April 22, 2003
      Hey, everyone. I'm back again. Sorry about last week. But I'll make up for it this week - wink wink. So I just bought the new NOFX EP Regaining Unconsciousness. And the first song on there was "Medio-core." So now I'm kinda glad that we went with Different Situations instead of Medio Core because God knows we don't need another reason to be called posers or sellouts. Speaking of sellouts, I'm going to see Reel Big Fish here at school tomorrow. Ha, ha, ha! Should be a medio-core time. So anyways, Regaining Unconsciousness is pretty good. Go check it out so you can see what the upcoming NOFX album's going to sound like. Well, let's get started into the updates, shall we?
      Polls are going slow as always so this one should help me figure out why. It'll also show what people don't like about the site so maybe I can fix it. So please go vote, even if you don't want to or don't come to the site often at all. Thanks because it'll help me figure out why that is. Anyways, so we got 5 votes total for our political leaders poll. It wasn't as bad as last time. So here's how it went. When asked "Who's your favorite political leader?," 3 people (60%) said "What the hell?" So majority showed that 60% of the people that visit this site don't give a shit about politics. Understandable. One person (20%) voted for "Rage Against the Machine." That's cool, but I think the guy that voted for that hated our band so that's not so cool. And one person (20%), who shall not be named, voted for "Our pal Al (Gore)." So that's cool. I'm surprised that I didn't get any votes for "Darrel Hammond," "Ralph Nader," or "Write in." But I'm not surprised that no one voted for "George W. Bush," "Saddam Hussein," "Trent Lott," or "Hillary Clinton." So there you go. Another poll under my belt. So you'll get a new one next week if we get a lot of votes. Or the week after that if we don't. I think. I'll have to check my schedule though. Anyways, two of the DS Staff members have been bugging me about the next poll so you'll have to come back and check it out. It'll be quite a laugh. I think you know what question I'm talking about.
      So that's basically it. I'm done with classes this week, finals next week, and then I'm home for good the week after that. I'm excited because we'll actually begin practices this summer, which isn't so far away now. For my Easter present, I'm getting some microphones so that'll help us out a lot considering that we're going to need vocals for practice. Ha, ha, ha! So school will be done soon, and if my grades turn out bad, I may be done with school as well. I don't know. Probably not, but if that ever happened, then I'd probably work at this band a lot more and maybe start to play well for a change. Ha, ha, ha! Anyways, that's it. You know the drill. Until next time...

P.S.
      Punkley Dunkley, Neighbor! It's your pal Al here. So the war in Iraq is almost done. I'm glad, but not really. See, I used to be a journalist in Vietnam. So I like the media coverage that war can bring. People watch war on the news. But do they ever watch news without war? FUCK NO!!! Ah, I mean no they don't. So I'm sad for my friendidily endilies in journalism, but I'm glad that we're almost done making our Iraqi Disneyland. Punkley Dunkley, Neighbor!
      OO!!! Disneyland!!! Can I go, Farmer? Can I? Can I? Can I????...no, ya stupid Mexicani. That's where ya hopped da fence, member?....oh yeah. I do not want to be caught and sent back....you can go ta Disneyworld though. Ya'd blend in well over in dat dere Mexico Epcot. Ha, ha, ha!...Do not laugh at me, Farmer! I am not in the mood!...alright. Keep yur britches on. No, seriously, put dose tings back on. And don't stick dat in da donkey's mouth. Eww, I almorst swallered my tabacci....Fine, Farmer. But you cannot break our love....I know. I tried before. That was a sick time. Le's change da subject...Right. What we are really here to ask is...WHAT'S HOCKEY?
      What's hockey? Sounds like the next title for my show. Next on Talk Wild with Dick Jizzum, Farmers with superiority complexes and their Mexican immigrant employees that have fallen in love with the farm animals but cannot admit to their beastiality ways, whom both wish to know the answer to one simple question. What's hockey? We'll discuss this issue and more on the next Talk Wild with me, Dick Jizzum. Come join us!
