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June 4, 2002, 3:20pm
Well prom was a blast. I got drunk for the first time in my life. I had so much fun. And now school is almost over. Graduation is next Friday. I just finished my huge movie project for English and I'm basically checked out. We get yearbooks on Thursday. I can hardly believe its over. It's kind of hard to imagine life after Skyline. I got my housing packet from Willamette the other day. I hope I get into the dorm I want. I had a dance performance on Saturday which went well. I forgot to put it on the dance page, but it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't expecting anyone to come. But my French teacher, Mr. Kheriaty came! Tee-hee. He said I was really good. That makes me happy. Anyways, there's not much else to say. I am going to go burn some CDs now. I hope everyone is having a good day! Bubye!

May 22, 2002, 10:56am
Well prom is in two days and I am sick! I swear I have the worst luck ever when it comes to formal dances! Something always goes wrong! I hope I get better by Saturday! I finally got shoes yesterday. They aren't the gorgeous red ones from Aldo that wrap up your leg like I wanted, but they're cute and they were only $10, not $70, so I decided it was a necessary sacrifice. After all, all I am in debt. I am counting on getting some money from the family for graduation. I am getting really excited for college. And summer! I wonder where I should get a job. Someone needs to give me some ideas! So I guess there isn't much else new that I need to write about at the moment. All the interesting things are too private to disclose at this current juncture. I can't wait to go tanning today! Yay for fakeness!

May 16, 2002, 11:30am
I have dealt with all sorts of craziness before, but right now I am so stressed that I am just pushing everything aside because I can't even begin to handle it I am feeling totally overwhelmed. There are 20 days of school left and not enough hours in the day for me to accomplish everything that needs to be done. But this computer is too slow and I need to go have lunch now. I'll write more later and attempt to explain.

May 8, 2002, 8:21pm
Ok, don't ask me what's been going on in my life because frankly I don't even know. This past week has been like a whirlwind of far too many emotions. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I should start with what's on my mind at the moment which is prom. I've been tanning twice. I feel like such a sinner, but I look so much better now. I think its worth it, so don't lecture me about cancer. It's only for prom. It is important to me that I look my best. Plus tanning is fun. You lay down and relax in this tube where it is so warm. *sigh* It's great. Anyways, so I guess I am going to prom with Spencer. He's supposedly going to ask me soon. Which is pretty happy for me, since we'll be going in a big group and I can hopefully forget about the people there who I don't want to see. Also, since Spencer got back from Hawaii, we've kinda been working on our friendship and its gotten to the point where we realize how much we actually like each other as people. It's awesome. Anyways, I would have a lot of fun with him at prom, since it was the way I was planning it the entire year and all. I guess you have figured out by now from reading this (if you didn't already know) that I broke up with Chris. Don't worry though everyone. We're still friends. And that is going well too I think. I just have no desire to be in a serious relationship at the moment. I jumped into that too fast and it got too weird. So my birthday was ok. Pretty anti-climactic though. Chris really helped to make it special though. He is such a sweetheart! He brought me a rose at dance and gave me a silver bracelet with amethysts on it. It's quite pretty. *giggle* He dyed his hair purple today. It looks so awesome! And there's only 26 more days of school left. *sigh* I am almost done! I cant wait! Tee-hee. So that's some of the major stuff all summed up for those of you who care. Maybe I'll get into more detail later or something. RIght now I have to go work on the pictures section which is horrifyingly out of date. Actually this whole site could use a makeover. Hmmm... I'll see what I can do. I just wish I had more time!!! Ugghhh! Oh well. Tootles!

April 30, 2002, 5:38pm
Well I will be 17 tomorrow. Strangely, I am not very excited. There isn't really any reason to be. *sigh* Life is ok. I don't know. It's pretty weird right now. I am just taking it a day at a time. Stuff got weird with Chris after the first couple of days. I think we just jumped in to fast and wanted everything to be the way it used to right away, but the truth is we were apart for a really long time and both of us have changed. Not drastically, but still. We can't pretend that we've just been together this whole time and that the other relationships we have had didn't exist. We talked about it though and hopefully we can make it work. I don't know. *sigh* He is so good to me though. :) What a sweetheart! It's weird though because I'm still trying to be friends with Spencer. Obviously, I still have feelings for him. Today he asked Julie to prom. She is so pretty and little and popular. I just couldn't deal with it. It's so sad. I mean I have a boyfriend! Why should I care, right? Uggghhhhh! But that's life, ya know? Well I'm going to go doodle on my arm now before I head off to jazz. I hope everyone has a great day and don't forget to be nice to me tomorrow because it is my birhtday, ok? Thanks guys! :) Bubye.

