A doctor at the asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled,"Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After the home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well....everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. they ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. the genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair the he would grant them 3 wishes a pice if they would just leave him alone. the pair agreed. the beat said he would go first. "i wish...that all the bears in this forest were female." the genie granted the wish. the bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. the bear thought that strange but continued. "i wish... all the bears in this country to be female!" the genie granted the wish, the bunny just grinned agin and wished for a motorcycle. he jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. the bear looked at the bunny and said, "you must be the stupidest bunny i ever met!" then he asked for his last wish. "i wish...all the bears in the world to be female!" the genie granted the wish. the bunny just grinned and said, "I wish the bear was gay."
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, pokem e in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
little mary was not the best student in sunday school. usually she slept through the classes. one day, the teacher called on her while she was napping. "tell me, mary, who created thge universe?" when marry didnt stir, little johnny, an alturistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted mary and the teacher said, "very good" and mary fell back to sleep.
A while later, the teacher asked mary, "who is our Lord and Savior?" but mary didnt even stir from her slumber. once again, johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jeasus Christ!" shouted mary and the teacher said "very good" and mary fell back to sleep. then the teacher asked mary a third question, "what did eve say to adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, johnny jabbed her with the pin. this time, mary jumped and shouted "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, i'll break it in half!" the teacher fainted.
One day, a flat chested girl decided to get a boob job. she went to the doctor but when she got there, while sitting in the waiting room, a girl that had just gotten her boobs done came out moaning in pain. upon seeing this, the flat chested girl told the doctor that she changed her mind. however, the doctor told her that he has an alternative solution to her problem. he told her that if she wore a certain bra looking brace under her shirt and flapped her arms up and down, air would fill into the bra and make her chest look bigger, so the flat chested girl decided to give it a shot. that night, she wore the brace and went out to a club. while she was sitting at the bar, a nice looking guy was checking her out so she started to flap her arms up and down to make her chest bigger. she waited for him to come over, but he never did so with her new bigger boobs, she got the courage to go up and talk to him. while walking up to him, she noticed that he started to flap his legs together. she looked down at his crotch, and there was a little bulge, she paused, looked up at him and said "I see we have the same doctor."