      I do not think that was an answer, Farmer. But the show sounds great! We should go watch....nah, it sounds like dey're gonna make farmers sound like pussies or something. Us farmers are de toughest dere is in dis world. Stupid Dick Jizzum just wanted ta promote his next show instead of answer de damn question...yes, it does seem so, Farmer. So let's ask someone else...
      What's hockey? Ah, dude, I don't know, man. I'm an artist, man. Here, you want a hit of this shit. It's so strong, man, that I turn into people and shit when I toke it up. Dude, check this out. *FFFFFPH* I'll be back. Ha, ha, ha, man. That was awesome. Let's try it again. I think I'll try some old dude or something. *FFFFFPH* Alright, children. Next, we'll be watching Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's STONED! Ah, man, that was awesome, man. You sure you guys don't want none of this shit? Alright, man, more for me.
      Ya stupid Mexicani, I told ya not ta ast dat dumb pothead Harry Pothead....Do not push me, Farmer. Remember that I was the one to make sure we got our question asked in the next poll....oh yea. Well, le's ast one more person...
      You actually think that the poll will contain an answer that's correct for your question? You think anybody cares to tell you what hockey really is? We all know, but we don't like to tell you because you're FUCKING STUPID!!! YOU'RE CRAZIER THAN I AM!!! AND I'M INSANE AND LOCKED UP IN NORTH WARREN!!! DAMN YOU ALL!!! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!! YOU WILL SEE!!! BUT FIRST I NEED MY PILL!!! WHERE'S MY PILL?!?! PIIIIIIIIILLLLL!!!
      Gol dern it. We always get dat crazy Insane Man from North Warren. You should talk ta the boss ta see if you can git dat fixed fur us too....I will try, Farmer. But first we must find out if anyone can tell us....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
(From the ever-growing DS Staff Members: Jason, Al, Little Timmy, Old Man, Grandma, Dubois, Insane Man from North Warren, Mr. Hand, Steve Gimpson, Reverend Joe, Cock-Eyed the Pirate, Buddy Lee, Apeman, the Mexican and the Farmer, Ralph Wigum, Dick Jizzum, Harry Pothead, Dr. Weng Wonge, Coolman and Tim, Mr. Antiques, the Stressed Men, Ugly Bastard Jones, Nine Finger Johnson, Captain Dameninski, Lieutenant Burtov, Hotler and Stilin, Nippy Spanyolia, F and Q, Swish from Sweden, Chunky Monkey, News from the Source, Possessed Boy, and the Dink Dinks)

April 15, 2003
      Hey, everybody. I'm very busy this week so I'm just going to write a mini-update. I don't have much to say again really so I'll save it for when I write a full update. That will probably be between Thursday and next Tuesday. I'll make sure I stick to the Tuesday updates at least. Until the full update, KEEP VOTING!!! So until next time...

April 8, 2003
      Well, I'm back again here on Tuesday. And I guess they say no news is good news because "there is nothing new to put in front of you; nothing you don't understand." (Face to Face-"Nothing New") So let's get down to the nothing I do have, shall we?
      First off, there's a new poll up here. Go vote for your favorite political leader! I voted, but I'm not telling who it was for because it's a secret ballot. And you guys sucked last week...the last TWO WEEKS on the poll. Five people voted for the poll "What genitalia statement(s) best fit(s) you?", and the winner was "Shut up, you sick fuck" with 2 votes or 40% of the votes. This tells me that you guys thought the poll was really sick and probably didn't want to vote. Either that or no one comes here anymore because the polls are slow and the updates are too damn long. Hmm, that gives me an idea for next week's poll. Yeah. Anyways, and the most pathetic thing about those five votes was that I was three of them. So thanks to the two other people that stopped by. I really appreciate it. What did I vote for? I already told you! Don't you read these things each week? Anyways, the three tied for second in the poll with 1 vote (20% of the votes) each were "Tight," "Short," and "Hairy bush." The other options that didn't get any votes were "Clean shaven," "Long," "More than one genitals," "Moldy, smelly, or diseased," "Loose," and "No genitals at all." The real reason why I made up such a gross poll was that I wanted to know if more women had bushes or were actually clean shaven. Does anybody know? Is there any studies I can read up on that? I'm just curious. So I threw all those other options in there as like placebos in a lab experiment. But I didn't get any results here. Oh well, I guess it's not for me to know.