April 20, 2002, 12:39am
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the happiest girl who ever lived! Life is so beautiful and I love everything and everybody! I can't even begin to tell you. *sigh* Wow! Ladies and gentlemen... Kindel's luck has changed. Not that its luck necessarily. It's actually more like the happy ending to a dramatic TV series. Truth is revealed and love prevails. I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened in the past few days. So I'll just talk about tonight I guess. I just got home from seeing The Scorpion King with Chris. I wasn't really expecting anything to come of it. But afterwards Chris was driving and he stopped and told me he had to tell me something. At first I was scared he had some big bad confession to make, but as he spit out the words, I just knew. And I took his hand. And it was perfect. The way he put it was a little funny. He said he is "totally retarded for me" Haha! It's cute though. I love him so much. Its like everything I've dreamed of and hoped for in the past 7 months or so came together tonight when I wasn't even expecting it. So we're together. *sigh* I can hardly believe it. I am so scared that this is all a dream and that tomorrow I am going to wake up and realize that it never happened. But it did! He's my boyfriend and I'm his girlfriend just the way it was always meant to be since we first started going out on November 15, 1999. I can't stop laughing! I am so happy!   I can't even stand to be this happy! In fact, I need to stop writing now and go to bed because if I don't stop smiling soon, my face will freeze this way! I hope that everyone in the world can be as happy as I am right now at least once in their lifetime. I have a feeling it can only get better from here!

April 17, 2002, 1:19pm
Wow life is great! I am so happy to be alive! Being single is great! I love it soooo much right now. I went shopping the other day and got tons of fun clothes. Also, today I might go shopping for some shoes to go with my prom dress. Its shorter in the front than in the back, so I need really cool shoes. I was thinking of getting ones that lace up my leg a bit or really dainty, barbie-like slides. I don't know yet, but I'm thinking of going to Southcenter. Also I need to go tanning. Ya! And I got my haircut yesterday. It's not THAT much shorter, but I really like it. I feel cute! I had dinner with Chris last night which was really nice. We went out for Chinese. It was cool because for the most part, I felt totally comfortable. I wasn't a total wreck like I usually am when I'm around him. It was just fun. I think now that I've finally accepted the whole being single thing, it's a lot easier because I'm not constantly thinking about how retarded I was to ever break up with him. It doesn't matter now. I guess its high time I get over it anyway seeing as its been like 8 months!!! I am so pathetic. Tee-hee. But it's ok! I am so happy now. I can't wait to graduate! Life is going to be so great from now on. I was so right about Spring Break being a turning point for me. Yay!

April 13, 2002, 10:52pm
I've been having a lot of ups and downs in the past few days. Sometimes I'm depressed and sometimes I'm great. It's kind of wearing, but there's a lot of new stuff that has come up that has caused me to think and change my outlook yet again. I think it's good stuff too... hopefully! Well I got asked to Prom on Friday. I came home from dance rehearsal and when I opened the door there was a trail of rose petals leading up the stairs into my living room. Hanging on the mantle of the fireplace, there was a sign with 'Prom' written in rose petals and leaves. On a chair below the sign there was a bouquet of six roses. It was so romantic! And then Mark came out of my kitchen and I said yes right away of course. I was so happy. I felt like I was glowing. Mark had been hanging out with my parents for like an hour because he wasn't sure when I'd be home. Apparently they liked him because he stayed at my house until really late that night. Mark and I hung out and chatted until Cara came over about an hour later. Then we went out for ice cream with my mom. We were all hanging out downstairs while my sister was talking online to a guy she likes. It was really funny because we were all giving her advice on what to say. It was really silly. After Mark left, I took a shower and Cara talked to Tony and Steven online. Then I came back down and we both talked to them. We were like sharing the keyboard, it was funny. We were talking to them until about 3am when we decided we better get some sleep if we were going to prom dres shop today. So we did. Today we went to the mall with my sister and tried on a bazillion formals. My mom actually handed me two $100 bills to shop for prom! She said it was an early birthday present. There was this one dress that I saw that struck me but they only had a 7 and I usually wear at least a 9 if not an 11, but I decided it was worth a shot. So I took it back and tried it on and I fell in love. I tried on other dresses that were pretty, but this one just gave me that feeling... you know that fateful feeling when you just KNOW something. I just KNEW it was THE dress. So I put it on hold. We had to leave the mall to get Cara to Tully's by 2, but she was late because we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. My mom and I went back to the mall after I got home andI bought the dress. She was a little iffy about it because its a bit scandalous, but overall she was pretty cool about it. Then I had to go to work, but it wasn't bad because it was a buffet. After I came home and had dinner, I got online and Spencer was there. We argued for a while and then talked for a while and all of a sudden during our conversation, I just had this sudden urge to hug him. It was wierd. And I realized how bad I felt about everything that's happened this year and everything I've done wrong. I hate regret, but I was really feeling it. I didn't like how he was putting all the blame on me, but still a lot of the things he accused me of had some validity. From then on, all I could think of was how much I wanted to make it up to him and how much I just genuinely wanted him to be happy. I've always wanted him to be happy, I just wanted him to be happy with me. Now I guess I just want him to be happy in general with whoever. It was a big step for me. So I tried to give him some advice about Elisabeth. I honestly hoped that it would work out for them because let's face it... she's a nice person and they have stuff in common. What right do I have to be mad about that especially when I claim to love him, which I do. He hurt me, but I know I deserved it in a way because I know I hurt him and I don't expect him to forgive me for anything. I couldn't ask that of anyone, but I just decided that from now on things will be different. I always set goals for myself but never take them seriously enough because I guess they don't matter enough to me. But for some reason right now I feel like I can change something because it REALLY matters to me now. I think I've accepted finally that Spencer and I, in the sense that we were, will never be again and I am ok with that I think. Of course tomorrow I'll probably be looking at a picture and then crying or something, but I can handle it, you know? I really feel that I can. Especially after Spring Break. I've got big plans to makeover my life. It's going to be great. I was talking to Ryan on Friday and he told me one of the main reasons he would never date me is because of how melodramatic I am. And its true. He explained perfectly how I make a big deal out of everything to get sympathy and then I do it so much that I just start to believe myself. I guess that's true. I mean I really don't have much to complain about. I just need to keep it all together. I'm excited about Mark just because I think we really clicked. We spent like over 6 hours together and I think I started to be seriously interested in him. Don't worry... I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything. That's the last thing I need, but it was just really nice. And hanging out with Cara was so awesome! I love that girl! I mean.. we've known each other FOREVER, but we don't hang out enough. Hopefully now that will be different. I feel more in control of my life right now than I have in a while. Only over little things at the moment, but I have faith that I can gain complete control... maybe even independence. That would be nice. Actually now that I think about it, I am really content right now. It's like that Incubus song, "and in this moment I am happy." That's how I feel right now. The possibilities right now are so endless and so exciting! And I adore my prom dress. Yay! And I am listening to great music!!   Woohoo. Time for my happy dance.

