| ____________________________________________________________ 13th January 2003... grrr... just... grrr.... and grrr again. fucking deja vu. geez. you get you know.. a couple good days.. and then after that God sees fit to rain shit on your head for a month. its kinda like balancing stuff out.. only for every bit of joy you receive in return you get 20 bits of misery. whatever... nobody knows nobody cares. why should you care anyway? Exactly. 8:18pm..still monday... the word for today is CONFUZZLED. somedays you win.. most days you dont. live with it. deal with it, learn to love it. sometimes it'll work.. sometimes it wont. chances, giving up, giving in, never givin up, dying from the effort. disappearances, neglect, consideration, LOVE, sympathy, sides, friendship, loyalty, smoking up, alchol, deep darkness, dependance, independance, compromising, companionship, patience, LOVE, away, defence mechaniam, heart, resistance, tempatation, hiding, charm me harm me leave me be.... "i wake up in the morning, put on my face.. the one thats gunna get me, through another day.. doesnt really matter, how i feel inside, this life is like a game sometimes.." |
 |
| _________________________________________________________________________________ 19/01/03... sunday 6 30pm isolation--secluded, alienated, excluded, withdrawn, solitariness, lonelines , inaccessability, losing touch with reality, dillusional.. you never know whats gunna happen next... maybe everything really is just a dream.. you heard this saying.. "god didnt create people, people created god.." people required something.. a theory to live their lives by... wait ill continue this in a sec. "see, to tell you the truth, you could slit my throat and with my last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.." fkin love that quote.. its so.. morbid. +++undertheinfluence++ |
| 31st January 2003 - leaving to Switzerland tonight _______________________________________________________________________________________ the black mood came back again. And noone knows how that feels. Noone even believes it exists. I think its just the sweet and innocent... maybe not innocent. But the ever-happy, non-evil baby Addie needs an outlet and all the little tiny bits of evil that occassionaly surface in my mind just... sit there. And incubate. Until it overflows and seeps into the little unknown crevices of ..me. Its like a blow to the head.. when you suddenly experience a huge blow of emotion. i get these wierd flashes. Perhaps its raging emotion.. maybe it just takes over and you just.. dont have the capacity to control it. In a way i love it. i live for things like that. extremes. is there such thing as a regular extreme? How can something be extreme, as in extraordinary if its a regular thing? A regular extreme.. Stable but unstable. Sane but insane. you know what i mean? Ross was saying.. Does love even exist? what if the one person in the entire fkin universe ( or some larger form of it) that you're meant for, your soulmate or whatever, ISN'T MEANT FOR YOU?? and its just a long.. continuous, infinite chain of broken hearts. fuck.. isn't that just fkin.. patheticly depressing.. ? I mean Fuck the horse.. Fuck the prince Fuck the castle. yea like thats ever gunna happen... but then again.. don't make fun of people who dream. sometimes its all they have... Stereotypical faker..hater..complications, unconditional love, conditional love... it all fades and in the end.. -- in the center of it all.. as clueless as the rest-- -i'll leave you with that im out. baaii... |
| " why the world is more linked? oh you know.. world events... like war and stuff" -Owen Tong |
 |