      Well, actually, that's it. That's all I have. I just want to take a moment to plug our friends in the band Running Scared. They have a CD release show this Saturday that should kick ass!!! Everyone should check it out! For more details, click on their link on our links page. I'm not going only because I have two other obligations here at college the very next morning. So it's nearly impossible for me to go. This sucks. But you can still check them out and rub it in my face on the messageboard that you were able to go and that I wasn't. So go vote on the poll. And check in NEXT TUESDAY, same DS time, same DS site, for next week's poll and new update. So until next time, you know the drill.

P.S.
      Punkley Dunkley, Neighbor! It's your pal Al here. You know you want to go vote on the poll down there. I just have a few instructions for y'all before you start. The way you vote is you left click on the white spot with your cursor (that the mouse controls) that's to the left of the name you want to vote for. The white spot should then have a black dote inside of it to the left of the name that you want to vote for. Now, here comes the tricky part. You have to scroll down, using your mouse, to the grey box at the bottom that says, "VOTE." Now, on the way down there, you don't want to left click at all because that might change your vote. And we don't want you to vote wrong, now do we? And we don't want any hanging chads, so make sure you use force when you left click on the white spot of the person you want to vote for. Now when you get your cursor safely down to the grey "VOTE" box, you left click on that box to complete your vote. Make sure you get it right on the box now. Then a pop-up window should come up saying what you voted for and the results of the poll so far. If you can handle that, friendidily endilies, then everything'll be Punkley Dunkley, Neighbor! Now, don't forget who taught you how to vote correctly when you go vote. That's right, your pal Al. (wink wink) Hopefully, the voting should illuminate on what the real results of the 2000 elections should have been. So now I'm going to turn it over to my compadres, the Mexican and the Farmer. Punkley Dunkley, Neighbors!
      Oh, that sure helped me, Farmer. I would have been lost when I went to vote if it was not for our good friend Al.....yea, Mexicani, I know wat ya mean. Al's the best! So who ya gonna vote fur?....Saddam Hussein....yea, I was a gonna vote fur dat Darrel Hammond guy, but dat Saddam Hussein is one tough Mexicani....He is not Mexicani, Farmer...oh, well, I don't know dis politic stuff. Maybe I'll have ta vote fur "What the hell?"....ah, yes. That is a good choice for the both of us I think. I will change my vote....yea, we'll have ta think dis one out a bit....you know, Farmer, when are we going to have a poll for our question?...ya know, Mexicani, ya have a point dere. I will haves ta talk it over wit da boss to see wat he thinks. We'll get dat dang blast it poll sometime....yes, for now, we must keep asking....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
      Hi. My cat smells like grandma. My daddy says I have gental herpes. I got them from this lady. She had my cat one day and said I could have my cat back if she was allowed to put her mouth on my pee pee. I said okay. She had lots of warts. My cat ran away. It felt like ice cream in my pants. I felt like I was gonna pee in her mouth. Then my cat came back with Daddy. Daddy shot his gun in the air. Then Daddy said I shot my gun in her mouth. She wasn't dead though. She ran away drooling. The drool was a funny white color. I felt like Christmas. My cat hissed at the lady. Daddy ran after the lady. Daddy has gental herpes too. My cat doesn't have gental herpes. My cat has fleas. I have fleas too....
      Did Ralph answer our question, Farmer?....I don't know, Mexicani. No one understands wat dat boy says....I told you, Farmer. We shouldn't ask Ralph Wigum....yea, I know. He's still talkin'....Let us go over here and move on...yea...