April 11, 2002, 11:00pm
Well Spencer asked Elisabeth on a date and she said yes. Earlier I was really upset. I drove around crying for a while. I was thinking about driving over to his house... not like it would change anything, but like I said before... I always have unfounded hope that things will work out for me. Now I'm quite certain though that it is truly over. Probably for good. I probably won't be able to deal with that reality for a while, but I know its true.   So anyway when I was driving around I just needed to talk to someone so I called Chris. He was coincidentally about to come over to visit my gradma, so I caught him at a good time. And he told me to meet him at Starbucks. It was so great to talk to him. He's changed a lot, but I really appreciated his company. He is such a good listener. And he made me feel a lot better. After that I went to dance which always puts me in a better mood.   Cara is such a sweetie to me too. I don't know what I would do without her. She is going to spend the night at my house tomorrow and then we are going prom shopping on Saturday! I am soooo excited! I haven't had a sleepover in like two years! It's so sad. Hopefully that will help get my mind off things even more. I am getting really excited for prom. Mark is going to be a great
date! He is so nice! I love to hang out with him and I feel pretty comfortable around him too which is cool. Hopefully I'll get to have B lunch with him tomorrow. Also tonight online I talked to Robbie and he said a lot of stuff that made me think and get a little perspective. He always seems to have something intelligent to say that makes me question myself. Also he gave me a purple bouncy ball today! Yay! So I think things are going to be ok. If only I can get through French class. *sigh* If I put my mind to it though, I can do it, right? Right. Yes, Kindel. You are a good person and you will make it through this. Teehee I am such a drama queen.   Hope everyone is doing well and that your lives are less weird than mine! Goodnight!

