friends

101 Ways To Make Lots Of Friends

Originally started as a kind of game between me and a certain madman, this list is meant as a little helping hand through the perilous, pitfall-ridden maze that is sociability. Please take as much of this tried-and-tested advice as is appropriate, as if you don't you may well live to regret it.

1. Don't be antisocial - introduce people to your alternative personalities.
2. Try to engage them in conversations about your disreputable relatives.
3. Challenge people to spitting competitions in places such as the cinema, just outside the local police station, Buckingham Palace etc.
4. When people are talking to you, fall asleep mid-sentence.
5. Say loudly "I'm sorry, I got bored and stopped listening" if you don't hear what people say.
6. If you haven't heard a question you are expected to answer, bluff. E.g, Q. "Do you have the time?", A. "Well my personal view on the Palestinian crisis is..."
7. Tread on people's toes on purpose.
8. Start pointless conversations about the truth behind the "10 Green Bottles" song.
9. Regularly forget people's names. Even ones you've known since birth.
10. Shout "Cross the road!" whenever you do.
11. Swear in front of small children and other people's grannies.
12. Talk at length about subjects you know nothing about.
13. In arguments, make up evidence to support your points.
14. When introduced to a friend's new boy/girlfriend, say "Ooh so you're David/Louise" (only works if their name is not David/Louise)
15. In toy shops, set off all the talking toys at once.
16. When walking with people, disappear suddenly so that they think they're going mad.
17. In supermarkets, throw things (toilet rolls, boxes of cereal, shop employees) over the shelves into the next aisle.
18. Educate young children about the food chain by feeding their goldfish to the cat.
19. Feed the pigeons.
20. Hug complete strangers.
21. Start an STD support group.
22. Tell people they exist only in your imagination.
23. When told people's names, reply "Oh! You look more like an Albert/Agatha".
24. Sing instead of talking.
25. Pretend to be a Star Wars character. E.g. your phone rings on the train. Say loudly: "Oh no, the Dark Side are near, where is my light sabre?".
26. When in the cinema, make loud predictions on the plot development, either ludicrously wrong ones or else exactly right in every minute detail, thus completely ruining the story.
27. Whenever you see birds flying overhead, scream "The vultures! The vultures are coming!"
28. Shout "Keep away from my man!" to random women in the street.
29. When people annoy you, tut loudly and say "I don't know why I married you."
30. Sit very still and pretend you're dead.
31. Turn around and look behind you when people talk to you.
32. Steal other people's food.
33. Tell people about your (completely fictitious) illnesses and ailments. The more repulsive the better.
34. Introduce yourself as the illegitimate lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and Rolf Harris.
35. Shout "Spawn of Satan!" at children in the street.
36. Find the most ridiculously masculine man you can and call him "my poor little baby bunny".
37. Recycle Christmas cards - cross out the original name and write in someone else's.
38. Take offense to absolutely everything people say to you.
39. When introduced to someone, say "no, I'm not Michael/Francine, I'm his/her identical twin."
40. Pretend to be lost.
41. Drunkenly phone up ex-boyfriends and shout "You bastard!!" down the phone at them.
42. Buy a gorilla suit.
43. Be one of those statue people and chase people down the road if they don't give you any money.
44. Fight bouncers.
45. Proclaim loudly and at length about how bored you are in school/college lessons when the teacher walks through the door.
46. Hide in clothes racks in shops whispering "Buy me! Buy me!" as people walk past.
47. Regularly get very drunk and make a complete arse of yourself.
48. When your boyfriend's maiden aunt asks how you are, proclaim "I'm fine, considering I'm just recovering from an abortion".
49. Look at people intently, then say "You're one of them..." and walk as far away from them as possible.
50. Draw a circle on the floor, stand in it, and tell people that this is your personal space.
51. Only talk to people through a glove puppet.
52. Throw chocolate ice cream at other people's cars.

I know there aren't 101 (thank you JBB). More are on their way.