Copyright © 2002 by Syvia (Aka Rebecca K. Friedrick). All Rights Reserved.

Disclaimer: I own Zofia, Lorant and Cili, that’s all. No one can borrow them unless I say so.

Authors Notes: If you’d like to find the entire audio dialogue for Blood Omen written down, look in the same place I found it. http://www.nosgoth.net

I’ve just realized something! I was heavily inspired by another blooper fic on FF.net. If you’ve played the game Final Fantasy 8, you really should go and read Darren Shier’s blooper fic. That thing is damn funny!

One take was inspired by a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one by Braveheart, and a couple by Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Like I said before, I don’t own them.

Syvia- *looking directly at the camera* Hello again! This next segment focuses only on The Battle of the Last Stand.

It’s a rare challenge to shoot such an enormous battle scene, which, in the game, was only about ten minutes long- took months to film. In such an amazing and difficult scene... *grins* there were many things that could go wrong, flubbed lines only one of them.

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us, friends!

Director- *using the megaphone* Ottmar?

Ottmar- We shall- yes?

*the Director points at Ottmar’s lacy armor. The King grins sheepishly and heads towards the costume area*

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- *on a horse, with blue face paint, talking in a cheesy Scottish accent* The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us, friends! We shall die today as heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves!

*War cries from all assembled*

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us, friends! We shall die today as heroes, lest we live tomorrow as slaves!

*Kain is standing off to the side with a smirk on his face*

Ready thine arms! For Nosgoth!! *They shout a battle cry and all ... turn towards Kain*

Kain- What the hell?!

Ottmar- I have seen the true enemy! And he is the vampire!!!! *Kain looks wide-eyed at the King, turns and bolts for the other side of the set*

Director-*using the megaphone* CUT CUT CUT!!!!!!

*The army of the Hope is charging after Kain.*

Director- Ottmar, that wasn’t funny!!

Ottmar- ...I rather thought it was.

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- Ready thine arms!

*all the soldiers, including Kain, hold up mannequin arms*

Director-*using the megaphone* CUT!

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- For Nosgoth!!!!!!!

*The army rushes across the field... in the wrong way. They head as one for the camera crew*

Director-*with the megaphone* Cut!!!!!!! CUT!!!!!! *The army is still coming* Bloody frickafrakin CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*he and the producers hold on to each other in fear as the army rushes around them, the camera men/women are standing on top of their cameras or clutching them protectively to their chests. The army keeps running past the crew and on across the enormous set.*

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- For Nosgoth!!!!!!!

*The army charges. Suddenly the Nemesis activate a catapult and send a cow flying towards the Army of the Hope.*

Ottmar- *sees the cow* Run away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*they turn as one and hightail it out of there, all but Kain, who stands there, stunned*

Director- Oh my god.....

Cow- Moooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

*it falls right on top of the white-haired vampire*

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- For Nosgoth!!!!!

*Both armies go charging across the field, when suddenly there comes the sound of police sirens and a bunch of paddy wagons come rolling across the set*

Director- What the hell?! *through the megaphone* Cut! Cut!!!!

*Police jump out of several wagons and cars and begin arresting soldiers. A fat officer grabs Ottmar and handcuffs him.*

Director- WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! *then he really looks at what’s going on*

*The police suddenly stop and the army begins laughing, shaking hands with the ‘officers’

Director- God damned Monty Python fans!!! *throws down his script and stomps on it*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- In the distance, I saw the Nemesis armies march forward, a black tide that would soon wash over the Armies of the Hope.

*A few yards off King Ottmar and several of his soldiers are in those tiny old-fashioned wooden bathtubs, and the Nemesis soldiers are scrubbing their feet*

Kain- ...Is it just me, or does anyone else find that rather disturbing?

Director-*using the megaphone* Cut!

*beep-beep*

Director- Action!

