~Jokes 2~

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The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":

1.fighting;
2.fleeing;
3.feeding; and finally the most important,
4.fucking.

Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course

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Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies,"None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but Iike your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's
gobbling down the top and sucking the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,
but I like your thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in Maths.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference!"
"That's what I said!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:"All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job".
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could
use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
+++++++++++++
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by mom's bedroom
and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning,
"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of theThree Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said "Holy Shit! a talking pig!'"

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Jokes About Growing Old

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

God put me on Earth to accomplish some things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll live forever!

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've dicovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it!

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.

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Dating Comebacks
----------------
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin' on
my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin' it to you
in the back of my car... I don't care where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little mustache.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Sure that isn't "yield to merging traffic?"

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your back.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Unless there's a $5 spot in it for ya, right?

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is
impossible to shake once you smack the goods to her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me... as long as you are still a little
warm when I shove it in.

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So which condom would you use....?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI Condoms: For friends and family.

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.

The Star Trek Condoms: To bodly go where no man has gone before.

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A Story About Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the ministerr how he had done. The minister replied, "when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nrevous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following noteon the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat for it is my body." He did not say "eat me."
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "he was stoned off his ass."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not "a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's"

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Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about
a bank robbery on March 2, 1999:

  Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling
the internal security system got underway immediately.  The robbers, who
expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were
surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the
bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.  As recorded on the bank's audio tape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."  The robbers
opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened.  They found not one
pound of sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.  Instead, all the safes
contained covered bowls of pudding.  Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet
exit, each leaving with nothing more that an quesy, uncomfortably full
stomach. The newspaper headline read:  IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK
ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

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Men and Women Compared

Nicknames:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra, and Rose go out to lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne,Debra, and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Crappy.

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John will each throw in $20, even though it is only for $32.50. None of them will have any thing smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t want.

Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of things a woman has in her bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cat, but when the women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up to for weddings and funerals.

Natural:
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate throughout the night.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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THE DRINKER'S ALPHABET

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving High school
B- Beer: It's what's for dinner...and breakfast and lunch
C- Class: What you're supposed to get up and go to after last night's party
D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually lookspathetic
E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in yourdrinking party
F- Fucked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G- Games: Anything that involves cards, stripping and chugging beers
H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I- Idiot: What you look like after doing a lap dance on fat kid (after just three beers)
J- Jail: Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID orstagger home at 5 am
K- Kissing: What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involvingalcohol
M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too dollar draft nite at the bar
N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know...again
O- Oh shit!- What you say as you're falling down the stairs
P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer
Q- Quit: What you promise to do after spending the nite in jail with Bertha the Bearded Transvestite
R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet
S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk...aww yea
T- Twenty-one: Usually the age where u reach ur peak of drinking
U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in town
V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello
W- Worm: The part of Tequila that reminds you of the porcelin god
X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it (detox)
Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z- Zima: Zomething different....Zomething Fun :)

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Three Chinese Torture Test

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".

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Guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full
of customers and says "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill,
follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said "To your house!!"

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THE 2000 NEW TAX LAW

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging around unemployed,
30% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and
10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 2000 your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10-12" Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10" Pole Tax $25.00
5-8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

P.S. We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

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Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building
when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered
that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor,
the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building
and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar,
jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor,
the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and
he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my
own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is
hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the
building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey,"
the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges
downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with
a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying
"You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

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