New Meaning:
Prologue
By: Kitty E.
I just want to say... I'm *not* bitter. For a long time that's what everybody thought. They tipped toed around me, taking pains not to mention this or that because they thought it would make me angry. I grew up without a family, taught to fight and kill, taught to follow my feelings, but keep them a secret. It's in the past... I don't kill anymore, and I don't want to, that's enough for me. I don't feel the need to blame those who made me what I was. I don't hate Duo for leaving me, either. Ch', after all he did to try and make it work, I know it was my fault. I don't hate Wufei for making Duo his, either. I don't particularly like it, but I'm not going to snap if you mention how happy they are. I'm not bitter about any of the cards I've been dealt, even the one that paired me with Relena.
I knew our paths would cross again, but even then I knew it wasn't fate that arranged for her to be in my path the day we met after the war. I'd been alone for more than a year and a half. The only real interaction I had was when Quatre would pinpoint my location closely enough to give me a call and fill me in on everything. How he was, what Trowa was doing, what was going on with the company that still had an opening for me if I wanted it, not that he was pressuring me into anything. He'd hint at what Duo was up to, but never mentioned Wufei. Before he let me go, he would ask me the same question, "Are you still wandering?"
The answer was always the same. "Yes." I still had no home, no family, still unable to part from being a mere observer of life and become a participant. Relena had held herself back more and more after Duo left, giving me space, letting herself get reacquainted with a normal, peaceful life. For months, I had traveled from colony to colony never really talking to anyone, and slowly coming to realize that being a nomad wasn't going to fill the void inside me. When I saw her again waiting for me on a street in some colony, I forget which one, everything caught up to me, the exhaustion of always running from my past, the awful ache which only festered after I'd been left alone again, the desire for something or someone to make everything seem okay.
Can you blame me for accepting her offer? She gave me a home, one that was large and comfortable, offered me everything I wanted, even suppressing her distaste for rodents by letting me keep a ferret. She shared her friends, and family with me, making them accept me almost as a mere extension of her person. Like Duo, she gave affection away like it was candy, soft kisses and gentle moments. It didn't feel right... I knew that, but it made her so happy, and everything *seemed* so perfect, I thought it was all justified. Afterall, she couldn't be what Duo is... what Duo was to me. You have to hand it to her, though, she's the first person in history to make Heero Yuy say 'I love you.'
It was after I had taken her virginity, though it's more accurate to say when she gave it to me. Lying in her bed, thinking about it, it seemed so fucking wrong of me to have let her do it, knowing how I felt, knowing what it meant. The severity of my face must have frightened her, she looked so worried that I said it just to soothe her anxiety. After that, she'd never let me go a day without saying it, and everyday the phrase became more and more meaningless. Until the day I fell in love with a Peacecraft. That would have been the end to all my problems... if it had only been with Relena.
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