*Kain steps forward, his sword wind-milling in wild, but controlled arcs. The soldiers fall before his blade, never marking Kain at all. The scene continues in a similar fashion until suddenly he shouts and drops the sword. All the soldiers stop and fall into each other, knocking each other over.*

Director-*using the megaphone* Cut! Kain you alright?

*Kain shakes his hand out, walking around and swearing softly*

*beep-beep*

*Kain fights a few soldiers, kills them, and moves forward*

Director- Cut! Good take, Kain. *off in the distance, many soldiers are still fighting* *through the megaphone* CUT!

*the soldiers continue to fight, but it can be seen that each of their moves seem to be in slow-motion and they’re barely hitting each other*

Kain- ...Weird.

*beep-beep*

*A soldier actually manages to get into Kain’s defenses and tries to stab him. The sword bends.*

Kain- What?

*They both look at the sword*

Director- Cut! Well you didn’t really think I’d give these morons metal weapons, did you?

Soldier- I resent that!

*beep-beep*

*The armies are fighting and all of a sudden Kain notices a group of flower people on the sidelines, holding signs and shouting.*

Hippie 1- Make love, not war!

Hippie 2- Fighting solves nothing!

Director- Cut! How’d they get here?!

*Kain looks speculatively at the flower people, who are being hustled off the set, and grins*

*beep-beep*

Director- Okay... is everyone in place?

Female Producer- We can’t find Kain...

*The Director sighs, then the Male Producer calls to them from the tree line*

Male Producer- He’s here, but... it’s not good.

Director- Oh for chrissakes, what’s happened now? *They walk over*

*The Male Producer pulls aside some bushes, revealing Kain, who’s staring dazedly at his hand, which he is slowly moving from side to side. A dead flower person is laying off to the side, drained of blood. The Director sighs.*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- They came at me in thongs- oh! ...shit. *begins to laugh*

*some of the soldiers laugh*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- They came at me in throngs, no fervor so strong as that inspired by a madman. The- *he stops suddenly and shouts in disgust*

*The soldiers have joined in battle, one of the Nemesis soldiers can be seen from the back, his bare butt is visible, as is the dark red thong he’s wearing.

Director- Cut! Oh that was just wrong.

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- The Nemesis and his Horde fall upon us, my friend....

Nemesis Soldier- Dog pile!!!!!!! *all the Nemesis solders run up and tackle Kain and Ottmar*

Director- CUT!!!

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- For my daughter, Kain; for the world...

*he begins a long and involved death scene, groaning and grunting, slooooowly falling to the ground and twitching in every limb.*

Director- *eyes covered by his hand* Is he dead yet?

*Kain is whistling idly, examining his nails, waiting*

Male Producer- Maybe now?

*Suddenly Ottmar gets to his knees, stretches out his hand, groaning and acting as if he’s in great pain*

Kain- Nope, still dying.

*Ottmar writhes on the ground dramatically before suddenly slumping back on the bloody grass*

Director- I hate ad-libbers.

*Ottmar gets up again, gagging*

*beep-beep*

Ottmar- The Nemesis and his Horde fall upon us, my friend. I fear I can defend Nosgoth no longer. The Nemesis must be destroyed. For my daughter, Kain; for the world...

*he falls to the ground, his bloody hand staining Kain’s armor. Kain looks at the leg guard for a moment, then at the camera, then at the leg guard, then pulls off the piece of armor and puts it to his mouth*

Nemisis Soldier- *pointing at Kain* Pant licker!

Kain- *smirks* They have more filling?

Director- Cut!

*The stage crew is laughing*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The battle had decided its victor; the fate of Nosgoth now lay in the Nemesis’ hands.

*The Nemesis walks up to the highest hill, plants a flag*

Nemesis- I claim this land for Spain!

Director- Cut!

*cast begins to laugh*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The battle had decided its victor; the fate of Nosgoth now lay in Eidos’ hands.

*camera shot of the Silicon Knights group sadly handing over the rights of the Series to the Eidos corporation*

All the LoK fans in the world- NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*beep-beep*

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