April 10, 2002, 3:10pm
So I have this English paper to write tonight, but I figure I'll just put it off until about 10 so I won't get any sleep. Brilliant idea, right? I thought so too. I don't even get to go to dance tonight because I am helping at Celebrate Skyline for NHS Service Points. How annoying! I probably won't even be able to get off of probation by graduation so I don't even know why I bother. I just feel obligated I guess. Anyway, today was better than yesterday. Seeing Spencer at school is getting easier. I still think about him constantly, but I don't get so shaky and upset. Elisabeth complimented my hair today. It made me feel like such an evil person. I guess its not her fault Spencer is so wonderful. *sigh* And it certainly isn't her fault that she's adorable like a little garden gnome. Uggh! But it's so annoying! Grrrrr. I bought Slamdaddy's demo the other day. It kicks so much ass. I've been listening to it nonstop since I got it. I'm actually listening right now. It's so worth the $5. I recommend that everyone picks one up. Yesterday Spencer was asking me about my prom plans and he told me that he was planning on asking me. That really confused and upset me. He acts like he doesn't even want to be friends, but then he acts like he does. He will IM me online and accuse me of not wanting to be his friend. But then at school he ignores me. It's not entirely him, but I just feel like if there's any contact, he should initiate it because he's the one who ended the relationship, so it's kind of like he should set the terms... you know what I mean? Well maybe that only makes sense in my head. Teehee. I miss him so much. I never realized how much I appreciate his company until now. I mean... I sort of did, but not to this extent. Sometimes I'll see something kinda funny or just something will happen and I'm just dying to tell him because he's the only one who would get it. But he's never around. Like today I was at lunch with Ryan and Emily and we were talking about fast food and what's good or not and making jokes about McDonalds meat. It was just something I wish he was there for, you know? I miss his sense of humor a lot. This guy I've been talking to (no names yet!) kissed me today at school when we were hanging out. I guess I kissed him back so it wasn't one-sided. I wasn't going to write about it on here. I didn't even think about it much. It was just wierd. And I just thought of it for some reason. You would think I would be excited about it because I've been wanting people to be interested in me, but it was like I didn't even care. I forgot about it five minutes later. I didn't even enjoy it. I know that sounds terrible, but the only person I really want to kiss is Spencer. Sad but true. All the stuff about wanting to get laid isn't really me I don't think. I don't know anymore. *sigh* It just felt wrong I think. I don't know what to do now though. I guess I'll just have to tell him I'm not interested. I've been trying to have lunch with my friend Mark who might ask me to prom (hopefully!) since Spencer doesn't want to go with me anymore (*tear*). But I keep having to correct French tests. It's kind of annoying. I don't mind doing it because it's for Mr. Kheriaty and he's an awesome teacher who even helped me get into college by writing a great recommendation. But it's just ironic how on the days I want to have A or B lunch, he always has work for me to do. Mark is such a nice guy. Our group for prom should be awesome. I'm going shopping on Saturday with Cara. I'm so excited! I feel like dancing! *grin*

April 6, 2002, 10:09pm
So I guess a lot has happened since I've written. I feel a bit like my life has been turned upside down. Let me explain a little. Ever since I started "dating" in the 7th grade when I was 11, I have pretty much always had a boyfriend. I have been single maybe for a month at the longest. Its not a state that I generally enjoy. I'm not the most independent person in the world. So since I've been single almost three weeks now, I'm getting really insecure. I am trying very hard to become more independent and happy by myself. It doesn't help that I'm still in love with my two most recent ex-boyfriends, that I don't have many female friends, and that I struggle with my self-esteem, but I am trying. Spencer is so confusing. I guess I am still hoping I will get him back, but in a way I'm really not. I told him that I didn't love him anymore, that he was right, and that we should just be friends. So I'm trying really hard to be his friend, but its soooo difficult. Neither of us know what to do around each other. He is so cold to me and being with him makes me want to cry. The lie about not loving him did work a little. He seemed affected by it, but not as much as I had hoped. I guess he really doesn't love me. And who knows... maybe I don't love him either. Maybe I'm just obsessed with the idea of being in love. All I know is that I miss him and I miss the security of having someone to care about and to at least think that they care about me too. Not to mention I haven't gotten laid in a ghastly amount of time! Ugggh! Speaking of sex... I was talking to Chris on the phone the other day and I told him about how my mom found out about me and that. We were laughing about his parents and how they had always knows about us and then he mentioned that they knew about Kat and everybody too. I was quite confused at that point. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Did you and Kat have sex?" And he said yes they had several times. I was a little surprised so I chided him about it, totally jokingly. He snapped sort of defensively, saying, "I am an adult now and I have adult relationships." I was VERY taken aback. This could not possibly be the same Chris that I dated that lost his virginity to me and professed that sex was special and only to be shared with those that you truly love. How could his philosophy have totally changed that fast? And I dont' want to jump to conclusions... maybe they were in love... but I never heard that word used, so i don't know. I was also hurt by his condescending tone towards me. Kat, I know you're one of the few who will actually read this, and I don't want you to take this the wrong way... I don't disrespect you for doing that at all. In fact, I understand your feelings even more. I actually wanted to talk to you about this the other night, but I couldn't get up the nerve to bring it up. Anyway, it kind of made me think twice about my feelings for Chris. I still love him of course and probably always will. That I can be sure of if nothing else. But he's changed so much. And I don't feel like I can trust what he says anymore. It's really sad. I think I just really need someone new in my life. I know you're probably thinking, "Kindel, you retard... just be single." But you don't understand. I have like 70 days until graduation. I just want to finish off my senior year happily. When I leave for college, that is the time to work out my issues with me and find myself or whatever. I don't have enough time to spend in solitude feeling sorry for myself and crying all the time. I mean for heaven sakes! Now who am I going to go to prom with?! I don't want to have to go on a blind date with some random friend of a friend. I want to have something to do on a Saturday night instead of renting a movie with my mom and then typing about my newfoud pathetic existance on a website where probably only two of my friends will read about it!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Anger!   *sigh* Ok, just breathe. I'm going to go now, but I'll probably write more from now on since I don't really have much else to do and I don't have to worry about pissing Spencer off anymore by writing about stuff on here. Goodnight all (2).

