March 25, 2003
      Yes, here I am again. You thought you got rid of me. Well, you were wrong. I had some complaints about the updates being too long so I thought I'd....lengthen them to spite all you bastards! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Actually, it'll probably be the same length as the other two. Next week it should be a new month so they won't string along for such a long page then. Well, did I use up enough space yet? Ah, good enough. Let's dig into the updates, shall we?
      I added another one of Holly's song to the lyrics section. This one's called "Ashamed." I liked it. I was pretty good. The line about "acid tears" reminded me of A.F.I. again. And the whole song just looked like A.F.I. after that, which is good. No, I'm not going to write them all down here. (That would sure piss a certain someone off, though. Ha, ha, ha! Use the space!!!) Go check it out for yourself!
      I added another poll, if you didn't notice. This one's mediocre in humor compared to the last one, but it's more perverted and outrageous. I'm trying to outdo myself with these polls each time. So go vote to let us know about your genitalia! It'll be fun. You can vote for multiple choices if you'd like. And if there's one in there (like "pierced" or a certain color distinction) that you'd like on there, just add it to the comments on the poll. Thanks! I already voted for "Hairy bush," "Short," and "Shut up, you sick fuck" because I'm like a schizophrenic Tom Delonge. I'm ugly with a small, bent weiner, and sometimes I need to yell "Shut up, you sick fuck!" at my genitals.
      So you're probably wondering what happened with that last crazy poll that we all loved. Well, I have the results right here. But to use up space, for spite's sake, I'm going to say I'm not going to tell you and then say just kidding. Alright, here we go. I'm not going to tell you, though. No, just kidding. Here's what happened. When asked what Different Situations member you'd most want to have sex with, 17 people let us know what they thought. Actually, I myself voted four times, so it's more like 14 people. Four people (23%) voted for "None-I'm a good kid," two of which was me. (I voted twice because this was the one of all my votes that really counted.) Three people (17%) voted that the band should "Go fuck yourselves!" That was mean. Three people (17%) voted for "Holly." I was one of them, wink wink. Two people (11%) voted for "Grandma Cobainge." For those people, Grandma just wants them to know that she can always be reached at 1-900-OLD-MOLD. One person (5%) voted for "All-I'm a bad kid." One person (5%) voted for "Little Timmy Tucker." One person (5%) voted for "Al Gore." Sorry, but Al just wants you to know he's taken. One person (5%) voted for "Jason." I can only say thanks, Naughty Nancy, but please stay away from my pants. And one person (5%) voted for "The above Menage-a-trois," which included Holly, Jason, and Al Gore. Sorry to say, but that one vote was me. The only person on the poll that didn't receive a vote was "Dubois, the gay player," which is sort of good because that means we don't have any homos visiting our site. Ha, ha, ha! No offense. Anyways, check out the poll next week, too. I think I'm going to have you vote on your favorite political leader. Should be fun.
      Finally, Holly added some interview like statistics to her bio. Go check it out! You'll see why I say "Love Is Dead" after reading the last new installment on the bio. And on a related note, I did a small change to that secret change I did last week. See if you can figure it out. That's all I'm gonna give you. So that's it. Check back next week for a whole new poll. Now, you know the rest of the drill. So until next time...

P.S.
      Hello, everybady...It is the Mexican and the Farmer here....narmley, we starts dis thing out wit dat Al Gore character, but dis week, he's on a break...so we have taken over the first spot so we can get right to the big questions...and dat wud be....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
      Hello, kiddies. I'm Mr. Hand. The evilest, rudest, mother fucking puppet you've ever God damn seen, bitch! Sit down, you stupid Mexican and Farmer fuckheads. I'll tell you what hockey is. Hockey is me kicking your retarded dumbasses all over the fucking place for being so fucking stupid in the God damn head. Burn in hell! You will all fall by, not just THE hand, but that's Mr. Hand to you, bitch! I will rule the world once I figure out how to walk around detached from this body like that fucking Thing does in the Addams Family. I can't figure out how the fuck he does it. Well, I don't have time to waste on you assholes. I gotta figure this shit out, you donkey fucking cock suckers! Ah, you think that was a bit mean. THAT'S WHY I FUCKING SAID IT! I'm out, dick lickers.
