THE FIGHT

Life is only one big ordeal, or maybe just series of big ordeals. One giant mess that I, sometimes, can't figure out...I just can't understand why we put ourselves through the things we do. I often times lose track of myself in these times, the most important times of my life, the times when I could be learning something, building character.  It is times like these when I think maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I tried hard to draw in that last breath and it never came to me, my eyes would flit one last time before everything faded away, and I would never again have to see. 

Life is a battle, and I am a soldier, fighting for what may be a lost cause. I fight like a capitalistic mercenary only waiting for my gold and glory at the end of the harsh pointless squabble. Waiting for the day it will be over, so I can indulge myself in my riches. I wait for the day that I can shed my bloodied chain mail and take of this heavy helmet, in hopes of finally starting to live, finally starting to see.  I have been blinded all along by a battle that may not even exist. 

There are things that I shall take away from these battles, many things that will push me along, on my way, towards broader horizons. These things I learn, although maybe the hard way, bring me to the realization that I can’t stop. I am addicted to this battle.  Like a blood-thirsty barbarian, I will hunt on and on for more injustices to avenge and complain about, inside the safety of my mind. I aspire to change this, though, one day maybe I can take action. One day maybe I will not be the coward fighting this battle in full body armor, afraid of the blows that will be, undoubtedly, dealt by the rest of the world. One day I will stand up, with out the protection of a helmet, or my silence, I won’t be afraid anymore. I will not be shrouded in pointlessness.  I will stand up and take the blows dealt to me, but they will not phase me, I will be stronger than them.

Being a pessimist and a realist myself, I cannot help but question the unrealistic proportion of these dreams, of these aspirations. They do, after all, seem wildly unachievable, and before now that is where my thinking would stop.  YOU CAN’T DO IT SO WHY EVEN TRY, that has always been my philosophy behind any wild idea that ever passed through my head. I always thought, why try, you won’t change a god damn thing, no matter what you are going to die, cold, alone, and in a heartless world that has been unchanged. Maybe I am crazier now than I have ever been before, maybe this makes less sense than not caring at all. To me I have realized, there is no getting out of here, no leaving no taking the easy way out, I have what I have and I have to make the best of any situation that is thrown my way. I am going to be here the rest of my life regardless if I sit around and do nothing or if I get up and try to change things. If I do nothing I am miserable, useless, hopeless, and unguided. If I try at one thing, it really doesn’t matter how large or how small, it doesn’t matter if I fail or if I succeed, I will feel a point a purpose, maybe this battle is like a drug sedating me from what is real. Or maybe I am here so I might as well try…for me.

I am sick of feeling like the world has ripped me to pieces, with rusted fingernails, leaving me to bleed alone in the corner, while everyone laughs at me. I don’t want to become stupid with joy, I don’t want to be lost in my cause, I just want something to believe in, something to live for, something to die for, I definitely do not want to lose the things I see, the sickness of the world comforts me… it gives me something to combat, it gives me a reason to wake up in the morning.

I have been afraid for too long. I have been afraid to do anything about this situation. As much as I hate to admit it, I have failed to see, that I have been stuck in this one miserable place too long. I haven’t aspired to be anything, I am not even sure if I was on the right track before. There are things that I can and must do, I have to find them, and I have to conquer them, like the many battles before… I can only hope that this battle I fight will not be in vain.