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REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE New York, NY 6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell 6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance 6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment) 6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing 6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting Your Kid a Military Deferment 7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong 7:35 PM Freedom Fries served 7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury: It's What's for Dinner 8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next 8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh 8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children 8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (men only) 8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The Government of the Future 9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man" 9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong 9:10 PM EPA Address #2: Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires 9:30 PM break for secret meetings 10:00 PM Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas 10:15 PM Carl Rove Lecture: Doublespeak Made Simple 10:30 PM Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside 10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare 10:40 PM John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt 10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans 10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong 10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy 11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata 11:20 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult 11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again 11:35 PM Blame Clinton 11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies 11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself 12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord
