There's just a lot of life I want to have before having kids. Trying to raise them now would only make me regretful and spiteful of them. And that's not something I want to do. When I have kids, I want to be able to give them my full time and attention, be grateful that I have them, and try to give them the best life I possibly can.
So I may not technically know anything of fatherhood, but I'm not totally in the dark about what it means to be a parent. I own a dog.
Many of you out there would say that comparing pet ownership with parenthood is cheating. I would have to disagree. I mean, you love your pet right? You have to teach both of them not to shit all over the place. Many of us take them to doctors when they're hurt and sick, and a lot of poeple are very protective of their pets. People like me has it turns out.
This tale beings on a simple January day. I am lounging around the house, enjoying the last pure day of freedom I have before I start my new job. It occurs to me that I let my dog Keena into the backyard for a bathroom break and some fresh air, several hours ago and it's probably time to bring her in. I step outside and has I open the backyard gate, a flash of lightning that looks like a brown and white beagle bolts out of the yard and runs down the street. Now normally such things don't bother me, but today it does. For you see, my beloved pooch has become a woman. She started her first period a few days ago and I suspect she is very much in heat. So, male dog in the backyard, Keena now a woman.......Oh yeah, the gears are really turning on this one.
I try to be logical and reasonable about this. My Keena, is a stout mid-sized dog who's about has tall as my knee. Whereas, this puny little dog is about the size of my fist and escaped from the backyard through a gap in the fence that could barely accomodate a squirrel. It would take some serious aerobic ability to get their parts into position, much less completing the task. Plus, my Keena is a good dog who wouldn't do things like that, so it's really of no concern. I'm being a perfectly logical human being about this.
I was also being a perfectly logical human being when I flipped my dog onto her back to examine the surface of her privates for any kind of disruption. I'm not exactly sure what I was looking for. I don't spent a whole lot of my time investigating female genetalia for signs of sexual activity, much less a female dog's genetalia., but I figured I had taken enough Biology and Sex Ed. courses to know when something looks fucked up, and in my professional opinion nothing did. So I dismissed it.
Sometime a few hours later while I was in the kitchen, Keena starts scratching at the door, wanting to go outside. I'm skeptical, but hey I'm a logical human being, and I open the door. Then, I follow her to the backyard, find the gap where I saw that horny little turd flee from earlier, and slap the biggest piece of firewood in front of it. "Ha!" I laughed to myself. "That'll show that little homewrecker!" "I bet that little shit didn't count on me being so damn birlliant did he?" I walk back into the house with a triumphant strut in my step.