My motivation

            The futility of this situation we have come to know as life seems to beat down on me quite relentlessly sometimes, so much so that living itself at times has become an unmanageable tedious chore.   This tedium mainly is derived from my mindset.   I cannot hold out much hope, I fail more so than I succeed and my success is short lived and pointless because really life it self is some pointless charade that many of us insist on carrying out fully, believing that there is something more to be achieve, that there is essentially more to life than this.  We are only human, I suppose, our imaginations, our ability to perceive what alternate lives may be like, is the only thing that sets us apart from other species, These hopes and these dreams shall be what carry us through, and to me I think it may be the death of me.  I spend my time looking through everything, right past the parts that matter in this world, and all I can see is nothing.  In a world with out dreams there is not much hope.  It is hard to formulate dreams when you feel you will be perpetually destined for failure, or that this life has become so complex that dreams cannot be formulated, because after all they are dreams, merely unfathomable ideas, it is almost some sort of paradox.

            I think about these unfathomable ideas, these dreams, which I have been lacking for so long, I think about there seemingly utter futility, but then I remember Martin Luther King Jr. and Mohandas Gandhi their dreams were so large, yet they fought with sheer passion for something they truly believed in.  I wonder if they sat up nights and thought that the campaigns they were leading were doomed to fail or shrouded in pointlessness.  When you believe in something so heartily can you doubt yourself?  Certainly, neither Gandhi nor Martin Luther King achieved their ultimate goals, yet neither of them are deemed as failures in my mind, I wish that my meaningless life could merely compare on some small scale with the action and realization that they set forth unto the people of this earth. 

            I feel unmotivated in the largest sense of the word.  There are no goals for me to achieve that I know will come without failure.  I know it is stupid but failure is my one trait, the one thing I can do consistently well, I hate failure, I loathe failure.  I hate knowing that I couldn’t do something, I hate asking for help.  I don’t need to belittle myself anymore than I have already allowed the world to.  Things will almost always align themselves perfectly to hold me back and I will let them.  I won’t be weak I am stronger than this, than them, than everyone.  The fact that I have let it hold me down for this long is unreal, I think about it more and more everyday, I know I could be so much more than this, I just haven’t figured out if I want to.

            I could drop everything this minute and board a plane to Britain and become an artist on the street,  I could wander away from my house one night and trek into the great Canadian forests and survive off of nature, and not worry about nuclear warfare. I could go to Italy and learn how to swear in Italian from a fat chef.  I could leave home with little or no money and go to the west coast and take an apprenticeship in tattoo artistry, and surf and skateboard all day in the sun shine of southern California. I could go to the inner city and shoot hoops with kids that need a friend.  I could teach some one to appreciate reading, I could teach some one, any one to use art to get things off of their minds,  I could motivate the unmotivated, I could stand up in front of an entire home town community and say what was on my mind, and essentially start a revolution, I could study hard in the sciences and create something that no one has ever even thought of before,  I could buy food and medicine for people who are starving and dying of disease,  I could go to the top of the tallest building I can find and throw all of my lifetime savings into the wind, and hope that someone somewhere, will use it better than me.  I could go on a rampage and give everyone I met a hug, to show that there is still compassion in the world, I could rip my heart out and give it to my best friend.  I could write the greatest song in the world and go entirely insane while playing it onstage with three of the greatest people in the world behind me.  I could start a youth army where no one would ever feel lost or alone again, a place where everyone has a friend, where people could speak their minds and not be afraid, where we could confront the sickness of the world together, truly UNITED.   I could help people understand through my own understanding.  I could believe that someday things will be better.  I could be so much more than this, than what I am…but still I sit day in day out and wait.  Maybe I am not motivated, maybe I am scared, of failure, of life.

It is easy not to hope, to not some how feel foolish if these hopes never form and become what we wanted.  If there is anything that I have learned so far in life is that it is a fickle and silly thing that most people take way to seriously.  I also have learned things about hate, angst and despair, it is true that in order to make change we must be angry we must have the fires of our hearts stoked to the most intense of all heat.

As far as I can tell now my one motivation must be to not become anything like any one here on this earth.  I will not be like the mainstream earth dweller, I will not become some capitalist hog driven only by money. I will not become the things I hate. I will not become a heartless drone to the American society.