JOKES

   TEACHER : What do we do with crude oil ?
   Pupil   : Teach it some manners !

Man-Waiter whats this mosquito doing in my soup ?

Waiter-Swimming sir!

Man-Take it out.

Waiter-I cant he forgot his clothes in his room!

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Once there was a cricket match held between all the devtas (god) and Yamduts.

Lord Ganesh:Hey Yamduth ye match kuch accha nahhin hoga kyonki hum hi jeetege.

Yamduth: Tum kese jeetoge?

Lord Ganesh: Hamare pas pure cricket ki team hai.

Yamduth: To kya huaa.Hamare pas sab   umpires ki team hai.

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'Newton was sitting in the garden when an apple fell on his head.He invented the Law of Gravity,'said the teacher.                                       A bright lad in the class replied,'Sir,the lesson is clear.If Newton had not been sitting in the garden but in a classroom as we are,he would not have invented anything.'

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 A doctor advised Veerappan who was a heavy smoker,'Veerappan,whenever the urge to smoke overtakes you,say to yourself-I will not smoke,Iwill not smoke,I will not smoke.....'                                                              'That won't help,Doctor sahib,'replied Veerappan,'because I always lie to myself.'

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A Traffic policeman signalled a speeding car driven by Santa Singh to stop.He asked Santa:'Why were you driving so fast?You were going well beyond the allowed speed limit.'                                                        Replied Santa:'My brakes had failed.I wanted to get home as fast as I could before I had an accident.'

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First man:'Call me a doctor-call me a doctor!'

Second man:'What's the matter?Are you sick?'

First man:'No,I've just graduated from medical school!'

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Rosy to Tina:'Why are you wearing the wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

Tina:'To publicise my marriage to the wrong person!'

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A clerk who was usually late in office turned up on time.His boss asked him how he managed to be punctual that morning.'Sir my wife has gone to her parents and taken the kids with her.'                                          The boss asked in suprise:'What has that to do with your being punctual?'                                                              The clerk replied ,'Sir,now I have to make breakfast only for myself.'

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A young man approached Tenali for the hand of his daughter.Tenali knew that the fellow earned nothing and was a loafer.'I don't want my daughter to spend all her life with gadha(donkey),'he told the suitor.      'I know,'replied the young man,'that is why I want to marry her.'

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She:'Here's your ring back.I can't marry you because I love someone else.'

He:'Who is he?'

She(nervously):'You're not going to try and kill him?'

He:'No,but I'll try and sell him the ring!'

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Jack was about to die.He called his wife Fadime and said,'Fadime,try to forgive me.I was having relations with the maid.'

'Do not worry,Jack,I know.For what reason do you think I poisoned you?'

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Poor man:'Lord,is it true that to you a thousand years is like a second?'

God:'Yes,that's true.'

Poor man:'And  is it true that to you thousand crores is like a paisa?'

God:'Yes,that's so.'

Poor man:'Then,Lord,could you give me a thousand crores?'

God:'Yes in a minute.'

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Teacher:'What is the scientific formula for water?'

Bright pupil:'H.I.J.K.L.M.N.O.'

Teacher:'Nonsense!How did you arrive at that?'

Bright pupil:'Auntie,it is H to O(H2O)!'

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Tony's wife served her husband roasted chiken for dinner.She said,'I cooked this chiken in an electric stove.'                                                'I guessed that,'replied Tony,'every time I take a bite I get a jhatka-an electric shock.'

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A girl was shopping in a super market.As she was unable to reach the can of Diet Pepsi,she requested a tall gentleman standing nearby to get the Pepsi for her.

Girl:Can you get me the Diet Pepsi ?

Man:Well,my boss wouldn't like it, but i will do it for you.

Girl:why will he not like it ?

Man:Because i work for the coke company.

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A HAWAKER of sweets in Patana made good use of his name to sell his wares.He used to go round the streets shouting "Maturaji kay peyday."Mathura being famous for its sweets,particularly its pedas,he did good buisness.one day he was asked:"Baba,how do you manage to bring pedas from Mathura every day?"

                             "I never said I brought them from Mathura,"replied the Hawaker,''my name is Mathura Das."

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A Goverment servant went to a doctor."Doctor sahib,I am suffering from exhaustion.Please advice me."

"What you need is complete rest.You should return to the office as soon as you can."                      

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The following ad appeard in a daily paper:"Are you illiterate?You don't know how to read & write?If so,do write to us and let us help you.

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A SARDARJI was  boasting about the number of cities he had been to:London,Paris,New york,Rome,Karachi.

           "You must know Geographia quite well",remarked one of his audience.

           "Oh very well,"replied the sardarji,"I spent four days in Geographia."

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Two sardarjis,both students of IIT,Kanpur,were talking about American astronauts.One said to the other,"What's the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon.We are Sikhs-we'll go direct to the sun."

       "But if we get within 13 million miles of the sun,we'll melt."

      And the first answered,"So what,we'll go at night."

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Two Hindi speaking friends who were trying hard to learn English decided to correspond with each other in angrezee.The first letter went somewhat as follows:"My dear mitr,I am in the well.I hope you are also in the well.Buy!buy!."

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A goverment office.r comes to a sardar doctor & says "Doctor sahib I am suffering from a strange disease,my one leg is always ahead from the other please give me some medicine"doctor gives him two pills and says"Take this two pills one after sleeping ;the other before waking up.

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A man and a woman were sitting in a railway compartment.The man kept on quietly reading his paper while smoking his pipe.The woman could stand it no longer and retorted:'If you were my husband,I'd put poison in your tea.'                                                                                                                                                                                                    'And if you were my wife,I'd drink it.'                                                                                                                                                                                             

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Tina:What is your hardest subject?

Mina:The study of rocks.

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A boy(Adnan) and his father are going on a scooter.Cadbury fells down from Adnan's hand.He starts crying.He asks dad to pick up the cadbury.

Dad:We will get a new one.Don't pick things fallen down.

Adnan:Ok dad.

(His daddy falls in a puddle)

Dad:Adnan,Help me to get out!

Adnan:Sorry dad you told not to pick up the things fallen down.

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Teacher:I said you to draw a cow eating some grass but you have only drawn the cow!Where is the grass?

Punit:The cow ate all the grass!

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Teacher:Why does the statue of Liberty stand at the New york harbour?

Pupil:Because it cannot sit down!

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Teacher:Is Lapland heavily populated?

Raju:No,there are not many Lapps to the mile!

Teacher:Name an animal that lives in Lapland?

Raju:A Reindeer.

Teacher:Good,now name one more?

Raju:One more Reindeer!

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Teacher:Can you tell me where Elephants are found?

Punit:We don't have to find Elephant's,they're so huge that they don't get lost!

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Teacher:Why is mississippi such an unusual river?

Tony:Because it has four eyes and can't see!

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Teacher:Where is the English channel?

Jimmy:I don't know,my T.V does'nt pick it up!

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