~Jokes 3~

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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

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It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice

. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with canadian autorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a us navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous suppoert vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, thats one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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What My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? 
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!! 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! 

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. 
GEORGE: Here it is! 
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? 
CLASS: George! 

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WLLY: Me! 

TEACHER: Why are you late? 
WEBSTER: Because of the sign. 
TEACHER: What sign? 
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." 

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? 
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? 
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. 

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Dr. Suess's lost tongue twisters.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat

This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
..............................................

Now go back and read the THIRD word, in each
line, from the start.

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Love is a sensation caused by a temptation when a guy sticks his location in a girls destination to increase the population on the next generation do you get what I'm saying or do you need a demonstration!

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A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room. He was told that it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, 'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention' So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger....

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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. 

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. 

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. 

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. 

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. 

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." 

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." 

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