      Hail Hotler! Hail Stilin! Yes, this is Hotler and Stilin here....I vant to know vhy I vas not on de poll for favorite political leader. Have you not heard of ze Hotzies?....Yes, and I want to why I, Stilin, powerful leader of the Pink Army was not on the poll as well. You know what I think, comrade?...Vhat?...I think we should put them in a concentration camp so they can really concentrate on their mistake. Then they will make the right decision...yes, then ve vill conquer the vorld as Hotler and Stilin!!!...Hahahaha, what? No, I will not be quiet, mother! We're allowed to be loud in the basement. I mean, we will not take your crap anymore! We will rule the world! Your days are numbered woman....ya....
      Gol dern it! Nobody's answerin' our question at all today, Mexicani...yes, Farmer. They are just using this spot to advertise for themselves....it makes me sick. Well, le's ast one more person and see what happens...yes...
      You want to know what hockey is? Is that close enough to addressing the question. BECAUSE I'M GOING TO USE THE REST OF THIS AS MY OWN ADVERTISEMENT FOR HELP!!!!! HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!!! You must help me escape. They think I'm insane, see. They put me in this straight jacket and locked me in this padded room so I can't get out. HHHEEEELLLPPPP!!! Oh man, I need my pill. WHERE'S MY PILL!!! PPPPIIIIIILLLLL!!!!
      Gol dern it again!!!....we always seem to get that guy for the last question....yea, it's gittin' kinda borin'....right, we must talk to the boss about changing that one sometime too...right, so I see we still have about 17 people from the DS staff to talk to...one of them must have the answer to our question, Farmer...yea, so can anybody please tell us...WHAT'S HOCKEY?
(From the ever-growing DS Staff Members: Jason, Al, Little Timmy, Old Man, Grandma, Dubois, Insane Man from North Warren, Mr. Hand, Steve Gimpson, Reverend Joe, Cock-Eyed the Pirate, Buddy Lee, Apeman, the Mexican and the Farmer, Ralph Wigum, Dick Jizzum, Harry Pothead, Dr. Weng Wonge, Coolman and Tim, Mr. Antiques, the Stressed Men, Ugly Bastard Jones, Nine Finger Johnson, Captain Dameninski, Lieutenant Burtov, Hotler and Stilin, Nippy Spanyolia, F and Q, Swish from Sweden, Chunky Monkey, News from the Source, Possessed Boy, and the Dink Dinks)

April 1, 2003
      Hey, everybody! Here I am again on another Tuesday just as I promised. There's not much to say this update so let's keep it brief for those of us that happen to be monosyllabic. Why do they call them monosyllabic? There's five fucking syllables in the word! They should be called wordies or something closer to one syllable so they can say it themselves. Anyways, off to the news!
      I added another poll to the site. Check it out and vote! What's that, you say? It's the same one from last week? That's right. APRIL FOOL'S!!! Ha, ha, ha!
      Yes, it is the first of April, a.k.a. April Fool's Day. That means a new month so there's not as much news clogged up on this page. It's all in the archives now. Wait until the end of the month again. You'll pay! And not just your rent. But right now, I got nothin'. I'm leaving the poll up this week to see if we can't get anymore votes in on this poll. There weren't very many so I'll change that next week. Next week should be a better poll, not as offensive at least. Next week's poll is going to be on who's your favorite political leader. Should be fun. Check back!
      Lastly, the band is actually starting to become a band. In about one month's time, I'll be home for the summer and practices shall commence. Mike Zickefoose, my third cousin (see the Bios), is being kind enough to side project from his own band to practice with us and help us figure out drum beats and all that. So we'd like to thank him for that. So we have a drummer and guitarist now. Holly isn't learning bass right away. Instead, she's concentrating on singing more. So we're still looking for a bassist, I believe (????), and another guitarist. Let us know if you're interested or know someone we should contact. Thanks!
