a high school theatre, you know, fire code and all that. And 2 the last time we tried it a church, it burnt to the ground a priest caught on fire. I hope you understand why�Now, If anyone sees any reason for why these two should not be wed, Speak now� FREEZE Kiki: Ummm, I may not like my sister all the time but I still love her. I do want her to be happy. But it's killing me not to say anything... What am I thinking...what if he doesn't want me? I would just embarrass myself and everyone else...(pause) Is it worth it? UNFREEZE Pr: or forever hold your peace� Ray: (grabs at and gets his hat back) YES! Pr: Good, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife, you may smoochie smooch the bride... they kiss Pr: I give you a new commandment: Love one another as I loved you, says the Lord. (pause) It is now my distinct...distinct?...anyways...distinct pleasure to introduce Mr & Mrs. Noah Sarkie. Heh, that's funny, isn't that the story of all those animals and stuff. (the couple corrects her) Ohhh, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Savarki! (Hopeful Applause will commence) (Piano Music Cue) They walk down the isle following the bridesmaid who has gotten pissed and in tears at herself for not speaking up. The Maid of honor follows and the Best Man stays with the Priestess. |
| Intermission Bridesmaid storms off into the cafeteria. Bride, Groom, and Maid of Honor take their place in the receiving line to greet people exiting from theatre. Parents Join the line when they kiss/hug/shake hand their family members. Wedding planner shoos the audience out and notices the gaps in the receiving line. She yells into her headset some article and section number and tells the rest of the �techies� to start setting up without her. She bumps into the Photographer and makes sure that he�s ready. A little interestingly dressed but ready. Once receiving line leaves to cafeteria WP motions to photographer to start shooting outside. Photographer puts the wedding party into some really strange positions. He puts them in a normal position when the WP comes strolling out with the Bridesmaid who doesn�t want her picture taken. The two families start into the cafeteria and have a small bite to eat. Mingling ensues. WP goes back into the auditorium and changes the signs on the doors from Wedding to Reception Hall. Inside the carpet is being taken back up, Chairs put aside and tables brought in. Everything shifts. What was the alter before moves out of site and the podium is set up near the sound/light/DJ booth. Piano is taken out and a bar area is put in it�s place. Sorry, only water is served at this reception. The curtain is pulled out of the way to reveal a big banner and the wedding party table. |