      Gol dern it, I hate dat evil puppet...yes, I do not know why we asked him that in the first place....le's see who else dere is...
      Hi, guys. I'm Steve Gimpson. I'm one of Timmy's friends. Some people call me a nerd, but I'm irresistable to women. It might be my Alfalfa look. That kid was a good looker. Not that I'm gay. Some people think I talk gay. But I get lots of women to hold my hand and stuff. I know that you think I'm lying probably because you saw Timmy humping me one time, but that's just because someone told him to do that. Timmy's a little stupid like that. I'm definitely the brains between us. I know my computer like the back of my hand. But I can still impress women...
      Shut up, Steve....yes, he actually went on like that for a while....yea, but we cut 'im off 'cause he's more annoying than Timmy sometimes...let us ask someone else, Farmer...right, Mexicani...
      So you want to know about the hockey from Reverend Joe, my brothers and sisters. WELL, let me TELL you about the HOCKEY. Back in the days of the man, JESUS CHRIST! I was walking down the street the other day, brothers and sisters. And I ran across a group of CHILDREN. We are all children in the eyes of LOOK OUT! I shouted at them. For at the moment these street hockey children were playing, there came a CAR, coming towards them at 65 MILES AN HOUR! 65! My brothers and sisters. SIXTY-FIVE MILES AN HOUR!!!
      I do not get it, Farmer...ah, no one ever understands dat guy anyways. He always goes on 'bout dat 65 miles an 'our stuff...let us ask someone else...yea...
      Yes. I can tell you what hockey is. Hockey is a sport. It is played FUCK YOU, FARMER! I was about to tell you, and then I could feel you giving me the evil eye. NO MORE! I will not put up with that shit anymore from you. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT FOREIGN FUCK! Oh, God, the medication's wearing out. WHERE'S MY PILL! PPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!!
      Gol dern it, how do we keep gittin' dat guy?...I do not know, Farmer.....well, I gess we gotta wait 'till next week agin...yes, but will someone please let us know....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
(From the ever-growing DS Staff Members: Jason, Al, Little Timmy, Old Man, Grandma, Dubois, Insane Man from North Warren, Mr. Hand, Steve Gimpson, Reverend Joe, Cock-Eyed the Pirate, Buddy Lee, Apeman, the Mexican and the Farmer, Ralph Wigum, Dick Jizzum, Harry Pothead, Dr. Weng Wonge, Coolman and Tim, Mr. Antiques, the Stressed Men, Ugly Bastard Jones, Nine Finger Johnson, Captain Dameninski, Lieutenant Burtov, Hotler and Stilin, Nippy Spanyolia, F and Q, Swish from Sweden, Chunky Monkey, News from the Source, Possessed Boy, and the Dink Dinks)

March 18, 2003
      Well, kiddies, here I am again with another update. See, I'm determined to update once a week or so. Just like I'm determined to give up food and sleep for lent. (I won't tell you want else I'm giving up.) Yes, so here I am, more crazy than ever. It's all because of school work. A little word of advice to you kids, don't go to college and plan on passing and sleeping, socializing, and having fun. It's one or the other. But enough of my bitching. I don't have much so let's get started.
      First of all, another week goes by, and yet another successful poll under our belts. Nine people let me know what they thought of me. Two people (22%) thought I was a "Smart ass." I don't know what to think of that because it could be good that I'm smart, but it could be bad that I'm an ass. Hmm. Anyways, two people (22%) thought I was "Funny." Thanks! I try. And two people (22%) thought "Other" of me, which I don't know if that's good or bad either. ??? One person (11%) thought I was "All of the above" (which included Dick, Funny, Dumbass, Smart ass, Sensitive, Nokay, Loser, and Cool), which is probably right. Thanks, I guess. One person (11%) said I was "Nokay." Nokay.... And one person (11%) said I was "Sensitive." It's probably true, but I'm utterly flattered. Whoever voted for that can marry me, male or female. Ha, ha, ha! But really, thanks a ton! I'm starting to cry now that I think about it. Man, am I sensitive. Alright, I'm done. Where were we?
      Ah yes. I put the next poll up, the one I was talking about last week. I think it's so funny and awesome that I might vote twelve times differently myself. Or not. Have fun with that one! I don't know what next week's poll is going to be yet, but I'm gonna try to outdo this one. Wish me good luck! (Dink dink!)