      So that's it. Keep checking back. And for you monosyllabic people: word. Now, you know the drill. So until next time...

P.S.
      Punkley Dunkley, Neighbors! Al here. I'm sorry I wasn't here last week, but my family and I were off on a vacation to southern Iraq. It was great. Iraqi freedom means lots of tourism. Tipper and I went on the oil log ride. We got so covered with oil that we had a bad idea. Ha, ha, ha! But that was all; just an idea. We had lots of fun. I can't wait until we own Iraq completely. I mean...until Iraq is entirely free. Yeah, that's it. That's the ticket. Well, I shall talk to you next week, friendidily endilies. Punkley Dunkley, Neighbor!
      Hi, dere....it is the Mexican and the Farmer again.....we're back agin dis week to ast da same ole question wit da same ole responses....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
      Arrrr, ye maties. 'Tis Cock-eyed, the Pirate, here. What's the hockey, you say? Arrrr, me don't know. What me do know, laddies, is how mes got this here eye patch. I was walking along the docks one day. And this lady came drivin' by all fast, ya see. And then out of no where, this severed cock came flyin' into me eye. I yelled, "Arrr! Me eye!" And she just kept on a driving by. Arrrr, me lost the use of my cock eyed eye. Now me has to wear this patch. Arrr! If ya knows where that Bobbit lady 'tis, me be glad to take 'er off of yer hands.
      Farmer, why did we ask the pirate guy?....I didn't know dat pirates don't know wat hockey is....that story makes me vomit....wat are ya talkin' 'bout? You love de cock.....I do not know what you are talking about, Farmer....sure, ya do. You like ta suck on dat dere donkey's cock....I love the donkey, but I am no ass cock sucker, Farmer! You will die for your words....alright. I take it back.....good, Farmer. Let us see who is next....
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      Why again did we ask Buddy Lee, Farmer?....I don't know. I guess it's 'cuz he got dem great pants....yes, Farmer. Those are some great pants, though he doesn't know what hockey is....le's try someone else....
      Rrrr....*sniff, sniff*....*sniff, sniff*....*WHACK!*
      Ahhh!....oh, we should have known not to ask Apeman. He does not speak.....right, I almorst swallered my tabbaci. I didn't think dat we'd get beaten up here too....Yes. Not only do we get beaten up at the hockey games, but we get beaten up whenever we ask what hockey is....I know it, but le's ast one more person ta see if our luck can't change...right, Farmer....
      Hockey? Hockey? Is that all you two ever think about? Why don't you get a life? There's lots of other things in the world. Love, money, politics, helping others, culture, all sorts of different valuable things. But first off, can't you worry about that too? Oh my GOD! THE PINK GIRAFFES ARE GETTING CLOSER WITH THEIR LASERBEAM PENISES!!! THIS SHIT MUST BE WEARING OFF! NURSE! NURSE! WHERE'S MY PILL!!!! PPPPPPPPIIIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!
      Gol dern it. We never seem ta git around asting dat darn Insane Man from North Warren....yes, Farmer. We must make sure he does not get asked that question next week.....yea, we gotta remember dat....so I guess until next week, we would like to ask everyone the unanswerable question.....WHAT'S HOCKEY?
(From the ever-growing DS Staff Members: Jason, Al, Little Timmy, Old Man, Grandma, Dubois, Insane Man from North Warren, Mr. Hand, Steve Gimpson, Reverend Joe, Cock-Eyed the Pirate, Buddy Lee, Apeman, the Mexican and the Farmer, Ralph Wigum, Dick Jizzum, Harry Pothead, Dr. Weng Wonge, Coolman and Tim, Mr. Antiques, the Stressed Men, Ugly Bastard Jones, Nine Finger Johnson, Captain Dameninski, Lieutenant Burtov, Hotler and Stilin, Nippy Spanyolia, F and Q, Swish from Sweden, Chunky Monkey, News from the Source, Possessed Boy, and the Dink Dinks)