| Lindz's Little Shop of Randomness Feeling of de ja vu anyone? This is (yet another) page where I entertain myself and hope to make you laugh also by writing endless nonsense which relates vaguely to my obscure sense of humour. Although it's true that if you laugh you probably deserve to be shot under the "Breach Of The Peace" laws. Sorry honey, you're about to be deported to Australia for your part in this heinous crime. See also: "Random Things That I Have Drawn". |
| Equal Opportunities in the IT Industry A very mad person called Dan (and let's face it, you'd have to be mad to talk to me on MSN, never mind in real life) suggested to me that his GNVQ IT exam was so easy, a trained ant could have done it. This started me thinking. 1. What would the ant be trained as? For example, I don't think that teacher training, or a training course in plumbing, would help anyone much in GNVQ IT, insect or otherwise. 2. How do you train an ant? I doubt they respond much to offers of treats or persistance treatment. Despite the fact that, far from convincing them to perform, dog treats would be more likely to kill them either by squashing them flat (as is the unfortunate tendency with ants) or they could eat so much that they died. Dan then made the point that it would also have to be some kind of extra-evolved mutant ant, as it would have to be slightly more intelligent than your average insect (so that it wouldn't forget what it was supposed to be doing and accidentally eat the paper), and sufficiently large to hold a pen. At this particular point in time Dan is currently preparing to become the first person ever to coach an ant through a GNVQ IT exam (although he is concerned it must pass to merit him a place in the record books. He claims "there is something very wrong with the system"). He also has a theory that ants have already been trained as teachers, we are just currently unaware of it, and that "it is all a conspiracy". Don't worry, the men in white coats are keeping a very close watch on him. Dave: Hairpiece Extraordinaire It is an unfortunate but true fact that in this day and age, supposedly one of self-expression and acceptance, that some things still simply do not get recognised for the artpieces that they are. An example of this is the hairstyle modelled so shamelessly by David Rocke. Always one for individuality (how many scary 17-year-olds do you know with an admirable collection of Smurf merchandise in their rooms?), Dave's latest project is a hairstyle not unlike that of Michael Jackson circa the 1970s. On being asked how his hair has affected his life, Dave thinks for a while. "Well, it's certainly been very useful. I now have to do hardly anything for myself as it does my shopping for me. And makes me toast." That's very interesting. "Oh yes, it has a life of its own. Unfortunately it did mean I had to get it it's own bus pass and student I.D. Partly because it won't fit on the photo with me." Has it got any special skills then? "Yes, it's very musical. It's studying for it's grade 6 banjo exam. And it is very intelligent, I'm never at loss for someone to talk to while I'm waiting for a bus. We've had some very intellectual conversations." So has it really improved your life? "Oh yes. I would certainly recommend this experience to anyone. No-one really knows you like your own hair, it really gets inside your head. It's much better than a pet because it's always with you, and no-one moans if it sits on the furniture." So there you have it: at last, Dave's hair recieves the recognition it deserves. Dave, I salute you. Boy Unblocks Stream A potential disaster was averted by a courageous young man who wishes not to be named. A small stream was blocked with clay and so he poked it with a stick and scraped it with his hands for about 1 3/4 hours until the stream was unblocked. An eye witness, Christine, said "Yes, he's obsessed with all things to do with streams. After he unblocked the stream, he timed some random detritus to see how long it took to go down it." When questioned, the boy said "I love streams! I love the excitement of races between fir cones and twigs, and the thrill that unblocking a dammed stream brings..." This may be another person the authorities would be advised to watch. |