~Jokes 1~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confucius say...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say...
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution
in hand.

Confucius say...
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say...
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Confucius say....
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on
pants.

Confucius say...
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy,
feeling nuts.

Enjoy!
Confucius say...
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say:
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Confucius say...
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Confucius say...
Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

All time favourite
------------------
Confucius say...
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man takes his wife to the stock show.
They start heading down the
alley that houses all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states:
"This bull mated 50 times a year."
The wife turns to her husband and
says, "he mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign sated:
"This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says,
"This one mated 65 times last year, that is over 5 times a month.
You could learn from this one."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said:
"This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says ,"WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!!!! You could really learn from this one."

The fed up man turns to his wife and says:

'GO UP AND INQUIRE IF IT WAS 365 TIMES WITH THE SAME COW!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,"
Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years" "Yeah," she
replied,"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said ,"We were probably
sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well,"Granny snickered
,"What do you say .....should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped
to the buff and sad down to the table."You know,honey."the little old
lady breathlessly replied," My nipples are as hot for you today as they
were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied gramps."One is
in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl was walking through the park when she saw three dogs lying
by the pathway. Being an animal lover, she approached the dogs and
proceeded to pet one of the dogs on the head.

She said to the dog, "How are you? Are you happy? I wish you could tell me
your name."

The dog suddenly spoke up,"My name is Moe and I had a great day going in
and out of puddles."

The girl was amazed and said, "You can talk. Do your friends talk too?"

The second dog also spoke up, "My name is Larry and I had a great day
going in and out of puddles."

The girl was peasantly surprised to hear two dogs speaking to her so she
approached the third dog and said, "Now let me guess - your name is Curly
and you had a great day going in and out of puddles?"

"No," the third dog said. "My name is Puddles and I had a lousy day."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no
arms and no legs laying by the shoreline. While he began to walk past her she
called him over.."Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec." "ok , what
do you want"he said. "Well as you can see why, I've never been kissed before
do you think you can kiss me"she said. "Well alright, I guess" he replied.
After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him
over.."Excuse me sir but do you think you can come here again" "What is it
now!..."he said as he walked near her again. "Well as you can see why, I've
never been fucked before..Do you think you can fuck me?". she said. The man
replied "Sure!". He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said "Your
fucked Now!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for
examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a nicoderm patch
at the end of his penis. The doctor says.."Hmmm, thats interesting...Does it
work?" The man answers.."Sure does..I havent had a butt in 3 weeks!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Top 10 summer camps you should not send your kids to.
10. Tommy Lee's--------------Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's-------------Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------------Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's-------------Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's------------Camp Killawhitney
5. O. J. simpson's--------------Camp Killachickee
4. Micheal Jackson's------------Camp Wannabewhitney
3. President Clinton's------------Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's--------------Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kids to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's--------------Camp Suckapeepee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a turkey and a bull got to talking. The turkey was talking about how much he
wanted to fly to the top of this tree across the field, so the bull suggested that the
turkey should eat the bull's dung. "It is full of nutrients and will give you the energy
you need to fly to the top" said the bull, so the turkey figured, "why not, I'll give it
a try". So, the turkey began to nibble on the feces and sure enough, it gave him enough
energy to fly to the first branch of the tree. Excited, the turkey ate a little more on
the next day and made it to the second branch. This continued and on the fourth day the
turkey made it all the way to the top of the tree. Unfortunately, right as the turkey
made it to the top, a farmer looked out the window and saw the turkey, so, he grabbed his
gun from the mantle and went out and shot the turkey.

The moral of this story is.....bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: $100

John accidentally dropped some cards on
the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by
this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute
or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since
Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her
house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her
$100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came
home about 6:00 pm.

He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way
home and pay me back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to hay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning
and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK<<
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, ZIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
22. IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is for all the guys who don’t understand girls, and for all the girls that don’t understand guys….


WOMEN`S ENGLISH
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"It`s your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You`ll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to complain.
"sure....... ... go ahead" = I don`t want you to.
"I`m not upset" = Of course I`m upset, you moron!
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you`re really not going to like.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I`m beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate." = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you`re dead.]


MEN`S ENGLISH:
"I`m hungry." = I`m hungry.
"I`m sleepy." = I`m sleepy.
"I`m tired." = I`m tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I`d eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I`d eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I`d eventually like to have sex with you.
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What`s wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"I`m bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let`s have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we`d better have sex now!
"Let`s talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you`d like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw
ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The
bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says' "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a
lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the
Dumber they are," So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw
Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up =nd asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morning Office Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept and
the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work...
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
5% on Friday,
and help me to remember...
When I'm really having a really bad day and it seems that people
are trying to piss me off, help me remember that it takes 43 muscles to frown
and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
AMEN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to
the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and
juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says," yeah, you think that's bad,whenever I get big, fat
and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So the penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You
think that your life is tough?? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a
plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups
until I throw up!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we are so far apart,
Can love heal my broken heart.
I love you darling I really do.
Sleep is sweet when I dream of you.
With this I have one thing in mind,
You must read the first word in every line

haha... *bleep*.. this is going to get me in trouble...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The word "Fuck"

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the
English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which,
just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb
(Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking
interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date
with Mary). It can even be ued as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck
she's also stupid).

As you can see there are very words with the overall versitility of the
word fuck.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many
situations:

1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Agression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust................"Fuck me."
7. Confusion............." What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure............"Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost........................"where the fuck are we?"
10.Disbelief.............."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
12.Apathy................."Who really gives a fuck?"
13.Suspicion............."Who the fuck are you?"
14.Directions.............."Fuck off."


It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"

It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"

It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshema~

"Thats not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~

"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~

"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~

"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~

"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~

"You want what on the fucking celiling?" ~Michaelangelo~

"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~

"Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
Memo to all students.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep
all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL
HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give
our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be
immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our
lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before
they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and
are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in
management and consultancy, we will refer you to the
department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION
(M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage
M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our
HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~