April 1, 2002, 10:04pm
I am very sick. Uggggh. And a little lonely. More later.

March 24, 2002, 1:59pm
Well if you're one of the few special people who actually visits my website, you've probably been wondering what happened this week? Why did Kindel not do anything to her site for a whole week? Well let's begin from the beginning shall we? I get back from Chehalis, and Spencer is being bitchy to me. He's always been sort of a brat, but this time just really sort of mean. On Sunday night he tells me he doesn't love me and doesn't know if he ever did. Yet he insists he wants to stay with me because he doesn't want to be alone. I love him so I cry and cry and cry some more. And I agree to stay with him. Monday at school he decides, "Oh ya, and Kindel... We aren't going out anymore." More crying. Yet he insists he wants to stay friends. I agree of course, willing to hold on to any last shred of hope that everything will be ok. While all of this has happened, my mother has somehow discovered that her little girl is no longer a virgin. She is of course very angry and tries to discuss it with me. This does not help. She decides to send me to the doctor to get the dreaded pelvic exam. Anyway, at this point my stress level is already dangerously high. Lots of crying. Anyway, today Spencer wanted to hang out, but I didn't think I could handle it. He decides to tell me that the real reason he dumped me was that he didn't find me attractive anymore and I annoy him. I hang up on him. He calls me back about 50 bazillion times, even resorts to asking me out again for fear of being alone. Can you imagine? So as of now I'm not speaking to him. I told him we could talk again in a week after I decide what I want to do. As of now, I really don't know. I need some time to think. I wish I had someone to talk to. So if you feel like you could handle listening to my shit or empathize even a little, I'd appreciate it. I think most of you who read this already have my number, but if you don't, you can EMail me at [email protected]. *sigh* This too shall pass.

March 18, 2002, 11:24am
Well here I am in class again. I have a lot to say right now and I don't think I'll have time before I have to go to lunch. But I will make sure to finish this later. It was a loooong weekend. It's snowing! Yay! I hope everyone is well. Go respond to my thought of the day on the message board! Bubye for now!

March 15, 2002, 10:52am
Wow, this has been an incredibly busy week! I haven't had much time to work on the site. Sorry guys. I want to sincerely thank all of you who take time out to read and post on the messageboard. If I knew HTML, I would change the ugly colors, but I don't so oh well. *tear* I would, however, love to have a pretty, purple messageboard, so if anyone knows the HTML number code thingies for colors, let me know, k? Thanks bunches! So anyways... on to my life... My grandma comes home from the hospital today! Yay! We got her a new fireplace and they installed it while she was gone. It should be a nice surprise for her when she gets home. I bought new pointe shoes and a purple leotard in Seattle yesterday with Cara! I love my shoes, they are so pretty! And now I won't have to take the master class on saturday withmy annoying black class leotard that rides up my butt! Tee-hee. Good times. Speaking of Saturday, this weekend is Chehalis! I posted better directions on the ballet site for anyone who is interested in taking a road trip. Just so you know... I call it Chehalis because that's where the dance studio is located, but the performance and the hotel are actually in Centralia. It's like the same city because they are so close and Chehalis sounds prettier, don't you think? Me too. *grin* Anyways, I'm leaving at 2:00 from school with Nikita, picking up Andrea and Allegra, and heading down there right away. I am so excited! Yay for dancing! Enough of that though. It's time to talk of other things. Stuff with Spencer is going really well. I am so happy! (Like you couldn't tell.) We are understanding each other much better lately and having some good times. I think this weekend apart will be good for us. We appreciate each other more after we've had some alone time if you know what I mean. *wink* Anyways, I'm in 4th period right now which is where I TA for Kheriaty, my IB French teacher. Its awesome because I don't have to do anything, so a lot of the time I have three lunches. It's so great to have a two hour break in the middle of the day! It's a great time to relax, check Email, eat, catch up on homework, or even work on my website! Yay for the website! Just so everyone knows, I have started a site on tripod, but it isn't ready to publish yet so I'm not going to give away the URL until I'm ready. Even then... I don't know I want to be able to put whatever I want on that site without censoring my thoughts because I'm worried about offending people or incriminating myself. So maybe this time I won't tell anyone. Haha. It seems silly to have a website that no one goes to, but for some reason I get so much more excited about writing stuff on a website than in mynotebook type journal. I still have one that I use though because I can't really write everything on here. I don't know though... meh. Something kinda sad happened this week. I haven't really talked to Ryan at all. We kinda had a sort of fight almost, but we never fight so it wasn't really a fight, just a he-was-offended-and-we-didn't-talk-about-it-so-now-we're-not-really-talking. I dunno Weird unhappy stuff. *sigh* Wow, it's already 11! Only 3 more hours until departure time! Ya! Woo-hoo! Excitement. Oh my yes. So anyway, back to regular talking. I am way way in debt because some of my Girl Scout cookies got stolen. Also, I have to pay for my jazz class, so anyone willing to make a donation to the get Kindel uout of debt fund, Email me, ok? I would be willing to trade useful services like... editing essays, odd jobs, petcare, or other personal "services" *wink wink nudge nudge* for cash Tee-hee Just kidding about the last part, but seriously... if you know of any good, LEGAL ways to make money fast let me know. Actually I know! I'll post that as the thought of the day! Yippee! I'm gonna go now. Talk to you all soon. I hope everyone has a great weekend! I sure will.Come see me! I can still be reached at my cell number at no extra charge to you. Bubye!

