The young righty’s back arched off the simple cotton sheets as pleasure danced through him, leaving him momentarily incapable of thought, vocalization, sight, or anything related to anything except feeling. He came down slowly, softly, and he became aware of his partner, recovering in much the same manner. “I should make the All-Star team more often.”
He got a rumble of laughter in response, and the other man raised his head to face him. “What, I’m not that good all the time?”
Mark Prior replied with a grin and pulled his fellow pitcher into another kiss. Kerry Wood broke away with a small sigh of appreciation, and he pressed small kisses down the younger man’s jawline, ending by nibbling at his right earlobe, the goatee tickling Prior’s neck. “Mark,” he whispered.
Prior tensed. He knew what word would come next. It was always a struggle for him to say what he always did, because it wasn’t really what he wanted. But he always said it anyway, because he didn’t know what would happen if he changed his answer and that scared him
*
*
*
“Stay…”
It was a cold day late in the season in St. Louis and Mark Prior had slept with a teammate for the first time ever. It was the culmination of months of building up, of growing friendship, of almost-but-not-quite flirting. It had started before Mark’s major league debut. Kerry had found him early that day puking his guts out from nerves. He had stood calmly by, handing the rookie a towel and watching him brush his teeth before saying quietly, “I know how you feel. The franchise savior. No pressure, right?”
“I’ve never been unable to handle it before,” Prior had mumbled in return, staring at his pale reflection in the mirror.
Kerry sighed and stretched his arm around his teammate’s broad shoulders. “Pri, the pressure isn’t like this anywhere else. Things are different when you’re wearing a major league uniform.” He paused. “Especially one that’s cursed.”
That got him a smile, even as Mark said, “I can handle this, you know.”
“I have no doubts, Mark. I’m just reminding you that I know exactly what you’re going through.”
The rookie smiled and won his game, striking out 10 in a ridiculous show of utter nervelessness. The congratulations he got from Kerry meant the most, and he ended up spending most of the rest of the season with the older man. Learning from him, yes, but also because their personalities just clicked.
And now, months later in this cold baseball city on the Mississippi, they had clicked into bed. It wasn’t regret that Mark felt, that night or any night, it was just...fear. Pitchers were control freaks, everyone knew that, and Prior was no exception. And he was scared to let go, to let himself get too attached. After all, lots of things could happen. Trades, injuries…hell, Mark was even holding out in the remote hopes that he would meet a girl. And so that first night and every night after when Kerry whispered to him, he said no.
“I can’t,” he would whisper back, slipping from between the covers with an apology and a kiss. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And Kerry would sigh and kiss him back and say ok and never call him on it. The next day they would be the same as always. Joking in the locker room, talking baseball, the same as everybody. And sometimes they left together and sometimes separately, but they always ended up in the same place.
Relationships usually involve large amounts of oblivion. Mark assumed Kerry was ok with his answer. After all, he never begged him to stay, it was just the one word and then he would smile and say ok. Prior didn’t notice that Kerry never watched him go out the door. And he certainly didn’t know how long it took Wood to fall asleep at night. Just the same, Kerry didn’t know that it was an internal battle every time Mark left, even when his “I can’t,” came out quickly and easily.
*
*
*
“Mark…” Kerry said again, because this time, for the first time, he felt Prior tense. He started to say it anyway, and the ‘s’ came out with part of a ‘t’. But then he stopped. And instead he sighed and raised his head a little, meeting those dark eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Pri,” Wood said, sliding off the younger man and to the side of the bed.
And Prior’s breath caught, because he’d never heard Wood sound like that, not resigned, not...sad. His heart beat faster, but he ignored the nerves and rolled onto his side, resting his hand on Kerry’s back. “I’m too tired to drive.”
He missed the smile Kerry hid in the pillow, even while he said, “You can go, Mark.”
But now he’d made a decision, and when Prior made a decision, he didn’t second-guess it. He inched closer, nuzzling the back of Wood’s neck. “You wouldn’t want me to have a wreck, would you?”
Kerry rolled over to look at him. “You don’t have to.”
And Mark lost a little of his control. Because if he had been thinking, he probably wouldn’t have said what he did. But Wood’s small smile was so relieved, so happy, that when Prior opened his mouth, “I love you, Ker,” was what came out.
“Fuck, I love you too,” was the quick response, and nothing else needed to be said. But for the first time in a long time, they both fell asleep smiling.