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| So now ... Adolesence | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Fucking confusing enough without the added bonus of TG issues added in for good measure. If I thought that childhood was difficult, how the fuck do I dive in here? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I probably had that fairly standard adolescent time. You know, the she don't fancy me because... If I looked like him then .... If I was more like this then ... All those things that you know the opposite sex are wanting. The "little" thing that made it a tad more awkward was that it's also what you are wanting to be see? Trouble is underneath all this is the knowledge that sometimes you want to be a girl. �And that's a major league thing to have sitting on the Subs bench. But at the end of the day how did the childhood set up make it thru' adolescence? After all it's supposed to be all change isn't it? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| This is where things get complicated again. Lets put the teenage years into context (kinda like I did with my early upbringing)� I had that alienation thing really bad, I never felt like I was part of a scene or a gang. I always felt on the edge of things, didn't seem to matter what that thing was I would always seem to fit on the outside edges never around the centre g spot. Friends were made really carefully - they were the almost misfits, never quite weird enough to stand out but equally never quite blending� in with the in-crowd types. I became a real fucking expert at fitting in on the edges always able to mix in but never big enough to be noticed.� And this was something I realised fairly early on in Puberty but the equal lesson was : you can fool the motherfuckers so easy! It was such a piece of piss to blur on the edge and disappear amongst the chaff. That really describes how I got through secondary school Neither good nor bad just anonymous in the middle. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So that last paragraph you read pretty much outlines who I was. I was that shy, thinking maybe effeminate boy who listened to The Cure and The Smiths who acknowledged the alienation and in fact celebrated it. I developed left wing tendencies early (not bad for a middle class boy from Hempstead) �along with a growing disdain for the world I saw around me which in turn increasingly seemed to reflect the masculine strata - over time I've come to call this non-affiliation ! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| But there were 4 specific events which I feel helped concrete Purple in as a lifelong companion. 1st - During my early teenage years my brother reached the peak of his hideousness. 2nd - I went through a mock execution from my "friends" complete with being stripped waist down, gun to the head and a fired blank bullet. 3rd - I was pressurised into changing my scout troop, my dad had been leader then he stepped down after which alot of the other lads had it in for me which made going undearable. 4th - My piano teacher was a perv, he used to sit you on his lap and stroke your leg getting off on it. Early in puberty I I became aware of what he was doing and I stopped going. I think I got away lightly as it could have been alot worse. Happily he committed suicide some years later. Pay attention again, important clarification coming up. I don't mean that these things somehow damaged me and I ended up a tranny. What I mean is that they cemented my childhood view of masculinity: it sucked. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Also it has to be admitted that I loved doing it, the thrill of looking in the mirror and seeing myself matching who I felt inside, I felt complete. And then of course my own sexuality was erupting. I had the full complement of "normal"� male desires: I wanted to fuck girls, I did fuck girls (bit of a late starter tho': I lost my virginity at 17), I loved girls. Purple, of course, was also developing a sexual identity and she wanted to be a sexy, desirable woman and sexual fulfilment became a part of the dressing. Not the be all and end all, I still dressed without having to orgasm it kinda became an added bonus! It wasn't a gay thing, I wasn't fantasising about men it was much more narcistic than that and was totally about myself. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You shouldn't think that it was actually that crystal clear at the time. I'm completely leaving aside the whole nightmare of coping with this tranny thing, the emotional pain, the psychological conflicts, denial, drink, drugs - It can be a fucking heavy, heavy, heavy battle that you fight, struggling to find acceptance of the self and that part of the story deserves its own space so you will find it elsewhere on the site. And Purple wasn't actually a known person, she was still hazy and hidden away from clear view. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| By the time I was 21, a young adult, there she was standing with me. Adam/Purple Purple/Adam, one and the same and really that's no different to how it had always been. Its just that now it was forever, I wasn't gonna grow out of it, instead I was gonna have to grow as both. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Adulthood ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| So now I'm 33 and the whole thing is pretty much settled. I don't really have a settled term for who I am tho'. Transvestite is how I would explain myself in general terms so Jo Public can get a handle on me but I think the gender definition I'm most comfortable with is Androgyne: neither one nor the other, maybe both, maybe neither. (Interestingly losing my cock has never been of interest to me, I don't want to look down there and see a pussy) I'm united in my head and heart the two me's really have grown together and there is only one person in here, I'm just two faced ! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| The scope of the dressing has evolved too. It's more than just dressing, its also a general feminisation as well. Mannerisms, posture, attitudes - subtle changes in my everyday life not just when I'm in knickers - I've brought those feelings across from my tranny side and I feel more open, calm and positive for having done so. I'm also more committed to the art of being convincing, I've pretty much eliminated body hair: chest, armpits, legs, bikini line - all as smooth as a womans. I take care of my skin , I use cleansers and moisturisers. My wardrobe is ever expanding, I have a lovely pair of silicone boobs a long brunette wig and as my make up skills improve so I get ever closer to finally looking the 110% woman I see in my head. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sexually, things have changed. I do now acknowledge a bisexual influence has come into play although this has not actually happened as yet. I do fantasise about sex with a man, I do want to be that woman. I'd like to be someone's girlfriend. I still desire women and want to be a man to a woman, it just kinda sits alongside lifelong heterosexual desires. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I'm not sure that I believe I will ever be involved in another serious relationship - that's the drawback for not being one or t'other: Not a man, not a woman, not gay, not straight.Not a future I seek but a realistic viewpoint to take? I don't think who I am sits in a relationship framework. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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