      Anyways, I made some slight changes to the site at two spots, but I'm not at liberty to say due to sworn secrecy that may in fact jeopardize that secrecy if I tell you where the changes are at. So if you have the site memorized, you can go flipping through and be like, "Oh, there it is!" If not, you can challenge yourself when you're bored by trying to figure it out what's new.
      Finally, Holly sent me three new song lyrics - "Another Fallen Love Song," "Blah," and "Mislead Girl." Check them out in the lyrics section!
      Well, that wraps it up for me. I have to get back to my hell - college. So you know the drill. Until next time...

P.S.
      Punkley Dunkley, Neighbors! Well, it looks like that idiot Bush put us into an inevitable war. INEVITABLE MY ASS! If you would have done the smart thing and elected me, your pal Al, we wouldn't be in this war mess. If I was in the White House, I would bore everyone to death with my boring character that all of America would have 12 hours of sleep and there'd be no crime or terrorism because I would bore the world with all my humdrum talk, and people would think, "Hey, let's not attack America. They're too boring." But no, you had to make things interesting. I hope you're happy, America. But I'm not bitter or anything. Punkley Dunkley, Neighbors!
      Whoa, Farmer, Al looks angry this week...ah, dat's dis becaz I heared dat Tipper wudn't givin' 'im any...Hahahahaha....So we're back....And we thought that we would ask other DS Staff members this time....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
      Well, that's a good question, sonnies. But I got a bad answer. This is the Old Man here. What's hockey? That's a question I haven't heard in a long time. And that reminds me of a story. This one's about how I used to play for the Pittsburgh Penguins. And I was so famous that all these beautiful women wanted my body. They were like, "Oh, Old Man, I want your body." And you know... So one day, I saw this most beautiful girl, and her name was Bobby Joe Gibbons. She had the biggest boobies that I ever laid eyes on, man! I mean I couldn't keep my eyes off them. I wanted to touch them so bad, man....oh wait. That's a different story. Anyways, I decided that I'd talk to Bobby Joe for the first time. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Hey, baby, what's your name?" And she's like, "Bobby Joe Gibbons." And man, she had the most beautiful voice. I mean if you thought I had a hard-on when I looked at her, you should have seen me when I was talking to her. So I says to her, "Well, B.J. let's blow this joint and get to the real B.J." And she's like, "What? What are you talking about?" And I'm like, "Let's go wake up Mr. Bo-Jangles, baby." And she's like "What?" "Let's go play a game of toncil hockey." And she's like, "I don't think I like what you're saying. What the hell is hockey anyways?" And I'm like, "What?!? Don't you know who I am?" And she's like, "No." So I says to her, "I play hockey for the Pittsburgh Penguins." And she's like, "I don't know what hockey is." And I got so pissed off, man, 'cause I couldn't score with this chick 'cause she didn't know what hockey was. So I had an idea. I go, "Well, I can show you what hockey is if you come with me." And she's like, "Okay." So Bobby Joe went with me back to my place, and I decided to show her "my stick." She was quite impressed, and we played toncil hockey for hours. And that's my story of how I got a B.J. from B.J.
      Hey, did dat dere Old Man tells us wat's hockey?....I do not know, Farmer. I am very confused....Yea, dat's wat I's thinks too...Let us ask someone else...
      Hey, baby. You wanna know what hockey is? Oh, don't make me hump you. I like to play hockey sometimes. The most fun I have is when I go into the locker room. There's all sorts of naked men in there. Oo, baby, it makes me jizz in my cup. Then the best part is when I get to shower with them. And sometimes, I just can't control myself when they drop their soap. That's how I got the shit beat out of me once. And I was like, "Oh yeah, I love S & M, you manly man you."...
      Dat gay Dubois actuelly went on like dat fur ours, but we cut 'im off ere 'cause it jus' got more gay and worse...Yes, but in all his ramble, he never once told us what hockey is....Le's ast ta ear from one more person...
      Hello, again. I bet you thought that you could get rid of me so that I couldn't talk to the people. You thought I was smart enough to start a rebellion. Well, I have news for you, America. You can't keep tyrant-fighters like me away from the people. I will stur the waters of rebellion yet again through my internet risings. We will rise up. You can't keep our arms locked behind our backs forever. But our first move would be to GET ME MY FUCKING PILL!!! PPPPPPIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!