March 10, 2002, 1:34am
I'm up a little too late tonight. I have to go to church at 9 tomorrow which I am not looking forward to. I asked my mom why I had to go and she got really upset about it. That was probably a bad move on my part. I am just fed up with my church and with organized religion in general. I hate how blatantly hypocritical my parents are and it jsut makes me angry. My grandma is doing better. She will probably be able to move into a regular room by tomorrow sometime. I downloaded Kazaa finally, so I've been dowloading a bunch of emo music. It just fits my mood right now. I'm really into that song, "Seeing Red" by Unwritten Law. I put the lyrics on the words page. Anyways, the big news of the evening (morning?) is that I got a message board! So start messaging everyone! I want to see some hard core interaction. Actually I was just bored and couldn't think of anything new to put on my site. *sigh* Where has all my creativity gone? Today I went to see 40 Days and 40 Nights with Spencer. It was better than I had thought it would be. It was really funny and fresh. There were so many breasts in that movie though! Hehehe. Well my cat is meowing at me to come to bed, so I think I'll be going. But I will come back soon and expect that there will be a message on the board by the time I come back! You hear? Thanks, I appreciate it. *wink*

March 8, 2002, 8:44pm
Well today was another odd day. It started out well. It snowed about 3 inches last night so we had a 2 hour delay. I got some of the sleep I've been missing. That was good. None of the other school districts had school though. It was stupid. We did nothing all day long. And then they decided to postpone Tolo which is one of the silliest things I've ever heard! We can go to school, but no dance! Totall and complete stupidity. *sigh* But such is highschool in general. I have come to realize this finally in my senior year. I suppose I am just bitter because I screwed up my life in highschool and I resent everyone who is having more fun than me. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because in truth, it is only my fault andI should stop bitching and whining. Just smile and make the best of things. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a pity thing. I get my kicks and God knows nobody's life is perfect, right? Ya. Some other unhappy things happened today though. This morning, my mom finally let me in on the seriousness of my grandma's hospitalization. They didn't just remove a part of her colon, they removed a tumor too. They thought it was colon cancer. Also, they didn't reattach the colon. She's going to have all her stool go into this little bag in a hole in her side from now on that has to be changed all the time. Of course my mother tells me this while driving me to school so I went through the whole day with the thought that my grandmother might be dying in a hospital bed while I was stuck at the backwards, archaic institution otherwise known as Skyline Highschool. In third period, my psychology teacher told us that the child his wife is pregnant with will not live after it is born. It was terrible. I was so afraid he would cry and then I would cry. But then what my mom told me about my grandma really sunk in and I cried anyway. Death is funny like that. Thank goodness for Spencer. I really needed him there to cuddle. Thanks Spencer, you made my day better. Anyways, that made my day kinda crummy. But it got a bit better after that. I went to my dance rehearsal. Somehow I always feel better when I am dancing. I feel really ready for next weekend. I am pumped! It will be sort of like a dancer roadtrip. Probably not as exciting as the movie, but we'll see. When you put me, Caitlin, and Cara in a different zipcode with no parents, you never know what might happen! Also, after I took a shower, Chris called because he read about my grandma on my website and wanted to see what was going on. He said that once she is in a regular room instead of intensive care, he will come to visit her. I know she misses him a lot so that will be good. It was good for me too because it was this first time I had talked to Chris in about 6 months without my stomach churning. It felt good to be unaffected. I still hate that he has such strong feelings for Lucia. I told this to Kat in an Email already, but I think she's a really nice girl. I totally do. The only problem is I don't think she truly appreciates him or is capable of appreciating him. I know I wasn't. I doubt I even am now, but I think Kat is. I hate to see him throwing that away so quickly without giving it enough of a chance. What do I know though, right? I barely know him anymore *sigh* Aaaargh. I wish there was more happy stuff to talk about! Actually, I wish Ryan would hurry up and call me back so I can go chill with him and Emily. I went to visit my grandma this evening. ICU is a really scary part of the hospital. Visitors can only be family and we could only go in two at a time. She looked really bad. I can't even tell you how scary it was. It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears. She had all sorts of tubes and needles stuck in her and she looked so small and white on that bed. *shiver* She couldn't really talk and she couldn't see or hear me very well. I couldn't get over how fragile she was. It kind of put my problems into perspective though. I think when confronted with that magnitude of suffering, it is easier for one to be thankful. Man, I have typed a lot! Wow. I think I'm going to go work on something else to get my mind off all this eeriness. Goodnight to all! Take care of yourselves! Love, love all around.

