Hold The Moment

If you are anything like me your life basically consists of all of the bland and boring elements of a general life: sleeping, waking, eating, sitting on your ass, working, and then sleeping again. Here is life, this is what we are given and when you look at it the repetition is so mind numbing, so pointless, it is enough to drive one insane. We get up every morning and go to sleep at night with the same disappointments resting pleasantly on our shoulders, and we wake to the same thing again, never changing a thing. With all of this time that seems to go to waste it is pretty easy to wonder what the point is of even getting up in the morning.

There are things that keep us going, those bright shining points in our lives that make all of the crap that we have experienced before seem to fade into the background, as if they never existed. This is one thing that I can appreciate about life. It is important for us to realize that a real utopia is merely a pipe dream, there is no way we can fill our lives with only those things that brighten our day. For life to be more than a sugar coated existence there are going to be ups and downs. There is no possible way that every aspect and every facet of our lives could run perfectly and smoothly. If this was the case we would just be setting ourselves up with the same problem of repetition and tedium, just in a different sense, but the outcome would be the same.

We give ourselves these events and moments that we look forward to for our entire lives and we build our hopes and our dreams around them, but when they come they pass in a blur of confusion. Suddenly a moment that you have been dying to experience comes and passes right into a distant memory with you hardly noticing it. We live 95% of our lives anticipating things that only fill about 5% of our existence.

When these moments come, being as few and far between as they are, they should be treasured, cherished and lived to their fullest extent. I can’t hold these moments, no matter how hard I try, I can’t live them for what they are. I can only assume that I have been some how retarded in this area. I cannot grasp a moment and feel the true worth of it at the time. I lose myself so easily, I would try to go back in my mind and remember it for hopes of experiencing its importance once again, but you can’t remake these moments. It is hard when you can’t even do it right the first time.

These are moments that I look forward to and lose in a blink of an eye. Weeks and weeks of anticipation come crumbling down in a deafening hurry leaving nothing, barely even a memory for all of the time I invested before.

The past year has been one of chaos, pain, and also happiness I have never known before. I look back now on what has been the best year of my life, and feel that while trying to live it to its fullest forgot to live it at all. I sit now and wonder where it went. I should be happy at all of the things I have been able to experience and the myriads of things I accomplished this past year, things that I would have never even considered doing before. For some reason I feel empty and cheated, how time flies when you are having fun.

All I have left of these moments are their face value, just a memory, a snap shot, a picture, nothing more and nothing less. I wish it was something more, something that I would always have something that could always pull me through, but I fear I can't remember them to their full extent, for everything they are worth. If I could capably remember these moments I would never have to worry.

I know that these times are coming to an end, slowly closing off and fading out. I feel like I only have about 2 ½ months left to live, I want to continue on trying to live life to its fullest, but something somewhere tells me I must hold on to these new moments for all they are worth because there won’t be many more of these moments to behold. With every passing day these moments are going to become even further spaced, increasing my anticipation and decreasing the experiences, which makes it ever more important for me to learn how to hold on to these moments now. So the next time I am just going to have to remember to take a deep breath and look around me and take every single thing in, I have to burn every aspect into my mind so no part of it will ever be forgotten. I have tried to do this before but maybe I have further pounded the importance of this into my thick skull so I will finally be able to remember.