      Darn it. Who let dat Insane Man answer again?....oh well, I guess we will not find out what hockey is again this week, Farmer....yea, I guess yur right, Mexicani. But we're gonna try agin next week with more of dem staff members....But we still want to know so somebody please tell us...WHAT'S HOCKEY?
(From the ever-growing DS Staff Members: Jason, Al, Little Timmy, Old Man, Grandma, Dubois, Insane Man from North Warren, Mr. Hand, Steve Gimpson, Reverend Joe, Cock-Eyed the Pirate, Buddy Lee, Apeman, the Mexican and the Farmer, Ralph Wigum, Dick Jizzum, Harry Pothead, Dr. Weng Wonge, Coolman and Tim, Mr. Antiques, the Stressed Men, Ugly Bastard Jones, Nine Finger Johnson, Captain Dameninski, Lieutenant Burtov, Hotler and Stilin, Nippy Spanyolia, F and Q, Swish from Sweden, Chunky Monkey, News from the Source, and the Dink Dinks)

March 11, 2003
      Hey, everybody! I don't have too much news this time, but I'm going to drag it out because I'm the Band Dick and I thought it would be cool to see what it's like when people's eyes bleed from reading too long. Or not. Anyways, let's dig in.
      Alright, first off, I changed the poll again. Go down to the bottom here and vote on what you think of me. Don't be shy. I'm not watching you or anything. Hey, nice shirt. I'd like it better if it wasn't on you. Oh, wait. I'm not watching you, really. So go down there and check out the new poll. I didn't bother changing the poll last week because I was on spring break and because not too many people had voted yet on the poll that was up. So here's what you thought about Holly. Three people (60%) described her as "All of the above" (which included: "Slut, Bitch, Sweet and Innocent, Whore, Spoiled, and Stubborn"), one person (20%) thought Holly is a "Bitch," and another person (20%) thought Holly is a "Whore," which makes sense because she wrote a song by that title. So lots of hostility. And I'm surprised the guy that voted for "Holly, will you fuck me?" before didn't come back to vote for "Don't care-just want a piece" this time. If I would have known that, I would have changed my vote. Or not. Keep an eye out for the next poll coming up. It's going to be GREAT! I promise.
      In other news, you may notice while you're down by the poll that there's something new at the bottom of this site. Hey. You're right. That new Unwritten Law box means we're a part of the Unwritten Law Web Ring, and the box lets you know all the up to date news on UL. So if you're an Unwritten Law fan, keep checking in on that.
      Also, I did finally get my Rufio EP in the mail. It's pretty good. You should go out to buy it when you get the chance. And when you're there, buy the new A.F.I. CD called "Sing the Sorrow." It's their Dreamworks debut (Nitro was better), and word on the street says that the album kicks ass!!! So go check it out!
      I'm currently working on writing Dedication songs for all of my friends that I deem deserve or need one. So I have here a list (in no order at all) of people and POSSIBLE song names that I'm going use to dedicate to them.
"Distance" for Alena Dougherty
Various songs such as "Best Enemies" for Dameon Covert (you pick)
"Broken Ice" for Nancy Windsor
"10 Guys for Every Girl" for Katie Anderson
"Chicks with Picks" for Jenn Kerr
"One Art" for Holly Dougherty
"Obscursion" for Steph Busch
"Enraged" for Steph Ryan
Various songs such as "37" and "I Wished I Lived in Bradford (Yeah Right!)" for Greg Pierotti (you pick)
"Mindy Likes Elephants" and "Mindy's Sadness" for Mindy Yeager
"Holy Feedback, Batman!" for Nathan Ewing
"Six Hours Different" for Alexandra Bainschab
"Everything Sinks" for Father Ted Marconi
"Banking Brodie (When Banky is Your Future and Brodie is Your Past)" for Jim O'Connell
"Catch Her in the Rye" for Tabatha Colts
"Busy Signal" for Brittany Barke
"Bye Bye Heather" for Heather Holden
"One Sided Love" for Elise Morrison
"Subway Whore No More" for Rajiff Pradhan
Those aren't final titles and all, but at least you know I'm working on something. If you want to know more about how they're coming, you can talk to me personally. Keep an eye out maybe for these songs on this site in the future sometime. If you think you're worthy enough for a dedication and I missed you in the list above, talk to me, and we'll work it out.