March 7, 2002, 10:00pm
Wow. What a wierd week! Sad stuff and happy stuff all together at the same time. I don't know what to do! My grandma went into the hospital on the 6th, my mom's birthday. She's still there. She had to have part of her colon removed. Yikes! It's so wierd and un-fun not saying goodbye to her in the mornings. *tear* I've been so busy and not getting enough sleep. Also, I'm gaining weight again which bites the big one since our major performance is next weekend, as you all know by now. I've been selling Girl Scout cookies all week just to make things that much more complicated. If you'd like to buy a box, just find me at school or call me and I'll even deliver them to your house at no extra charge! They're $3 a box and they freeze well. Ok, done with advertising for now. Tee-hee. Stuff is going really well with my boyfriend this week. We're getting some stuff worked out. I am sad that I am not going to Tolo, but I'll get over it. I don't think I would really enjoy it anyway. *sigh* I can't wait for the weekend! Just one more day at school. And what's with the freaky blizzard / thunder / lightning thing? It's creeping me out. I've been staying afterschool to do this one anaerobic fermentation lab that was super-hard. We had to use all this fancy equipment and ferment alcohol in test tubes. Sounds fun, but it was really complicated. The slacker in me is really having a field day too. I don't know why, but I can't seem to shake the senioritis right now. How many days until graduation again? It's so silly because the only credit I need to graduate is English! And I still am taking five classes. Yes, yes, I know there's the college thing, but still! At least I am TAing 4th period for my French teacher which is really fun because half the time he doesn't have work for me to do, so I just take all three lunches. I have like 2 hours of free time in the middle of the school day. It makes life oh so much more enjoyable. I would seriously recommend it to any seniors next year. In some ways it's even better than a first period waiver. Although that would be nice too. Hmmm. Ok, well I am going to go do my homework and study for my tests so I am not a walking zombie without eye makeup again tomorrow. I miss looking good at school! Bleccch! Goodnight.

March 4, 2002, 5:48pm
I just found out that Chris and Kat broke up like 10 minutes ago. I was surprised at how much I didn't feel. I don't know if I felt anything. It wasn't surprise or excitement. Actually if I had to choose an emotion that I felt, it would be disappointment. Kat is someone I didn't really know that well and she was so nice to me and open about everything before she had even met me. They seemed so right together and I could be happy for Chris because I knew she would be good for him. Now I am so worried that he will just get back together with Lucia or worse, someone else that will not be right for him at all. Or maybe he won't be with anyone. You might think that I would feel good about that, but no, not at all. He needs someone at this tumultuous time in his life to keep him on track and keep him from losing sight of what is important. Enough about that though. On to me and my life. I'm not even really a part of his anymore, so I guess I shouldn't obsess over it as much as I do. Today was a good day with Spencer. I think we're working through some important things, but my restlessness is growing more and more intense. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling kind of lost. Other things that I've been talking about with other people are easy, but when it comes to seeing him in person, everything is different. I lose it all. All bets are off. I've been thinking more and more about college and what that will be like. Its not the wish to escape so much as the wish to start over. I don't want to leave behind anything or anyone here. I just want to create something new that is mine, something that belongs to the real me that I am getting to know just now with less than 4 months left in highschool.   I want to be me, uncensored and uncut. Even on this site, a space that is completely mine, I can't express myself fully or openly because of certain people and situatioins in my life. I don't blame anyone or anything but myself. Still, I want a change. With that I will leave you as I head off to dance. Sometimes dance class is the only space I am me. Even then those occasions are few and far between. Goodbye for now. I hope that all of you already know who you are and that the real versions of you are what I get to see. I hope that I am not too late to be myself.

March 3, 2002, 10:03pm
Hi. What has happened to Morpheus?! I need my music! *tear* Anyway, my weekend was oh so uneventful. Spencer was away at an Academic Decathlon thingy-ma-bobber. So on Friday after dance rehearsal, I went to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off at Ryan Zed's house with James. That was ok. Then on Saturday after work I went wiith Cara to Caitlin's birthday party and met some of her friends from Eastside. That was ok too. The real climax of the weekend, however, was today when Spencer took me to see Cinderella with PNB. It was amazing. If you have the means, I would totally recommend picking up some tickets if there's any left. Thankyou to my boyfriend! Woohoo! Tonight we oredered pizza and watched Don Juan de Marco at his house. It's a really cute movie. Great for a date. Just pick it up at Blockbuster and you're guaranteed to get some action! Tee-hee. I am getting totally excited to perform at Dance Festival Northwest. My parents decided its ok for me to drive down there, so we won't have any parents this year! It's totally awesome. Just 8 teenage girls, 2 hotel rooms, and no curfews! I am so pumped. Too bad Chehalis isn't exactly the worlds greatest party city. Haha. So I should go to bed now or maybe do my homework. I'm still debating that. Anyway, goodnight!