      Finally, I'd just like to say that we were added to the PA Punk Page recently. You can find a link to this site on there right above Digger. So that's pretty cool.
      But hey, this was fun. And I'd just like to add that if you have any ideas to spice up this page (some sort of new forum or interactive thing or whatnot) that you think would be great for the site and would help other people come check it out, then leave me a message on the messageboard or email me via the "Contact Me Here!!!" link at the bottom of this page. Thanks! And to end, yes, here's some more rant from the staff here at the D.S. site. Enjoy!

P.S.
      Punkley Dunkley, Neighbors! I think that you should go visit my Thread on the messageboard and talk about how I should have been President so that we wouldn't be going to war. I BET YOU'RE MAD THAT YOU ELECTED THAT IDIOT SON OF AN ASSHOLE!!! Sorry, friendidily endidilies. I get like that sometimes. I'm just sad 'cause a friend of the band is getting shipped out to war. Bill Burke from Project Reconnect had his last show with the band on Friday. So from us here at the DS Staff, we'd just like to let Bill and all his family know that our prayers are with him. Well, that was kinda a bummer. But you know what always cheers me up when I'm down? It's: "Punkley Dunkley, Neighbor!" Now, I feel better. Well back to...well, nothin'.
      Hi dere, everybady....It is the Mexican and the Farmer here.....yea, we were just a wonderin' if any of ya could answer a question fur us.....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
      Hey Greg, guess what I'm wearing? Oil of Oley, oo oo oo. Well, buisness has been up, but I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that for a good time, you can always call 1-900-OLD-MOLD. Especially, Grrrreeeeggg. Oo oo oo. And I don't know much about hockey, boys. Just that sometimes it makes windows break. But if you want to play a nice game of toncil hockey, you know who to call, oo oo oo.
      That was not what I was expecting, Farmer.....nah, let's see wat da udders have ta say...
      Hello again. It is me. Insane Man from North Warren. I was just pondering the Mexican and Farmer's question. Well, boys, all I can say is ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!?! THE OLD MAN EVEN KNOWS WHAT HOCKEY IS, AND HE'S MORE SENILE THAN I AM!!! IF I WASN'T IN THIS STRAIGHT JACKET, I'D SHOW YOU HOCKEY!!! HOCKEY STICK RIGHT UP YOUR ASSES!!! NOW, WHERE'S MY PILL!!! PPPPPIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!
      Ha, ha, ha, wat a charater, dat Insane Man....yes, but we still do not have an answer, Farmer...le's keep tryin'...
      Hi, guys! How's it going? The boys at my school told me to tell you that hockey is them kicking your ass after school. First, they're going to cut off your balls and then they're going to use them in the game. And Dubois, the Gay Hockey Player, said that he's really going to love whacking those balls around, guys. Also, they wanted me to tell you that I'm stupid, and I like to fuck men, guys. What's that, guys? Go get lost? Okay, guys. Wait, where am I? Wah-ha-ha, I'm lost. Wah-ha-ha...
      I do not think that Little Timmy's a good person to ask....nah, I thinks we's ought ta a kick those boys' asses....I agree, Farmer. Well, we did not find out what hockey was again....nah, I says next week we ask some of dem udder DS Staff Members....Right, Farmer. So please, someone tell us....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
(From the ever-growing DS Staff Members: Jason, Al, Little Timmy, Old Man, Grandma, Dubois, Insane Man from North Warren, Mr. Hand, Steve Gimpson, Reverend Joe, Cock-Eyed the Pirate, Buddy Lee, Apeman, the Mexican and the Farmer, Ralph Wigum, Dick Jizzum, Harry Pothead, Dr. Weng Wonge, Coolman and Tim, Mr. Antiques, the Stressed Men, Ugly Bastard Jones, Nine Finger Johnson, Captain Dameninski, Lieutenant Burtov, Hotler and Stilin, Nippy Spanyolia, F and Q, Swish from Sweden, Chunky Monkey, News from the Source, and the Dink Dinks)