February 26, 2002, 5:01pm
Hello again. Welcome to me. What a beautiful, sunny day! Nothing terribly exciting is happening in my life. During the week its basically about school, dance, and Spencer generally. I made myself a fun mix CD. I'm pumped for this weekend though. I'm going to a party and a ballet! How great is that?! Work has been going pretty well. I got two goldfish! What should I name them? You have to help me! Actually my sister gets to name one. Mine is a little bitty dark orange fishy and I decided its a boy. So help me out people! Also... is anyone going to Tolo? I need a group! Wow I am behind on so much stuff! Tolo is like in 2 weeks. Also, I need to do my Gonzaga Application. Wow! I'm going to go get some shit done. Bubye for now. I'll let you know if anything interesting happens.

February 23, 2002, 2:25am
Well I totally meant to do this sooner, but that's life. I haven't actually been busy or anything. Just lazy. Incredibly lazy. The day after I got back, Spencer and I had dinner at the Outback Steakhouse that was really good. Then we rented a movie. It was nice. Yesterday (or the day before I guess)Today (well now its yesterday) was a wierd day. I didn't do much this morning except take a long shower. I used a new shampoo that made my hair really soft and it smelled really good. I kept smelling it all day. I went out to lunch with Ryan and he thought I was psycho because I kept smelling my hair. I am sort of psycho though, so it's ok. Spencer got really mad at me. He's really wierd about me and Ryan and I can't reason with him. I feel bad though. I could have handled it better. Then I had to work which was ok because I was the busser. Its a harder job than waitressing physically, but at least you don't have to deal with angry, confused old people. Actually I love the old people where I work. I work in the dining room of a retirement appartment building. Its a great job. Well... as minimum wage jobs go. Hehe. Ya. After work I went over to Allison Novick's house to hang out with a bunch of kids I know from school. That was really fun. Then I stopped by Afterdust's concert at the Firehouse. I got lost in Redmond on the way because I missed the turn and was driving around the area for like a half hour before ryan finally caslled me back and talked me there. I am such a bad driver and an even worse navigator! Hehehe. Afterdust was awesome, but I missed Stuck which is my favorite song. Finally got my demo though. Yay! Kris came up and gave me a big hug. Her life sounds really fun right now. I realized how much I missed her and a lot of the people from last year and basically my whole prior life in general. I really need to stop living in the past though. *sigh* Grrrrness. Self pity sucks. I met Kat and it was good. That was the main reason I went. I hope that we get to be friends because even though it doesn't make any sense, I think it wlll help me move on from Chris. Not like a "getting over him" kind of thing but just a catharsis so I can stop letting those feelings control me. Plus Kat is so incredibly sweet. Then I went back to the get together at Allison's. It was kinda lame. We played some games and stuff but the mix of people wasn't quite right. I don't know why. I had to be home by 12, so I sped home and got there in a record 6 minutes. I've been online since. I discovered Morpheus. I'm totally in love with it now. Exciting stuff. I hope everyone is sleeping right now. I wish I could. I'm going to go try to at 3. I promise. Goodnight.

February 19, 2002, 11:30pm
Welcome to my life. I just got home from Oregon. We decided to come home early and not go visit OSU. Corvallis is a bit out of the way and I was so impressed with Willamette University and the University of Orgeon that I didn't feel the trip was necessary. So anyways, I'm home. My dad cleaned my room and now I'm sure I won't be able to find a thing. How annoying! I'm glad to be home though. Plus I get to sleep in tomorrow! Thankyou! Hopefully I'll see my boyfriend too who ass-hole-ishly did not leave his cell phone on so I could call him. I haven't talked to him all day. What a meanie-poo-head! I hope he is reading this and feeling really, really bad. Grrrr-ness!
So ya... spending all that time with my mom wasn't as bad as I thought. She kept the nagging to a minimum and it was pretty nice. I wish she would just leave my driving alone though. Yes, mom, there are two seconds between me and the car in front of me. Yes, mom, I know the speed limit; I just prefer to go the same speed as all the other traffic. No, I do not alwyas have two hands on the wheel... it doesn't mean I'm a bad person!!! Aaaaaaarggghhhh! You know the drill. Actually I am really tired from all that driving so I am going to bed. I will write again tomorrow most likely. If anything happens that is, which it probably won't, but I'll write anyways because if nothing happens, I will have nothing better to do, right? Right. Yes, Kindel, you're right as usual. Why thank you for noticing. Goodnight!